Black Jesus Returns


     Brad was traipsing along one day, absentmindedly checking his phone when he scrolled across some distressing news!!!

     “Maaan, they made Ariel black?! That’s bullshit!!!”, he exclaimed loudly to no one in particular. “God damned social justice warrior bullshit! Fucking snowflakes! Jesus Chri…”, and before he could even finish that sentence, the sky opened up and a beam of light shone down from on high and on that beam was the Lord Savior, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, motherfuckers!!!

     Jesus was resplendent in his simple robes and his dope Nike sandals. “You called, bruh?” Brad was shocked. He wasn’t shocked because he was standing in the presence of God, he was shocked because Jesus was as brown as dark stained wood with a curly fro that was the most perfect he’s ever seen. “Wha…who are you?” “I’m Jesus, my dude! Why you trippin’ about a fictional character?” Jesus was curious to hear Brad’s answer. “Wait, Jesus is white! You’re blaspheming!!” Brad retorted. Jesus gets this a lot. “Naw, homey. Why would you expect someone born in the Middle East, in what is modern day Israel, to be Caucasian? How many crackas you know from there?”

     “I don’t believe you. You’re just fucking around! Wentworth? Is that you, dude? Blackface is wrong, guy!” Brad chuckled like someone who didn’t really think blackface is wrong. Jesus saw through his lie. “Fuck you, Brad. I’ve seen your Facebook profile. Those party pictures lead me to believe you love blackface. Blackface IS wrong, by the way.” Brad was offended. “Jesus doesn’t curse!! My profile is set to friends only!!!” Brad has begun to sweat ever so slightly, as if he is being judged, and he isn’t sure he’s getting a good score so far. Jesus noted his discomfort, and got up to his neck in Brad’s ass. “FUCK YOU, BRAD. I’M JESUS, MOTHERFUCKER. I CAN DO WHATEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE!”, Jesus said, his voice echoed, booming with the deepness of James Earl Jones and the swagger of Samuel L. Jackson. He calmed himself and continued. “Now, why you drinking so much Hater-aid? You done given yo self haterbetes!!! 

     Brad chose his words carefully. “Uh, well, cause she’s always been white. It’s integral to the character.” Jesus’ dark eyes rolled until you could see the whites clearly. “Brad, she’s fictional half fish, half human. Her color ain’t got shit to do with anything. Now, if she was say, Black Panther or someone playing Martin Luther King Jr., then sure, color would be integral to the character. This is not one of those situations.” Brad decided to get brave. “Hollywood and other people are just doing diversity for the sake of diversity!!! Women and woke snowflakes are ruining it!”

     Jesus got out his golden pic, which he did when he was really trying to make a point, puffed out his magical afro, then spoke. “So, let me get this straight. The Caucasian man has been overwhelmingly represented in all forms of media, history, and religion forever. You have played people of color such as African and native Americans and portrayed them as racist stereotypes mind you. You have forced your religion on people who were happy as they were. You have written history books in your own image making the white man the hero when, much of the time, they were the villain. You continue trying to hide behind the law to try and force your religious and moral views on women who are quite content and capable of making decisions about their own bodies. You blame your inability to find jobs on brown immigrants who are, without complaint, doing the jobs you refuse to do then in the same breath you call them lazy criminals who are a burden on the system. You are born with a built in opportunity to receive every privilege there is, yet you are pissy and moany about everything! I have a theory: Maaaaaaaaybe you feel threatened that your majority and self granted, in your mind superiority is quickly eroding. By 2050, white people will not only be a physical minority, but a vocal one. If you want to cry ’bout that go ahead. Your fate was sealed over 250 years ago when slave massa couldn’t keep his white cockship Enterprise out of all those black holes. Your people have enslaved and subjugated just about every non-white race on Earth and even some of your own people!!! So….YOU DON’T GET TO BITCH ABOUT A GOD DAMNED FICTIONAL MERMAID’S COLOR….NIGGGGGA.”

     Lightning struck close-by with a rolling rumble of deep, bone rattling thunder as if for emphasis. “Ooops, sorry Dad! I forget every time.”

     Brad listened this supposed Jesus’ rant and doubled down on stupidity. You never ever double down on stupidity. “I’m just saying white men are under attack for no reason. All this #MeToo shit and social justice agenda has me not knowing how to act is all I’m saying.” Jesus had it. “YOU DON’T ACT LIKE AN ENTITLED, MISOGYNISTIC, SEXUALLY ASSAULTING, RACIST DOUCHEBAG!!! You know what?” Jesus cracked his knuckles, “You gon learn today!!! BLACKNESS!!!!”, Jesus intoned, and there was a dark cloud that began to swirl around Brad. His skin began to turn the color of dark chocolate, his naturally wavy blonde hair curled up tightly and became like black wool, and he grew 4 solid inches….in height. “There, now you black!!! Now you will know all about how minorities live their lives in fear.”

     Brad, now black as a windowless room with the lights turned off, continued his run towards the stupidity hall of fame. “Oooooh, can I say nigga, now?” As soon as the word left his mouth a police cruiser pulled up and flashed it’s lights. WOOP WOOP! The officer got out of the car. “Hey, you live around here? Let me see your ID.” Brad had never been stopped walking before. “Of course. Sorry, officer, I was talking to Jesus here….?” Jesus had faded away like a sweet jumper and was nowhere to be found. “Jesus, huh?”, the officer said, obviously unconvinced. “Is Jesus one of your mexican gangbanging homies?” Brad was still approaching the situation as if he was white. “No, officer. Why are you stopping me? I’ve done nothing wrong. Why do you need to see my license?!”

     Now the cop was getting riled. “Look, boy, don’t question me when I ask you to do something!!! Show me your FUCKING LICENSE!!!” Brad relented, still giving attitude. “Fine! Calm down. Here is my license.” Brad hands the cop his license. The cop takes it and looks at it with a puzzled look on his face. “Is this a fucking joke? Whose license is this?!” “Mine!”, Brad chirped, his voice betraying the fact that he just now remembered that Jesus turned him black but his driver’s license still shows a white dude’s photo. Things are not going well. “I mean, uh, Jesus turned me black, but I promise that’s me. officer!” The cop remained highly skeptical. “Are you one of those crazies? Too much of the crack cocaine, boy?!!! Huh?!” The cop reached for his radio to call dispatch to prepare for an ambulance to take Brad to a hospital for psych eval. Brad’s heart was in his throat. Why was this happening? He moved towards the officer to explain…

     “DON’T YOU TAKE ANOTHER STEP, MOTHERFUCKER, OR I’LL FUCKING DROP YOU!!!”, the officer screamed as he pulled his service weapon from its holster and trained it on Brad. “WOAH!! PLEASE DON’T SHOOT, MAN!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!”, Brad cried as he covered his face and curled up in total crippling fear. Just then there was another lightning crack and thunder roil. Brad looked up at the officer and in his place was Jesus, picking out his ‘fro again, laughing. “Hahahahahaha, you should have seen your face, Brad! You went ashy as fuck, dude!” Jesus pulled a fat joint from the nether, lit it, and took a long drag. Brad stood up and dusted himself off. He looked at his hand and noticed it was white again. He was white again!!! “Jesus….”, Brad started, but Jesus interrupted. “That’s Black Jesus, bitch. You give a shit about a white mermaid princess now?”

     Brad, shaken and thankful to be alive and returned to his normal state, measured his words and spoke, “I mean, making her black is just pandering to the PC left media….” BOOM!!!!! There was a bright flash of light! When it subsided, Brad was gone. There was nothing but a pile of ash next to a pair of smoking boat shoes. Jesus got on the radio in the cruiser. “Yeah, Uncle Beezy? What up, my smokey nigga?!!! I got another one for Hitler’s work detail.”

     Thank you for reading. I am rusty and this was meh, but it’s a story. I have been promising forever to do more stories. Now that I have a new gifted laptop, there will certainly be more of my satire and twisted sense of humor.

Sincerely,

The Geekfather

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One Lone Black Nerd I be


It started with the movies. I used to go with my parents to every damn show possible. Alien? “Isn’t 4 too young, Donald?” my mom would say. “He’s 4! What can he possibly remember from it? He’ll be fine” I imagine he retorted. I was not fine. I ended up being afraid of the dark the rest of my childhood. You just never knew if that pesky xenomorph was hiding in the ceiling ready to punch your face out with its tongue. However, with the fear came wondrous amazement, joy, and imagination. Even at that age I imagined myself the hero. That was 1979. I’d already been indoctrinated by Star Wars and I thought I was like every kid in those days; full of spirit, giggles, imagination, and joy.

 

Then we moved to Texas from the East Coast and I met my best friend for life, who introduced me to video games! 1983. I had an Atari 2600, then he had a Nintendo, and it escalated from there. Dungeons and Dragons, Doctor Who (we’re talking Tom Baker Doctor Who now), radio serials, Star Trek, GI Joe, Transformers. I was hooked, like every kid. It didn’t hit me that I was any different than any other kid, besides being the only black kid I knew besides my cousins. I began to notice I was the odd kid when I started doing the voices of the characters from the cartoons whose toys I cherished. After all, Optimus Prime can’t sound like Cobra Commander and Darth Vader isn’t as intimidating when he sounds like a spastic nine year old. The kids at school would tease which would cause me to become introverted and only share with those I trusted. “You’re a nerd! You can’t be a nerd! You’re black!”

Well, shit. I’m a black nerd. Those were the worst world ever spoken! Ok, not really, but I was a kid. Words stung, yo. When I was 12, I struggled with my nerd/geek desire to still keep and display my toys, but also struggled with the peer pressure to “grow up” and “be a young man”. It was awkward and it felt wrong, but I put my toys away. “Young black men your age do not play with toys! They play football or basketball or do something cool and athletic.” I heard it, even from my mother. It hurt.  Everyone seemed to want me to do it the way you’re supposed to. I wonder if I would have faced such pressure were I the innocent looking white kid like my best friend. Would I have gotten more of a pass? People tease and ridiculed the white geek kids too, but they always had a click or group they could fall into that looked like them, sounded like them, and didn’t get suspicious looks when they went somewhere together as a group.

So I stopped. I played football in middle and high school…until I discovered comic books. Then it was another obsession. I got a job just to pay for them because my exasperated mother was not gonna pay for “One more damned comic book!” (I find out years later that she was a geek growing up too in an even harder time for black nerds. She had her own comic collection. We would watch movies together and nerd out in later years) I spent half my life in the comic shop. I felt at home, but I was usually always the only black guy in there, reading stories about white, homogenous heroes saving the world. I always wondered why there weren’t more. Where were the people who looked like me?

As I got into my twenties and turned my attention to trying to reach for a career in media, I started to really understand that I was an anomaly. The creators and artists who made the fantastic universes I would get lost in wrote and drew what they knew. They were majority white, and even more majority male. I was an exception to the standard geek rule. So that meant I was in an even more exclusive club. I had panache. I was cool by virtue of my rarity, like an Action Comics #1! The rest of these guys were just silver foiled, variant covered 1991 X-Men #1’s! I started to find heroes like Luke Cage, The Falcon, Spawn, Cyborg, Bishop,John Stewart Green Lantern, Martian Manhunter (dammit, he’s no Martian, he’s a Space Brutha)  and Deathlok. Men who looked like me (except Deathlok, that bruh got jacked up!) rising up and being the hero of the story; fighting injustice. Being a black hero became so damned cool, they went and made honky Nick Fury into Shaft!!!! I still love that one, especially now that he’s a fan favorite.

Now I’m in my early 40’s I see a subtle shift. I take pride in the fact that Dwayne McDuffie (RIP) is one of the most revered writers and creators ever in comics. These days my extended family and many of my friends still don’t quite get the level to which I nerd out and I don’t bore them to sleep with my obsessions, but they see my happiness and they get that. Though they usually stop listening after I start discussing the scientific reasoning behind Superman’s powers or why Batman is still better (He’s the God Damned Batman!). Now that being geeky is a mainstream, popular thing, I’m pleased. It’s a Golden Age! Now that it is mainstream means that more and more young black men and women will discover the wonders of geekdom and not be faced with being so alone in a crowd, if you get what I mean.

I used to feel like the odd man out, but now I don’t feel so awkward as I attend comic cons. I feel like an attraction, but in the best, most positive way possible. Maybe that’s maturity and learning to accept who I am and not worry all that much with other’s impressions. I feel like I’m the voice there to keep it honest and not let things stay the way they have been. I’ve picked up the mantle and I’m one of the trailblazers now!

I was totally a nerd before it was cool.

Damn, does that make me a hipster? I do have a Chewbacca beanie…..

Superhero Black Out


If you’ve read any of my previous blog posts you have come to two realizations:

1. I am a serious geek.

This is my actual coffee table.

2. I have far too much free god damned time on my hands. See the above picture.

This blog is of a geek nature but within it there is a real social message. I watch a shit-ton of movies and read an equally shit-ton of comics and science fiction-ey books. While they are all mostly good and all that, there is a theme running through many, if not all, of them. Or lack thereof. Black heroes. Yes, I’m talking about black people. Where are they? What the fuck? I guess I should say where are all the upstanding, non-stereotypical portrayals of black people in comics, movies, and books. Black people make up like 1.3 billion of the world’s 6.7 billion people. By black I mean anyone of a dark chocolate or milk chocolate skin tone. With that many of us you would think that there would be some tall, dark, and bad-ass superheros and shit, right? You’d be super wrong. Let’s examine shall we?

1. You argue that one of the Green Lanterns is black. John Stewart. Sure, he’s bad-ass and has great powers and was gifted with a power ring and entrusted with the protection of Earth’s sector of space, buuuuuuuuut he was the god damned 3rd string Green Lantern after Hal Jordan and Kyle Rayner. Two white guys. Also, Stewart has a belligerent attitude towards authority figures. Just like a common stereotype of black men. Why the black dude gotta have issues? Everyone does! Let’s give everyone a problem, not just the scary black dude.

Seriously, The Green Lantern movie would have been better black. 🙂

2. Luke Cage. A man with invulnerable skin and super strength is awesome right? Hell yeah he is! Of course he can’t be too awesome because, well, he’s black and we can’t have black guys looking more heroic than their caucasian counterparts can we? Let’s make him a convict who volunteers for a top secret program to give him his Shaft-like BAMFYness! Then when he escapes from jail or whatever, have him become a hero for hire! Because lord knows those darkies won’t do anything for altruistic reasons! They like money too much! Uhh, give him a shitty catchphrase too! “Sweet Christmas?” “Perfect, let’s go to print!” “Susan, we need more cocaine!!!”

This was his original costume. Hey it was the 1970s. The drugs were good and plentiful.

3. The Falcon. Sam Wilson started out as a social worker determined to help inner city youth when he adopted a falcon anddonned a silly costume that let him fly. He has no powers other than being able to talk to birds or something. When you’re more shitty than Aquaman, there’s a problem. This back-story and intro was apparently too upstanding for the mainstream folks so they decided to retconn (retroactively going back and changing a character’s past or origin) it into him being a former thug and a pimp who was ‘angry at the world’ cause his mother was shot and killed. So he said, “Fuck this helping people noise, I’m gonna go get some bitches and make them earn dollas, fo sho!!” What the deuce?! Bruce Wayne’s parents are shot and killed by a mugger and he becomes the GOD DAMNED BATMAN!!! A black guy though? He turns criminal after one really bad break? Of course with the help of the terminally white Steve Rogers (Captain America) Wilson becomes a hero! So the black guy has to get help and be rehabbed by the incorruptible white man? Come on guys!! We aren’t all pimps and thugs.

Bitch, when I get back from superhero'n, you betta have my money.

4. Bishop. Lucas Bishop is a mutant from the future who goes back in time and joins the X-Men to possibly change the past  to prevent the terrible future he comes from. One where all mutants have been rounded up and put into concentration camps. That’s where he grew up, the little scamp! Since he’s black, he fails. Not once, not twice, but like three times. Then he decides to fuck it all and goes bad, becoming one of the X-Men’s main villains. Of course, he’s a loud, angry antihero. Maybe this is more from where he comes from and his experiences, but I don’t buy it. Why can’t you portray the minority as a stand-up good man? We exist, trust me.

Brutha, you seem easily upset....

5. Geordi LaForge. Star Trek: The Next Generation. It doesn’t just happen in comics, it happens in tv and films too. You might think a black chief engineer on the greatest fucking starship known to man would be the whizbang, and it would be if they hadn’t made that negro blind! Sure he got a visor that allowed him to see and shit and eventually got cyber eyes, but why do that to him in the first place? You’ll argue “Well, Picard had an artificial heart!” and I’ll counter-argue “Well that Frenchman got into a fucking barfight and was stabbed thru the heart!” That sure is a better ‘gettin’ bitches’ story than “I was born blind”. They couldn’t even make his disability cool. The one time he got close to scoring a chick? She was a holodeck recreation of a real scientist chick he had a crush on. He almost hooked up with the hologram too. Then he met the real chick and thought she would be all on his space nuts like a tribble, but then guess what? She rejected him. So he got cockblocked twice by the same chick essentially. Come on, they let the fucking android get some pussy! Not the darkman apparently.

This was just too cool to not put in here. This is how pimpin' LaForge should have been.

These are just a few examples that come to mind, but there are so many more out there. Take some time to sit and think about a black character that you would consider great like Superman, Batman, Captain America, or Capt. Kirk, Spock, or any of a number of sci-fi legends. When I was little I thought Darth Vader was black. Nevermind that Luke and Leia were white kids. I just assumed that nigga got with a white woman and had some light skinned chilrens. Then Return of the Jedi came and lo and behold…he was an old, white guy. Dammit!!!! Lando Calrissian was the shit, but the only black man in a whole galaxy? Really? Sure we got Mace Windu, but George Lucas muted everything that was fucking cool about Samuel “Motherfucking” Jackson by making him play Mace like he was Ed Begley Jr. Then there is Jar Jar Binks. The most annoying stereotype of a black man ever. He looked weird, talked weird, acted weird, was dumb as a box of rocks, and did I mention completely useless? Also, he was voiced by a black man, Ahmed Best. That says it all right there.

This was the only way this asshole was going to appear in my blog.

Look at the most recent X-Men: First Class for further proof that Hollywood has not learned and still sees minorities as secondary, throwaway characters. Without being too spoilery for those who haven’t seen it…they kill the half Latino-half Black mutant first. He’s named Darwin. Real name Armando Munoz. Seriously, a guy with a nickname that reeks of survival of the fittest……was killed FIRST. Was his power something super stupid and lame? No. He could adapt his body to survive most any environment or threat. Yet…..they find a way to kill him in the movie. In the comics he’s actually a cool character and does so much more than this throwaway role in the movie. The other minority character, Angel Maldonado, known as Angel (not the Warren Worthington one unfortunately) starts out as a stripper and then eventually becomes a villain. Quit whining, I’m not spoiling anything! If you are reading these geek shenanigans, odds are you have already seen the movie. So the remaining hero characters are all white and save the day. Two of the villains look physically menacing and different so they cannot hide their mutations. So the different looking, darker colored mutants are obviously the meanies? Of course. Let’s give one of them horns and a tail!!! The black man is the devil!!!! BOOOOOO!!!!! This movie takes place in a fictional version of the early 1960s. An era full of social and racial upheaval and you couldn’t at least let the brutha survive to the end of the movie?!!!

The X-Men before affirmative action.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love Pulp Fiction and Jules Winnfield. That nigga is the shit, but he’s still a bad man. The difference was he was so damned cool about it!!! Anybody who can rock a jheri-curl, spout out fake bible verses, and have a wallet with BAD MOTHERFUCKER on it is a straight up…well…..bad motherfucker. Again, the character was written by a crazy white dude. Albeit Tarantino grew up around black folks so his portrayal of black people was colored by his experiences around black people. Stereotype or not, anyone who has grown up or lived in the ghetto knows at least one scary black dude. My point is that these are the only ones that we get to see in popular entertainment these days. I guess I’m as guilty as anyone of perpetuating this situation by still watching, reading, and playing these properties. I just notice it more lately than I used to.

Nigga, what'd the fuck you say about my curl?

This subject I’m going black angry geek on was touched upon much better and funnier in “Chasing Amy.” Best part of that film, besides Jay and Silent Bob. I just was thinking about this subject and had to get it out of my system.  While playing a video game. I thought, “Why aren’t there any black or latino men or women portrayed as the hero of games. The main playable character? He or she is usually always Caucasian. If there is a black character, he is the sidekick or comic relief or cannon fodder. Is this blatant, purposeful racism? Nah, most times no. The majority of people who make movies, games, comics, books, and the like are white men. You create what you know and are familiar with and relate to so they write, create, draw, and digitize white dudes that have traits they most think they would have were they the character in the game. Stuff they think is cool. Women aren’t protrayed much better in science-fiction either. Either butched up man-haters or femmed up fighting in high heels and tight spandex. Either way they always have big tits and tight asses. Women and minorities are getting the shaft here! What gives, man?! Seriously, the real problem is there aren’t enough minorities within these jobs that would portray minorities as the great hero and maybe…one day…….a black person will make it to the end of a horror movie and be the survivor!

"Just give me all the darkies and I'll let the dumb white girl go."

Lawd knows I’m tired of it being the pretty white girl all the motherfucking time!!!

Unless my black ass gets to bang her first.