Teenage Mutant Ninjacking Turtle!


*DISCLAIMER* THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING. YOU WON’T LOOK AT NINJA TURTLES THE SAME IF YOU READ THIS. IF YOU CHOSE TO CONTINUE, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. YOU’LL EITHER LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF OR NEVER COME HERE AGAIN.

 

 

 

 

Michelangelo was in his room relaxing after yet another tough street fight with the Foot Clan. He and his brothers fought Shredder and tore him a new turtlehole as usual. He retreated like a punk bitch as usual. While on the way home, Rocksteady and Beebop thought they could take advantage of the situation, but those fools got schooled too.
“No chance.” Mikey mumbled out loud to himself. Mikey was so awesome during that fight, literally yelling out “I’m righteous wicked, dude!!!!” He was chilling out waiting for the pizza guy to show (why they allow the pizza guy to see their hidden underground lair was beyond him) when his thoughts drifted to April O’Neil, the crack field reporter. She was always there on the scene, getting footage of them, helping in their fight, and inevitably needing their protection. His room was adorned with a disturbing amount of pictures of her, especially involving her ample breasts.
Mikey realized his little turtle was out of its shell. He was a teenager and the hormones were strong, even more so enhanced by the green radioactive ooze. Daredevil went blind and got enhanced senses and sonar, while all Mikey got was becoming a teenage mutant ninja turtle that got the most inappropriate monster boners. Right now was one of those times. “I got time before the pizza gets here! I can’t deny the TURTLE POWER!!!!!”
He found himself staring at all his April pictures on his wall like a horny teenager…who happens to be a six foot seven, 450lb turtle. Leo, Raph, and Donnie all thought he was crazy for being hot for a human woman. Raph was always saying “Turtles can’t bone people, ya numbskull!!! There are laws!” Well, he was a dreamer! Those titties of hers were always straining against her stupid yellow jumpsuit. “How many of those fucking things does she own?” Mikey thought to himself. Those thoughts led him to pull out “The Box” under his bed. The one that had the ‘more adult’ stuff he had of hers, which included a pair of her panties. Mikey had lifted a pair from her dresser when they were scouting her apartment after they first met her. Raph said it was to make sure she was “Cool n’ shit.” The panties were yellow. All of her panties were yellow. “What’s her deal with yellow, anyway?” He figured she wouldn’t miss a pair.
“Oh, April, let me help you out your jumpsuit…oh what I’m going to do to you…” Mikey was now in full furious stroke when April burst into his room..
“MIKEY!!! WE GOT A LEAD ON…..HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!!!!” April was mortified.
Mikey recoiled in shock and embarrassment. He fumbled with her panties and was trying to put his monster back in the shell.
“THE FUCK, MIKEY?! HOW DID YOU GET A PAIR OF MY PANTIES?! WHY WERE YOU MASTURBATING WITH THEM? GOD, WHY DOES YOUR PENIS LOOK LIKE THAT ALIEN GOO SNAKE FROM ‘PROMETHEUS’?! Even in absolute horrific shock, April still asked a ton of questions.
Mikey paused, still holding her yellow panties, “Uhhhh, what answer would get you to not tell Master Splinter about this? I mean, I borrowed a pair from your dresser when we were scoping your pad, dude. They were all yellow! I didn’t think you’d miss one pair! As for my penis, I’m a turtle. I have a turtle dick. You ever see a turtle dick?”
“NOOOOOOO!!!!! EWWWW!!!! WHY WOULD I LOOK FOR TURTLE DICK ON THE INTERNET?!” April was fuming now
“Curiosity? Once you go green…..”
“AHHHHGGGGHHH!!!! NOOO!!! THOSE WERE MY FAVORITE PAIR!!!! April interrupted.
Mikey was puzzled. “How can you tell?”
“I…JUST KNOW! DON’T JUDGE ME!!! MASTER SPLINTER!!!!! COME HERE!!!” The judgment in April’s eyes was unmistakable. Her eyes narrowed. “You’re so busted.”
Master Splinter appeared as if out of nowhere into the doorway, looking very grim and serious as always. “What….is the problem, my dear April?”
“I caught MICHELANGELO plaaaaaaying with himself while fondling and sniffing my panties!!!”
Splinter looked away from April and directly at a very guilty Mikey. “Yes….your favorite yellow ones…” Splinter whispered softly to himself with a wistful glint in his eye.
April shot a glare at Splinter. “What?!” Splinter recovered like a ninjitsu  master. “Oh, nothing, nothing.” Splinter rose, back straight, “MICHELANGELO!!!!! YOU HAVE BROUGHT SHAME UPON THIS HOUSE!!! APOLOGIZE AT ONCE FOR YOUR DEVIANT BEHAVIOR!!!!”
Mikey was still trying to shrink his boner now hidden under his Incredible Hulk bed sheets. He was still staring at her breasts, which seemed to heave to and fro and almost throb on their own. How did her top remain closed. It was like she was wearing a smedium on purpose. “I’m sorry, April. I hadn’t ever planned for you to catch me ninjacking…”
“LOOK AT HER EYES!!!!” Splinter commanded. He was staring at her chest too, but he was better at hiding it. He missed being a human at times like this so much. Mikey raised his eyes to meet April’s. “I’m sorry. Do….you…want your panties back, dude?”
“EWWW, NOOOO!!!! BURN THOSE!!!!” April yelled. Then, composing herself, said more calmly “It is ok, I GUESS. Just…give me a lot of space. I don’t want to see you near my stuff again!”
Mikey looked over at Splinter, who returned his gaze with a look of stern disapproval. The stare burned through Mikey’s soul. “Ok.” Mikey said with the tone of a child who disappointed his parent.
“April, I apologize for my student’s actions. I will reprimand him accordingly. He will learn his lesson well.” Splinter was shrunken now in his standard slumped posture, as if asking for April’s forgiveness.
“Good! I’m…going to go now and pretend I never had this experience.I don’t know why I thought a turtle dick would look like a human dick.I need a drink.” The words trailed off as she rushed out the door.
Splinter stared at Mikey for what seemed like a 1,000 years before he finally spoke. “Michelangelo, what is the lesson to learn from this?”
Mikey thought hard for a moment then offered his answer, “Don’t masturbate, Master Splinter?”
“NO!!!” Splinter bellowed. “LOCK. YOUR. DOOR.” Splinter looked at him more softly now. “Now, put away your weapon and wash your hands. The pizza is here. Don’t touch mine, please.”
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Mystery Dick Theater: Cock’s Last Day


This blog is about dicks; not figurative dicks, but literal dicks.

“Uh, ok.” I can hear you say it now, but bear with me. I had posted an article on my Facebook profile a few days ago about NBA player and doofus Draymond Green “accidentally” posting a picture to his entire Snapchat TL of his penis. My dear friend Elizabeth Anne Hamilton and I entertained ourselves immensely and gloriously lewdly posting comments about it as if his penis was getting a performance review from the boss.  Here now, is how, if his dick was being reviewed like they do in the workplace, I think it would go….

Big Dick (President and founder of Big Dick Pics): “Cock! Cock Johnson! Cum in here!”

In strolls Cock to Dick’s office, erect, excited to receive a stroking. “What’s up, Big Dick?! You yelled for me?”

Big Dick: “So we need to talk about your performance….”

Cock: “Damn straight! You like that Dick Pic I dropped on that girl’s Snapchat?! I was all oiled up and shiny, like a boss!” Cock was pleased with himself as he gently throbbed.

BD: “Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that CJ. That pic went to EVERYONE’S TL, you penis! Which would be salvageable, but, well….you were looking listless and droopy. The Lighting was poor!  I really think you could do better. Have you considered further training?”

CK: “I don’t understand BD. I flog everyday!!! Never skip a day!!!  I’m like a rock!”

BD: “Well, by the looks of this pic, more like a soft pebble. Maybe you’re jacking too hard? Maybe you need some help? Viagra? Your medical plan covers it. You should look into it. You know how us older penises get. I take it, there’s no shame there.”

CK: “Fuck that, BD! I don’t use performance enhancers!!! That’s for those bullshit movie penises! I’m a real phallus! I go all natural.”

BD: “Can you maybe get more erect?”

CK: “Dammit boss, I am ballin’ so hard! I’m one of your best members! I mean, I know I’m not as big as Mandingo Jones, but I got moves! I work what I got.”

BD: “Mandingo is our star right now, Cock. He’s like a battering ram. He’s curiously frightening, which is good. You’ve fallen off. We hired you because of your plucky spirit and you were always ready to go at a moment’s notice. The hint of cleavage, a wisp of panty line, a breeze…and you sprung into action.  Now….you’re soft.  I’m afraid I’m going to have to write you up for a poor attitude. Please bear in mind you have been warned. The next time we catch you sleeping on the job, you’re sacked.”

Cock Johnson begins to throb faster now. Part anger and part sadness, he bursts into tears. “I’m…I’m not 17 anymore…I….I’ve been having trouble at home…and…..” The throbbing is now reaching a crescendo.

BD: Oh, no, stop crying……. OH GOD, THOSE AREN’T TEARS!!! WHAT IS THAT COMING OUT OF YOUR EYE? DAMMIT, COCK, YOU’RE FIRED!!! We can’t have that kind of a mess here! After that outburst, I’m afraid you’ll need to pack up your desk and leave the premises. We can’t have that kind of a mess here.

CK, between spurts: “Is there severance pay?”

BD: “WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT!!!!!” Big Dick hardens himself, “I’m afraid I can’t answer questions about unemployment insurance. You’ll need to contact HR about that. Also, I’m afraid our company will not be giving you a reference. Now, pack your things and security will help you pull out.”

Cock is now deflated. He feels half the size he was when he walked in the office. “I can’t believe I’ve been dicked. What will I do now?” Cock mutters to himself as he hangs a left down the exit hallway….

There you are. That’s where my brain went with that. Go find the original thread on my page. Until next time!

PILLOW, TIMMY!

Episode 3: The Holidays Awaken


 

 

On this episode, Lil Bit and I discuss unending Force Awakens trailers, best Christmas gifts evah, holiday memories, wishlists, and I beg just about the entire known universe for an Xbox One. So click the picture and sit down for an hour of fun and geek frivolity! We’ll be back soon with all new musings and rants to sate your geek appetite.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, VENGERS!!!

They’re Not After Our Scooby Snacks, Gang!


They're all smiling 'cause they just finished hot boxing the van.

 


The sun was hanging high in the sky, raining sunshine down onto the gang. They were cruising in their Mystery Machine, relaxing after another successful solving of a case. Shaggy was driving with Daphne riding shotgun and Fred, Velma, and Scooby-Doo hanging out in the back.

Shaggy: “Hey Scoob, pass me a sandwich man, cause I’m like, starving up here!”

Scoob: “Oray Raggy!!! Ru runt rayonnaise on it?!”

Shaggy: “Sure do Scoob! That sounds deeeeeelicious! Mmmmmm, nothing better than a peanut butter and mayo sandwich!!!”

Scooby hands Shag the sandwich and Shag proceeds to take a huge bite, slathering a mix of mayo and pb on his face. Daphne looks over at Shag and becomes visibly disgusted.

And you thought I was making this up.

 


Daphne: “Shaggy, that is gross!! You look like an idiot with that mayo on your face.”

Shag: “At least the white shit on my face is mayo and not jizz you vapid, horny skankbag. Right Scoob?!”

Scoob: “HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!! RIGHT!!! Rou rell her Raggy!!! Rucking Ritch!”

Daphne: “Fuck you, Norville! You and your fucktard dog can suck a dick. Shit, maybe you guys do already.”

With that comment, Shaggy reaches over and backhands Daphne.

Shag: “Don’t you ever call me Norville you cocktease! You’ve been teasing Fred for 40 fucking years now. His balls are so damned blue, they look like two Smurfs pressing their asses together.”

Daphne retreats from Shaggy, holding her cheek. Fred decides to come to the aid of Daphne.

Fred: Shaggy!!! Stop it. There was no need for that!!! You should apologize for what you’ve done!”

Shag: “Like, kiss my stoned ass Fred. Why don’t you take that sissy scarf of yours and your blue balls and give Velma a ride. Better yet, I’ll let Scoob fuck her. Maybe if she got manly Scooby-dick and not that number 2 pencil like yours she would come back from the land of the carpet grazers!!! Right Scoob?!”

Scooby: “Right Raggy! Ret me ruck her!!! I’ll rear rat ass out!!! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!”

Velma: “Go play in traffic Shaggy. You had your chance with me remember? All I can recall was a limp dick, you junky. I had to go get my jinkies off with Daphne after we busted Old Man Witherspoon.”

Daphne: “Uhhhhhhh…..”

Don't lie....you've thought about it.


The argument continued inside the Green Machine as they rocketed down the highway. They were so involved in their own fight that they didn’t notice 3 unmarked Suburbans following them. The agents inside were getting antsy, ready to make their move.

Agent Weed: “We’ve got them now, eh Agent Stoner?”

Agent Stoner: “Fuckin’ A. Let’s wait until we have our state trooper backup, then we’ll spring the trap. These drug smuggling motherfuckers are going down!!!!”

The van continued along for another few miles on an open and semi-crowded stretch of interstate, Shaggy kept hounding everyone in the van.

Shag: “…..And that’s why I think you all suck!”

Scoob: “HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!! Exrept re, right Raggy?”

…….

Scoob: “Raggy?

…….

Scoob: “Ruck rou then rotherrucker!!!! Rats ruh ras rime I rake rou a randrich!!!!!”

Scooby-Doo, being the smart, investigative Great Dane that he is, looked out the van’s rear window and noticed that they were being tailed by no less than 5 state troopers and 3 SUVs. He knew immediately who they were and why they were after the van.

Scoob: “RAGGY, RIT’S RUH RUCKING R.E.A.!!!!”

Fred: “Who?”

Scoob: “Ruh R.E.A.!”

Velma: “Damn Scooby, we can’t fucking understand you, you lispy dumb fuck!!!! Speak clearly!”

Scooby: “Raggy, rhet me rhill ris ritch? Rease?!!!”

Shag: “No, Scoob, we need her for negotiation!!! He said D.E.A. Velma! Now shut the fuck up so I can think!!! FUCK!!! How’d they find us?! I thought we cleaned out all our weed stashes and closed the meth-lab?”

Velma: “Negotiations? A METH-LAB?! What the hell are you guys doing while we are solving cases?!”

Fred & Daphne: “Yeah, what the hell?!”

Shag: “We’re making sure we didn’t run outta jack you retards!!! Like, you think ghostchasing pays the bills? None of you have ever had a job, yet you ride around in my sweet van eating my food and pissing me off!! Me and Scoob had to improvise.”

Daphne: “By selling drugs?!”

Shaggy: “I didn’t hear you complaining when I was supplying your ganj, bitch!”

Daphne: “I thought…..that was just for us…”

Shaggy: “Whatever you brickhead. Now get in the back on your knees and do what you are good at…nothing!”

Graphical representation of just how useless Daphne actually is.



By now, the SUV containing Agents Weed & Stoner were in the lead. Agent Stoner gets on the loudspeaker:

“ATTENTION!!!! WE HAVE YOU!!!! SURRENDER AND YOU WILL NOT BE HURT!!! STOP THE VAN AND COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS AND PAWS UP!!!”

Agent Weed: “Get ready Stoner, just in case they don’t give up.”

Fred, Velma, & Daphne: “Stop the van!!!”

Shag: “Okay, I’m gonna stop the van. Scoob, you know what to do?”

Scoob: “Ramn right. Ret’s rhet rum (let’s get some)!!!!!”

The Mystery Machine slows, pulls to the side of the road, and stops. All of the pursuing law enforcement vehicles stop and block the road. Agents Weed and Stoner exit their SUV and draw their weapons.

Agent Weed: “Give it up Rogers!!! We know you’re in there. We just want you and the dog. Don’t make this harder!!!!”

Shag: “You can’t get hard you pig!!!! Eat me fucker!!! Do it Scoob!!!”

Scoob: “Rokay!!!”

Scooby opens a hidden panel in the floor revealing M-16s, AK-47s, some RPGs, and a minigun. Scooby sets up the gatling cannon and kicks open the back door of the van………

Indescriminate Movie Cop with a Porn ‘Stache #1: “That fucking dogs got a God-damned MINIGUN!!!!!” Go for cover!!!!!”


Years on the road had made Shagg and Scoob hawwwwwwd motherfuckers. They just played dumb for the rest of the gang.


Scooby pulls the trigger and let’s loose a full burst of automatic gatling cannon fire like something out of a movie. The agents dive behind their vehicles for cover just as the rounds tear into their cars. The sound of the bullets shredding the cop’s and agent’s cars is only outdone by the buzzing roar of the gatling cannon.

Something from a movie…who doesn’t like Old Painless??!!!! Seriously

Scooby: “Rhet rum rockruckas!!!!” (Get some cocksuckers!!!)

Velma: “JINKIES!!!!!!”

Shag: “ZOINKS!!!!! Shut er down Scoob, we gotta get outta here!!!!”

Fuckin' jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinkies!!!!!! Whew...ok, back to the story...


Scooby stops shooting and dumps the heavy gun, now out of ammo. He pulls out one of the M-16s with a 40mm tube launcher attached under the barrel. He aims for the lead SUV and pulls the launcher trigger….BLOOOOOP!!!

Scoob: “Ray rherrooooo roo my rittle rend!!!!!”

Agent Stoner and Weed run and barely get clear as the grenade impacts their suburban and explodes, sending the SUV flipping into the air, landing on top of Indescriminate Movie Cop with a Porn ‘Stache #1’s (we’ll call him IMCPS from here on) cruiser, causing it to explode thereby taking out a soccer mom mini-van nearby.

Agent Stoner looked so much like Harrison Ford it was uncanny.

 



Mrs. McGuillicutty!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Damn you meddling kids!!!!

 


Shag: “Yeah!!!! We’re outta here!!!!”

Daphne: “Guns, drugs, shooting cops….My God Shaggy, what’s next?!”

Velma: “I think it’s kind of hot. What can I do to help?”

Fred: “I think I pissed myself.”

The van’s tires squeal in protest as it rockets away from a dead stop, it hurtles down the road, trying to distance itself from the law that will most certainly pursue. Scooby, noticing the growing wet spot on Fred’s corduroy slacks, has to take a shot at him.

Scoob: “Russy. Rhet me root him Raggy…..”

Now wanted felons, the gang modified how they operated just a little....