July 12th, 2017, Motherfucker!!!


There are many dates throughout our lives that we remember for whatever reason, good or bad. The title of this blog is the date on which my life and its course changed irrevocably.  Up until July 12th, my life was difficult but it was what I was accustomed to. You see, I have congenital congestive heart failure, Left ventricular to be more specific. I have had it for 20 years and became accustomed to the limitations it put onto my life, which were some, but not many. Then I developed chronic kidney disease, which comes with the heart failure territory, sooner or later. I thought, “Ok, this is just another issue to adapt to. No biggie.” Medications kept my fluids in check and my kidneys, though compromised, still did the job they were designed by biology to do. I did most of the things other people my age did, but mostly, I drank. 

 

July 12th, 2017 was probably the worst day of my life, other than my parents’ deaths. Many days before, I was preparing to celebrate my 42nd birthday, ‘Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’ style. This was going to be the year of 42!!!! The answer to the question: Life, the Universe, and Everything. It was going to be grand. It started slowly with slight weight gain, which I just brushed off, then it progressed to a feeling of fullness, lethargy, and ultimately, extreme nausea and a loss of appetite. This was on my birthday. I remember not wanting to see my birthday movie, ‘Spiderman: Homecoming’, but you see, I have this character flaw wherein I feel great panic if I think I am disappointing people, especially my friends. So I pulled it together and went to the movie. It was a great movie, of course, but I couldn’t truly enjoy it in my condition. I was stubborn. I thought it was just a stomach bug and it would pass. I let this ordeal continue far longer than it should have. Maybe I truly, deep down realized what was happening, but I did not want to admit it. Admitting it made it true, you see. I didn’t want to admit my fear that I was in kidney failure, again.

 

After a few instances of almost passing out, I drove my stupidly difficult self to the emergency room. It was July 8th, I believe. I don’t specifically remember. They told me I was fluid overloaded. This was something that has happened before so I knew the drill; Intravenous diuretics to help my kidneys eliminate the excess fluids. Only this time, nothing was happening. NOTHING. I wasn’t urinating. I should have been pissing buckets. I was getting really scared. “What if this time was different? What if my kidneys were done?” On July 12th, that question was answered. My nephrologist at the time was a nice man named Larry Davis. Although he was nice, he was a matter of fact type of guy. He came in my room and broke the news to me: I had developed ESRD. End stage renal disease. This was it. I was always afraid of dialysis, but thought, “That’ll never be me.” Well, now it was me. I thought my life was done. Therapy three times a week forever, or I would die. This news was like being hit with a wrecking ball. It altered my life, but I wasn’t aware of that yet.

 

As I lay in my hospital bed, hooked to a large machine cycling my blood out, cleaning it, then cycling it back in, I was hit with all the things I believed I could no longer do. Drink, smoke weed (I really miss that one), urinate. You’d be surprised how much you miss peeing until you can no longer do it, cause sometimes you just need a really good piss, amirite?! I was under the impression that even though I had advanced heart failure and a newly minted diagnosis of ESRD, I could still work full time. My body made it abundantly clear that that was complete crazy talk. Who listens to crazy talk?! No one, that’s who! So I dragged my body through each day, struggling more and more. The work days after dialysis treatments were especially challenging. Challenging like climbing Mount Everest without supplemental oxygen. That means it was super hard and sucked super bad, just saying. I had filed for social security disability and Medicare coverage. I was counting the days until I was approved, then I would quit magnificently like Scarface from Half Baked.

 

Then October 17th came and my illusion came crashing in. I was denied disability because I was still earning too much money. So, the decision was made. I had to quit my job. What a scary thing to do! It had to be done, cause to get help, the government wants you to be completely destitute. Who needs to pay bills or have a roof over their head while the government takes 4 to 6 months to review your case? That’s just plain nonsense. Being homeless is so underrated!!!  So as of right now, I wait, praying that my meager 401k and driving Uber and Lyft part-time can sustain me until my benefits kick in. I would work full time, but I have an earnings limit of $1160 a month. That’s not even $300 a week. I’m on the razor’s edge here. I’ve crossed over from the safe zone into the danger zone. I’m riding the lightning. I am in uncharted territory and I am terrified. Change is difficult for me. This whole process has been difficult. There have been multiple emotional breakdowns and I imagine there will be many more.

 

 

New normal is a motherfucker.

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A Random Tuesday in Heaven


God: “I can’t believe this!!! JESUS!!! JESUS?! JESUS H. CHRIST, I’M CALLING YOU!!!”

Jesus: “Dad dammit, I heard you. What is it?”

God: “You ever watch this Charlie Sheen guy? Did I really make him that much of a douchebag? I couldn’t have. WINNING?! Did I accidentally give him tiger’s blood for real? Cause that would make him retarded I’d think.”

God's shameful mistake....

 


Jesus: “Well, sometimes people turn out that way DAD. He’s done a mountain of cocaine and porn stars. It’s a hell of a drug. Makes you crazy! Don’t you know this? I thought you were OMNIPOTENT…OMNISCIENT! INFALLIBLE.”

God: “You ungrateful little jackass! I’m your father! You show some respect!”

Jesus: “Ooooh, like you showed me?! Hey…uh…Jesus…sorry to tell you this, buuuuut I’m gonna have to have you sacrifice yourself for the Jews. And they’re going to turn their back on you. But they’ll still like me….”

God: “Look, stop doing that! You are mocking me and I don’t like it!”

Jesus: “What you gonna do big guy? Send me to my death?”

God: “Damn, would you just let that go? It’s been like 2000 years already!! I SAID I WAS SORRY!”

God felt really bad.

 


Jesus: “Yeah, I got nailed to a cross that I was made to carry while the Romans were whipping me. Now I know how the slaves felt..”

God: “Awww, shit, who are you now? Kunta Kinte? You should be proud!”

Jesus: “All that time, since I was a little kid, I had to bear the knowledge that my absentee dad was planning to have me killed for some assholes that don’t even think I exist. I’m sooooo proud.”

God: “Now we’re on that subject are we? Look, I told you, I couldn’t be around. I had to run things up here.”

Jesus: “Right. Like the angels couldn’t run things!”

God: “Those guys? Are you insane? If I left them alone there would be anarchy. They are still pissed that they have no genitals! You saw what Satan tried to do. I had to put him down.”

Jesus: “So THAT’S why they’re always so cranky?! Wow. Whatever! You were never there for me!”

God: “Ugh, you had Mary and Joseph. What do you want?!”

Mary and Joseph....raising God's illegitimate chillins since 0 A.D.!

 

Jesus: “Joseph? He wasn’t my daddy! He was always asking me to turn water into wine so he could drink it!”

God: “You liar, he was not!”

Jesus: “He hit me.”

God: “No he didn’t!”

Jesus: “Well….he thought about it. I could hear him thinking….That fucking son of God kid…always telling me who his daddy is…God this, God that, he destroyed Sodom & Gomorra, I have to die for people’s sins…blah blah blah..”

God: “Look…okay, maybe he wasn’t the best guy, but your mom was hot. She had such a tight…”

Jesus: “Daaaaaad!!! So you just knocked her up because you could eh? Did you really love her?”

God: “I love everybody.”

Jesus: “Hmmmpp. You sure have a crappy way of showing it.”

God: “Damn, quit busting my holy jewels would you? Don’t you have to prepare for The Second Coming?”

Jesus: “Are you gonna have me be born to a virgin girl with a heart of gold again?”

God: “Why not? It worked the first time!”

Jesus: “You old fart…it’s the 21st century. There are no virgins anymore! Even geeks are getting laid! Well…except for that Selles dude. How about having me be born to a heroin addicted hooker from Detroit or something?”

God: “WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND PROSTITUTES?! You just can’t let that go, can you? Do you know how many Popes I had to bribe so they would cover up that Mary Magdalene fiasco? That DaVinci Code shit nearly fucked it all up.”

Jesus really has a thing for hoes. Really, it's become kind of a problem.

 
Jesus: “Oh, and you don’t like impregnating virgins?”

God: “DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO!”

Jesus: “Pffft. When I’m in charge…”

God: “Ooooh, watch out, Jesus is gonna run this joint in his Birkenstocks and sissy robe!”

Jesus: “Yeah, that’s right, mock me all you want. You wait! I’ll show you…”

They'd made fun of his sandals for the last time....

 


They’re Not After Our Scooby Snacks, Gang!


They're all smiling 'cause they just finished hot boxing the van.

 


The sun was hanging high in the sky, raining sunshine down onto the gang. They were cruising in their Mystery Machine, relaxing after another successful solving of a case. Shaggy was driving with Daphne riding shotgun and Fred, Velma, and Scooby-Doo hanging out in the back.

Shaggy: “Hey Scoob, pass me a sandwich man, cause I’m like, starving up here!”

Scoob: “Oray Raggy!!! Ru runt rayonnaise on it?!”

Shaggy: “Sure do Scoob! That sounds deeeeeelicious! Mmmmmm, nothing better than a peanut butter and mayo sandwich!!!”

Scooby hands Shag the sandwich and Shag proceeds to take a huge bite, slathering a mix of mayo and pb on his face. Daphne looks over at Shag and becomes visibly disgusted.

And you thought I was making this up.

 


Daphne: “Shaggy, that is gross!! You look like an idiot with that mayo on your face.”

Shag: “At least the white shit on my face is mayo and not jizz you vapid, horny skankbag. Right Scoob?!”

Scoob: “HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!! RIGHT!!! Rou rell her Raggy!!! Rucking Ritch!”

Daphne: “Fuck you, Norville! You and your fucktard dog can suck a dick. Shit, maybe you guys do already.”

With that comment, Shaggy reaches over and backhands Daphne.

Shag: “Don’t you ever call me Norville you cocktease! You’ve been teasing Fred for 40 fucking years now. His balls are so damned blue, they look like two Smurfs pressing their asses together.”

Daphne retreats from Shaggy, holding her cheek. Fred decides to come to the aid of Daphne.

Fred: Shaggy!!! Stop it. There was no need for that!!! You should apologize for what you’ve done!”

Shag: “Like, kiss my stoned ass Fred. Why don’t you take that sissy scarf of yours and your blue balls and give Velma a ride. Better yet, I’ll let Scoob fuck her. Maybe if she got manly Scooby-dick and not that number 2 pencil like yours she would come back from the land of the carpet grazers!!! Right Scoob?!”

Scooby: “Right Raggy! Ret me ruck her!!! I’ll rear rat ass out!!! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!”

Velma: “Go play in traffic Shaggy. You had your chance with me remember? All I can recall was a limp dick, you junky. I had to go get my jinkies off with Daphne after we busted Old Man Witherspoon.”

Daphne: “Uhhhhhhh…..”

Don't lie....you've thought about it.


The argument continued inside the Green Machine as they rocketed down the highway. They were so involved in their own fight that they didn’t notice 3 unmarked Suburbans following them. The agents inside were getting antsy, ready to make their move.

Agent Weed: “We’ve got them now, eh Agent Stoner?”

Agent Stoner: “Fuckin’ A. Let’s wait until we have our state trooper backup, then we’ll spring the trap. These drug smuggling motherfuckers are going down!!!!”

The van continued along for another few miles on an open and semi-crowded stretch of interstate, Shaggy kept hounding everyone in the van.

Shag: “…..And that’s why I think you all suck!”

Scoob: “HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!! Exrept re, right Raggy?”

…….

Scoob: “Raggy?

…….

Scoob: “Ruck rou then rotherrucker!!!! Rats ruh ras rime I rake rou a randrich!!!!!”

Scooby-Doo, being the smart, investigative Great Dane that he is, looked out the van’s rear window and noticed that they were being tailed by no less than 5 state troopers and 3 SUVs. He knew immediately who they were and why they were after the van.

Scoob: “RAGGY, RIT’S RUH RUCKING R.E.A.!!!!”

Fred: “Who?”

Scoob: “Ruh R.E.A.!”

Velma: “Damn Scooby, we can’t fucking understand you, you lispy dumb fuck!!!! Speak clearly!”

Scooby: “Raggy, rhet me rhill ris ritch? Rease?!!!”

Shag: “No, Scoob, we need her for negotiation!!! He said D.E.A. Velma! Now shut the fuck up so I can think!!! FUCK!!! How’d they find us?! I thought we cleaned out all our weed stashes and closed the meth-lab?”

Velma: “Negotiations? A METH-LAB?! What the hell are you guys doing while we are solving cases?!”

Fred & Daphne: “Yeah, what the hell?!”

Shag: “We’re making sure we didn’t run outta jack you retards!!! Like, you think ghostchasing pays the bills? None of you have ever had a job, yet you ride around in my sweet van eating my food and pissing me off!! Me and Scoob had to improvise.”

Daphne: “By selling drugs?!”

Shaggy: “I didn’t hear you complaining when I was supplying your ganj, bitch!”

Daphne: “I thought…..that was just for us…”

Shaggy: “Whatever you brickhead. Now get in the back on your knees and do what you are good at…nothing!”

Graphical representation of just how useless Daphne actually is.



By now, the SUV containing Agents Weed & Stoner were in the lead. Agent Stoner gets on the loudspeaker:

“ATTENTION!!!! WE HAVE YOU!!!! SURRENDER AND YOU WILL NOT BE HURT!!! STOP THE VAN AND COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS AND PAWS UP!!!”

Agent Weed: “Get ready Stoner, just in case they don’t give up.”

Fred, Velma, & Daphne: “Stop the van!!!”

Shag: “Okay, I’m gonna stop the van. Scoob, you know what to do?”

Scoob: “Ramn right. Ret’s rhet rum (let’s get some)!!!!!”

The Mystery Machine slows, pulls to the side of the road, and stops. All of the pursuing law enforcement vehicles stop and block the road. Agents Weed and Stoner exit their SUV and draw their weapons.

Agent Weed: “Give it up Rogers!!! We know you’re in there. We just want you and the dog. Don’t make this harder!!!!”

Shag: “You can’t get hard you pig!!!! Eat me fucker!!! Do it Scoob!!!”

Scoob: “Rokay!!!”

Scooby opens a hidden panel in the floor revealing M-16s, AK-47s, some RPGs, and a minigun. Scooby sets up the gatling cannon and kicks open the back door of the van………

Indescriminate Movie Cop with a Porn ‘Stache #1: “That fucking dogs got a God-damned MINIGUN!!!!!” Go for cover!!!!!”


Years on the road had made Shagg and Scoob hawwwwwwd motherfuckers. They just played dumb for the rest of the gang.


Scooby pulls the trigger and let’s loose a full burst of automatic gatling cannon fire like something out of a movie. The agents dive behind their vehicles for cover just as the rounds tear into their cars. The sound of the bullets shredding the cop’s and agent’s cars is only outdone by the buzzing roar of the gatling cannon.

Something from a movie…who doesn’t like Old Painless??!!!! Seriously

Scooby: “Rhet rum rockruckas!!!!” (Get some cocksuckers!!!)

Velma: “JINKIES!!!!!!”

Shag: “ZOINKS!!!!! Shut er down Scoob, we gotta get outta here!!!!”

Fuckin' jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinkies!!!!!! Whew...ok, back to the story...


Scooby stops shooting and dumps the heavy gun, now out of ammo. He pulls out one of the M-16s with a 40mm tube launcher attached under the barrel. He aims for the lead SUV and pulls the launcher trigger….BLOOOOOP!!!

Scoob: “Ray rherrooooo roo my rittle rend!!!!!”

Agent Stoner and Weed run and barely get clear as the grenade impacts their suburban and explodes, sending the SUV flipping into the air, landing on top of Indescriminate Movie Cop with a Porn ‘Stache #1’s (we’ll call him IMCPS from here on) cruiser, causing it to explode thereby taking out a soccer mom mini-van nearby.

Agent Stoner looked so much like Harrison Ford it was uncanny.

 



Mrs. McGuillicutty!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Damn you meddling kids!!!!

 


Shag: “Yeah!!!! We’re outta here!!!!”

Daphne: “Guns, drugs, shooting cops….My God Shaggy, what’s next?!”

Velma: “I think it’s kind of hot. What can I do to help?”

Fred: “I think I pissed myself.”

The van’s tires squeal in protest as it rockets away from a dead stop, it hurtles down the road, trying to distance itself from the law that will most certainly pursue. Scooby, noticing the growing wet spot on Fred’s corduroy slacks, has to take a shot at him.

Scoob: “Russy. Rhet me root him Raggy…..”

Now wanted felons, the gang modified how they operated just a little....


Frankenpiggy


Kermit had just called the one bird who could get him what he needed….

Big Bird.

BB: “Hello Frog, I was wondering when you were gonna call motherfrogger! How’s my frigga doing in the joint? You didn’t let any of them bad boys suck on your tadpole did you?”

Kermit: “No way B…well, except for Fozzie when he visited but I was in a weird place at the time….nevermind, I need your help B! I’ve got to get ought of here and I need Dr. Honeydew. We gotta get Piggy back!”

BB: “Frigga, you know you killed that slab of bad pork, right? She’s Spam now frog.”

Kermit: “I heard Honeydew had perfected a process to reanimate dead felt. Rumor has it he’s used it on Beaker.”

BB: “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, that crazy muppet hasn’t exactly perfected it….it has a bad habit of turning what it brings back into evil, twisted shells of what they used to be! He’s done it to that migga Beaker like 10 times and that mupperfucker is fucking craaaaaaaazy. Can’t even speak no mo…just a bunch of ‘ME ME ME MEEEEE MEEEEEE ME ME ME MEEEEEEEE’. I heard he killed Camille and ate that chicken bitch. Still, good minions are hard to come by and shit, so I can understand why a muppet would do some fucked up shit like that.”

Kermit: “I don’t care! I NEED Piggy! She’s the only one who can save me and my career!! You gonna help me or not Bird?! You remember how I helped you out when shit got fucked up with Snuffy? You owe me!”

Snuffy was quietly phased out of Sesame Street for a while after he showed Maria his…SPECIAL game.

BB: “STILL?! I covered up the fact that you Dirty Harry’d your fat pig wife you muppet son of a bitch!!!!! You STILL ended up in jail because you like giving the felt reach-around to unwilling muppets!!”

Kermit: “LOOK, BERT TOOK ALL THAT SHIT AND LIKED IT!!! Just help me out and I’ll make it worth your while. What you want?”

BB: “Fraggle Rock. I want to own that shit.”

Kermit: “Yeah, fuck them little cave muppets! Yeah, I can do that.”

BB: “Good. Consider it done. I’ll have you released and at Honeydew’s castle within a couple of days.”

Kermit: “Good! Finally, Kermit is gonna be back on top!!!”

…………………………………………………………………………….

After Big Bird gave up the location of the Swede for US law enforcement extradition President Obama was more than happy to pardon Kermit for his offenses. The Swede was a dangerous Muppet and drug trafficker. Getting his smack off the Sesame Streets was worth letting a pork killer like Kermit go free.

Finally, they would get their man!!!!

Kermit was secretly flown on board one of Big Bird’s G5s to an uninhabited island somewhere in the South Pacific. As the plane taxied and came to a stop at the low-key private terminal, Beaker, Dr. Honeydew’s prized 2nd in command, was there to greet him.

These are his actual business cards.

Kermit: “Good day Beaker!! Where is the Dr?”

Beaker: “MEEE MEE MEEEEE MEEEEE MEEEEEEEE MEEEE.”

Kermit: “I’m sorry, do you speak English? I don’t understand gibblish.”

Beaker was obviously frustrated with never being understood. It gave him bad thoughts. Thoughts of wanting to….do bad things again….like he did with Camille…did TO Camille. He wanted to show Kermit the bad things. NO!!! He had to get him to Dr. Honeydew. No killing now. The killing would be for later, if he was good.

Beaker: “MEEEEE MEEE MEEEEE. M.E.E.E. Meeee?”

Kermit: “Uhhh, look, I’m just not getting it. Can you write it down?”

Beaker suppressed his desire to amputate Kermit’s legs and fry them up…eat them with perhaps a nice rice pilaf…some vintage wine….does red go better or white? He was getting excited thinking about it….

Silence of the Beaker….

Kermit, noticing Beaker’s blank, glazed stare became a bit unnerved. “HEY! You in there? Write it down!”

Beaker snapped to reality. “Meeee meeee.” Beaker scribbed something on a notepad he was carrying and showed it to Kermit.

(Meeeeee meeeee meeeee meeeee, meeeee mee me mee meee miiiiii. Meee meeeee mimimimimi. Me.)

Kermit’s face scrunched into one of his patented expressions, displaying exasperation with Beaker and his gibblish. “Let’s just fucking get in the car and you can drive me to the doc, ok?”

Beaker, hiding his displeasure, agreed. “Me.”

They walked from the tarmac to the awaiting car. Kermit settled into the back seat and made himself a drink from the ample bar that adorned the interior of the limo. Beaker looked back and saw what he wanted…Kermit drinking.

Beaker: “Miiiiiiiiiiiii….MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Kermit was perplexed. He felt heavy…groggy…..he wanted to close his eyes. Had he understood gibblish, he would have known that Beaker was telling him all along that the doctor had plans for him. Big Muppet plans. Kermit passed out….the last thing he saw was Beaker’s dead eyes.

Kermit was at their mercy!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Kermit’s eyes opened (Do they even have eyelids? Let’s just go with it shall we?) onto a strange sight….a creature that LOOKED like Miss Piggy but her body was kinda hot. She had bigger tits, but her face….yes, she had butterface. Her body looked stronger, like she had been given HGH or something. Bolts stuck out of her neck. There were wires attached to them and she was strapped to a table with what looked like steel wires and shackles. Her eyes focused intently on him. They had the same look they did three years ago…when she tried to kill him. Her hair stood straight up and had a shock of white running through it. He felt his whole body shiver with fear. He tried to get up to run, but realized he was restrained as well.

In his peripheral vision he noticed a shadowy figure standing in front of a large console with multiple monitors. The console looked evil. Lots of large red buttons and switches. Anyway, the figure spoke. “Ahhhh, good, you are awake Kermit! I can now monologue to you my entire evil plan to use your precious Miss Piggy to take over the Muppet world!”

“Dr. Honeydew! You evil bastard! You know when Big Bird finds out about this he’s gonna send Statler & Waldorf to fuck you up!!!” Kermit spoke with anger at the betrayal.

Just then Beaker came into view and POWWWWWW!, he struck Kermit in the face, knocking one of his eyes googly. “MIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!” Beaker screamed into Kermit’s face. Piggy shifted ever so imperceptibly at the sight of Kermit being struck, her dead looking eyes fixated upon him somehow.

“I’m going to fucking gut you Beaker. You’re gonna pay…” Kermit said with anger.

“Don’t be so melodramatic Frog! Let me apologize for my assistant. He’s…special. Too many electrocutions I suspect. One time I found him masturbating with electrodes attached to his dick. He’s fucking crazy, but a damn good henchman. Do you know how much a good henchman runs these days? Medical insurance, 401-k, paid vacation. It’s ridiculous I tell you. I pay Beaker in….well, let’s just say he gets to enjoy private time with my experiment subjects when I am done with them. You remember Camille don’t you? She was delicious after Beaker was done with her. I just didn’t know you could make chicken so tender and juicy. Really was something.” Honeydew had the mad scientist look down. Lab coat, crazy hair, spectacles, evil grin, no eyes; all that shit. “You see Frog, I need you for….”

“You’ll never get away with this Honeydew. Big Bird will…” POWWWWWWW!!! Beaker struck Kermit again, this time in his stomach. Kermit groaned with the pain. “WAAAAAAARGGGGHHHH!!!” Beaker was excited now. A felt boner was becoming visible in his muppet pants. Miss Piggy stirred again…strained against her bonds. No one seemed to notice.

“DON’T INTERRUPT ME AGAIN YOU MOTHERFRAGGLE!!!!” Honeydew screamed at Kermit. “I’M MONOLOGUING!!!!” Honeydew calmed down, which was even spookier. He spoke in a calm, monotone voice. “Don’t you know it isn’t polite to interrupt a megalomaniacal genius when he’s about to share his evil genius plan for world domination? That’s just rude and in poor taste.”

“You’re insane Honeydew!!! Big Bird will stop you!” Kermit struggled against his shackles.

Honeydew looked at Kermit’s writhing and laughed. “MWA HAHAHAHA!!! You can’t be serious??!!! Big Bird was the one who gave you up Frog! You gave him Fraggle Rock and he sold you out. He was always jealous that you became the famous one with the tv show and the movies. All he got was that one shitty movie and a show on PBS!!! PBS??!!!! The embarrassment!!!! And Snuffy?! Who wants a shaggy elephant?!!! He never got a hot pig bitch to slob on his bird pecker!!! He wanted Piggy so much and you..YOU…killed her. He made up this elaborate plan to jail you, then get you to me. He knew you would feel guilt and want her back and he knew I…ONLY I…had the power to resurrect Miss Piggy! So he subtly suggested that you see me. HEHEHEHE!!!” Honeydew was smug and more than pleased with himself.

“That….fucking yellow bird!! When I get out of this I’m gonna kick the living felt out of you…and your crazy assistant.” Kermit stared at Beaker directly. Beaker looked back with a stone killer’s 1000 yard stare as if he was taunting Kermit, saying “Come on frog, do it.” or more properly, “Mi mi mi meeeee, mi mi.”

“Oh please Kermit, you’re the biggest pussy ever!” Honeydew retorted.

“I killed that fat crazy bitch Piggy!” Kermit was stunned with what came out of his mouth. Perhaps maybe he didn’t need her. Maybe it was up to him all along. Piggy’s eyes twitched at what he had said. They looked even more intensely at him now. Almost as if she knew what he said and was looking to put her pig hoof in his frog ass.

“And I have brought her back! Better, faster, stronger, a little uglier, but she has great tits soooooo…you know….Butterface. Her body is banging, but-her-face…..butterface. REGARDLESS, she’s my minion now!!!!” Honeydew laughed, an insane glint sparkled in his..well, it would if he had eyes. You know what I’m trying to say.

“Noooooo!!!!!!” Kermit screamed, tears rolling down his face. He began to really move around, trying to break his chains. Beaker struck Kermit again with glee. He was fully erect now and daydreaming of frogs legs and wine.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…..

Miss Piggy….she was fully writhing now. The chains were straining to hold her gargantuan yet super hot for a pig frame. Kermit looked over and saw her moving violently and began to get really worried. More worried than he of course already was, you know. Being tied down in the dungeon of an evil crazy genius and being bitch slapped by his serial killerish henchman with an inappropriate boner and all was bad enough. A raging Frankenpiggy would really be a double downer. Kermit looked over at Honeydew…”Uhhhhhh, doctor, you DO see your monster moving, don’t you?”

“It’s of no use frog, you can’t trick me! You see, I need you for your brain. FRANKENPIGGY is almost ready, but she’s stupid.” As Honeydew continued to drone on with his back now turned from Kermit and Piggy and his attention on his mega screen of death displaying schematics, Piggy broke one of her shackles. CLINK! “She’s a dunce you see. Just dumber than a box of rocks. I mean just as retarded as a special olympics last place finisher.”

“You mind not insulting her?! She never liked that! She’s breaking free!” KLANK!! Frankenpiggy had now busted one of her foot shackles and only one hand and one foot were restrained. Kermit now felt a warm stream of liquid run down his leg and puddle onto the floor. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit…” Beaker was now smiling like Buffalo Bill at Kermit, or he would be if that were possible for his mouth to do that. He was completely ignorant to the fact that a pig monster was very close to breaking out of her chains.

Honeydew wasn’t listening at this point, just jabbering on about his legendary greatness and how he was going to win evil genius of the year which would be a first for a muppet. “…..Forrest Gump could beat her in a game of chess she’s so dumb….” Frankenpiggy heard this and her eyes….they became wild with raging anger. Beaker stopped stroking his hard-on through his pants long enough to see Piggy finally shatter the last of her bindings. CLAAAAANG!!!!!!

“MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!” he squealed in abject terror, trying to alert the doctor to the fact that she was free and reeeeeeeeeeally fucking mad. Beaker pulled out his bowie knife that he used to gut Camille with and rushed Piggy, intent on filleting her too. He already had chicken…now he would dine on pork chops…maybe with a good apple glaze and a nice salad. Piggy was enraged and so powerful. Her gown barely contained her frame. One of her tits was out even. Even so, she was still filled with the violent intent to dismember everyone in the room. She was, indeed, not dumber than a box of rocks. She was…FRANKENPIGGY! Beaker swung his knife toward Piggy and plunged it deep into her exposed tit; a blank look on his face as always hiding his extreme arousal. Piggy grabbed the knife and slowly pulled it out, no blood or felt coming from the wound, only a spurt of what looked like water. He had inexplicably hit one of her new saline breast implants. She looked at Beaker…. “Mi mi.” Beaker said with a matter of fact resignation that this pig was gonna fuck him up.

It looked a lot like this except with a knife sticking out and blind, murdery rage in her eyes.

She screamed “NOW I’M GONNA BE LOPSIDED!!!! HIIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!” and tore away the electrodes from the bolts in her neck and shoved them into Beaker’s very large and creepy eyes. “FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!” he screamed, which surprised him as much as it did a now petrified Kermit still strapped to the table. She flipped the rather large switch on the wall labeled ‘For evil electrical torture, brain swapping or reanimation, pull this’. Beaker’s body was now riddled with like 1.21 gigawatts of electricity or something. Whatever it would take to kill him or whatever. “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” Beaker screamed for a few seconds before his head exploded in a puff of felt and plastic eye fragments.

“I knew that creepy muppetfucker spoke english!!!!” Kermit blurted out much to his surprise. “Good job Piggy! I knew you weren’t…”

“FUCK YOU FROG!!! AFTER I PULL HONEYDEW’S HEAD OUT THROUGH HIS MUPPET ASS, YOU’RE NEXT YOU PUSSY!” Piggy was still herself, but now so much more powerful…and ugly. Kermit was now shitting himself. He was still chained down and not at all looking forward to having his head pulled through his ass. And her tit was still out.

Honeydew saw this all unfold before his non-existent eyes and acting quickly, he pressed the auto-destruct button on his evil console. It was larger and much redder than all the other buttons. Plus it said ‘GO BOOM!!!’ on it. A soft female voice that sounded a lot like Janice chimed, “Like, you have, like 15 minutes….until detonation or something. Please use the emergency exits man and depart the island in an orderly and calm manner for sure.” He knew he designed Frankenpiggy to be an unstoppable monster. He had to destroy his entire base to stop her raging madness. “You may have escaped my impossibly unescapable trap you fucking retarded Pig monster, but you won’t escape this island. You see, I have rigged this base with a 100 megaton nuclear bo….”

Honeydew stopped mid sentence as Beaker’s bowie knife that Piggy had thrown impaled him in the chest. Honeydew looked at Kermit and Piggy, then the knife. “Does this mean I won’t get evil genius of the year?”, then he slumped down in front of his evil console, dead. “That’s for calling me retarded you muppet cockgobbler!!!” Piggy said with insane satisfaction.

Just one of Dr. Honeydew’s evil plans for Kermit. Beaker would have cooked those legs up! Gooooooood eatin’!

Piggy turned to Kermit “Now, for you Frog…” Her tit was still out and was really making the situation even more awkward.

“You know, like, you’ve got like 12 minutes and stuff to get away for sure. Cause stuff is gonna be really explodey here and bright and stuff. Big boom maaaan.” Janice’s voice continued over the speaker system. Kermit was still tied down and now covered in his own muppet pee and shit. He was shaking violently and certain he was now going to die a violent and painful death.

Piggy lumbered towards him, her tit still out and leaking saline. “I’m gonna so fucking enjoy this.”

Kermit tried to shrink away from her approaching form. This was it…..

(To be continued…some more)

Wow, this turned into waaaay more than I originally intended. Why did I work on this for 3 days to have 5 people read it? Someone tell me please!  The 4th and hopefully final part coming soon!

Sex Robot.


This blog contains content of an adult nature and should not be read by anyone under the age of 18 or anyone who is easily offended by naked chicks and shit.

Noooooooo, not robot sex, a sex robot!! I want a SEX ROBOT!

Selles: “Oh shit, yeah baby, like that! Ride that shit! Uhhhhh! Yeah!”

Sex Bot 360: “Ay papi, you are the king! Work my pussy baby! You like this shit?!”

Selles: “You know I do Salma! I loved you on 30 Rock!!!! God, your tits are perfect!”

Sex Robot version 1.0

Sex Bot 360: “Thank you daddy, I….” *POP! BANG!!!!*

Broken sex robots are nothing to scoff at!

And with that, she seized up and stopped. The smell of burnt electronics wafted heavily in the air. Selles was confused. Selles was also really pissed because he had a 130 pound, naked android stuck on his junk. When she seized up, her pussy locked up and clenched on his mandingo.

“What the fuck?!” He looked into her eyes and realized what had happened. The three quarter red ring in her right eye meant only one thing…

Fucking Microsoft!!!! I knew I shouldn't have run her on Vista!

The Red Ring of Death. Perhaps more like the Blue Balls of Death. Her pussy clenched and pinched on his urethra right before he blew his man juice. So here he was, a cum of epic proportions backed up in his balls and a dead sex robot that looked just like Salma Hayek on his lap.

“FUCK!!!! Stupid fucking Sexbot 360!!!!! Fucking Microsoft!!!! God damned shitty cheap equipment!”

This wasn’t something that was entirely unexpected. The Sexbot 360 was a glitch waiting to happen. The friction and heat from the sexing had a tendency to make the ‘bots software fry which caused the hardware to seize. “Crap.” Selles hadn’t had this happen before, but he’d heard of it happening to other people. There was that guy in Green Bay that had his Sexbot 360 catch on fire while he was plugging it doggiestyle, and everyone knew of the one where that guy in Miami had his junk bitten off when the red ring hit his older model while she was blowing him. The early models weren’t blowjob compatible. The guy had modded his bot which voided his warranty. So he was out his penis…annnnnd a sweet Sex Bot. One poor girl was even smothered to death when her Gerard Butler model fell over onto her when it went kaput.

What you don't see is a poor woman smothering to death under his smoldering good looks. 404 ERROR. EW-73 internal malfunction.

So at least he was lucky he still had his shit attached, but he had to do something, because his balls were quickly approaching Defcon 1 and he had to launch or there was going to be some mutally assured destruction in his taint area. “Damn, who do I call?” Selles thought. He could call one of his friends and have them take him to the ER, but the embarrassment would be too great and they would never let him live it down. They kept telling him to get a Laystation 3 or a Pimptendo Whee. Fuck Pimptendo, their apps sucked!!! Unless you wanted to fuck a plumber, princess, or a mushroom, which Selles did not. He was a fanboy and stuck with the Sexbot 360 because they had all the killer apps he liked. Salma, Megan, Tricia, Beyonce, Alicia, Minka, and even old school throwbacks like Sigourney and Farrah. “I’ll be careful!” he said. “The blue balls of death won’t happen to me!” he said.

The Mario Pimptendo Whee suffered from slow sales and frankly...it was fucking ugly as shit. However, consumers were more than pleased with its penis apparatus.

But it did and here he was. The bot was naked with the look of an approaching fake orgasm stuck on its face. The ER was out. He had one option. He reached for the phone on the edge of the bed and dialed the number on the bottom of his Sexbot’s right foot.

*Click*….”Microsoft customer service, this is Jane, how can I help you?”

Selles: “Uhhhh, yeah, Jane? I, uhh, have an issue with my…jeez, uhhh…”

Jane: “Did your Sexbot 360 seize up, sir?”

There was a long pause. Silence.

Jane: “Sir, please don’t be embarrassed. This line is specifically for problems with your Sexbot. Can you give me the serial number?”

Selles: “8675309”

Jane: “Thank you sir! Ahhh, I see you got the deluxe model with the new porn actress module! Good choice sir! So, what seems to be the trouble?”

Jane was far too cheery for his tastes. Perhaps working this job had just hardened her against being surprised by anything she would possibly hear. So he just blurted it out.

Selles: “My sex robot seized up while on my junk and now I can’t get my dick out!!!!”

Jane: “Okay, Mr. Coe, I have your records here. You don’t have a unit with anal input capabilities so we can rule out the rear input. Is your apparatus stuck in her audio output/input or her vaginal simulator?”

Selles: “The…..vaginal simulator.”

Jane: “And what operating system were you using? Vagina or Pussy XP?”

Selles: “Vagina.”

Jane: “Annnnnnd what version?”

Selles: “6.9.”

Jane: “Mmmm hmmm. Okay, have you downloaded the software updates? There was an important recommended service pack update recently. It helped solve the DIB you are currently experiencing.”

Selles: “DIB?”

Jane: “Yes sir. Dick In a Box. You dick is stuck in her box. Sorry to use an industry term there! Tee Hee!”

Selles: “Right. Okay, software update? Uhhhh, I didn’t think that was really needed…”

Jane: “Well now that you have a dead weight Sexbot on your lap you are thinking differently aren’t you, Mr. Coe?”

Selles: “How did you know she was on my lap?”

Jane: “We’re Microsoft sir. We know. TEE HEE!!!! Is there an error message in her eye? Look for a EW-73 internal error message.”

Selles looked into the broken sex bot’s eye and saw it and his heart sunk. Yes, there it was…EW-73 internal error. This usually meant a fatal error and having to return the Sex Bot 360 to Microsoft for them to replace it. God bless the extended warranty. Now all he had to do was find a way to get it off his manhood.

Selles: “Yeah, I see the error. How do I get it off my dick?! I need to bust a load lady!!!!”

Who can decipher these instructions?!!!!

Jane: “Mmm hmmm sir. Calm down and we’ll get this situation resolved with your nut successfully busted. Look for the emergency pussy simulator release button. It should be located on the anterior wall of the unit. On a real woman it would be what you’d call the G spot sir.”

Selles moved around and was able to hook a finger up inside the simulator between his rapidly swelling tool and the lips of the pussy unit. He tried for five minutes but could not locate it. “I can’t find it!!! I can’t find it!!!!” Selles was panicking.

Jane: “It’s okay sir. Relax. Don’t worry, it is hard to find and men usually just can’t figure out where it is. Would you like me to remotely trigger the release? I warn you…you will have an orgasm and it will be very intense. Almost painful sir. Do you still wish me to proceed?”

Selles: “Yes! Fucking do it!!!”

There was an audible *BLOOK* sound and then…

Selles: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!”

When the dots in his vision subsided he saw in her left eye…..*Achievement unlocked..Super Nutter Butter*. HELL YEAH!!!!!!

BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!


Jane: “Sir? The unit is released. You let out a rather loud groan! Are you okay?”

Selles: “Woooh, uhhhh, yeah….I’m okay.”

Jane: “Great sir! And how are your nuts? Your junk?”

Selles: “The pressure is released. Things are returning to normal. So now what?”

Jane: “Good to hear about your cock and balls sir! What you want to do now is remove her hard drive and ship her back to us and we will send you a new Sex Bot 360! Is there anything else I can do for you? Maybe you’d like to upgrade?”

Selles: “Upgrade? Can I get a Minka Kelly skin? I will ship her back to you. Thanks for your help Jane. I hope you don’t think I am a pervert.”

Sex Bot 360 upgrade version 2.0

Jane: “Of curse sir, we will do that at no charge to you! And no, not at all! If you want to stick your junk inside a machine that is your business! Better our sex bots than the vaccuum, right? TEE HEE HEE!!!! I would maybe recommend maybe that you get out and find a real woman though. Too much sexbotting can make you go blind I hear! Thank you for using Microsoft customer service!!! Goodbye!”

Selles hung up the phone and removed the closed down bot off of his lap. He sighed loudly….”I should have gotten an I-Hoe. Apple’s shit hardly ever fucks up!”

Apple's early I-Hoes were very rudimentary...


The I-Hoe Touch version 4.0 was the pinnacle in sexbotting.