We all can recognize when we have ventured too far across the tracks and ended up in the ghetto. The billboards are no longer in English. The ratio of pawn shops to Starbucks has flipped. There are jaliscos/check cashing places on every block. What we may not notice is when WE ARE ghetto. That’s why I’m here! This handy checklist will allow you to see the signs and realize if you have gone ghetto.
Turn around Marge….I think we’ve gone too far.
10. You car is a pile of shit. Mismatched body panels, three blinging rims and one regular rim, a bad bubbled tint job with your family name on the back window, and you drive an Oldsmobile cutlass- doesn’t matter what year. Also, if your rims are larger than a person, stop drinking the ghetto juice.
Yes playa, there is such a thing as too much.
9. You know the formula for grape Kool-Aid from birth. If you are truly ghetto, you buy the cheap knock-off mix or even the pre-made shit. For those who don’t know the formula it is as follows:
Shitload of sugar+shitload of grape mix= GRAPE DRAAAAAAANK!!!!
Only the ghetto know the exact ratio. It’s just a gut feeling. Hardwired into your ghettofied DNA. Some of you are nodding with a knowing smile right now. You’re ghetto. The others of you who are puzzled- you are not. Go back to your coffee.
8. Every carbonated beverage in existence is a Coke, even when you mean something else. Say you stop at the corner store and your friend offers to hook you up with a beverage. They ask, “What would you like?” You say, “A Coke.” You wait patiently in the car dreaming of the delicious goodness of a (insert favorite regional carbonated diabetic bomb of a drink here) and your friend comes back with an actual Coca-Cola. You are disappointed! Your friend should have known what you meant! Fucker! If you are laughing out loud right now…you’re ghetto.
See, America is just ghetto as shit!!!
7. When you go to the grocery store….it’s a family event. Grandma in her scooter chair, all your cousins, Ray-Ray, Lil’ Puppet, Pooky n’ them…..they ALL GO. Whether they’re needed or not. Also, none of the kids are wearing proper clothes. Some may be barefoot. The babies are just in Pampers. Grandma is packing a pistol. You’ve seen them. If you haven’t…then it’s your group.
Everyone in this picture is related. Anybody seen nana?
6. The furniture adorning your domicile is terribly mismatched. Your couch is cloth and beige, but your recliner is pleather and dark green. Your kitchen table is a card table with folding chairs. You’ve inherited every piece of furniture you own from someone else. Ghetto time!!! Welcome to Thunderdome, bitch!!!!
You wish your shit was this good.
5. There is a non working vehicle somewhere on your premises. Whether you live in an apartment complex, duplex, or actually have a home (which is some major feat with your shitty ghetto credit) there is a thing that vaguely resembles a vehicle rotting in your driveway or parking area. It has already died, leaving the telltale blobbed stain of oil on the asphalt or concrete, but dammit…you had good times in that motherfucker!!! You conceived your first chilren in dat ride with your first babymomma/daddy. This leads me too….
Don’t assume the one under the tarp is the non-working one. They’re all equally busted.
4. You have a babydaddy/babymomma. Non ghetto people tend to, you know, be married to the people they procreate with or at the very least be in a committed relationship with the person who has provided half of the genetic material to your offspring…but not ghetto people!!!! We never let having a pack of feral, bad ass kids get in the way of banging as many hood rats or gangstas as possible!
Somebody got with this….willingly. Drunk or not, this is scary.
3. You have MULTIPLE babydaddies/mommas. Impressive as it is to have 4 children by the age of 22, it’s even MORE impressive if those 4 kids are from 4 different parents! The family barbecues/fish frys/birthday parties are always good drama! Watching someone get drunk at a kids’ party and forget who junior’s daddy/momma is? Now that’s great entertainment.
Y’all wanna hear something funny? Y’all know Craig? See, what had happen was….
2. Your credit it shit. I don’t mean “Oh shoot, my score went from 750 to 680!” I mean, “God daaaaamn!!! My shit’s almost in single digits!”. You have credit so bad that loan sharks are really your only option. Payday loan places close up shop when they see you coming. Credit so jacked up that the only offers in the mail you get are for cards with an APR so high, your grandkids will still be paying off anything you might buy with it.
Y’all got layaway?
1. You’re a grandparent before you turn 40. The average age for most people becoming a grandparent is 50 for women and 52 for men. In the ghetto though, errrrbody is in a hurry so no one waits that long!!! You must be craaaaaazy!! Fuck school!!! Let’s make babies we can’t afford to take care of!!! Condoms?! Hell no, that shit ruins the feeling yo!! You have kids by 16, they have kids by 16. You’re 32 and taking care of your grandbaby while your child finishes up with their GED. So you have to wait until they’re done so you can get your GED. Then you’re 48 watching your great-grandkids with your 32 year old child (who still lives at home by the way) while your grandkids get their GEDs. Terribly vicious cycle.
Not pictured…their mother’s heads exploding.
If you’ve gotten this far and are in any way offended…you’re ghetto-er than a muuuufucka man!!!! You recognize some of these signs. Doesn’t make you a bad person at all. Be proud! Drink your juice and eat your fried baloney n’ cheese sammitch with joy!!! Now go cash yo’ gubment check and don’t forget to pick up some more Kool-Aid. You’re almost out.*
*This is meant as satire. Really, if you didn’t figure that out by now, there is no help for you.
Anyone can have ghetto ass tendencies.
Ghetto doesn’t discriminate. It crosses all races and regions cause it’s fucking hood like that!