Hello all five of you! I don’t blog much anymore because, shit, my life got hella busy and I really don’t have time to sit and create awesome stuff like I used to. I think since the last time I wrote anything I have gotten a job! Yah! Yes, I am now gainfully employed again after 18 months of being destitute and on social security disability. You haven’t lived until you make less than 12,000 dollars a year! YEAH!!! They should make that into a board game or an Iphone app or something! Call it Angry Poor People. The object of the game is to fling your mounting bills at the fat, rich pigs safely ensconced behind gilded walls. You never win because eventually they repo your slingshot.
How did you do it, Selles?! How did you change things? What is your secret?!!! Well, it all started one day in late August 2011. I was at the movies with my friend Lisa watching Captain America for the 3rd time (WHAT?! I LIKE IT.) when I just came out and said. “Fuck it, I’m joining a gym. I’m gonna work out.” She was , I’m sure, skeptical. Heck, I was skeptical. Every time I’ve said this before I make it 2 or 3 weeks then I fade back into obese-laden procrastination and malaise. I was most likely 300 pounds at the time with 41 percent body fat. This was 7 months ago. I am 259 pounds now with 28 percent body fat and dropping. Going 4 days a week every week since. What made this time different?
Two words….crushing relationship failure. Ok, that’s three words, but I’m terrible at the math. Anyway, I was involved with a lovely woman and without going into intimate detail, let’s just say it was complicated and got even more so as things went on. We had a great time while it lasted but by the end I felt terrible pangs of guilt and the karmic fruit I was reaping was pulling my life apart piece by excruciating piece. Within 2 years my father had died, I lost two jobs, I went on disability, developed debilitating arthritis, my roommate moved out, and my relationship ended. Oh, and I had two lovely stays at the hospital! WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! It was my choice to end it. I did it because I really didn’t have any other choice. I did it for my self worth. I had to learn to love myself and respect myself before I could truly show that to others. I wasn’t doing either of us any good. I wasn’t good.
I was a shattered man. I was trapped in my apartment, barely able to move and be functional. I was barely surviving on 1159 dollars a month and by the grace of close friends who I can NEVER REPAY FOR THEIR KINDNESS AND PATIENCE WITH ME. On one of the rare days I felt good, I went to the movies. Why did this epiphany happen during Captain America? Maybe I felt like a fat Steve Rogers, watching others around me find success and be strong and living beautiful lives while I sat weak and powerless in the corner. How could I show my true strength? What was my super-soldier serum?
I was. It was me. It’s been me all along. People ask me what I did, what my motivation was, why I was so dedicated. I tell them every time that there isn’t a secret. Just do it. I just got fed up and truly tired and disgusted with what I looked like and the course my life had taken. So I did something with the one thing in my life I could control directly…I took my sad, fat bag of beaten bones and began to go to the gym. I started slow at first, lifting weights that a 10 year old girl would scoff at. Curling 30 pounds at first, doing 10 minutes on the treadmill at 2.0 miles an hour. Baby steps. Fuck did it hurt like a bitch! The voice in my head saying, “Heeeeeeeey, fuck this, let’s get a pizza, play some video games, jerk off, then go to sleep, fatty.” I resisted. Every time I had the urge to stop, I kept going. Every time I thought about skipping a day, I went. When I hurt, I went. When I was sad, I went. Angry? I went. Bad day? I went. I remember being at the gym one day doing my leg workout and stopping for a moment and just crying. This was back in November I think. I was feeling the loss of both of my parents really strongly at the time. I was overcome with a deep feeling of loss. I didn’t want to die young like they did. I didn’t want to die alone, without knowing true, healthy love. I had to give myself the opportunity for it and I had to stop hiding myself under Fat Selles. I was fun on the outside, but I was so sad inside.
Anyway, 41 pounds later, I feel great. My heart is strong and my body feels good. The damage is already done, but with exercise I have reclaimed my life and claimed something I was missing before. Happiness. I never realized the power of it before. I’m calmer. More able to adjust to terrible things. My karma is great. Good fortune has shined on me. I have a job, I have new roommates, I have better health and a great outlook. I’m not saying I haven’t had challenges since then. My beloved 84 year old great uncle Charles is in the hospital ICU as of this writing fighting for his life. He’s battling pneumonia and kidney failure and he almost died this past Friday. I also lost a dear, close friend to a heart attack not even three weeks ago. Miss ya Jeff! These events have only added to my resolve and made me even more determined to improve myself for them. So when my uncle recovers I can be there for him like he was all those years for me. So I can live my life like my buddy Jeff always did..with a smile, faith in himself, his god, and a great attitude. Make friends, love and care for family, do your best at work, and enjoy the time you get in this existence.
I have noticed the physical changes of course, but what I notice most is the change I see in how people respond to me and how they see me. I can scarcely believe it. It’s intoxicating. I’m 36 and for the first time I have women telling me I am handsome and that I look great. You don’t realize the power to change someone’s day that has. I see people differently because I feel like they see me now. I’m learning to love myself. Finally.
Not bad for a guy who just wanted to be less fat 7 months ago. I can’t wait to see what the next 5 months will do for me. 🙂