Mystery Dick Theater: Cock’s Last Day


This blog is about dicks; not figurative dicks, but literal dicks.

“Uh, ok.” I can hear you say it now, but bear with me. I had posted an article on my Facebook profile a few days ago about NBA player and doofus Draymond Green “accidentally” posting a picture to his entire Snapchat TL of his penis. My dear friend Elizabeth Anne Hamilton and I entertained ourselves immensely and gloriously lewdly posting comments about it as if his penis was getting a performance review from the boss.  Here now, is how, if his dick was being reviewed like they do in the workplace, I think it would go….

Big Dick (President and founder of Big Dick Pics): “Cock! Cock Johnson! Cum in here!”

In strolls Cock to Dick’s office, erect, excited to receive a stroking. “What’s up, Big Dick?! You yelled for me?”

Big Dick: “So we need to talk about your performance….”

Cock: “Damn straight! You like that Dick Pic I dropped on that girl’s Snapchat?! I was all oiled up and shiny, like a boss!” Cock was pleased with himself as he gently throbbed.

BD: “Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that CJ. That pic went to EVERYONE’S TL, you penis! Which would be salvageable, but, well….you were looking listless and droopy. The Lighting was poor!  I really think you could do better. Have you considered further training?”

CK: “I don’t understand BD. I flog everyday!!! Never skip a day!!!  I’m like a rock!”

BD: “Well, by the looks of this pic, more like a soft pebble. Maybe you’re jacking too hard? Maybe you need some help? Viagra? Your medical plan covers it. You should look into it. You know how us older penises get. I take it, there’s no shame there.”

CK: “Fuck that, BD! I don’t use performance enhancers!!! That’s for those bullshit movie penises! I’m a real phallus! I go all natural.”

BD: “Can you maybe get more erect?”

CK: “Dammit boss, I am ballin’ so hard! I’m one of your best members! I mean, I know I’m not as big as Mandingo Jones, but I got moves! I work what I got.”

BD: “Mandingo is our star right now, Cock. He’s like a battering ram. He’s curiously frightening, which is good. You’ve fallen off. We hired you because of your plucky spirit and you were always ready to go at a moment’s notice. The hint of cleavage, a wisp of panty line, a breeze…and you sprung into action.  Now….you’re soft.  I’m afraid I’m going to have to write you up for a poor attitude. Please bear in mind you have been warned. The next time we catch you sleeping on the job, you’re sacked.”

Cock Johnson begins to throb faster now. Part anger and part sadness, he bursts into tears. “I’m…I’m not 17 anymore…I….I’ve been having trouble at home…and…..” The throbbing is now reaching a crescendo.

BD: Oh, no, stop crying……. OH GOD, THOSE AREN’T TEARS!!! WHAT IS THAT COMING OUT OF YOUR EYE? DAMMIT, COCK, YOU’RE FIRED!!! We can’t have that kind of a mess here! After that outburst, I’m afraid you’ll need to pack up your desk and leave the premises. We can’t have that kind of a mess here.

CK, between spurts: “Is there severance pay?”

BD: “WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT!!!!!” Big Dick hardens himself, “I’m afraid I can’t answer questions about unemployment insurance. You’ll need to contact HR about that. Also, I’m afraid our company will not be giving you a reference. Now, pack your things and security will help you pull out.”

Cock is now deflated. He feels half the size he was when he walked in the office. “I can’t believe I’ve been dicked. What will I do now?” Cock mutters to himself as he hangs a left down the exit hallway….

There you are. That’s where my brain went with that. Go find the original thread on my page. Until next time!

PILLOW, TIMMY!

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Blurred Nerds Podcast Episode 27: Stuck in the 80’s


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On this episode of the Blurred Nerds, we discuss our love of good and mostly bad 80’s movies like Angel. A 15 year old honor student/avenging prostitute?! Hey, it was a different, more coked-out time. The movie starred Betsy Russell who wasn’t really 15. Damn, she had some great 80’s boobs. The natural, hang just right, not augmented kind that every starlet had back then? Mmmmmm….ahem, yes, well…..click the picture and be transported to an audio wonderland.

We also discuss other stuff n thangs.

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WE ARE AVAILABLE ON ITUNES, GOOGLE PLAY, LIBSYN, AND YOU CAN EVEN LISTEN THROUGH OUR FACEBOOK PAGE! SERIOUSLY, WE’LL GIVE YOU SNACKS?

 

The Geekfather has some “stuff” to do.

To Aquaman


I found this handwritten letter while cleaning my apartment. I had forgotten I wrote this. This was on the day one of my friends, Jonathan Vela, passed away. These were my thoughts at the time. Please be respectful in your comments.

To Jonathan,

I wish I knew you better. I should have known you better. We were classmates. We attended so many of the same geek events. I had every opportunity to get to be a true friend to you. You were a greater man and human being than any I’ve ever known, save for my mother. Your selfless attitude and passion for helping others knew no limits. You had a level of bravery unmatched by even the most legendary warriors. You would dress up as Aquaman and people would ridicule you and make fun, but you always shook it off with a smile and a disarming charm. I grew to admire your unwavering dedication to and love for your community. Humanity, really. The example you set for us all can never be eclipsed. The world was far too undeserving a place for the likes of you.

To know that you are gone makes me very sad and incredibly angry; angry at a universe that would allow such a terrible end befall such a beautiful, soulful human. Why you? Why in the prime of your life? What could you have possibly done in your short life to be saddled with such a tragic and unfair ending to your story? Why are others, evil others, rewarded for their cold actions against mankind? Why do they live and you do not? The only thing I can think is that there is no intelligent design and we are on this blue orb, hurtling through the black void, alone and rudderless. Maybe the universe is completely fair in its complete unfairness.

All I do know is that the world, San Antonio, cosplay, geekdom, and most of all the Velas, have lost a man of immesurable beauty and good. We all look for heroes in the world. I can say with certainty that we lost one today. We lost a legend. Rest in peace and take solace in a job well done, Aquaman.

You will always be my friend, Jonathan.

Aquaman

It’s Not Your Body to Shame.


Today I want to talk a little bit about a subject that many of my close friends and I have strong feelings about: body shaming.

Many of my close friends are cosplayers. Cosplaying is the act of dressing up as one of your favorite characters from a comic, game, movie, tv show, or anime/cartoon. I’ve done it a couple of times myself (stories for another time). I admire the craftsmanship, ingenuity, time, and effort that goes into making an outfit not to mention the bravery it takes to wear one. That bravery part brings me to the body shaming point. We all have insecurities about our bodies and have things we would like to change or wish were different about ourselves physically. Knowing that about myself and other people I always try my hardest to respect anyone and everyone who cosplays, regardless of their size, shape, sexual orientation, or ethnicity. None of that should even matter, ever. We are all just trying to have fun. The world at large is shitty and terrible enough that we don’t need to bring negative shit and heap it onto something that should be fun, whimsical, and light-hearted.

Unfortunately, not everyone is tolerant and understanding. Too many in the geek community and the populace in general will look at someone having fun in costume and take that opportunity to ridicule or make fun of them. What’s the point of that? You can’t make yourself feel good some other way? Do you feel threatened? You see something you don’t understand so you have to be afraid of it and throw shade upon the person? Or maybe you are ashamed knowing that you don’t have the fucking balls to cosplay yourself due to your own insecurities? How dare they dress up and have fun! That makes me mad because I’m too chicken myself and too afraid of what people will think of me! Oooooh, let me take it out on them.

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I hate intolerance of any kind. We are a geek community and we have to support and accept one another. We are all different, we all have different likes and dislikes, but we are all still in this together. I had a friend of mine, Jonathan Vela, Aquaman of San Antonio, who would dress up as Aquaman all the time. That was his favorite character. He was the sweetest, nicest, most heartwarming fellow ever. He would help anyone he could personally and through many charities by making appearances in costume at children’s hospitals and birthday parties. The kids always thought it was amazing and a blast. His message was always that anyone can cosplay any character they wish, no matter what. It’s the love of the character that mattered. He wasn’t a small man, but it didn’t matter. He was having fun and nothing you could say could ever change that.

Sadly, he passed away a few years ago. I bring this up because just the other day, I saw a post on Facebook by a friend detailing a post he saw on Instagram. It was a body shaming meme that featured Jonathan. Did this guy know Jonathan? I don’t know, but that doesn’t matter. It was in poor taste. The man is dead and unable to defend himself. He was a huge personality in South Texas and even beyond. I am proud to know that many came to his defense and voiced their anger at that post and reported it to be taken down. I hope those efforts were successful.

 

Rules Are For Chumps, Sci-Fi/Action Edition


I watch a ton of movies, television, and other visual media. With that I have noticed a particular set of rules that the universes they portray follow that don’t conform to the real world. Things get Hollywooded. Each genre such as science fiction, superheroes, drama, action, horror, mystery, and political, etc. all follow sometimes absurd rules and tropes. Many of these rules are hilarious.

Hilarity?! Yes!

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I’m lazy and I like lists, so this will be one of those. Hey, I wrote this on a Sunday while in my underwear. Did you really expect hard-hitting journalism? I want this to be an ongoing series. Each post will hit on a few absurd rules for each genre. You readers are more than welcome to share some of your own. If they are good, I’ll put them in a future blog and even mention them on The Blurred Nerds Podcast!  This edition we will discuss…..

No-Rules

RULES FOR SCIENCE FICTION/ACTION MOVIES AND TV SHOWS:

1. The aliens are always the bad guys. No possible way humans could be the aggressor asshole species, right? We’re always good people! Until the aliens try to come in peace and we go all “BURN IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!” I, for once, would like to see human beings as the invading force in a science fiction show or movie.

Psylocke12. The planet always gets beaten hilariously to the point of extinction by the enemy. Aliens, robots, monsters, ghosts, Leather Goddesses from Phobos; they’re always beating us (I wouldn’t mind a beating from those Leather Goddesses, actually) until we are about to get died. We have these massive militaries and coordinated defenses and shit, but we still get it in the ass like a fresh prison inmate. That is until…..

 

 

Dutch13. Major Dude Brosevich saves the day. His name is usually something manly like Jett Steele, Harry Stamper, or The Rock. He usually has an insane level of musculature bordering on Masters of the Universe levels. Armed with his muscles, limited intelligence, large caliber weapons, his sidekicks, and maybe some oil drilling equipment, he miraculously can defeat an evil alien horde/asteroid/bug/natural disaster to save the world. Also, he’s usually bearded and has a psychological problem or rage issues. Did I mention sidekicks….?

 

 

4. The buddy sidekick always dies. This usually occurs to further the plot. Agent Coulson in The Avengers, Harry Connick Jr. in Independence Day, Jaden Smith’s acting skills in After Earth; they all died a terrible death to further the plot and lead the hero to vengeance! Except for Jaden Smith, there was no saving that situation. Chances of death rise 100% if the sidekick mentions anything he/she wants to get back to or wants to have. Examples include, but are not limited to: Wife, kids, pets, desire to retire, desire to open up a business, or takes the last piece of chicken.

 

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THOSE….BASTARDS.

 

 

 

Pew Pew5. There is sound in space. We all know sound waves travel through air and atmosphere. No air, no atmosphere? No sound. “How will our sweet lasers make their pew-pew sounds, though?! How will people know stuff is happening without noises?! LOUD NOISES!!!!” Some of the best science fiction properties based in space get it mostly right like The Expanse (great show, watch it) and 2001: A Space Odyssey (I still don’t get that Space Baby), but for the most part they don’t and nobody cares! Ok, maybe real scientists care, but this is the science fiction/action universe soooo…

 

 

 

Carol Marcus16. Nobody listens to the scientists! “The Earth’s core has stopped spinning!”, “The climate has changed, and we are in danger!” “There is going to be an earthquake/volcanic eruption/asteroid impact!” Whatever it is, nobody pays attention until the giant tidal waves destroy Los Angeles…again. That leads me to…

 

 

 

 

Cleveland!7. The major cities always get fucked in the booty hole. Yes, booty-hole is a technical term to me. Stop judging. Washington, D.C., Los Angeles, New York, Tokyo, San Francisco, Buenos Aires, Rio de Janeiro, Hong Kong, and Paris have all been blown to smitherbits multiple times. This leads me to believe that the science fiction universe doesn’t like coastal cities in particular. In all honesty, the Hollywood suits probably can’t name any other cities or it cost too much to render a CGI Cleveland, Ohio getting fucked up. Maybe it wouldn’t cost anything? Have you seen Cleveland?!

 

 

8. Stepdads are cannon-fodder. 2012, The Day After Tomorrow, San Andreas; what do they have in common? Besides making L.A. totally FUBAR, they also give your mom’s special friend and your new daddy the Big Chorizo of Death. Usually after they either save the day heroically, or throw you under the proverbial (and sometimes literal) bus to save their own ass. Point is, stepdads are step-fucked.

The Rock

To be fair, if your dad was The Rock, you’d fully expect him to kill your stepdad with only his triceps.

 

 

 

Tarkin9. The villains, even if they are aliens, have sweet accents. I don’t know if it’s the accent or what, but they deliver THE BEST LINES! With that, their sexy-accented villainy always leads to….

 

 

 

 

 

10. The inevitable monologue detailing the entire evil plan. Whether it is to take over the world, destroy the world, or bang the hero’s sister, the villain always has this pathological need to tell everyone about it first. Humans, robots, aliens, robot aliens, alien robots, whatever; they all want to tell everyone everything. They have an over sharing problem.

Alien

 

Stay tuned for the next installment of The Geekfather’s shenanigans coming soon! You can also hear my ramblings on The Blurred Nerds Podcast!

The Blurred Nerds Podcast, Episode 20


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Lil Bit and The Geekfather, along with special guest Eric Staples, discuss nerd thangs!

Special guest Eric Staples joins us once again on the podcast where we discuss:

– Sims 4 removing gender restrictions

– Shorter future seasons on Game Of Thrones

– Meme Wars

– Walking Dead

– Reboots of Highlander & League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen

– Scary movies as a child vs now

– What makes someone walk out of a movie/stop watching a show

– Upcoming geek events and cons.

Read more at The Blurred Nerds on Facebook

The Declaration of Geekdependence


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People ask me why I am doing this. Why am I chasing down this dream of becoming a professional, paid geek entertainer, podcaster, and voice actor? Where did you get this drive to do what needs to be done to make it happen?

To answer that question, I have to go back to July 6th, 1975, when I was born to Carolyn and Donald Coe. That was a year of the rabbit in the Chinese Zodiac. Why does that matter? Well, the traits of men born in the year of the rabbit are:

“…those who always treat people politely, with a gentle smile that makes people feel that they are credible and sincere. When meeting trouble, Rabbits can handle it in an orderly way; when encountering tough difficulties they are never discouraged, but are persistent to seek solutions. So they eventually achieve enviable success.”

Enviable success?  I like that.

So I’m totally destined for greatness?

Perhaps, but having those traits doesn’t guarantee anything. I still needed the nurturing and the constant push to speak up, to do the right things by people, to make them laugh, to make them happy. I credit my mother with this, the toughest woman I have ever known. She came from South Central Los Angeles and could survive almost anything. She showed my sister and I how to take life’s punches and punch back. I never saw her complain or quit, and she had every right and reason to. I used to ask her why she never gave up. My mother always said, “Baby, I never was given the choice. I have you and your sister. You need me.” She loved my voices I made and how I made her laugh, and fed my burgeoning geekiness. She encouraged me to be me. She said if I could overcome my shyness, I could do wonders with what she says God has gifted me.

I always thought I was ugly and odd shaped. I would hide and make my voice small, freezing up when I had to speak in class or give a presentation. I sneaked silently through school, only really being myself around my trusted friends. They had always told me, “Your voice is great! You should do radio! Cartoons! Something! You could be the new Movie Trailer Guy! You are funny, seriously. You can do it!” I would say, “No, I’m nowhere near as talented as Don LaFontaine!”  They’d say, “Who?” I would roll my eyes, “How do you not know who that is?!”  I just didn’t think I was worthy of the success I craved, the goal I desired. I thought that my heart disease, low self esteem, and size wouldn’t allow me to be anything other than invisible.


After the deaths of too many friends and family before their time, including my mother and father, I realized there was no right moment. I had to push myself to believe I had talent and, most importantly, that I was worthy of success. I had to make it happen. I had to make it the right moment. So with that in my heart and the integral help of my brothers Timmy Stewart, Alex Trevino, we formed The GeekVengers. We started small with local conventions here and there locally, did some videos, and had a blast. They gave me the mic and put me out front. “Use your natural humor and charisma! Fuck the fear!” I did just that and at our very first convention we met and interviewed Jennifer “Lil Bit” Adams.  I had no idea at the time how that singular event would chart the course of my life going forward. 4 years later, with some heartbreaking subtractions and some wonderful additions like Adam Garcia, Courtney Goodrum, The Blurred Nerds Podcast, and GVTV, we are going strong and growing stronger.

This is my calling. This is my focus. This is my destiny.

No quitting.