On this episode of the Blurred Nerds, we discuss our love of good and mostly bad 80’s movies like Angel. A 15 year old honor student/avenging prostitute?! Hey, it was a different, more coked-out time. The movie starred Betsy Russell who wasn’t really 15. Damn, she had some great 80’s boobs. The natural, hang just right, not augmented kind that every starlet had back then? Mmmmmm….ahem, yes, well…..click the picture and be transported to an audio wonderland.
We also discuss other stuff n thangs.
The Geekfather has some “stuff” to do.
I watch a ton of movies, television, and other visual media. With that I have noticed a particular set of rules that the universes they portray follow that don’t conform to the real world. Things get Hollywooded. Each genre such as science fiction, superheroes, drama, action, horror, mystery, and political, etc. all follow sometimes absurd rules and tropes. Many of these rules are hilarious.
I’m lazy and I like lists, so this will be one of those. Hey, I wrote this on a Sunday while in my underwear. Did you really expect hard-hitting journalism? I want this to be an ongoing series. Each post will hit on a few absurd rules for each genre. You readers are more than welcome to share some of your own. If they are good, I’ll put them in a future blog and even mention them on The Blurred Nerds Podcast! This edition we will discuss…..
RULES FOR SCIENCE FICTION/ACTION MOVIES AND TV SHOWS:
1. The aliens are always the bad guys. No possible way humans could be the aggressor asshole species, right? We’re always good people! Until the aliens try to come in peace and we go all “BURN IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!” I, for once, would like to see human beings as the invading force in a science fiction show or movie.
2. The planet always gets beaten hilariously to the point of extinction by the enemy. Aliens, robots, monsters, ghosts, Leather Goddesses from Phobos; they’re always beating us (I wouldn’t mind a beating from those Leather Goddesses, actually) until we are about to get died. We have these massive militaries and coordinated defenses and shit, but we still get it in the ass like a fresh prison inmate. That is until…..
3. Major Dude Brosevich saves the day. His name is usually something manly like Jett Steele, Harry Stamper, or The Rock. He usually has an insane level of musculature bordering on Masters of the Universe levels. Armed with his muscles, limited intelligence, large caliber weapons, his sidekicks, and maybe some oil drilling equipment, he miraculously can defeat an evil alien horde/asteroid/bug/natural disaster to save the world. Also, he’s usually bearded and has a psychological problem or rage issues. Did I mention sidekicks….?
4. The buddy sidekick always dies. This usually occurs to further the plot. Agent Coulson in The Avengers, Harry Connick Jr. in Independence Day, Jaden Smith’s acting skills in After Earth; they all died a terrible death to further the plot and lead the hero to vengeance! Except for Jaden Smith, there was no saving that situation. Chances of death rise 100% if the sidekick mentions anything he/she wants to get back to or wants to have. Examples include, but are not limited to: Wife, kids, pets, desire to retire, desire to open up a business, or takes the last piece of chicken.
5. There is sound in space. We all know sound waves travel through air and atmosphere. No air, no atmosphere? No sound. “How will our sweet lasers make their pew-pew sounds, though?! How will people know stuff is happening without noises?! LOUD NOISES!!!!” Some of the best science fiction properties based in space get it mostly right like The Expanse (great show, watch it) and 2001: A Space Odyssey (I still don’t get that Space Baby), but for the most part they don’t and nobody cares! Ok, maybe real scientists care, but this is the science fiction/action universe soooo…
6. Nobody listens to the scientists! “The Earth’s core has stopped spinning!”, “The climate has changed, and we are in danger!” “There is going to be an earthquake/volcanic eruption/asteroid impact!” Whatever it is, nobody pays attention until the giant tidal waves destroy Los Angeles…again. That leads me to…
7. The major cities always get fucked in the booty hole. Yes, booty-hole is a technical term to me. Stop judging. Washington, D.C., Los Angeles, New York, Tokyo, San Francisco, Buenos Aires, Rio de Janeiro, Hong Kong, and Paris have all been blown to smitherbits multiple times. This leads me to believe that the science fiction universe doesn’t like coastal cities in particular. In all honesty, the Hollywood suits probably can’t name any other cities or it cost too much to render a CGI Cleveland, Ohio getting fucked up. Maybe it wouldn’t cost anything? Have you seen Cleveland?!
8. Stepdads are cannon-fodder. 2012, The Day After Tomorrow, San Andreas; what do they have in common? Besides making L.A. totally FUBAR, they also give your mom’s special friend and your new daddy the Big Chorizo of Death. Usually after they either save the day heroically, or throw you under the proverbial (and sometimes literal) bus to save their own ass. Point is, stepdads are step-fucked.
9. The villains, even if they are aliens, have sweet accents. I don’t know if it’s the accent or what, but they deliver THE BEST LINES! With that, their sexy-accented villainy always leads to….
10. The inevitable monologue detailing the entire evil plan. Whether it is to take over the world, destroy the world, or bang the hero’s sister, the villain always has this pathological need to tell everyone about it first. Humans, robots, aliens, robot aliens, alien robots, whatever; they all want to tell everyone everything. They have an over sharing problem.
Stay tuned for the next installment of The Geekfather’s shenanigans coming soon! You can also hear my ramblings on The Blurred Nerds Podcast!
Special guest Eric Staples joins us once again on the podcast where we discuss:
– Sims 4 removing gender restrictions
– Shorter future seasons on Game Of Thrones
– Meme Wars
– Walking Dead
– Reboots of Highlander & League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen
– Scary movies as a child vs now
– What makes someone walk out of a movie/stop watching a show
– Upcoming geek events and cons.
Read more at The Blurred Nerds on Facebook
People ask me why I am doing this. Why am I chasing down this dream of becoming a professional, paid geek entertainer, podcaster, and voice actor? Where did you get this drive to do what needs to be done to make it happen?
To answer that question, I have to go back to July 6th, 1975, when I was born to Carolyn and Donald Coe. That was a year of the rabbit in the Chinese Zodiac. Why does that matter? Well, the traits of men born in the year of the rabbit are:
“…those who always treat people politely, with a gentle smile that makes people feel that they are credible and sincere. When meeting trouble, Rabbits can handle it in an orderly way; when encountering tough difficulties they are never discouraged, but are persistent to seek solutions. So they eventually achieve enviable success.”
Enviable success? I like that.
So I’m totally destined for greatness?
Perhaps, but having those traits doesn’t guarantee anything. I still needed the nurturing and the constant push to speak up, to do the right things by people, to make them laugh, to make them happy. I credit my mother with this, the toughest woman I have ever known. She came from South Central Los Angeles and could survive almost anything. She showed my sister and I how to take life’s punches and punch back. I never saw her complain or quit, and she had every right and reason to. I used to ask her why she never gave up. My mother always said, “Baby, I never was given the choice. I have you and your sister. You need me.” She loved my voices I made and how I made her laugh, and fed my burgeoning geekiness. She encouraged me to be me. She said if I could overcome my shyness, I could do wonders with what she says God has gifted me.
I always thought I was ugly and odd shaped. I would hide and make my voice small, freezing up when I had to speak in class or give a presentation. I sneaked silently through school, only really being myself around my trusted friends. They had always told me, “Your voice is great! You should do radio! Cartoons! Something! You could be the new Movie Trailer Guy! You are funny, seriously. You can do it!” I would say, “No, I’m nowhere near as talented as Don LaFontaine!” They’d say, “Who?” I would roll my eyes, “How do you not know who that is?!” I just didn’t think I was worthy of the success I craved, the goal I desired. I thought that my heart disease, low self esteem, and size wouldn’t allow me to be anything other than invisible.
After the deaths of too many friends and family before their time, including my mother and father, I realized there was no right moment. I had to push myself to believe I had talent and, most importantly, that I was worthy of success. I had to make it happen. I had to make it the right moment. So with that in my heart and the integral help of my brothers Timmy Stewart, Alex Trevino, we formed The GeekVengers. We started small with local conventions here and there locally, did some videos, and had a blast. They gave me the mic and put me out front. “Use your natural humor and charisma! Fuck the fear!” I did just that and at our very first convention we met and interviewed Jennifer “Lil Bit” Adams. I had no idea at the time how that singular event would chart the course of my life going forward. 4 years later, with some heartbreaking subtractions and some wonderful additions like Adam Garcia, Courtney Goodrum, The Blurred Nerds Podcast, and GVTV, we are going strong and growing stronger.
This is my calling. This is my focus. This is my destiny.
On this episode, Lil Bit and I discuss unending Force Awakens trailers, best Christmas gifts evah, holiday memories, wishlists, and I beg just about the entire known universe for an Xbox One. So click the picture and sit down for an hour of fun and geek frivolity! We’ll be back soon with all new musings and rants to sate your geek appetite.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, VENGERS!!!