The Blurred Nerds: Episode II


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We discuss some Adele, Mockingjay Part 2, Jessica Jones, the etiquette of talking at the movies, what we’re thankful for, Black Friday shenanigans, some dog wrangling, and the joy of being a geek!

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The Prose of Cons


Hiya everybody? How are you all? The Geekfather is here to glaze you with some more verbal love juice. I’m gonna give you guys my take on the Geekvengers recent comic convention experiences. I would have written this blog sooner, but I’ve not had a free weekend since the first weekend in October and Chocolate Machismo is very tired.

What is it like to attend a comic con? Well, it’s fucking fun as shit!!!! It’s like getting to eat the best burrito you’ve ever had in your life while Eliza Dushku/Alan Tudyk (choose your preference people) makes sweet love to you all the while Patrick Stewart is cheering, “Make it so, Number 1!!!” followed by you letting out the hugest fart and Bruce Campbell and Stan Lee both sniffing it while bowing to you.

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It’s just like this…except you’re 37 and the one dressed as Superman.

 
Okay, maybe not like that, but it is super awesome. We attended Dallas Fan Days on October 20th and Austin Comic Con on October 28th. Each convention is different and have their own pluses and minuses. After only our 3rd Con as a group, I have some observations and tips for those of you who may not have ever been and are on the fence. I want to help you be prepared so if you decide to go, you won’t run into a major snafu and be geek fubar’d. Like stuck in downtown Indianapolis at midnight with no money when it’s 33 degrees and you don’t have a cellphone or remember what hotel you and the lesbians you road-tripped with are staying at fubar’d. True story.

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The lesbian road trip was soooooooooooooo not like this.

On to my observations!!

 

 

1. Buy your tickets in advance. I don’t just mean tickets to get into the event, but ALL YOUR TICKETS. Autographs, photo ops, and VIP meet and greet packages for many of the Cons can be purchased early. I recommend it highly if you can afford it. If you want to nerd spooge all over your favorite nerd/geek/dweeb crush/love/obsession then this is the way to go. If it is offered, do it. Why? Because it guarantees you get to stand in one less God forsaken line, that’s why! As nerds we are all used to standing in line and waiting to get in another line to wait some more. I think the Nerd Gods do it on purpose, those cunts. The headaches and time you waste will be greatly decreased, which means more time for you to think of what unintelligible babble you’re going to vomit all over Felicia Day when she looks at you with those big, purty eyes of hers.

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I either said, “Hubgagbaabbbagooo!” or “Hi!” I don’t remember which.

 

 

2. Treat the celebrities like human beings. Just because you’ve watched them on television or in movies since you learned to rub and tug or diddle the fiddle doesn’t immediately make them your bestest buddy in the universe. Also don’t assume they remember every episode ever of every show they’ve ever been in. For them, it was a job that had the great fortune of turning into a once in a lifetime opportunity that catapulted them to geek icon status. Many of them have fave episodes or stuff they’ve done, but they aren’t nitpicking this stuff like we are. Do you remember every day of work you’ve ever had, even the exceptional ones? Most likely, no. Neither do they. Praise them on their work and say you’re a huge fan, but don’t go on and on about how you have an action figure of them. Just because Michael Biehn was impressed when I told him that doesn’t make it a good idea. Ask them how they like whatever city you are in. Small talk them a bit. Keep it cool. Don’t get too personal. Don’t be an asshole. I’ve found I’ve had some of the most engaging conversations and experiences with celebrities when I just ignore the fact that they are famous and just see the person behind the character. That’s how you end up fist-bumping with LeVar Burton and asking him why they didn’t give that bruh no space vagina on Star Trek: TNG.

 
His answer? “Ask the white writers.” DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN! I didn’t know Mr. Reading Rainbow was so gangsta angry!

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He was Kunta Kinte angry!!!!

Seriously, though, just swallow some bravery and talk to them. You will quickly discover the great celebs and the complete douchecannons, just like in real life. So always keep your expectations in check.

 

 

3. Be prepared for the unexpected. Things happen. Celebrities schedules change and they can’t make the event you had planned to go to, and often it is at the last second. Don’t let it get you down. Save that Princess Leia action figure for the next time you get a chance to cry over Carrie Fisher. Let go of your boiling anger at having missed Eliza Dushku. Relax your nerd loins. Just go with the flow. Like with us, we were disappointed with the lack of celebrity interviews we got, but Cons have rules and you have to respect those rules, even if you disagree with them. I remember going to Star Wars Celebration III in Indianapolis in April I believe. Well, there was a cold snap and it fucking snowed the 2nd day we were there. Folks waiting outside in costume for the Flannel One himself, George Lucas, got soaked and were freezing. You just never know. Always roll with the punches.

 

 

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“Dammit, we lost Marselles…AGAIN.”

4. Stick to your plan. You plan to go with a group of people? Always be sure you have each other’s cellphone numbers, have your phones charged, bring a charger with you, and just in case, have a set location and time for your group to meet at the convention. Also, always have cash on you. These events aren’t debit or credit card friendly. These events get massive and you will lose people in the crowds. IT WILL HAPPEN. We’re nerds. We are attracted to shiny baubles and nerd-knacks. One minute you’re walking along with your buddies and then you see a hot geek woman whose whole breastesses except the nipples are just all out like clothes don’t exist in this universe, the next thing you know, you’re Alice and you’ve gone down the rabbit hole. Take the red pill and just enjoy it. Seriously, though, if you do bring kids along, take pictures of them and designate a safe location they should head to if they get lost if they don’t have their own cellphone.

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5. Bring an assistant. This is for you costuming people. While dressing up as a stormtrooper or as Batman is seriously cool, they aren’t traditionally known for their ample pocket storage space or their ability to sit down. That’s why you need an assistant. Someone to carry your wallet or purse, someone to hold your helmet when you need to actually breathe so you don’t..you know…die, and someone to take pictures for all the jabronies who want to take a bajillionty pictures with you. For the ladies who feel the desire to dress in the most skintight, revealing, provocative, suggestive, and absolutely filthy costumes…please keep doing that. Chocolate Machismo approves and endorses this behavior. Also, bring a trusted male friend or female friend to help keep the geek creepers away and even sometimes the celebrities. I’m not naming names. Let’s say it rhymes with Moo Furrigknow. Ahem.

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“Seriously, bro, YOU tell him to stop hitting on your girlfriend. You want I have 911 on standby?”

 

 

6. Be patient. The lines will be long. Stars go on breaks. Q&A lines turn into pits of despair from which no one can escape. This is where patience comes in. It is one of two things that will keep your sanity and prevent you from stabbing that guy in line after the 100th time he’s told you he “fist-bumped with LeVar Burton.” “What’s the other thing, Marselles?” Water. Seriously, I get so fucking thirsty at these things it’s not funny. It’s like they suck the juice right from your lips with their sorcerer’s ways and put all the water fountains and soda stands at the farthest point from where you are currently dying of thirst, no matter where that may be.

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“FUCK…Steve has my wallet.”

And finally…..

7. Don’t squander your opportunities. If you have a shot at meeting one of your idols or someone you have nerdmired forever and two days, then by all means, get their autograph. Get their photo. Say hello. Get a photo with them. That may cost you money, but when your friends come over to your place and you see the geek jealousy spilling from their eyes as they stare upon your picture of you and Stan Lee kicking it like you’re best buds, it will have paid for itself. The one thing that won’t cost you money? Just walking up to them, shaking their hand, and telling them how much what they do means to you. They love to hear that. Really. Artists, actors, writers…they all love to get validation that what they are doing matters and makes a difference in someone’s life. That’s part of the reason they do what they do, besides loving it. That’s also why 90 percent of them go…for that fan connection. Don’t ever leave a convention with any regret.

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Only an empty wallet and a content geek heart.

Prequels: The Case of the Nerd Boner Killer


Hey there, fearless readers, it is I, Marselles, bringing you another epic glimpse into the geeknagerie inside my head. Any of you that have heard or witnessed me geek rant for any length of time know that prequels and I get along about as well as Stephanie Meyer and actual good writing. This blog was spurred on by my recent viewing of Prometheus last month. The people behind that movie swore up and down that it was, “Not an Alien prequel”. I thought, “Oh, ok, cool. That might be interesting!” Five minutes into the movie I was thinking, “Fuck you, Ridley, this is an Alien prequel!!!” It wasn’t the movie’s fault. Prequels just suck. It is unavoidable. Name one prequel movie that doesn’t suck. Go on. I’ll wait.

If you came up with “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” I applaud your super nerdery to even know that it is technically a prequel! Besides that, you can’t come up with much. Why? Cause they kill nerd boners. Here are five reasons why:

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Space Doctor: “Dude, our shit looks waay better that those gay ass colonial marines! Why is that again, android?”
Dave, the android: “You see, doctor, it has to do with the principle of…Shit, we just thought no one would fucking notice.”

1. The Technology Gap– You know how when you watched the Star Wars prequels and noticed that everything wasn’t just new and shiny, but the technology looked far fucking superior to the knobs and switches that permeated the original trilogy? You thought, “Nerd Sense tingling! Waitaminnit! This is incorrect!” That’s the first thing that turns me colder than Eskimo pussy right there. Take Prometheus as a current example of that. I don’t know if directors just forget there are decades between their movies and don’t feel the need to “make shit look ancient in the old movies that are really the new movies but are telling the story from before the old movies”, but what I do know is that when my eyes see flat screens, touch consoles, 3D hologram displays, an android that makes Bishop look like a dinosaur and ray guns occurring 87 years before they were still using projectile weapons in the space marines, my nerd taint folds in on itself as if there was a rip in the fabric of space-time.

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“Chewbacca, see me you do not. Tell your sister I was here, you will not.”

2. The “Oh, Isn’t that the Guy (Pearce) from the Other Ones?” Syndrome– Again, I use the Star Wars prequel as the prime example of shoehorning a character from a previous set of movies into the ‘prequels’. “They worked in the first ones, right? Let’s find an excuse to bring them back. Man, we’re gonna sell a lot of fucking toys!!!!! Chewbacca with prequel vine-swinging action is gonna kill!” “Boba Fett is only going to be 10? Fuck yeah! Who isn’t gonna want a toy of a kid that doesn’t do shit through a whole movie?!! Can we package him with Slave Anakin with authentic whining action?”  This applies to Prometheus and the Alien vs Predator films for trying their damnedest to stick us with a Weyland. They are forgettable, throwaway characters that fit every stereotype of insanely rich assholes. Hard for me to care for a character like that. So when they do that I know he or she is only there for one reason. To die. Like a bitch with ‘cock in ass’ as those fine folks in ‘Spartacus’ are so fond of saying.

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The Gods like anal. Kinky fucks

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“So, anyway, egg goo got into this dude, then he fucked this chick and she popped out a squid that fucked my boy in the face and he gave birth to a guy who lays eggs……You still listening?”

3. The Need to Keep it Complicated- Can’t follow the story as it is? Well, allow us to make it more complicated and unnecessarily vague and difficult to follow! A bio-weapon made by Space Jockeys to kill humans, gets into a human through the douche-bag sabotage of an android (Oh, no, the android is a dick? Who knew?!), he bangs his chick, puts his now mutated sperm into her barren space vagina, and five minutes later, she has auto surgery to remove the baby squid thing. Never mind that she cuts open her abdomen and staples that shit back together in a machine that amounts to an Apple iSurgery machine and is on her feet running in like 2 minutes! Focus here! This squid thing rapes its way into the mouth of one of the Space Engineer Jockey guys and quicker than you can say “Convoluted!” out pops one of the xenomorphs we know and love! Uh, why not just make the initial egg a damn facehugger, Engineers? Ridley? Come on, man. Simplify it, bro. There’s being complex and deep in your storytelling and then there’s unnecessary flaming plot loops. Facehuggers+chest bursting+running and screaming= intergalactic shenanigans!

“Who’s up for some Space Shenanigans?!”

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“Step right up! Get your Force powers here!!!!”

4. I Demystify Thee! I don’t care about what the Space Jockey’s really were all about. Stop destroying the mysticism of it. Sometimes, what you don’t know needs to be left like it is…a mystery. The Force bound all living things. Why? Fuck, it just does, ok?! It likes it and does it because…fuck you that’s why! So when you take something that used to have some mystery and secrecy to it and boil it down to a scientific anomaly or you make the most mysterious unknown alien beings in possibly the history of science fiction (besides where Yoda comes from and what he is) into pale bodybuilding freaks, you kill all the built up cache of your movies. Part of what made the first two Alien movies and the original Star Wars trilogy endure after all these years were because there was mystery! That even in these galaxies of advanced technology and power, there are still unknown questions and things that you do not understand and may never. Sometimes, you just don’t get to know. Or at least you shouldn’t. Don’t tell me that the night before Batman’s parents died tragically in front of his eyes, Thomas Wayne was railing Mrs. Wayne in her chocolate starfish while she screamed Alfred’s name. It may have happened, but don’t tell me cause it saps the magic!

Not seen here was the wreck Mrs. Wayne’s butthole was. Thomas really attacked it hard.

5. You Know How The Ride Ends– The very nature of a prequel is the story before the story you know and love. You know that Ripley whups that xenomorph ass and rides off into the sunset! (Let’s pretend in our perfect nerd universe that this actually happened and not what we got in Alien 3 and Alien: Res-Erection Killer). So by that logic, you can deduce that whatever happened to the good Dr. Elizabeth Shaw from Prometheus isn’t good. She most likely died a terribly stupid death on a planet deep in space and no one ever heard from her or her theories again. If anyone on Earth actually found out what the deal was, the events of the subsequent movies never would have happened! There isn’t any suspense with the story. No one who was on-board the Prometheus were ever mentioned again in the history of ever. You would think a science mission, sent by the wealthiest corporation, to find the god damned meaning of life, the universe, and everything going missing and never being heard from again would, you know, have someone asking questions somewhere!!! That’s the inherent problem with these stories and trying to connect them to the original stories. The sheer amount of time between them allows for too many plot holes and gaps that just can’t be explained. You go, “Oh, look, there is a character I know! They must live cause they’re in the sequels!! Originals?!! Whatever, they don’t die.” then you say, “So all the rest of these fucks I don’t know must eat it before the end of this sumbitch!” You know who lives, who dies, where, and when. The only question maybe is how. Turns out it’s always with cock in ass.

I hope you enjoyed reading about my reasons for why prequels make my nerd wood flaccid. Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this is any way, shape, or form, please feel free to subscribe or follow me and my merry band of GeekVengers on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, and coming soon, our very own website! Cause we’re nerds, geeks, and un-repentant media whores who need your love to make us whole.