Words, Feely Words.

Hello and salutations to you, my geek brethren and normals! How are you? Good! Anyway, sorry I don’t blog enough. I mean to, but I’m such a procrastinator.

I was out tonight having dinner with a close friend of 20+ years and the subject of relationships came up. We went on about how tangled and deep we get when we find someone we feel is worthy of giving our love to. He, like me, is a Cancer. We live for being able to care for and watch over others. We are unrepentant romantics at our core. We are honest men and very forthright. Sadly, that has not been a great attribute as of late. So much so that both of us are semi-retired from seeking love and a relationship. I’m not going to speak for him, but my reasons are simple.

I think I’m kinda terrible at it.

I am a deeply honest person. I’ve never been a good liar and I never will be. I take pride in that. I used to think that it would be a benefit to me in a good relationship. I hear it’s what women all ask for. Honesty? I has that! Humor? I has that, too!!! Handsome, big, black, and charming? Check, check, check, and check!!!! Total package, right? Hmmm, so far, no. You see, I am honest probably to my own detriment. I want to be straightforward with anyone I get involved with and the women I have met lately don’t cotton to that so much. That’s the part I am terrible at. I fall in love with being in love and perhaps it puts me into overdrive and that’s what freaks women out. Now I purposely move really slow and take my time, and it is really difficult. I must fight the screaming crazy person inside my heart at every turn. 🙂

Now here’s the part I can’t control…

A little history for you- I have non-ischemic cardiomyopathy. Huh? Layman’s terms? My heart is defective and I take all manner of medication to regulate it and make so I don’t die. I like not dying. It’s my life goal. So, when I do get involved with a woman and I like her, I am sure that she knows the score. Not on the first date or anything, but usually when I am comfortable sharing such info. They almost always run away like King Arthur’s men in Monty Python’s Holy Grail. I’m not asking them to take care of me or watch out for me or any of that shit. I can do it on my own and have been for many years before you and I’ll do it for many years after you, thank you. I share out of total honesty. Perhaps I’m just meeting the wrong women.

For this situation I really don’t think there is a right one, though. The fear of getting involved with someone, falling in love, and having them die on you is strong. I understand, but just so you know, I have no plans of dying anytime soon. Could I? Sure, but we all could. Enjoy your life as it is now and worry less about what will possibly be.I suppose it also has to just do with hard-wired human instincts. People want to be with others who exude healthy qualities. No matter how much I work out or try to take care of myself, I am a damaged specimen and I will always bear the scars of that. Can’t worry or obsess about what you can’t control. so I’m semi-retired from all of that. It’s made my life easier. Do I get lonely? Sure. Do I still love naked women? Duh, yeah!!!!!! Do I long for companionship? Of course I do, I’m human. I want the togetherness and closeness of loving love like many do. I remember watching my mom live alone after my dad left. I wish I had spoken with her more about her true feelings. I’m sure her wisdom and her strength would have been immensely helpful now. I had no idea that I would be in a similar situation years later.  

It has taken me a few years to really be in the right frame of mind for something like this. I could not have been this kind of man in my twenties. I could not have been this kind of man even 4 years ago. Wisdom is a hell of a thing. Don’t feel sorry for me. That’s not what the goal of this blog entry is. I guess it’s just personal therapy. I’m not saying that I am closed to meeting someone special. I am open to it. I always will be, but the difference now is that hooking up or meeting a woman isn’t my first goal when I go out somewhere. Honestly, it never should have been. That’s not to say Chocolate Machismo isn’t going to be panty-dropping charming, though. That’s just innate skill, my friends. You can’t turn that off. 😉

The operative word in that paragraph was ‘special’. I want to meet someone I can truly know and who can see who I am underneath all the on-camera bravado and the gregarious ebullience. Until then, I’m focused on my work with The Geekvengers, being the best geek I can, being the best friend I can, improving the world in my own little way, improving myself physically and mentally, and being educated by the world.