I watch a ton of movies, television, and other visual media. With that I have noticed a particular set of rules that the universes they portray follow that don’t conform to the real world. Things get Hollywooded. Each genre such as science fiction, superheroes, drama, action, horror, mystery, and political, etc. all follow sometimes absurd rules and tropes. Many of these rules are hilarious.
I’m lazy and I like lists, so this will be one of those. Hey, I wrote this on a Sunday while in my underwear. Did you really expect hard-hitting journalism? I want this to be an ongoing series. Each post will hit on a few absurd rules for each genre. You readers are more than welcome to share some of your own. If they are good, I’ll put them in a future blog and even mention them on The Blurred Nerds Podcast! This edition we will discuss…..
RULES FOR SCIENCE FICTION/ACTION MOVIES AND TV SHOWS:
1. The aliens are always the bad guys. No possible way humans could be the aggressor asshole species, right? We’re always good people! Until the aliens try to come in peace and we go all “BURN IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!” I, for once, would like to see human beings as the invading force in a science fiction show or movie.
2. The planet always gets beaten hilariously to the point of extinction by the enemy. Aliens, robots, monsters, ghosts, Leather Goddesses from Phobos; they’re always beating us (I wouldn’t mind a beating from those Leather Goddesses, actually) until we are about to get died. We have these massive militaries and coordinated defenses and shit, but we still get it in the ass like a fresh prison inmate. That is until…..
3. Major Dude Brosevich saves the day. His name is usually something manly like Jett Steele, Harry Stamper, or The Rock. He usually has an insane level of musculature bordering on Masters of the Universe levels. Armed with his muscles, limited intelligence, large caliber weapons, his sidekicks, and maybe some oil drilling equipment, he miraculously can defeat an evil alien horde/asteroid/bug/natural disaster to save the world. Also, he’s usually bearded and has a psychological problem or rage issues. Did I mention sidekicks….?
4. The buddy sidekick always dies. This usually occurs to further the plot. Agent Coulson in The Avengers, Harry Connick Jr. in Independence Day, Jaden Smith’s acting skills in After Earth; they all died a terrible death to further the plot and lead the hero to vengeance! Except for Jaden Smith, there was no saving that situation. Chances of death rise 100% if the sidekick mentions anything he/she wants to get back to or wants to have. Examples include, but are not limited to: Wife, kids, pets, desire to retire, desire to open up a business, or takes the last piece of chicken.
5. There is sound in space. We all know sound waves travel through air and atmosphere. No air, no atmosphere? No sound. “How will our sweet lasers make their pew-pew sounds, though?! How will people know stuff is happening without noises?! LOUD NOISES!!!!” Some of the best science fiction properties based in space get it mostly right like The Expanse (great show, watch it) and 2001: A Space Odyssey (I still don’t get that Space Baby), but for the most part they don’t and nobody cares! Ok, maybe real scientists care, but this is the science fiction/action universe soooo…
6. Nobody listens to the scientists! “The Earth’s core has stopped spinning!”, “The climate has changed, and we are in danger!” “There is going to be an earthquake/volcanic eruption/asteroid impact!” Whatever it is, nobody pays attention until the giant tidal waves destroy Los Angeles…again. That leads me to…
7. The major cities always get fucked in the booty hole. Yes, booty-hole is a technical term to me. Stop judging. Washington, D.C., Los Angeles, New York, Tokyo, San Francisco, Buenos Aires, Rio de Janeiro, Hong Kong, and Paris have all been blown to smitherbits multiple times. This leads me to believe that the science fiction universe doesn’t like coastal cities in particular. In all honesty, the Hollywood suits probably can’t name any other cities or it cost too much to render a CGI Cleveland, Ohio getting fucked up. Maybe it wouldn’t cost anything? Have you seen Cleveland?!
8. Stepdads are cannon-fodder. 2012, The Day After Tomorrow, San Andreas; what do they have in common? Besides making L.A. totally FUBAR, they also give your mom’s special friend and your new daddy the Big Chorizo of Death. Usually after they either save the day heroically, or throw you under the proverbial (and sometimes literal) bus to save their own ass. Point is, stepdads are step-fucked.
9. The villains, even if they are aliens, have sweet accents. I don’t know if it’s the accent or what, but they deliver THE BEST LINES! With that, their sexy-accented villainy always leads to….
10. The inevitable monologue detailing the entire evil plan. Whether it is to take over the world, destroy the world, or bang the hero’s sister, the villain always has this pathological need to tell everyone about it first. Humans, robots, aliens, robot aliens, alien robots, whatever; they all want to tell everyone everything. They have an over sharing problem.
Stay tuned for the next installment of The Geekfather’s shenanigans coming soon! You can also hear my ramblings on The Blurred Nerds Podcast!