This blog contains content of an adult nature and should not be read by anyone under the age of 18 or anyone who is easily offended by naked chicks and shit.
Selles: “Oh shit, yeah baby, like that! Ride that shit! Uhhhhh! Yeah!”
Sex Bot 360: “Ay papi, you are the king! Work my pussy baby! You like this shit?!”
Selles: “You know I do Salma! I loved you on 30 Rock!!!! God, your tits are perfect!”
Sex Bot 360: “Thank you daddy, I….” *POP! BANG!!!!*
And with that, she seized up and stopped. The smell of burnt electronics wafted heavily in the air. Selles was confused. Selles was also really pissed because he had a 130 pound, naked android stuck on his junk. When she seized up, her pussy locked up and clenched on his mandingo.
“What the fuck?!” He looked into her eyes and realized what had happened. The three quarter red ring in her right eye meant only one thing…
The Red Ring of Death. Perhaps more like the Blue Balls of Death. Her pussy clenched and pinched on his urethra right before he blew his man juice. So here he was, a cum of epic proportions backed up in his balls and a dead sex robot that looked just like Salma Hayek on his lap.
“FUCK!!!! Stupid fucking Sexbot 360!!!!! Fucking Microsoft!!!! God damned shitty cheap equipment!”
This wasn’t something that was entirely unexpected. The Sexbot 360 was a glitch waiting to happen. The friction and heat from the sexing had a tendency to make the ‘bots software fry which caused the hardware to seize. “Crap.” Selles hadn’t had this happen before, but he’d heard of it happening to other people. There was that guy in Green Bay that had his Sexbot 360 catch on fire while he was plugging it doggiestyle, and everyone knew of the one where that guy in Miami had his junk bitten off when the red ring hit his older model while she was blowing him. The early models weren’t blowjob compatible. The guy had modded his bot which voided his warranty. So he was out his penis…annnnnd a sweet Sex Bot. One poor girl was even smothered to death when her Gerard Butler model fell over onto her when it went kaput.
So at least he was lucky he still had his shit attached, but he had to do something, because his balls were quickly approaching Defcon 1 and he had to launch or there was going to be some mutally assured destruction in his taint area. “Damn, who do I call?” Selles thought. He could call one of his friends and have them take him to the ER, but the embarrassment would be too great and they would never let him live it down. They kept telling him to get a Laystation 3 or a Pimptendo Whee. Fuck Pimptendo, their apps sucked!!! Unless you wanted to fuck a plumber, princess, or a mushroom, which Selles did not. He was a fanboy and stuck with the Sexbot 360 because they had all the killer apps he liked. Salma, Megan, Tricia, Beyonce, Alicia, Minka, and even old school throwbacks like Sigourney and Farrah. “I’ll be careful!” he said. “The blue balls of death won’t happen to me!” he said.
But it did and here he was. The bot was naked with the look of an approaching fake orgasm stuck on its face. The ER was out. He had one option. He reached for the phone on the edge of the bed and dialed the number on the bottom of his Sexbot’s right foot.
*Click*….”Microsoft customer service, this is Jane, how can I help you?”
Selles: “Uhhhh, yeah, Jane? I, uhh, have an issue with my…jeez, uhhh…”
Jane: “Did your Sexbot 360 seize up, sir?”
There was a long pause. Silence.
Jane: “Sir, please don’t be embarrassed. This line is specifically for problems with your Sexbot. Can you give me the serial number?”
Jane: “Thank you sir! Ahhh, I see you got the deluxe model with the new porn actress module! Good choice sir! So, what seems to be the trouble?”
Jane was far too cheery for his tastes. Perhaps working this job had just hardened her against being surprised by anything she would possibly hear. So he just blurted it out.
Selles: “My sex robot seized up while on my junk and now I can’t get my dick out!!!!”
Jane: “Okay, Mr. Coe, I have your records here. You don’t have a unit with anal input capabilities so we can rule out the rear input. Is your apparatus stuck in her audio output/input or her vaginal simulator?”
Selles: “The…..vaginal simulator.”
Jane: “And what operating system were you using? Vagina or Pussy XP?”
Jane: “Annnnnnd what version?”
Jane: “Mmmm hmmm. Okay, have you downloaded the software updates? There was an important recommended service pack update recently. It helped solve the DIB you are currently experiencing.”
Jane: “Yes sir. Dick In a Box. You dick is stuck in her box. Sorry to use an industry term there! Tee Hee!”
Selles: “Right. Okay, software update? Uhhhh, I didn’t think that was really needed…”
Jane: “Well now that you have a dead weight Sexbot on your lap you are thinking differently aren’t you, Mr. Coe?”
Selles: “How did you know she was on my lap?”
Jane: “We’re Microsoft sir. We know. TEE HEE!!!! Is there an error message in her eye? Look for a EW-73 internal error message.”
Selles looked into the broken sex bot’s eye and saw it and his heart sunk. Yes, there it was…EW-73 internal error. This usually meant a fatal error and having to return the Sex Bot 360 to Microsoft for them to replace it. God bless the extended warranty. Now all he had to do was find a way to get it off his manhood.
Selles: “Yeah, I see the error. How do I get it off my dick?! I need to bust a load lady!!!!”
Jane: “Mmm hmmm sir. Calm down and we’ll get this situation resolved with your nut successfully busted. Look for the emergency pussy simulator release button. It should be located on the anterior wall of the unit. On a real woman it would be what you’d call the G spot sir.”
Selles moved around and was able to hook a finger up inside the simulator between his rapidly swelling tool and the lips of the pussy unit. He tried for five minutes but could not locate it. “I can’t find it!!! I can’t find it!!!!” Selles was panicking.
Jane: “It’s okay sir. Relax. Don’t worry, it is hard to find and men usually just can’t figure out where it is. Would you like me to remotely trigger the release? I warn you…you will have an orgasm and it will be very intense. Almost painful sir. Do you still wish me to proceed?”
Selles: “Yes! Fucking do it!!!”
There was an audible *BLOOK* sound and then…
Selles: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!”
When the dots in his vision subsided he saw in her left eye…..*Achievement unlocked..Super Nutter Butter*. HELL YEAH!!!!!!
Jane: “Sir? The unit is released. You let out a rather loud groan! Are you okay?”
Selles: “Woooh, uhhhh, yeah….I’m okay.”
Jane: “Great sir! And how are your nuts? Your junk?”
Selles: “The pressure is released. Things are returning to normal. So now what?”
Jane: “Good to hear about your cock and balls sir! What you want to do now is remove her hard drive and ship her back to us and we will send you a new Sex Bot 360! Is there anything else I can do for you? Maybe you’d like to upgrade?”
Selles: “Upgrade? Can I get a Minka Kelly skin? I will ship her back to you. Thanks for your help Jane. I hope you don’t think I am a pervert.”
Jane: “Of curse sir, we will do that at no charge to you! And no, not at all! If you want to stick your junk inside a machine that is your business! Better our sex bots than the vaccuum, right? TEE HEE HEE!!!! I would maybe recommend maybe that you get out and find a real woman though. Too much sexbotting can make you go blind I hear! Thank you for using Microsoft customer service!!! Goodbye!”
Selles hung up the phone and removed the closed down bot off of his lap. He sighed loudly….”I should have gotten an I-Hoe. Apple’s shit hardly ever fucks up!”