Stars and Stuff: Wizard World Austin 2012


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The Prose of Cons


Hiya everybody? How are you all? The Geekfather is here to glaze you with some more verbal love juice. I’m gonna give you guys my take on the Geekvengers recent comic convention experiences. I would have written this blog sooner, but I’ve not had a free weekend since the first weekend in October and Chocolate Machismo is very tired.

What is it like to attend a comic con? Well, it’s fucking fun as shit!!!! It’s like getting to eat the best burrito you’ve ever had in your life while Eliza Dushku/Alan Tudyk (choose your preference people) makes sweet love to you all the while Patrick Stewart is cheering, “Make it so, Number 1!!!” followed by you letting out the hugest fart and Bruce Campbell and Stan Lee both sniffing it while bowing to you.

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It’s just like this…except you’re 37 and the one dressed as Superman.

 
Okay, maybe not like that, but it is super awesome. We attended Dallas Fan Days on October 20th and Austin Comic Con on October 28th. Each convention is different and have their own pluses and minuses. After only our 3rd Con as a group, I have some observations and tips for those of you who may not have ever been and are on the fence. I want to help you be prepared so if you decide to go, you won’t run into a major snafu and be geek fubar’d. Like stuck in downtown Indianapolis at midnight with no money when it’s 33 degrees and you don’t have a cellphone or remember what hotel you and the lesbians you road-tripped with are staying at fubar’d. True story.

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The lesbian road trip was soooooooooooooo not like this.

On to my observations!!

 

 

1. Buy your tickets in advance. I don’t just mean tickets to get into the event, but ALL YOUR TICKETS. Autographs, photo ops, and VIP meet and greet packages for many of the Cons can be purchased early. I recommend it highly if you can afford it. If you want to nerd spooge all over your favorite nerd/geek/dweeb crush/love/obsession then this is the way to go. If it is offered, do it. Why? Because it guarantees you get to stand in one less God forsaken line, that’s why! As nerds we are all used to standing in line and waiting to get in another line to wait some more. I think the Nerd Gods do it on purpose, those cunts. The headaches and time you waste will be greatly decreased, which means more time for you to think of what unintelligible babble you’re going to vomit all over Felicia Day when she looks at you with those big, purty eyes of hers.

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I either said, “Hubgagbaabbbagooo!” or “Hi!” I don’t remember which.

 

 

2. Treat the celebrities like human beings. Just because you’ve watched them on television or in movies since you learned to rub and tug or diddle the fiddle doesn’t immediately make them your bestest buddy in the universe. Also don’t assume they remember every episode ever of every show they’ve ever been in. For them, it was a job that had the great fortune of turning into a once in a lifetime opportunity that catapulted them to geek icon status. Many of them have fave episodes or stuff they’ve done, but they aren’t nitpicking this stuff like we are. Do you remember every day of work you’ve ever had, even the exceptional ones? Most likely, no. Neither do they. Praise them on their work and say you’re a huge fan, but don’t go on and on about how you have an action figure of them. Just because Michael Biehn was impressed when I told him that doesn’t make it a good idea. Ask them how they like whatever city you are in. Small talk them a bit. Keep it cool. Don’t get too personal. Don’t be an asshole. I’ve found I’ve had some of the most engaging conversations and experiences with celebrities when I just ignore the fact that they are famous and just see the person behind the character. That’s how you end up fist-bumping with LeVar Burton and asking him why they didn’t give that bruh no space vagina on Star Trek: TNG.

 
His answer? “Ask the white writers.” DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN! I didn’t know Mr. Reading Rainbow was so gangsta angry!

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He was Kunta Kinte angry!!!!

Seriously, though, just swallow some bravery and talk to them. You will quickly discover the great celebs and the complete douchecannons, just like in real life. So always keep your expectations in check.

 

 

3. Be prepared for the unexpected. Things happen. Celebrities schedules change and they can’t make the event you had planned to go to, and often it is at the last second. Don’t let it get you down. Save that Princess Leia action figure for the next time you get a chance to cry over Carrie Fisher. Let go of your boiling anger at having missed Eliza Dushku. Relax your nerd loins. Just go with the flow. Like with us, we were disappointed with the lack of celebrity interviews we got, but Cons have rules and you have to respect those rules, even if you disagree with them. I remember going to Star Wars Celebration III in Indianapolis in April I believe. Well, there was a cold snap and it fucking snowed the 2nd day we were there. Folks waiting outside in costume for the Flannel One himself, George Lucas, got soaked and were freezing. You just never know. Always roll with the punches.

 

 

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“Dammit, we lost Marselles…AGAIN.”

4. Stick to your plan. You plan to go with a group of people? Always be sure you have each other’s cellphone numbers, have your phones charged, bring a charger with you, and just in case, have a set location and time for your group to meet at the convention. Also, always have cash on you. These events aren’t debit or credit card friendly. These events get massive and you will lose people in the crowds. IT WILL HAPPEN. We’re nerds. We are attracted to shiny baubles and nerd-knacks. One minute you’re walking along with your buddies and then you see a hot geek woman whose whole breastesses except the nipples are just all out like clothes don’t exist in this universe, the next thing you know, you’re Alice and you’ve gone down the rabbit hole. Take the red pill and just enjoy it. Seriously, though, if you do bring kids along, take pictures of them and designate a safe location they should head to if they get lost if they don’t have their own cellphone.

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5. Bring an assistant. This is for you costuming people. While dressing up as a stormtrooper or as Batman is seriously cool, they aren’t traditionally known for their ample pocket storage space or their ability to sit down. That’s why you need an assistant. Someone to carry your wallet or purse, someone to hold your helmet when you need to actually breathe so you don’t..you know…die, and someone to take pictures for all the jabronies who want to take a bajillionty pictures with you. For the ladies who feel the desire to dress in the most skintight, revealing, provocative, suggestive, and absolutely filthy costumes…please keep doing that. Chocolate Machismo approves and endorses this behavior. Also, bring a trusted male friend or female friend to help keep the geek creepers away and even sometimes the celebrities. I’m not naming names. Let’s say it rhymes with Moo Furrigknow. Ahem.

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“Seriously, bro, YOU tell him to stop hitting on your girlfriend. You want I have 911 on standby?”

 

 

6. Be patient. The lines will be long. Stars go on breaks. Q&A lines turn into pits of despair from which no one can escape. This is where patience comes in. It is one of two things that will keep your sanity and prevent you from stabbing that guy in line after the 100th time he’s told you he “fist-bumped with LeVar Burton.” “What’s the other thing, Marselles?” Water. Seriously, I get so fucking thirsty at these things it’s not funny. It’s like they suck the juice right from your lips with their sorcerer’s ways and put all the water fountains and soda stands at the farthest point from where you are currently dying of thirst, no matter where that may be.

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“FUCK…Steve has my wallet.”

And finally…..

7. Don’t squander your opportunities. If you have a shot at meeting one of your idols or someone you have nerdmired forever and two days, then by all means, get their autograph. Get their photo. Say hello. Get a photo with them. That may cost you money, but when your friends come over to your place and you see the geek jealousy spilling from their eyes as they stare upon your picture of you and Stan Lee kicking it like you’re best buds, it will have paid for itself. The one thing that won’t cost you money? Just walking up to them, shaking their hand, and telling them how much what they do means to you. They love to hear that. Really. Artists, actors, writers…they all love to get validation that what they are doing matters and makes a difference in someone’s life. That’s part of the reason they do what they do, besides loving it. That’s also why 90 percent of them go…for that fan connection. Don’t ever leave a convention with any regret.

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Only an empty wallet and a content geek heart.

The Geek Commandments


1. Han shot first. There is no debate. Only assholes and douchebags think otherwise. Any other way it changes the very essence of who Han Solo is and lessens the impact of his character growth through the original trilogy. I don’t give a flying kung-fu fuck what George Lucas says to pull his ass out of yet another mistake he made in shitting all over his work. He’s wrong.

2. Thou shall see at least 3 midnight-showings a year. Any less and you’re just the tag along girlfriend/sibling/clueless friend/unfortunate parent/etc. You must also include a rousing group of ne’er do wells for the utmost level of geek tomfoolery and shenanigans. Costumes are encouraged. If you can actually get women to still come along after all that, you will be considered the ‘geek pimp’ of the group. Also, going to the midnight shows cuts way down on the ‘screaming baby’ and ‘douchebag jabrony’ chances by a factor of 10.

Wouldn't you rather be in a theater with these peeps than a bunch of screaming babies?

3. Thou shall suppress thine fanboyism. No one likes an over-obsessive fanboy who cries in his C-3PO cereal about the direction that the new Superman reboot is taking or that Spider-Man’s costume in the new-new reboot isn’t how it’s supposed to be or that Thor doesn’t have the silly little wings on his helmet in the movie like he does in the comics or that Chris Evans will suck as Captain America. You will give yourself an aneurysm so stop it. Nothing will live up to your expectations. Things will be changed or tweaked. As long as they don’t dick with things that completely change the whole nature of the thing (see commandment #1) then just enjoy it if it’s good or hate it on the basis that it sucks donkey nuts. Hate ‘Daredevil’ the movie because Ben Affleck sucks not because the Kingpin was black and not white like in the comics.

They can't be bargained with, they can't be reasoned with, they've never felt a real woman's boobies, and they absolutely will not stop, until your experience is ruined!


4. Thou shall restrict the geek talk to like-minded individuals. Nothing is worse than carrying on a geekversation with yourself…out loud. Just because someone asks you, “How strong is Superman?” doesn’t mean that is an invitation to assail them with an extended dissertation about his powers and where they are derived from. Be simple. Explain simple. “He’s really strong and shit.” is acceptable. Anything more and a regular person’s eyes will glaze and they will drift away back to normalworld.  How can you tell who is a like minded-individual? The dude wearing the ‘Han Shot First’ tee shirt is a safe bet. The fat guy behind the counter at any comic shop is another.

They really do exist. Trust me.

5. Thou shalt not belittle someone for liking shit you don’t. This is a rule I stick by religiously. There is stuff out there that even I, Uber-Geek of the Order of the Nerd, think is entirely too fucking nerdy. Things like ‘Magic the Gathering’ or ‘World of Warcraft’ or having a mock funeral for a fictional Star Wars character. People I know have done that last one. Really. No shit. However, I will not ridicule the person for liking to do these things. They are just not for me. Twilight is gay and retarded. The people who like it are not. They just are misguided. Kidding! Seriously, though…it sucks. Justin Bieber is a complete tool, but 13 year old girls fawn for that shit like grown geek men do for Battlestar Galactica. Does that make them bad and to be hated? No, it just makes them tasteless. 13 year old girls have no taste. That’s just the way that is, but they like what they like. I don’t hate on them for it. I blame that Bieber thing.

So...yeah.

6. Thou shall not ignore comics and books. Found a bad ass tv show that you like or a seriously rocking movie has become your new fave? Odds are it existed in book form first. ‘The Walking Dead’ tv show is fierce and all kinds of awesome. The comic series is ten times as good and more in depth. There are magically awesome things out there in print that will blow your mind. Didn’t like the ‘Watchmen’ movie? Read the graphic novel instead. Better. ‘Wanted’ the movie ate chunks? Read the graphic novel instead. Better. From ‘Preacher’, ‘Y: The Last Man, ‘World War Z’, to ‘100 Bullets’, and on and on. Go to your local book store or comic shop and just grab a few issues or ask the fat guy behind the counter. Odds are he’s been jonesing since lunch to vomit his opinion all over you about how awesome something is. Don’t show fear. They smell fear…..

You know you wanna read. It's good for you! There are pictures.

7. Thou shall not be ‘that geek’. What do I mean? I mean don’t be that person who looks down their nose at someone because they don’t know that there are seven forms of lightsaber combat (yes, there are seven. Sad that I know this) or they don’t know that Superman doesn’t need to eat food. He only does it because it makes him feel like people. Awwww! Generally, just try not to be a douchebag and ridicule someone when they say they’ve never seen ‘Star Wars’. Responding with, “Holy shit, you’ve NEVER SEEN STAR WARS?! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS?!!!” increases your chances of being bludgeoned by 50%.

WHAT?! BLASPHEMY!!!!!

8. Thou shall let thy regular friends be. We all have them, right nerds? You know, the ones who don’t understand why you had to see ‘The Dark Knight’ 4 times in 5 days or say “Chewbacca? Isn’t he in that Star Trek?” They probably would enjoy a good geek sci-fi flick or property, but they wouldn’t grasp the depth of the whole thing and appreciate it like you do. You can’t possibly explain to them why Farscape was one of the best shows on tv or that they need to be watching Fringe or even why the book is better than the movie. They’re too busy watching those Jersey Shore d-bags to really care. So stop trying to convince them to come to the geek-side and just accept their limitations for what they are.

A handy guide for people who have lives...

9. Thou shall find a geek haven and make it yours. Odds are you aren’t exactly swimming in the popularity pool if you have chosen the path of the geek. It is not always an easy road to travel, especially when you are younger. Adult geeks aren’t ridiculed as much, but you always have to watch out for the standard Cobra Kai wanna be from time to time. So all geeks need a ‘Hall of Justice’ or a ‘Watchtower’ where they can proudly let their geek flag fly. It could be a comic shop, maybe a movie theater, or even a bookstore. Wherever you choose, make it somewhere that other geeks frequent and that makes you feel comfortable and able to ‘nerd out’ all you want. Me personally I love Alamo Drafthouse movie theaters. The one I love has a comic shop attached to it!!!! All it needs now is a strip club and I’m set.

Yes, just like this.

10. Thou shall band together. Watch out for your fellow geek. Stand up for them. Be the voice. Speak up. We have power. We can crush with knowledge. We can cut with words. We are legion for we are many. Make people understand that being a geek will…

A. Get you made

b. Get you paid

c. Get you laid.

You think Christopher Nolan was the cool kid in school? You think Bill Gates got to bang the cheerleader? Probably not. Before Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook, how much trim do you think he got? After? Well, I damn well bet it’s more than he did before. You have to work at it, but you can parlay your geekiness into some awesome shit that will get you swimming in money, geek street-cred, bitches(manly geeks for you ladies), and..did I mention money?

He's laughing at you. Not pictured...his bitches. Also not pictured....his 7 billion dollars. Now go back to Farmville.


Comic-Con will get you laid. Having an insane amount of money also works.


LEGION!

Now, before you say anything about my use of language or have an issue with my non-PCness. Fuck off. I don’t care. This is my blog. I’m a geek. Proud of it. I am the one that many of my fellow geek friends look to for guidance. Cause, you know, I’m awesome. 🙂