You’re Much Shittier Than I Expected

As a hardcore geek, my blood boils over on a great many nerd things. Hollywood ruining my childhood, The Kingpin being portrayed as a black guy in Daredevil: The Affleckining, fat guys dressed as Batman at comic conventions, Han Solo not shooting know, important, world changing things!!! One thing, though, pisses me off enough to take time from my important Netflix binge-watching (Hey, all those episodes of Fringe aren’t going to watch themselves, you know!) and that is…..

The endings….

Of television series. Some really awesome shows had wonderful runs and were just laid to waste by incomplete, rushed, or just plain bad endings. I, like you, devote years of my life to delve deep into my favorite shows. I spend countless hours absorbing the back-story and all the minute details. Then, when the inevitable happens, and the show runs its course and must end, I expect there to be AN ULTIMATE EPISODE OF EPIC MAGNITUDE. A MAJESTIC CLOSURE! All the story-lines get wrapped up neatly, the guy gets the girl, the girl gets the guy, the guy gets blown, the bad guy gets died, everyone gets high and lives happily ever after. Boom. MIND BLOWN.


Alas…more often than not, this fails to happen. Why? I don’t know. Bad writing? The mythology got so huge that they forgot half of the shit they invented in the first place? Not writing the ending first? Not having a five year plan for the show? Most likely though, the show got canceled and there was no time to write a proper geekturbatory send-off to your obsessed-over favorite time-suck of a show. Sucks for you that you liked a show that no one watched. Yes, I’m talking to you, Browncoats. 🙂

mal reynolds tightpants

Not even your tight pants were enough to save the show. Also, Wash is still dead.

These are just American shows and not a complete list. These are just five examples off the top of my head…..

1. Star Trek: Enterprise-‘These Are the Voyages…’ Sooooo, after I invest time into getting to know great characters like Archer, Reed, Phlox, Klingon #3, and T’Bang, errrr, T’Pol you’re going to give me an ending involving Old Fat Riker and Sorta Still Hot Counselor Troi on THE FUCKING HOLODECK?! Like you’re telling me the entire struggle of the first Earth ship to explore space and make first contact, their year-long fight to save Earth from the Xindi (still sounds like an alien stripper to me), and Captain Archer’s crucial role in the formation of the Federation was all just a computer generated program on the holodeck that it extrapolated from history texts?! The show couldn’t even get a proper ending?! The cook was fat-ass Riker the whole time? You kill Trip Tucker in the last episode on some half-assed, poorly executed “Save my daughter, Enterprise!!!” story? Would you like some weak sauce with your fail fries? They couldn’t even give us Archer’s speech. All we got was how important it was. It was like if you heard about Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address from everyone, but no one actually had a copy of it for you to read. See for yourself….

So much fail. It’s still too painful.

2. Lost-‘The End’. I loved this show. I didn’t get what the fuck was going on, but I loved it! Right until the very end, when they decided to just chuck a deuce on even trying to make sense and gave you….nothing. After years of building mystery on top of mystery they copped out and didn’t explain shit. The smoke monster, the numbers, the hatch, the electromagnetic island that time travels, the telepathic kid, and the FUCKING POLAR BEAR were just conveniently forgotten to bring us a bunch of really happy dead people meeting up in purgatory. Perhaps you liked the show too and I offer my condolences. I learned a hard lesson. Never trust Damon Lindelof to write ANYTHING. Prometheus, anyone?

3. The Sopranos-‘Made in America’.  I was fascinated to watch Tony Soprano and his mob shenanigans! The beatings! The killings! The robbings! The strippers! The gabagool! Baba-boom bada-bing, fuggedaboutit! Watching this show, you expected Tony was going to get a couple of bullets to the skull. I was waiting for it. We cut to the final scene in the diner. The family was all together in a rare Rockefeller-type moment, enjoying each others company. THAT was a perfect time for…..the screen to go to black and the credits to roll. What the fuck, man?! THAT’S the one murder you can’t show? Give me the gunshots, give me Tony face down in his onion rings with his blood and brains staining the table! Heck, gun down the whole family. Nobody liked AJ anyway. Fuck it. Sometimes you can be too cute and creative for your own good, David Chase.

Heck, I would have taken this over the nothing we got.

4. St. Elsewhere-‘The Last One’. You whippersnappers may not remember this great television show about the goings on at a fictional Boston teaching hospital, St. Eligius. Let me educate. The hospital was dilapidated and in the ghetto! There was drama, lives saved, lives lost, comedy, romance, and life lessons learned! St. Elsewhere was the ER of the 80’s. Besides that, it had a cast of Hollywood bad-asses such as Denzel Washington, Mark Harmon, Ed Begley, Jr., Ronnie Cox, Alfre Woodard, and even Howie Mandel. A hardcore audience followed the lives, professionally and personally, of the staff and patients. There was only one problem… was all the imagining of an autistic kid named Tommy Westphall. Excuse me, what? So, all that shit didn’t really happen on the show? Well, fuck me. This was such a big “shit on the audience” moment that there is actually a Tommy Westphall Universe Hypothesis. Click the link and look for yourself.

Also, there was a cute cat that always showed in the intro and end credits named Mimsie. Because there wasn’t enough mind-fucking going on in the final episode, they said, “Let’s kill Mimsie, too!!!”

5. Dinosaurs-‘Changing Nature’. There is so much mind-cramping going on with this show that it’s hard to pick on the ending. It was the 90’s. Don’t judge. Times were different. Basically, this show, catering to mainly children, was half Flintstones and half acid-trip with dinosaurs thrown in. The characters were Jim Henson puppets. Picture the Simpsons as dinosaurs and you’ve essentially got it. We all know dinosaurs all died when a huge asteroid played chicken with Earth and nearly missed. This being a show whose merchandise was marketed to children, it was pretty hardcore for them to end it’s run by basically telling everyone that the dinos fucked up and ENDED THE WORLD. The end was a thinly veiled commentary on global environmental issues and how mankind’s (or dinokind’s) greed and stupidity ruined it all. It was heavy subject matter for a show about some fucking muppets, man.

Hey, Baby, so….you ready to die?

4 thoughts on “You’re Much Shittier Than I Expected

  1. The only one I can talk about is Sopranos. I remember watching it and thinking the cable went out and screaming at the TV. Nope, that was the ending. If you read around the blogosphere and other internet you will find that there is much debate as to if Tony was killed at the end or not. I really hate when series are cancelled and there is no real finale, such as Heroes.

    Now do your blog of the best series finales.

    As a huge fan of The Closer, I was thrilled to see how that show went out.

    • I will have to compile that list for sure. 🙂

      And David Chase tried getting too cute with shit at the end. He should have just shown what happened. Coppola would have. Fuggedaboutit!

      • I have heard people say that about him. He broke my heart when he killed off Adriana after that teaser daydream sequence of her getting away.

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