“No spoilers!!” Yeah, we all know that one person or group of people that moan about spoilers for shows and movies they haven’t watched. They usually see your Facebook or Twitter post about something they haven’t seen and they just can’t resist clicking on it like a heroin addict chasing the dragon. Then they loudly type, “NO SPOILERS!!! I HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET!!!!”.
There are legit times in which to proclaim your fear of spoilers, but this blog isn’t about that. This blog is about the people who call NO SPOILERS about shit they have no right to still be claiming no spoilers on. I always have to resist my desired reaction when I hear no spoilers.
Person: “No Spoilers!!!”
Me: (Punches person) “There. Were you surprised? Hell of a twist, right?!”
So, this is when you can’t claim NO SPOILERS:
1. When the show or movie is years old. Just because YOU haven’t seen the cartoon, movie, or tv show in question and EVERYONE else has, doesn’t mean you can jump into the conversation and cry about being spoiled. Fucking catch-up, you lazy bastard! You’ve had YEARS. Either move into that cave you’ve been eying or join us in the 21st century and fucking Netflix, Amazon, Hulu, or Youtube that shit. Borrow your friend’s collection. Whatever.
Person: “Holy shit, did you know that Vader is Luke’s father?!!!!”
Me: “Where the fuck you been, dude?!!!”
2. When you have no intention of watching whatever it is that is being talked about. I listened to my friends go on about Doctor Who and other shit that I was actively not watching and was in no danger of watching. Not once did a desire rise in me to chastise them for discussing it in my presence on the small percent chance that I would decide to start watching and remember that one specific conversation and be crestfallen as my experience would be completely ruined!!! “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! The whole show is now ruined for me because I know about that one thing that happened that one time!!!!! RAAAAAAAGE!!!!!”
3. When you are not part of the conversation. Whether it be on the internet or in person, it is not ok for you to shoehorn your C ass into an A and B conversation. It’s like people get the shakes when they hear other people’s conversations about geek shit and can’t……keep……out…of…..it. Just keep away and find something constructive to do. When you are surfing the internet, don’t click the link when it says things like, “Holy shit Breaking Bad!!!!”, “Can you believe Dexter?!!!! Deb is craaaaazy!!!!”, or anything else of that nature. You will be spoiled in that thread and when that happens, it is only you that is to blame. That’s like you running into a burning building and then bitching about when you catch on fire.
4. You have actively chosen to spoil yourself. This should be self explanatory and sheer common sense, but we’re geeks and we just can’t resist. You might think this is just like #3, but it isn’t. #3 was all about jumping into someone else’s convo while this is all about you and your personal willpower and responsibility. No one is twisting your arm or talking near you about it. You just can’t stop yourself. I have a dear close friend of mine who devoured every tidbit of information about Star Trek Into Darkness. The plot, the character arcs, the whole fucking thing. Guess what happened? Yes, he hated the movie and at least once a day tells me how much he hated it. I just laugh and tell him, “B..O..O H..O..O.” I, on the other hand, was pleasantly oblivious about the movie and loved every damned second of it. What’s the lesson? DON’T FUCKING SPOIL YOURSELF! DUH. You do it and you develop specific expectations for the movie that always end up letting you down. Your dreams are dashed upon the Rocks of Nerd Doom. Wait for the show or movie and be surprised, for good or bad. Things are really more fun that way. You have no right to vacuum up everything about a show/movie you haven’t seen yet and then bitch about all that stuff. Just wait until you’ve seen the finished product before you don your Firefly t-shirt and begin your fanboy protests.