Mystery Dick Theater: Cock’s Last Day


This blog is about dicks; not figurative dicks, but literal dicks.

“Uh, ok.” I can hear you say it now, but bear with me. I had posted an article on my Facebook profile a few days ago about NBA player and doofus Draymond Green “accidentally” posting a picture to his entire Snapchat TL of his penis. My dear friend Elizabeth Anne Hamilton and I entertained ourselves immensely and gloriously lewdly posting comments about it as if his penis was getting a performance review from the boss.  Here now, is how, if his dick was being reviewed like they do in the workplace, I think it would go….

Big Dick (President and founder of Big Dick Pics): “Cock! Cock Johnson! Cum in here!”

In strolls Cock to Dick’s office, erect, excited to receive a stroking. “What’s up, Big Dick?! You yelled for me?”

Big Dick: “So we need to talk about your performance….”

Cock: “Damn straight! You like that Dick Pic I dropped on that girl’s Snapchat?! I was all oiled up and shiny, like a boss!” Cock was pleased with himself as he gently throbbed.

BD: “Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that CJ. That pic went to EVERYONE’S TL, you penis! Which would be salvageable, but, well….you were looking listless and droopy. The Lighting was poor!  I really think you could do better. Have you considered further training?”

CK: “I don’t understand BD. I flog everyday!!! Never skip a day!!!  I’m like a rock!”

BD: “Well, by the looks of this pic, more like a soft pebble. Maybe you’re jacking too hard? Maybe you need some help? Viagra? Your medical plan covers it. You should look into it. You know how us older penises get. I take it, there’s no shame there.”

CK: “Fuck that, BD! I don’t use performance enhancers!!! That’s for those bullshit movie penises! I’m a real phallus! I go all natural.”

BD: “Can you maybe get more erect?”

CK: “Dammit boss, I am ballin’ so hard! I’m one of your best members! I mean, I know I’m not as big as Mandingo Jones, but I got moves! I work what I got.”

BD: “Mandingo is our star right now, Cock. He’s like a battering ram. He’s curiously frightening, which is good. You’ve fallen off. We hired you because of your plucky spirit and you were always ready to go at a moment’s notice. The hint of cleavage, a wisp of panty line, a breeze…and you sprung into action.  Now….you’re soft.  I’m afraid I’m going to have to write you up for a poor attitude. Please bear in mind you have been warned. The next time we catch you sleeping on the job, you’re sacked.”

Cock Johnson begins to throb faster now. Part anger and part sadness, he bursts into tears. “I’m…I’m not 17 anymore…I….I’ve been having trouble at home…and…..” The throbbing is now reaching a crescendo.

BD: Oh, no, stop crying……. OH GOD, THOSE AREN’T TEARS!!! WHAT IS THAT COMING OUT OF YOUR EYE? DAMMIT, COCK, YOU’RE FIRED!!! We can’t have that kind of a mess here! After that outburst, I’m afraid you’ll need to pack up your desk and leave the premises. We can’t have that kind of a mess here.

CK, between spurts: “Is there severance pay?”

BD: “WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT!!!!!” Big Dick hardens himself, “I’m afraid I can’t answer questions about unemployment insurance. You’ll need to contact HR about that. Also, I’m afraid our company will not be giving you a reference. Now, pack your things and security will help you pull out.”

Cock is now deflated. He feels half the size he was when he walked in the office. “I can’t believe I’ve been dicked. What will I do now?” Cock mutters to himself as he hangs a left down the exit hallway….

There you are. That’s where my brain went with that. Go find the original thread on my page. Until next time!

PILLOW, TIMMY!

Alamo City Comic Con 2015: Generalissimo Pwns It!!!


We’ve had such an amazing run since September when we attended this event. We apologize for the delay, but we’re only human! So now that you’ve whet your appetite with The Blurred Nerds podcast‘s newest episode, you can give your ears AND eyeballs some sweet geek loving and watch this panel! He’s The Man.

Excelsior!

Episode 3: The Holidays Awaken


 

 

On this episode, Lil Bit and I discuss unending Force Awakens trailers, best Christmas gifts evah, holiday memories, wishlists, and I beg just about the entire known universe for an Xbox One. So click the picture and sit down for an hour of fun and geek frivolity! We’ll be back soon with all new musings and rants to sate your geek appetite.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, VENGERS!!!

The Prose of Cons


Hiya everybody? How are you all? The Geekfather is here to glaze you with some more verbal love juice. I’m gonna give you guys my take on the Geekvengers recent comic convention experiences. I would have written this blog sooner, but I’ve not had a free weekend since the first weekend in October and Chocolate Machismo is very tired.

What is it like to attend a comic con? Well, it’s fucking fun as shit!!!! It’s like getting to eat the best burrito you’ve ever had in your life while Eliza Dushku/Alan Tudyk (choose your preference people) makes sweet love to you all the while Patrick Stewart is cheering, “Make it so, Number 1!!!” followed by you letting out the hugest fart and Bruce Campbell and Stan Lee both sniffing it while bowing to you.

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It’s just like this…except you’re 37 and the one dressed as Superman.

 
Okay, maybe not like that, but it is super awesome. We attended Dallas Fan Days on October 20th and Austin Comic Con on October 28th. Each convention is different and have their own pluses and minuses. After only our 3rd Con as a group, I have some observations and tips for those of you who may not have ever been and are on the fence. I want to help you be prepared so if you decide to go, you won’t run into a major snafu and be geek fubar’d. Like stuck in downtown Indianapolis at midnight with no money when it’s 33 degrees and you don’t have a cellphone or remember what hotel you and the lesbians you road-tripped with are staying at fubar’d. True story.

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The lesbian road trip was soooooooooooooo not like this.

On to my observations!!

 

 

1. Buy your tickets in advance. I don’t just mean tickets to get into the event, but ALL YOUR TICKETS. Autographs, photo ops, and VIP meet and greet packages for many of the Cons can be purchased early. I recommend it highly if you can afford it. If you want to nerd spooge all over your favorite nerd/geek/dweeb crush/love/obsession then this is the way to go. If it is offered, do it. Why? Because it guarantees you get to stand in one less God forsaken line, that’s why! As nerds we are all used to standing in line and waiting to get in another line to wait some more. I think the Nerd Gods do it on purpose, those cunts. The headaches and time you waste will be greatly decreased, which means more time for you to think of what unintelligible babble you’re going to vomit all over Felicia Day when she looks at you with those big, purty eyes of hers.

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I either said, “Hubgagbaabbbagooo!” or “Hi!” I don’t remember which.

 

 

2. Treat the celebrities like human beings. Just because you’ve watched them on television or in movies since you learned to rub and tug or diddle the fiddle doesn’t immediately make them your bestest buddy in the universe. Also don’t assume they remember every episode ever of every show they’ve ever been in. For them, it was a job that had the great fortune of turning into a once in a lifetime opportunity that catapulted them to geek icon status. Many of them have fave episodes or stuff they’ve done, but they aren’t nitpicking this stuff like we are. Do you remember every day of work you’ve ever had, even the exceptional ones? Most likely, no. Neither do they. Praise them on their work and say you’re a huge fan, but don’t go on and on about how you have an action figure of them. Just because Michael Biehn was impressed when I told him that doesn’t make it a good idea. Ask them how they like whatever city you are in. Small talk them a bit. Keep it cool. Don’t get too personal. Don’t be an asshole. I’ve found I’ve had some of the most engaging conversations and experiences with celebrities when I just ignore the fact that they are famous and just see the person behind the character. That’s how you end up fist-bumping with LeVar Burton and asking him why they didn’t give that bruh no space vagina on Star Trek: TNG.

 
His answer? “Ask the white writers.” DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN! I didn’t know Mr. Reading Rainbow was so gangsta angry!

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He was Kunta Kinte angry!!!!

Seriously, though, just swallow some bravery and talk to them. You will quickly discover the great celebs and the complete douchecannons, just like in real life. So always keep your expectations in check.

 

 

3. Be prepared for the unexpected. Things happen. Celebrities schedules change and they can’t make the event you had planned to go to, and often it is at the last second. Don’t let it get you down. Save that Princess Leia action figure for the next time you get a chance to cry over Carrie Fisher. Let go of your boiling anger at having missed Eliza Dushku. Relax your nerd loins. Just go with the flow. Like with us, we were disappointed with the lack of celebrity interviews we got, but Cons have rules and you have to respect those rules, even if you disagree with them. I remember going to Star Wars Celebration III in Indianapolis in April I believe. Well, there was a cold snap and it fucking snowed the 2nd day we were there. Folks waiting outside in costume for the Flannel One himself, George Lucas, got soaked and were freezing. You just never know. Always roll with the punches.

 

 

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“Dammit, we lost Marselles…AGAIN.”

4. Stick to your plan. You plan to go with a group of people? Always be sure you have each other’s cellphone numbers, have your phones charged, bring a charger with you, and just in case, have a set location and time for your group to meet at the convention. Also, always have cash on you. These events aren’t debit or credit card friendly. These events get massive and you will lose people in the crowds. IT WILL HAPPEN. We’re nerds. We are attracted to shiny baubles and nerd-knacks. One minute you’re walking along with your buddies and then you see a hot geek woman whose whole breastesses except the nipples are just all out like clothes don’t exist in this universe, the next thing you know, you’re Alice and you’ve gone down the rabbit hole. Take the red pill and just enjoy it. Seriously, though, if you do bring kids along, take pictures of them and designate a safe location they should head to if they get lost if they don’t have their own cellphone.

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5. Bring an assistant. This is for you costuming people. While dressing up as a stormtrooper or as Batman is seriously cool, they aren’t traditionally known for their ample pocket storage space or their ability to sit down. That’s why you need an assistant. Someone to carry your wallet or purse, someone to hold your helmet when you need to actually breathe so you don’t..you know…die, and someone to take pictures for all the jabronies who want to take a bajillionty pictures with you. For the ladies who feel the desire to dress in the most skintight, revealing, provocative, suggestive, and absolutely filthy costumes…please keep doing that. Chocolate Machismo approves and endorses this behavior. Also, bring a trusted male friend or female friend to help keep the geek creepers away and even sometimes the celebrities. I’m not naming names. Let’s say it rhymes with Moo Furrigknow. Ahem.

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“Seriously, bro, YOU tell him to stop hitting on your girlfriend. You want I have 911 on standby?”

 

 

6. Be patient. The lines will be long. Stars go on breaks. Q&A lines turn into pits of despair from which no one can escape. This is where patience comes in. It is one of two things that will keep your sanity and prevent you from stabbing that guy in line after the 100th time he’s told you he “fist-bumped with LeVar Burton.” “What’s the other thing, Marselles?” Water. Seriously, I get so fucking thirsty at these things it’s not funny. It’s like they suck the juice right from your lips with their sorcerer’s ways and put all the water fountains and soda stands at the farthest point from where you are currently dying of thirst, no matter where that may be.

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“FUCK…Steve has my wallet.”

And finally…..

7. Don’t squander your opportunities. If you have a shot at meeting one of your idols or someone you have nerdmired forever and two days, then by all means, get their autograph. Get their photo. Say hello. Get a photo with them. That may cost you money, but when your friends come over to your place and you see the geek jealousy spilling from their eyes as they stare upon your picture of you and Stan Lee kicking it like you’re best buds, it will have paid for itself. The one thing that won’t cost you money? Just walking up to them, shaking their hand, and telling them how much what they do means to you. They love to hear that. Really. Artists, actors, writers…they all love to get validation that what they are doing matters and makes a difference in someone’s life. That’s part of the reason they do what they do, besides loving it. That’s also why 90 percent of them go…for that fan connection. Don’t ever leave a convention with any regret.

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Only an empty wallet and a content geek heart.

Holy Tumbler, Batman!


 

I had the pleasure this evening of June 27th, 2012, to see in person one of my most favorite things in this entire world. That’s right, the Tumbler. It is being toured around the country along with the Batpod to drum up anticipation for the July 20th release of  The Dark Knight Rises. Also known as the Batmobile, this vehicle is my single most favorite ever. It even tops KITT and the General Lee, and that is seriously a big thing. Listen to the geek and car guy come out of me! 🙂