Hiya nerds and geeks! Selles here, bringing you another installment of my exquisite brand of geeknanigans. Today’s blog is sponsored by nerd rage!!!!! We as nerds all know about nerd rage, don’t we? Yes, we do. You know what I’m talking about.
No? Lemme tell you. Nerd rage is usually something that manifests itself when ‘Normals’ (i.e., non-nerd douchebags) say or do something that is an affront to all of your hard edged and honed nerd sensibilities, or the establishment fucks with or destroys something you love. This blog was written with the help of my geek menagerie, The Geekvengers. Never will you find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy! I asked them for ideas and things that make them dream of beating people about the head and neck with their Hulk hands.
If the Hulk gets that pissed over running out of toilet paper, douchebags should run for their lives.
No, actually, they’re nice people. Except that one guy with all the action figures. I don’t trust him. Anyway, down to the list……
1. “Comic books are for kids!” -As an avid comic book collector for the past 25 years, I have heard this common refrain quite enough to make me want to bash people over the head with one of my comic boxes. Stuff like, “Why do you read those?”. Listen, some of the most intriguing, compelling, emotional, gripping, and amazing stories ever written or drawn have been between the pages of those so called kid’s books. Every superhero movie you’ve ever seen is based on those kid’s books. Regular people like those movies, heck, they may even love them, so why hate on the source material? That Dark Knight Trilogy that everyone is lining up to suck on its awesome teat? What do you think it is based on? I could name all the graphic novels that those movies pull from, but your head might explode from all the knowledge. Why do I read comic books? Because they are fucking art. It takes great artists and great writers a month to put together one issue that takes you 10 seconds to dismiss? Grow a pair and man up. Read a comic. It’s ok to look at the pictures. Some smart ass motherfuckers read comics. You should too.
2. “It’s silly to dress up!”– Look, I’m not one to do this myself, but I have numerous friends who do and they love it. I can see into their souls, and their souls are dressed up as a stormtrooper or Kaylee or Jayne Cobb (yes, with the hat!). I enjoy seeing that type of devotion to something. I don’t mock a chick for slathering on too much makeup, wearing something that makes people focus on their tits as if they were a red-assed baboon, stripper heels, and enough perfume to choke the ozone. Isn’t that dressing up too? What makes what nerds and geeks do different? Is it because people have deemed what we do as socially unacceptable? Because it makes you uncomfortable? ‘Normal’ folks think we are somehow damaged or broken, which in my experiences is as far from the truth as possible. They are some of the finest people you could ever meet. The joy it brings out in my friends shows on their faces every time they have an opportunity to do it. Why would you shit on that? So it isn’t your thing. So what?
3. “You’ll grow out of it.” Some people do, I won’t lie. That kid who went to see Star Wars on opening day could have grown up to be a normal, regular adult who doesn’t own action figures or whose walls aren’t adorned with signed photos or framed art or posters. Most likely they grew up and got into sports and have a favorite team or three, or they got into music, or they like to build things, or race cars, or whatever other hobby you can think of. So why then do people say such dumb shit like, “When are you going to grow up and get rid of all this kid’s stuff”?! I answer with, “My bad ass Bane statue says to go fuck yourself.” EVERYONE has things that they still like but really probably shouldn’t. It’s an escape from the everyday life. Nerds and geeks have jobs, we pay bills, we raise kids, we have pets, we can do all the normal crap you do, we just to get to come home to our awesome nerd shelves and our rocking DVD collection. We also run your IT department, so keep watching porn at work. Go ahead. I dare you.
4. Posers. Said with dripping disgust and ire. Unfortunate that I have to use an 80’s term, but I feel that it fits. They may also be known as their government name…hipsters. You know the ones of which I speak? The jackass that wears the Punisher t-shirt and has no fucking idea who the Punisher is, why he punishes, or that Frank Castle is a bad motherfucker who has taken on Spider-Man, Daredevil, and whoever else he feels needs a beat down. Ahem…sorry, nerd rant. They wear shit ironically because the design is “Cool, bro” or because they’re trying to make it popular. Sorry to break it to you hipster douchecannons, but all that nerd shit you wear would have gotten you a beating when I was in school. NO ONE WORE NERD ANYTHING for risk of being dunked in a toilet and given an atomic fusion 10 megaton wedgie. Now I can’t go five feet without seeing someone wearing a Tardis t-shirt or Superman’s crest on their chest. Why does it piss me off? Because you didn’t EARN IT. You didn’t grow up loving these properties and suffering through the dark ages like I did!!!!! When all you had was your imagination and free time. When you finally get to see Bane in The Dark Knight Rises on the big screen portrayed as you always had dreamed since Joel Suckmorecher made him a knuckledragging mongol beast and some taintnugget mutters, “Dude, who is this guy?! I can’t understand him!”, I wish I had mental powers so I could melt the guys head out from under his knit cap. It’s fucking SUMMER, guy!!!! Take it off!!! Real nerds and geeks wear what we do because we know what the deuce it’s about. We get it. When you get that knowing nod as you pass another nerd it makes it worth it. No, you can’t be in the club.
5. Hollywood. This isn’t so much a single particular thing as a broad blanket cast over the institution of moviemaking. Hollywood can get it right with movies such as The Dark Knight Trilogy, X-Men: First Class (except for it’s lack of color), and Watchmen. However, most often they get it waaaaaaaaaay wrong. Like X-Men Origins: Wolverine wrong. Michael Bay’s Transformers transforming your childhood into salty tears you cry into your Optimus Prime pillowcase wrong. We all understand that changes have to be made to make these properties attractive to the mainstream audiences, but when you fundamentally change who a character is so the “new, hot star” can play them, you’re doing it wrong. Taylor Kitsch wrong. I’ll use him as an example. He played Gambit in the aforementioned shitty Wolverine movie. He wasn’t portrayed as cajun. Why? I don’t know. Most likely because Taylor in all his smoldering hotness (I’ve heard), cannot do a proper cajun accent. He was shitty. Handsome, but shitty. Another example is Bane from Joel Suckasser’s (sorry, I refuse to utter that turdnuggets name) movie that sort of resembled a Batman movie, but sucked a ton. When one of your favorite characters is ruined by Hollywood’s need to give you their version and not the essence of the character from the comic books (There are those damned kid’s books again!) it sucks away a piece of your soul. You can’t explain your exasperation and your vitriol. Not to the normal people.
6. “No, that’s not how it happened! My brother saw the Spider Man movie and says…..” FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU! Be quiet. You tread into dangerous territory here. Do not correct a nerd or geek. Trust me. We will always know more about it than your brother who saw the Amazing Spider-Man. Unless your brother is a super nerd like me. If not, then just be quiet over there, listen, and you may learn something. Knowledge is power! A true geek knows the difference between artificial web-shooters and organic ones and that Gwen Stacy MUST DIE to make the new movies even close to legit. Bitch has gotta go. The rules. Not up for debate. We have forgotten more shit about nerd happenings and whatnot than you will ever know.
7. “Chewbacca? Oh, I love him! He’s from that Star Trek, right?” – There is no faster way to make me fantasize about kung-fuing the shit out of you like I’m Neo and you’re Morpheus than to add characters from one property into another. I seriously don’t know how you could possibly mix up Star Wars and Star Trek. The only similarities between the two is that they take place in space and have Star in their titles. When you’ve seen one or the other, you don’t mix them up. So when you utter dumb statements like that I know you haven’t seen either and are just trying to stay in a conversation in which you were hopelessly outmatched to begin with. Go back to your Kardashians gossip. Nerds prefer Cardassians, thank you.