*DISCLAIMER* THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING. YOU WON’T LOOK AT NINJA TURTLES THE SAME IF YOU READ THIS. IF YOU CHOSE TO CONTINUE, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. YOU’LL EITHER LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF OR NEVER COME HERE AGAIN.
I was totally a nerd before it was cool.
Damn, does that make me a hipster? I do have a Chewbacca beanie…..
People ask me why I am doing this. Why am I chasing down this dream of becoming a professional, paid geek entertainer, podcaster, and voice actor? Where did you get this drive to do what needs to be done to make it happen?
To answer that question, I have to go back to July 6th, 1975, when I was born to Carolyn and Donald Coe. That was a year of the rabbit in the Chinese Zodiac. Why does that matter? Well, the traits of men born in the year of the rabbit are:
“…those who always treat people politely, with a gentle smile that makes people feel that they are credible and sincere. When meeting trouble, Rabbits can handle it in an orderly way; when encountering tough difficulties they are never discouraged, but are persistent to seek solutions. So they eventually achieve enviable success.”
Enviable success? I like that.
So I’m totally destined for greatness?
Perhaps, but having those traits doesn’t guarantee anything. I still needed the nurturing and the constant push to speak up, to do the right things by people, to make them laugh, to make them happy. I credit my mother with this, the toughest woman I have ever known. She came from South Central Los Angeles and could survive almost anything. She showed my sister and I how to take life’s punches and punch back. I never saw her complain or quit, and she had every right and reason to. I used to ask her why she never gave up. My mother always said, “Baby, I never was given the choice. I have you and your sister. You need me.” She loved my voices I made and how I made her laugh, and fed my burgeoning geekiness. She encouraged me to be me. She said if I could overcome my shyness, I could do wonders with what she says God has gifted me.
I always thought I was ugly and odd shaped. I would hide and make my voice small, freezing up when I had to speak in class or give a presentation. I sneaked silently through school, only really being myself around my trusted friends. They had always told me, “Your voice is great! You should do radio! Cartoons! Something! You could be the new Movie Trailer Guy! You are funny, seriously. You can do it!” I would say, “No, I’m nowhere near as talented as Don LaFontaine!” They’d say, “Who?” I would roll my eyes, “How do you not know who that is?!” I just didn’t think I was worthy of the success I craved, the goal I desired. I thought that my heart disease, low self esteem, and size wouldn’t allow me to be anything other than invisible.
After the deaths of too many friends and family before their time, including my mother and father, I realized there was no right moment. I had to push myself to believe I had talent and, most importantly, that I was worthy of success. I had to make it happen. I had to make it the right moment. So with that in my heart and the integral help of my brothers Timmy Stewart, Alex Trevino, we formed The GeekVengers. We started small with local conventions here and there locally, did some videos, and had a blast. They gave me the mic and put me out front. “Use your natural humor and charisma! Fuck the fear!” I did just that and at our very first convention we met and interviewed Jennifer “Lil Bit” Adams. I had no idea at the time how that singular event would chart the course of my life going forward. 4 years later, with some heartbreaking subtractions and some wonderful additions like Adam Garcia, Courtney Goodrum, The Blurred Nerds Podcast, and GVTV, we are going strong and growing stronger.
This is my calling. This is my focus. This is my destiny.
“No spoilers!!” Yeah, we all know that one person or group of people that moan about spoilers for shows and movies they haven’t watched. They usually see your Facebook or Twitter post about something they haven’t seen and they just can’t resist clicking on it like a heroin addict chasing the dragon. Then they loudly type, “NO SPOILERS!!! I HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET!!!!”.
There are legit times in which to proclaim your fear of spoilers, but this blog isn’t about that. This blog is about the people who call NO SPOILERS about shit they have no right to still be claiming no spoilers on. I always have to resist my desired reaction when I hear no spoilers.
Person: “No Spoilers!!!”
Me: (Punches person) “There. Were you surprised? Hell of a twist, right?!”
So, this is when you can’t claim NO SPOILERS:
1. When the show or movie is years old. Just because YOU haven’t seen the cartoon, movie, or tv show in question and EVERYONE else has, doesn’t mean you can jump into the conversation and cry about being spoiled. Fucking catch-up, you lazy bastard! You’ve had YEARS. Either move into that cave you’ve been eying or join us in the 21st century and fucking Netflix, Amazon, Hulu, or Youtube that shit. Borrow your friend’s collection. Whatever.
Person: “Holy shit, did you know that Vader is Luke’s father?!!!!”
Me: “Where the fuck you been, dude?!!!”
2. When you have no intention of watching whatever it is that is being talked about. I listened to my friends go on about Doctor Who and other shit that I was actively not watching and was in no danger of watching. Not once did a desire rise in me to chastise them for discussing it in my presence on the small percent chance that I would decide to start watching and remember that one specific conversation and be crestfallen as my experience would be completely ruined!!! “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! The whole show is now ruined for me because I know about that one thing that happened that one time!!!!! RAAAAAAAGE!!!!!”
3. When you are not part of the conversation. Whether it be on the internet or in person, it is not ok for you to shoehorn your C ass into an A and B conversation. It’s like people get the shakes when they hear other people’s conversations about geek shit and can’t……keep……out…of…..it. Just keep away and find something constructive to do. When you are surfing the internet, don’t click the link when it says things like, “Holy shit Breaking Bad!!!!”, “Can you believe Dexter?!!!! Deb is craaaaazy!!!!”, or anything else of that nature. You will be spoiled in that thread and when that happens, it is only you that is to blame. That’s like you running into a burning building and then bitching about when you catch on fire.
4. You have actively chosen to spoil yourself. This should be self explanatory and sheer common sense, but we’re geeks and we just can’t resist. You might think this is just like #3, but it isn’t. #3 was all about jumping into someone else’s convo while this is all about you and your personal willpower and responsibility. No one is twisting your arm or talking near you about it. You just can’t stop yourself. I have a dear close friend of mine who devoured every tidbit of information about Star Trek Into Darkness. The plot, the character arcs, the whole fucking thing. Guess what happened? Yes, he hated the movie and at least once a day tells me how much he hated it. I just laugh and tell him, “B..O..O H..O..O.” I, on the other hand, was pleasantly oblivious about the movie and loved every damned second of it. What’s the lesson? DON’T FUCKING SPOIL YOURSELF! DUH. You do it and you develop specific expectations for the movie that always end up letting you down. Your dreams are dashed upon the Rocks of Nerd Doom. Wait for the show or movie and be surprised, for good or bad. Things are really more fun that way. You have no right to vacuum up everything about a show/movie you haven’t seen yet and then bitch about all that stuff. Just wait until you’ve seen the finished product before you don your Firefly t-shirt and begin your fanboy protests.