Just How Much Do We Control?

I was feeling in a particularly nerd mood today so I decided I was going to go out and pick up season 1 of the Walking Dead on blu ray. While driving home with the window down, enjoying the now sprung spring weather here in Texas, I spontaneously decided that I wanted to see a movie. The choice was between Hall Pass and The Adjustment Bureau. I could either laugh heartily at grown men getting a week off from marriage and try to score chicks but then realize they really love their wives after 2 hours of titties and strange or I could see Matt Damon run around New York City and try to score some strange from Emily Blunt. I chose the latter. Hey, the Adjustment Bureau was from a Philip K. Dick short story. I like Dick…the writer. Isn’t everything from a Dick short? Dick Short….*snort* That’s my new porn name by the way. This is also a kind of review of the movie so if you haven’t seen it, it’s best you don’t really continue to read this. Just stare at the pictures or something.

Even as a fat ass, his life is better than yours.

Anywhoooooooo, the whole story was focused on a man striving to reach greatness; to fill a hole within himself that seemed bottomless. Well, he meets a woman, she’s hot, he’s horny and all sad and shit, and they hit it off. His hole is filled by the desire to fill all of hers. Unfortunately, before he can do that, man loses girl, finds out world is really run by men dressed like extras from Mad Men, has his mind blown, then immediately goes back to thinking about Emily Blunt’s tight body. Really, what hetero man wouldn’t? Come on, she’s British hot. All pale and accented. Everything she says sounds like she wants to hump you mercilessly and with immediacy.

She’s a merciless humper. Damn you John Krasinski.

Where was I? Uh, right….the movie at its core is about choices and how much we really control through the course of our lives. Matt’s character in the movie, David something-or-other, has a run in with the titular organization in the movie. Yes, you guessed it, The Adjustment Bureau. They do just what it sounds like they do. They tweak things in your life to keep your destiny on what seems like a preset path. Steer you towards meeting someone, steer you away, having you get hit by a bus; you never know.  This had me thinking the whole time about how much of our lives do we really control. All David wanted to do was hook up with Emily’s character, Elise, cause his balls kept telling him “Do It.” I guess he loved her too and some shit. The dudes in silly hats didn’t want it to happen because the plan said it wasn’t supposed to. What heinous organization would ever want you to stay away from Emily Blunt?! Bastards.

Bastards I say.

The agents with the Bureau aren’t ever explicity outed as aliens or angels, but there is a spiritual flavor to the whole affair. You get the feeling that the whole thing is run by God or something like it. It tastes of that, but not in a preachy way. It’s explained that these otherworldly agents and the “chairman” tried to give us free will, but when they did, we went and shit all over it and proceeded to club each other over the head and bomb each other with reckless abandon. So they jumped in and took away our free will. So David does what every man who is being cock blocked does. He ignores the consequences and tries to score anyway. Cause, you know, it’s love at first boner.

Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce are cock blocking you.

This made me think- Do we really control our life and the path we take through it? Did I meet a woman and fall in love,  lose my job, then my health, then her, and end up on disability because a higher being has a plan for me? Does that make it better than it just being a series of shitty events? Is there some guy in a silly hat with a book going, “Ahhh, Marselles, yeah he’s supposed to be broke and disabled n’ shit. Let’s just tweeeeeeeak this here and that there annnnnnnnnnd…voila! Poverty with a side of disability!”? I have no idea, but I can picture it. Maybe we aren’t really driving the life car. Maybe God just lets us play with the radio and roll down the windows once in a while but we’re just passengers along for the ride for our own good. This also had me thinking, “What does the “chairman” tell those unfortunate souls whose lives PURPOSELY were planned to not amount to shit? “Well, you see Steve, we have good news and bad news. The bad news is your path was pretty simple…slow kid in school, drug habit by 15, janitor by 19, babydaddy by 20, wife leaves you for a woman by 23, you lose your testicles in a freak door accident at 26, annnnnnnnnd homicidal rampage through a KFC by 30. The good news is you did that all and died in a hail of gunfire at 27 waaaaaay ahead of schedule!! Also, you kept one nut so there’s that.”.

Look how pretty Steve! Sooooooo, we have a spot for you downstairs…

See how hard it is to sell that? Imagine if you were to find out that you had no control over what becomes of you? What would be the point of life? You’d just walk through it like a zombie and not give a shit. Would that change things? I’d like to think that life is like a ‘choose your own adventure’ book. The beginning and the end are the same, but you have the power to control some parts in the middle. Probably best you just not know I suppose.

“Look, I don’t mind you touching the radio, but no Justin Bieber shit.”


A Random Tuesday in Heaven

God: “I can’t believe this!!! JESUS!!! JESUS?! JESUS H. CHRIST, I’M CALLING YOU!!!”

Jesus: “Dad dammit, I heard you. What is it?”

God: “You ever watch this Charlie Sheen guy? Did I really make him that much of a douchebag? I couldn’t have. WINNING?! Did I accidentally give him tiger’s blood for real? Cause that would make him retarded I’d think.”

God's shameful mistake....


Jesus: “Well, sometimes people turn out that way DAD. He’s done a mountain of cocaine and porn stars. It’s a hell of a drug. Makes you crazy! Don’t you know this? I thought you were OMNIPOTENT…OMNISCIENT! INFALLIBLE.”

God: “You ungrateful little jackass! I’m your father! You show some respect!”

Jesus: “Ooooh, like you showed me?! Hey…uh…Jesus…sorry to tell you this, buuuuut I’m gonna have to have you sacrifice yourself for the Jews. And they’re going to turn their back on you. But they’ll still like me….”

God: “Look, stop doing that! You are mocking me and I don’t like it!”

Jesus: “What you gonna do big guy? Send me to my death?”

God: “Damn, would you just let that go? It’s been like 2000 years already!! I SAID I WAS SORRY!”

God felt really bad.


Jesus: “Yeah, I got nailed to a cross that I was made to carry while the Romans were whipping me. Now I know how the slaves felt..”

God: “Awww, shit, who are you now? Kunta Kinte? You should be proud!”

Jesus: “All that time, since I was a little kid, I had to bear the knowledge that my absentee dad was planning to have me killed for some assholes that don’t even think I exist. I’m sooooo proud.”

God: “Now we’re on that subject are we? Look, I told you, I couldn’t be around. I had to run things up here.”

Jesus: “Right. Like the angels couldn’t run things!”

God: “Those guys? Are you insane? If I left them alone there would be anarchy. They are still pissed that they have no genitals! You saw what Satan tried to do. I had to put him down.”

Jesus: “So THAT’S why they’re always so cranky?! Wow. Whatever! You were never there for me!”

God: “Ugh, you had Mary and Joseph. What do you want?!”

Mary and Joseph....raising God's illegitimate chillins since 0 A.D.!


Jesus: “Joseph? He wasn’t my daddy! He was always asking me to turn water into wine so he could drink it!”

God: “You liar, he was not!”

Jesus: “He hit me.”

God: “No he didn’t!”

Jesus: “Well….he thought about it. I could hear him thinking….That fucking son of God kid…always telling me who his daddy is…God this, God that, he destroyed Sodom & Gomorra, I have to die for people’s sins…blah blah blah..”

God: “Look…okay, maybe he wasn’t the best guy, but your mom was hot. She had such a tight…”

Jesus: “Daaaaaad!!! So you just knocked her up because you could eh? Did you really love her?”

God: “I love everybody.”

Jesus: “Hmmmpp. You sure have a crappy way of showing it.”

God: “Damn, quit busting my holy jewels would you? Don’t you have to prepare for The Second Coming?”

Jesus: “Are you gonna have me be born to a virgin girl with a heart of gold again?”

God: “Why not? It worked the first time!”

Jesus: “You old fart…it’s the 21st century. There are no virgins anymore! Even geeks are getting laid! Well…except for that Selles dude. How about having me be born to a heroin addicted hooker from Detroit or something?”

God: “WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND PROSTITUTES?! You just can’t let that go, can you? Do you know how many Popes I had to bribe so they would cover up that Mary Magdalene fiasco? That DaVinci Code shit nearly fucked it all up.”

Jesus really has a thing for hoes. Really, it's become kind of a problem.

Jesus: “Oh, and you don’t like impregnating virgins?”


Jesus: “Pffft. When I’m in charge…”

God: “Ooooh, watch out, Jesus is gonna run this joint in his Birkenstocks and sissy robe!”

Jesus: “Yeah, that’s right, mock me all you want. You wait! I’ll show you…”

They'd made fun of his sandals for the last time....