*DISCLAIMER* THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING. YOU WON’T LOOK AT NINJA TURTLES THE SAME IF YOU READ THIS. IF YOU CHOSE TO CONTINUE, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. YOU’LL EITHER LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF OR NEVER COME HERE AGAIN.
Michelangelo was in his room relaxing after yet another tough street fight with the Foot Clan. He and his brothers fought Shredder and tore him a new turtlehole as usual. He retreated like a punk bitch as usual. While on the way home, Rocksteady and Beebop thought they could take advantage of the situation, but those fools got schooled too.
“No chance.” Mikey mumbled out loud to himself. Mikey was so awesome during that fight, literally yelling out “I’m righteous wicked, dude!!!!” He was chilling out waiting for the pizza guy to show (why they allow the pizza guy to see their hidden underground lair was beyond him) when his thoughts drifted to April O’Neil, the crack field reporter. She was always there on the scene, getting footage of them, helping in their fight, and inevitably needing their protection. His room was adorned with a disturbing amount of pictures of her, especially involving her ample breasts.
Mikey realized his little turtle was out of its shell. He was a teenager and the hormones were strong, even more so enhanced by the green radioactive ooze. Daredevil went blind and got enhanced senses and sonar, while all Mikey got was becoming a teenage mutant ninja turtle that got the most inappropriate monster boners. Right now was one of those times. “I got time before the pizza gets here! I can’t deny the TURTLE POWER!!!!!”
He found himself staring at all his April pictures on his wall like a horny teenager…who happens to be a six foot seven, 450lb turtle. Leo, Raph, and Donnie all thought he was crazy for being hot for a human woman. Raph was always saying “Turtles can’t bone people, ya numbskull!!! There are laws!” Well, he was a dreamer! Those titties of hers were always straining against her stupid yellow jumpsuit. “How many of those fucking things does she own?” Mikey thought to himself. Those thoughts led him to pull out “The Box” under his bed. The one that had the ‘more adult’ stuff he had of hers, which included a pair of her panties. Mikey had lifted a pair from her dresser when they were scouting her apartment after they first met her. Raph said it was to make sure she was “Cool n’ shit.” The panties were yellow. All of her panties were yellow. “What’s her deal with yellow, anyway?” He figured she wouldn’t miss a pair.
“Oh, April, let me help you out your jumpsuit…oh what I’m going to do to you…” Mikey was now in full furious stroke when April burst into his room..
“MIKEY!!! WE GOT A LEAD ON…..HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!!!!” April was mortified.
Mikey recoiled in shock and embarrassment. He fumbled with her panties and was trying to put his monster back in the shell.
“THE FUCK, MIKEY?! HOW DID YOU GET A PAIR OF MY PANTIES?! WHY WERE YOU MASTURBATING WITH THEM? GOD, WHY DOES YOUR PENIS LOOK LIKE THAT ALIEN GOO SNAKE FROM ‘PROMETHEUS’?! Even in absolute horrific shock, April still asked a ton of questions.
Mikey paused, still holding her yellow panties, “Uhhhh, what answer would get you to not tell Master Splinter about this? I mean, I borrowed a pair from your dresser when we were scoping your pad, dude. They were all yellow! I didn’t think you’d miss one pair! As for my penis, I’m a turtle. I have a turtle dick. You ever see a turtle dick?”
“NOOOOOOO!!!!! EWWWW!!!! WHY WOULD I LOOK FOR TURTLE DICK ON THE INTERNET?!” April was fuming now
“Curiosity? Once you go green…..”
“AHHHHGGGGHHH!!!! NOOO!!! THOSE WERE MY FAVORITE PAIR!!!! April interrupted.
Mikey was puzzled. “How can you tell?”
“I…JUST KNOW! DON’T JUDGE ME!!! MASTER SPLINTER!!!!! COME HERE!!!” The judgment in April’s eyes was unmistakable. Her eyes narrowed. “You’re so busted.”
Master Splinter appeared as if out of nowhere into the doorway, looking very grim and serious as always. “What….is the problem, my dear April?”
“I caught MICHELANGELO plaaaaaaying with himself while fondling and sniffing my panties!!!”
Splinter looked away from April and directly at a very guilty Mikey. “Yes….your favorite yellow ones…” Splinter whispered softly to himself with a wistful glint in his eye.
April shot a glare at Splinter. “What?!” Splinter recovered like a ninjitsu master. “Oh, nothing, nothing.” Splinter rose, back straight, “MICHELANGELO!!!!! YOU HAVE BROUGHT SHAME UPON THIS HOUSE!!! APOLOGIZE AT ONCE FOR YOUR DEVIANT BEHAVIOR!!!!”
Mikey was still trying to shrink his boner now hidden under his Incredible Hulk bed sheets. He was still staring at her breasts, which seemed to heave to and fro and almost throb on their own. How did her top remain closed. It was like she was wearing a smedium on purpose. “I’m sorry, April. I hadn’t ever planned for you to catch me ninjacking…”
“LOOK AT HER EYES!!!!” Splinter commanded. He was staring at her chest too, but he was better at hiding it. He missed being a human at times like this so much. Mikey raised his eyes to meet April’s. “I’m sorry. Do….you…want your panties back, dude?”
“EWWW, NOOOO!!!! BURN THOSE!!!!” April yelled. Then, composing herself, said more calmly “It is ok, I GUESS. Just…give me a lot of space. I don’t want to see you near my stuff again!”
Mikey looked over at Splinter, who returned his gaze with a look of stern disapproval. The stare burned through Mikey’s soul. “Ok.” Mikey said with the tone of a child who disappointed his parent.
“April, I apologize for my student’s actions. I will reprimand him accordingly. He will learn his lesson well.” Splinter was shrunken now in his standard slumped posture, as if asking for April’s forgiveness.
“Good! I’m…going to go now and pretend I never had this experience.I don’t know why I thought a turtle dick would look like a human dick.I need a drink.” The words trailed off as she rushed out the door.
Splinter stared at Mikey for what seemed like a 1,000 years before he finally spoke. “Michelangelo, what is the lesson to learn from this?”
Mikey thought hard for a moment then offered his answer, “Don’t masturbate, Master Splinter?”
“NO!!!” Splinter bellowed. “LOCK. YOUR. DOOR.” Splinter looked at him more softly now. “Now, put away your weapon and wash your hands. The pizza is here. Don’t touch mine, please.”
Vincent was listening to the All My Friends are Right HerePodcastlike he usually does on slow nights when the call came in. The call was from a number in Metropolis.
Fuck, he loved these calls.
Vince: “LuthorCorp Mutual, this is Vincent, how can I help you this evening?”
The caller sounded apprehensive and a more than a little shaken. “H..h..hello, my name is Joe. I’d like to file a claim.”
“Okay, Joe, I can help you with that. I did a search by your phone number and see that you’ve had claims before?” Vincent knew he did, but he liked to hear these people moan about Superman dropping a building on their car or Batman crashing through their living room and having a fistfight with 20 other strange dudes. It always made his night.
Joe knew Vincent was looking at his long history of filed claims. Joe has the misfortune of living downtown in a rent controlled high-rise…right next to The Daily Planet. He routinely had Superman on his roof as well as the rest of the Justice League using it as a “rally point”. He could literally hear them on his roof going on about “justice” and “vengeance”. Superman was always, “But truth, the American Way, guys!!!” Joe always thought that dude was a total pussy,
“Yes, I have. I don’t want to talk about those.” Joe felt it coming….
“HOLY SHIT, SUPERMAN THREW YOUR CAR AT DARKSEID?! MAN THAT MUST HAVE BEEN AWESOME!!!!!” Vincent said with a joyous tone.
“No, guy, it wasn’t! I had just bought that car. I saved up for years to get that car! He could have picked up the dump truck right next to it, but it’s like that asshole picked my car specifically. You guys didn’t pay that claim!!! I was out thousands! My credit score tanked!” Joe was seeing where this was going.
Vincent, hiding the glee in his voice, said, in a very professional manner, “Well, yes, we cover acts of God, not acts of A god. You understand, don’t you?”
Joe’s anger was simmering, “HE’S NOT A GOD!!!! HE’S A MAN!”
Vincent: “He’s Superman sir. He’s an alien; an illegal alien at that. So we also wouldn’t cover damages by a non-citizen. It’s in your policy.”
Joe: “He can’t be an illegal alien AND a god, man! He’s from fucking Kansas!!!”
Vincent: “No, he landed there, allegedly, and was raised by two as yet unidentified people. The US Government allows him to stay, because, well, they can’t make him leave.”
Joe:”Unidentified?! Uhhh, General Zod destroyed The Kent farm and went on and on about ‘Kal El’ and ‘BRING HIM TO MEEEEEE!’ in his best menacing super villain tone. Then Superman shows up and they wreck downtown Smallville?! That shit was on TV! Doesn’t it seem strange that Clark Kent reported on that fight like 5 minutes AFTER it was over? Like he was just lurking around? Don’t you think that’s strange? Like he knew already, or that he IS Superman?”
Vincent: “That’s preposterous, sir. Clark Kent wears glasses and cannot fly! Pffft! Besides, he was reported at work that day in Metropolis by Lois Lane. Why would she lie? She’s won a Pulitzer. He showed up later because he was concerned about his mom.”
Joe: “Really?! Let’s just get to my current claim, ok?”
Vincent: “Alright sir. What happened?”
Joe: “Superman threw my new car at Brainiac.”…..
Vincent burst out laughing: “Why would you think we would cover that this time if we didn’t last time?”
Joe: “This time the car landed in my living room.” Joe was pretty downtrodden now and pretty certain he only existed for Superman to torment him. Maybe he was just the creation of some hack blogger who thinks he’s funny. Joe never did get this whole Multiverse shit.
Vincent was amazed. “Dang, it’s like he knows where you live. As if he deliberately started fighting Brainiac outside your building, found your new car, picked it up in the air, got Brainiac positioned right in front of your window, and then threw the car right through him and the window? Man, bad luck, sir. I’m sure it wasn’t deliberate.”
Joe butted in, “Nah, I’m pretty sure it was!!! I heard him say, ‘I’ll show him who’s a fucking pussy.’ It’s as if he heard me that one time I said it out loud.”
Vincent, astonished at Joe’s ignorance, followed up, “Uh, he did. He can hear everyone at once. I wish you hadn’t mentioned that sir. There is a clause in your policy that states, ‘Talking shit about Superman, to Superman, about one of his friends, co-workers, mom, his dog, his chick, his side chick, and his cousin means he can destroy your property cause he’s mad. Also, Superman would never say those words. He’s a boy scout, sir.”
By this time Joe was nearly defeated, but he still kept fighting. “What the fuck kind of rule is that?! Boy Scouts don’t have side chicks!!! So this petulant asshole gets to fuck shit up because his feelings ARE HURT?!!!! That’s ridiculous!!! Only huge douchebags would…….”
Just then, a huge rending sound echoed through the phone, followed by a blood-curdling scream…”AAAARRRGGGGGHHHHH….”
”FFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK YYYYOOOOUUUUUUSSSSUUUPPPERRRRRRMMAAAANNN…..” was heard, tailing off as if it got farther and farther away at what sounded like a rapid speed.
Vincent: “Sir?! Joe?! Hello?! Are you there?!”
Superman: “Hello, citizen, this is……..SUPERMAN. Joe can’t come to the phone. He’s gone on vacation just now.”
Vincent was afraid to ask, but he did anyway. “How? Where?”
Superman, very calmly, said, “In his car, to Central City.”
“But…his car was in his living room and it was broken, obviously.” Vincent didn’t like the turn this took just now.
Superman, again, calmly, “I FIXED IT. I GAVE HIM A PUSH START…TO MACH 4. Had to show him how fucking pussies throw.”
The phone line went dead. Vincent stayed quiet for a long time. After what seemed like forever, he blurted out, “WOW, SUPERMAN DOES CURSE!!!!”
I hadn’t planned to blog about anything else this week after One Lone Black Nerd I Be, but my experience over these past couple of days needs to be shared. My close friends are aware of my struggles with chronic pain from gout and more prominently, from my lower back, sciatica, and numbness with tingling in my feet. I have suffered for years, partly due to insurance deficiencies and mostly due to my own stubbornness.
I hadn’t seen a doctor not just because I hadn’t had the insurance, but because, frankly, I was afraid to go. I feared the doctor would find something major wrong with me and add it to the already long list of ailments: heart disease, gout, abnormal kidney function, inability to do math, weakness for tall brunettes, and high risk for diabetes. That was the big fear. My father was diabetic. He had it really bad. Even with all his efforts, he lost the battle at 61. I am so scared that my ending will be the same so I try to take things more seriously when it comes to my doctor’s orders and recommendations. I’ve been diagnosed as diabetic before. I started working out and lost weight and got things back under control, but then my heart decided to crush me down to the brink followed by my back. I sat on my ass for almost 2 years now; my back not even allowing me to walk any length without extreme pain and my feet turning into numb bricks. I needed my back so I could get to work on making my heart better through exercise, so I finally decided to address the problem.
I made an appointment to see a highly respected and regarded local spine specialist a month ago and yesterday was the appointment. I do my research. When you go to the doctor as much as I do, you want someone capable, with a good bedside manner. They often have to give you news you don’t want to hear. It’s easier to take with niceness than with a cold detachment. The specialist did her exam and basically told me what I feared it always was…neuropathy. I immediately had thoughts of losing my feet like I’ve seen happen to so many others. I got x-rays, scheduled a CT, and an EMG (Electromyogram) to test for nerve damage. She also prescribed me two weeks of a drug called neurontin. I was like, “Great, another medication”, but this one has done a magic trick.
The medication has alleviated my back pain, numbness, and burning nerve pain in my legs, lumbar, and even my cervical spine by at least 85%. I still have the occasional twinge or sciatic ache, but let me tell you the near immediate change after I took this medication was mind-blowing. I felt like I was Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz where she opens the door from Kansas into Oz and everything goes from dirty, Dust Bowl black and white to majestic Technicolor. The Dark Side of the Moon was playing in my head, yes, because I know you were wondering. I must have stared at the ceiling for at least 5 minutes, looking at the tiles as if I had never really seen them before. My nerves no longer fired off in excruciating volleys of searing pain. I didn’t have to sit down once today to make the feeling come back to my feet. When I stood up, it was as if my legs were awake again and not merely rickety beams holding up an old rusted bridge. They wanted to move. My back wanted to move. It felt free, like it was unbound from the chains of torture. I honestly felt kind of stoned. That makes sense, as neurontin is a nerve pain drug. I felt….really damn good. I felt like I was the God-Damned Batman!
I was at work, at my desk, having a giggle fit. People thought I was crazy. The waves of pain relief that crashed through me put me in a state of near euphoric happiness. Nothing got to me today. Everything was ok. I was untouchable. I wasn’t on edge like I usually always am. I was so relieved to the point of tears. I did not realize I got used to the misery and torture I put my body through unnecessarily. I could have solved this years ago. I’m stubborn, just like my father. Hell, just like most men, especially african-american ones. “Just put some Vicks or Tussin on it!” My mother basically kept us alive with Vicks, Tussin, and Nyquil. Broken bone? Tussin. Ebola? Vicks. Coughing up blood? Nyquil. That’s how we rolled.
I walked around today, feeling like I had conquered a planet. I felt a king. I felt more hilarious (as if that’s possible!). I felt more intelligent. I felt more handsome (again, inconceivable!). My back DIDN’T hurt. My feet DIDN’T go numb. I’m anxious to get the results of these tests to see if there is anything more to be done, but I think I’m on the right track. I feel stupid for waiting and for being afraid. I won’t hold my GVTV crew back any longer. I won’t be the weak link. They won’t have to stop for me. They won’t have to leave me behind. I will be able to dance the good slow dances I owe to some special girls. I’ll be able to get my workouts on. I’m going to triumph over this obstacle just like all the others.