The Re-Haminator

My old readers, if any of you still exist, might remember the original inspiration for this blog. Something about Kermit, Miss Piggy, and a..uhhhh…dispute. In honor of that I bring you the follow-up story of the frog and his lost ham. For those of you who have read my weird muppet humor before, you will know what’s up. The rest of you I apologize to ahead of time for the 15 minutes you will waste reading this. On to the show…..

Kermit and Miss Piggy in happier times……..

It had been nearly three years since that day. The day that changed everything. He had not been the same since he had done the unthinkable. It had been nearly three years since Kermit had shot Miss Piggy to save his life. He knew she was going to fuck him up like the swine flu had he let her, but he still felt horrible, muppet crushing guilt. He had expected maybe she would have taken a trip down to Alabama and someone would have thought she was Hogzilla and shot her, and turned her into ham n’ bacon for months. It never happened. She stayed with him and guided his career to one success after another. Sesame Street, The Muppet Show, all the Muppet movies, even the shitty Muppet Babies made him money. Piggy was golden pork. She was his charm. Anything he did with her by his side was an immediate hit. Until that day when he blew her felt all over the room with Clint Eastwood’s .44 magnum.

Big Bird made sure to dispose of her body so no one would ever trace it back to the frog…

It all happened so fast. He feared for his life. He had flashes of that great lily pad in the sky. She had her hands around his throat. He was turning white. Then he grabbed the gun…a shot rang out..BANG…and she was Fraggle food. His career spiraled out of control after that nightmare. First was the video of him on Youtube singing “Hurt”. There was some…questionable content in the video that his new agent, Scooter assured him would catch the edgy, 21st century crowd. It did nothing but backfire. To console himself, Kermit began hanging out with the old crew he used to run with. The Felt Pack. The Swede was the one who turned him back onto drugs. Back in the seventies it was tons of coke snorted off of Janice’s tits at Studio 54, now in 2009 it was meth, weed, and steroids. He would sell the ’roids to major leaguers for profit to buy more drugs. Kermit used to do a little here, and a little there..no problem. Then he started getting bold and gambling too much with everything. Money, women, friends, career, and on many nights, his life.

He knew things would have to change after he was busted by LAPD with over 100 pounds of marijuana, in his meth lab, snorting coke, and fucking Bert. Bert had left Ernie and Kermit was waaaaay fucked up and being adventurous, but that’s not important now. What was? Kermit getting back on top, not of Ernie, but of the world. To do that he needed HER. The only one he knew who could make someone come back from the dead was Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his loyal, trusty, and apparently unable to kill apprentice, Beaker. Yes, Kermit would find Dr. Honeydew and have him return his little hamsteak to him. Kermit just had to get out of jail first. He was shipped up to San Quentin on a hard bid of 25 years for what he did to Bert’s ass.

Kermit: “Guard?! I would like to make a phone call!”

Guard: “Kermit, you know I can’t do that.”

Kermit: “You like all that muppet porn I score you, motherfucker?”

Guard: “Yes, I….”

Kermit: “You nothing, bitch, just get me that phone call or I tell your kids you beat your tallywacker to Bert & Ernie!”

The incriminating dirt that Kermit had on the guard was..disturbing.

 
Guard: “Yes, sir..”

The guard brought the phone to Kermit. He called the one man who could find Dr. Honeydew….no, the one bird. Big Bird.

For you see, Piggy would have to be brought back from somewhere she should not return. She would have to be reconstituted. She would have to be…rehaminated.

For that, you need…..

THE RE-HAMINATOR!

(to be continued…..)

 

Much better on WordPress I must say, isn’t it? 🙂