To Aquaman


I found this handwritten letter while cleaning my apartment. I had forgotten I wrote this. This was on the day one of my friends, Jonathan Vela, passed away. These were my thoughts at the time. Please be respectful in your comments.

To Jonathan,

I wish I knew you better. I should have known you better. We were classmates. We attended so many of the same geek events. I had every opportunity to get to be a true friend to you. You were a greater man and human being than any I’ve ever known, save for my mother. Your selfless attitude and passion for helping others knew no limits. You had a level of bravery unmatched by even the most legendary warriors. You would dress up as Aquaman and people would ridicule you and make fun, but you always shook it off with a smile and a disarming charm. I grew to admire your unwavering dedication to and love for your community. Humanity, really. The example you set for us all can never be eclipsed. The world was far too undeserving a place for the likes of you.

To know that you are gone makes me very sad and incredibly angry; angry at a universe that would allow such a terrible end befall such a beautiful, soulful human. Why you? Why in the prime of your life? What could you have possibly done in your short life to be saddled with such a tragic and unfair ending to your story? Why are others, evil others, rewarded for their cold actions against mankind? Why do they live and you do not? The only thing I can think is that there is no intelligent design and we are on this blue orb, hurtling through the black void, alone and rudderless. Maybe the universe is completely fair in its complete unfairness.

All I do know is that the world, San Antonio, cosplay, geekdom, and most of all the Velas, have lost a man of immesurable beauty and good. We all look for heroes in the world. I can say with certainty that we lost one today. We lost a legend. Rest in peace and take solace in a job well done, Aquaman.

You will always be my friend, Jonathan.

Aquaman

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The Blurred Nerds: Episode II


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We discuss some Adele, Mockingjay Part 2, Jessica Jones, the etiquette of talking at the movies, what we’re thankful for, Black Friday shenanigans, some dog wrangling, and the joy of being a geek!

Plenty of Fish Will Make You Hate People


Have you ever tried online dating? It’s really hit or miss. Those eHarmony, Match.com, and other commercials are just blowing smoke up your sad, lonely ass. Why? Because people are terrible. We all think we’re the hero who is just waiting for our fated love and all we need to do is put up a kick-ass profile and wait. In reality, we are all the villain driving interested people away and then crying about why we never find anyone good while we cry into our peach vanilla ice-cream as we plot the downfall of mankind. What? I like peach-vanilla ice cream. Don’t judge me.

 

Now, I have tried a few different websites and have had decidedly sub par luck in finding a nice woman. Online dating will make you hate people if you let it. I did have the best luck with eHarmony. They did do a good job of matching people for the most part, but no one has yet to master that intangible element of relationships that is the most important- being in each other’s company. You can look like motherfucking Olivia Munn, be intelligent and funny like Tina Fey, know every nerd fact like Felicia Day, but if you come off as crazy like Amanda Bynes on coke when I meet you then we can’t be doing thangs.

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This is the kind of shit you’ll come across often on POF. Hot messes abound!

 

 

I liked eHarmony, but that shit is expensive. I felt like I was paying someone to smile at me while they were punching me in my groin. Every rejection was a gouge in my soul!!!! Not really, but it will make you question yourself and to drink heavily. So I canceled my account there because I’m 1.) POOR AS SHIT and 2.) POOR AS FUCK. I didn’t want to quit trying though because I like boobies and I can at least learn to tolerate the ladies they are attached to. So I aimed a little (okay, a lot) lower and went with Plenty of Fish. We all know POF. It’s like the ghetto of dating sites. It is free so you get the clientele that free usually attracts. The quality tends to suffer. That’s not to say that there aren’t amazing people on there and that you won’t meet someone fantastic, but you will have to wade neck deep through some stank wrong people to get at the awesome ones.

There's a lot of wading...

There’s a lot of wading…

 

I resorted to online dating because I was on the verge of becoming a hermit. It’s like shopping. The effort of field work and ‘boots on the ground’ in the trenches is taken out of the equation. So you sit there, in your underpants eating Frosted Flakes, rifling through boob shots with taglines such as “I’m more that just a pair of boobs!”, “Men are Bullshit!!!!”, and “Are there any honest, good men out there?!!!” The irony, it hurts. Ladies, if you put up pics of your cleavage, you will attract men, however, you will attract ALL THE MEN. Even the ones you don’t want. Breasts are a weapon of mass destruction. They are like thermonuclear bombs. Your target will be hit, but you will also annihilate the surrounding area.  There are creepers who will comment about your tits if you put them on display. You will always suffer creepers, but you will suffer less if you maybe ease up on the pics of your breasts exposed almost to the nipples. If you’re trying to land a man worthy to date, you should maybe downplay your melons. You aim low, you’ll hit low. You know what I mean? Make us boys work for them titties!!!! Sorry, I like saying titties. Fun word. Wow, 10 references to breasts (11!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!) in this paragraph. That has to be a personal best for me.

As a man, when you see this, you cannot help but have thoughts not fit to udder in public. See what I did there?

As a man, when you see this, you cannot help but have thoughts not fit to udder in public. See what I did there?

 

I think I’m not a bad catch. I have manners!!! I behave!!!! I’m a good dude!!!! I keep my weird behavior on the quiet until you’re in love with me, then it’s too late!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Am I perfect? Noooo, but my good outweighs my bad I’d like to think. Unfortunately, women on dating sites are likely bombarded with so many creepy, tracksuit-wearing, tribal tattooed, Dwayne Johnson wannabes that their defenses are up so high that they miss when an actual good man shows them respect, intelligence, and most important…interest. Women and men on these sites are entirely too picky and restrictive in their criteria. That includes me. You have the right to be, but be aware of your restrictive finickiness (is that a word?) before you say “There aren’t any good men/women!!!!” while you delete all those messages unread because the person sending it doesn’t fit your narrow guidelines. You ever see a hot guy/girl with someone who you think is not? How do you think that happened? Lots of charm, conversation, and at least one of them taking a chance. At least read the messages and be polite, because you never know.

Why would my momma lie to me?

Why would my momma lie to me?

 

And guys, for the love of Cupid, don’t act like an asshole. Messages like “Hey baby.”, “Damn gurl, you lookin’ foooin’!!”, “Can I get at you? Holla atcha boi!”, and the always popular “Look at dem titties!!” aren’t really helping. Well, at least don’t use that shit for your introductory message unless you are on Fuckdate.com. No workout pics or dirty mirror pics either!!! Keep your god-damned shirt on! Show yourself doing something. Be out and about!! Show pics of your pets if you have them. Chicks love that shit. Makes their vaginas hum. Show your kids. They like seeing that you are a loving, responsible dad. Many women are into that. Show some class!!! There will be plenty of time later for you to let yo freak out. Trust me. 

This kind of encompasses all the douchebag at once.

This kind of encompasses all the douchebag at once. You can just hear him calling you ‘Babygurrrrl’ can’t you?

 

My point is this:

Plenty of Fish sucks. I probably should stop using it.

 

 

Words, Feely Words.


Hello and salutations to you, my geek brethren and normals! How are you? Good! Anyway, sorry I don’t blog enough. I mean to, but I’m such a procrastinator.

I was out tonight having dinner with a close friend of 20+ years and the subject of relationships came up. We went on about how tangled and deep we get when we find someone we feel is worthy of giving our love to. He, like me, is a Cancer. We live for being able to care for and watch over others. We are unrepentant romantics at our core. We are honest men and very forthright. Sadly, that has not been a great attribute as of late. So much so that both of us are semi-retired from seeking love and a relationship. I’m not going to speak for him, but my reasons are simple.

I think I’m kinda terrible at it.

I am a deeply honest person. I’ve never been a good liar and I never will be. I take pride in that. I used to think that it would be a benefit to me in a good relationship. I hear it’s what women all ask for. Honesty? I has that! Humor? I has that, too!!! Handsome, big, black, and charming? Check, check, check, and check!!!! Total package, right? Hmmm, so far, no. You see, I am honest probably to my own detriment. I want to be straightforward with anyone I get involved with and the women I have met lately don’t cotton to that so much. That’s the part I am terrible at. I fall in love with being in love and perhaps it puts me into overdrive and that’s what freaks women out. Now I purposely move really slow and take my time, and it is really difficult. I must fight the screaming crazy person inside my heart at every turn. 🙂

Now here’s the part I can’t control…

A little history for you- I have non-ischemic cardiomyopathy. Huh? Layman’s terms? My heart is defective and I take all manner of medication to regulate it and make so I don’t die. I like not dying. It’s my life goal. So, when I do get involved with a woman and I like her, I am sure that she knows the score. Not on the first date or anything, but usually when I am comfortable sharing such info. They almost always run away like King Arthur’s men in Monty Python’s Holy Grail. I’m not asking them to take care of me or watch out for me or any of that shit. I can do it on my own and have been for many years before you and I’ll do it for many years after you, thank you. I share out of total honesty. Perhaps I’m just meeting the wrong women.

For this situation I really don’t think there is a right one, though. The fear of getting involved with someone, falling in love, and having them die on you is strong. I understand, but just so you know, I have no plans of dying anytime soon. Could I? Sure, but we all could. Enjoy your life as it is now and worry less about what will possibly be.I suppose it also has to just do with hard-wired human instincts. People want to be with others who exude healthy qualities. No matter how much I work out or try to take care of myself, I am a damaged specimen and I will always bear the scars of that. Can’t worry or obsess about what you can’t control. so I’m semi-retired from all of that. It’s made my life easier. Do I get lonely? Sure. Do I still love naked women? Duh, yeah!!!!!! Do I long for companionship? Of course I do, I’m human. I want the togetherness and closeness of loving love like many do. I remember watching my mom live alone after my dad left. I wish I had spoken with her more about her true feelings. I’m sure her wisdom and her strength would have been immensely helpful now. I had no idea that I would be in a similar situation years later.  

It has taken me a few years to really be in the right frame of mind for something like this. I could not have been this kind of man in my twenties. I could not have been this kind of man even 4 years ago. Wisdom is a hell of a thing. Don’t feel sorry for me. That’s not what the goal of this blog entry is. I guess it’s just personal therapy. I’m not saying that I am closed to meeting someone special. I am open to it. I always will be, but the difference now is that hooking up or meeting a woman isn’t my first goal when I go out somewhere. Honestly, it never should have been. That’s not to say Chocolate Machismo isn’t going to be panty-dropping charming, though. That’s just innate skill, my friends. You can’t turn that off. 😉

The operative word in that paragraph was ‘special’. I want to meet someone I can truly know and who can see who I am underneath all the on-camera bravado and the gregarious ebullience. Until then, I’m focused on my work with The Geekvengers, being the best geek I can, being the best friend I can, improving the world in my own little way, improving myself physically and mentally, and being educated by the world.

Holey Grail Phallacy


Huh?

 

You are probably wondering about that title. What the deuce is Chocolate Machismo talking about now? I’m talking about….

Cute? Check. Adorkable? Check. Quirky? Check. Hot tits and a vagina that is powered by a flux capacitor? I can only hope.

 

Zooey Deschanel. Ok, not her specifically. She didn’t do anything other than be hot and infinitely boneable. What I mean by a holey grail phallacy is that she has become a poster girl for guys chasing the geek dream….a geek woman. You know the type. Hot, cute, funny, likes the same nerd shit you do, and most importantly, she wants to get without clothes with you and makey the nerd beast with you while wearing your Hulk hands. Every nerd man who loves women hopes to find a girl like this. They exist, but you’re already too late.

 

Like you haven’t thought about this, you nerd.

Sure, there are really hot nerd women out there that look like Olivia Munn and Zooey Deschanel, but they end up with guys like you and I never. Why not?! What’s missing?!

Dolla dolla bills, y’all!

Oh, right, money.

 

Now this isn’t doom and gloom here. You geek men can find wonderful nerd women who will blow your Iron Man socks off. We just need to pay attention to the ladies that pay attention to us. Stop looking for your own nerd holey grail. Stop looking for your own Tricia Helfer who HAS TO BE EXACTLY WHAT YOU ALWAYS DREAMED YOU WANTED, and open up to the potential of all the really horny and lonely nerd women who you most likely dismiss regularly. Does this mean you should settle? Noooo. Just stop looking for the fantasy version of what you want. You might even find a…GASP….regular chick. WHAAAAAAAT?!

 

This isn’t Fringe. Olivia Dunham doesn’t exist. So get off that wall, let your balls descend, and get out there and talk to a real woman you might not normally talk to.

 

Do it…….

Cause you don’t look like this. If you do, then god bless you cause you aren’t reading this stupid blog, and you’re probably out having lots of sex.

 

But I’m betting you don’t so get to it! Why the title Holey Grail Phallacy? Come on guys, you have penises. Figure it out. And if any ladies are reading this, I hope to God you don’t have a penis. It’s such a curse!!!!!! All that peeing standing up is terrible!

 

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I’m lying. Having a penis is the fucking business! I can’t even pretend that it isn’t awesome.

All Your Base Are Belong to Love


The series of guest bloggers continues with one of my new geek friends, Kimberly Hall, and her take on what geek love means and why it can differ from muggle love. Shit, that sounds like the name of a band. “Coming to the stage…please welcome… MUGGLE LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!!” So please take some time to read this quickie. As always, come check us out at The Geekvengers or Geekvengers.com. We have a group on Facebook and yes, you may join if you feel that you are nerdy enough. Now, from what I have seen of Kimberly and her relationship with her other nerd half, it’s all very disgustingly sweet, loving nerd love. It could give you diabeetus.

And…away….we……GO….

 

I googled geek love and this came up. God, if I could get a woman to do this, I would shit bricks of rainbows and puppies. Now, if I could just get a woman…..

 

 

Geek love? When two nerds stumble upon each other and fall into the nerdy goodness that is love. What’s more nerdy than being in love? Nothing! At its core, being a nerd is being unafraid of showing extraordinary enthusiasm and adoration. It’s about being vulnerable and silly and without limits. Sounds like love to me.

Someone set us up the bomb! Bomb being sweet, sweet, nerdy luuuurrrrrrrv.

 
Geek love isn’t about finding another nerd who geeks out about the same stuff you do. It’s about finding someone who revels in all that is nerdy, geeky, and goofy with you. For example, I don’t read a lot of the superhero style comics (i.e. your Spider-Man, your Green Lantern, etc…). It’s just not my thing. However, when my own nerd of choice gets a new Thor costume in the mail, what other response could I have than OMFG PUT IT ON RIGHT NOW LET’S TAKE PICTURES!!! YOU EVEN HAVE ENOUGH BEARD TO PULL OFF THOR! YOU’RE TOTALLY A NORSE GOD! Because that’s what nerds do. They delight in the extraordinary. They have no problem with suspending reality and enjoying play.

I shall show her my Mjolnir later and we will rejoice!!! VERILY!!! FORSOOTH!!!!

The best part of geek love is the comfort you have in each other and the joy that comes from the union of two playful people. You don’t think twice about running up to the cardboard cut out at the movie theater and excitedly handing your phone to your partner to get your picture with Theodore the Chipmunk, because he reminds you to make sure you get the Theodore beanie baby you have in your purse in the shot. You don’t hesitate suggesting a Mega Man rock opera concert date because your geek darling would never turn down a costumed spectacle show NOR a rock opera, even if she knows nothing about Mega Man.

Yes, there are indeed enough drugs for this to happen.

It’s the mutual agreement of “Yes! Let’s do it!” that comes in so many forms. OF COURSE the cat needs a Batman costume. How could we NOT join hundreds of other people dressed as zombies and swarm the Alamo?!?! We MUST google this movie/director/actor trivia RIGHT EFFING NOW. Not that geek love is perfect or without the same issues other kinds of couples face. It’s not. I just happen to be biased and think that nerds, who care more about a lot of things deeply to the point of the mystification of non-nerds, have a really great capacity for love.

BECAUSE. WE. FUCKING. CAN. THAT’S WHY.

 

 

Thank you, Kimberly! That was very poignant and heartfelt. The part about dressing up the cat is a little odd, but we all do crazy things for love! Geek love, especially.

IT’S A TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! A LOOOOOOOVE TRAP.

 

And who doesn’t wanna be in the kind of love that let’s you dress as motherfucking Admiral Ackbar on your wedding day?!!!!!