Frankenpiggy


Kermit had just called the one bird who could get him what he needed….

Big Bird.

BB: “Hello Frog, I was wondering when you were gonna call motherfrogger! How’s my frigga doing in the joint? You didn’t let any of them bad boys suck on your tadpole did you?”

Kermit: “No way B…well, except for Fozzie when he visited but I was in a weird place at the time….nevermind, I need your help B! I’ve got to get ought of here and I need Dr. Honeydew. We gotta get Piggy back!”

BB: “Frigga, you know you killed that slab of bad pork, right? She’s Spam now frog.”

Kermit: “I heard Honeydew had perfected a process to reanimate dead felt. Rumor has it he’s used it on Beaker.”

BB: “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, that crazy muppet hasn’t exactly perfected it….it has a bad habit of turning what it brings back into evil, twisted shells of what they used to be! He’s done it to that migga Beaker like 10 times and that mupperfucker is fucking craaaaaaaazy. Can’t even speak no mo…just a bunch of ‘ME ME ME MEEEEE MEEEEEE ME ME ME MEEEEEEEE’. I heard he killed Camille and ate that chicken bitch. Still, good minions are hard to come by and shit, so I can understand why a muppet would do some fucked up shit like that.”

Kermit: “I don’t care! I NEED Piggy! She’s the only one who can save me and my career!! You gonna help me or not Bird?! You remember how I helped you out when shit got fucked up with Snuffy? You owe me!”

Snuffy was quietly phased out of Sesame Street for a while after he showed Maria his…SPECIAL game.

BB: “STILL?! I covered up the fact that you Dirty Harry’d your fat pig wife you muppet son of a bitch!!!!! You STILL ended up in jail because you like giving the felt reach-around to unwilling muppets!!”

Kermit: “LOOK, BERT TOOK ALL THAT SHIT AND LIKED IT!!! Just help me out and I’ll make it worth your while. What you want?”

BB: “Fraggle Rock. I want to own that shit.”

Kermit: “Yeah, fuck them little cave muppets! Yeah, I can do that.”

BB: “Good. Consider it done. I’ll have you released and at Honeydew’s castle within a couple of days.”

Kermit: “Good! Finally, Kermit is gonna be back on top!!!”

…………………………………………………………………………….

After Big Bird gave up the location of the Swede for US law enforcement extradition President Obama was more than happy to pardon Kermit for his offenses. The Swede was a dangerous Muppet and drug trafficker. Getting his smack off the Sesame Streets was worth letting a pork killer like Kermit go free.

Finally, they would get their man!!!!

Kermit was secretly flown on board one of Big Bird’s G5s to an uninhabited island somewhere in the South Pacific. As the plane taxied and came to a stop at the low-key private terminal, Beaker, Dr. Honeydew’s prized 2nd in command, was there to greet him.

These are his actual business cards.

Kermit: “Good day Beaker!! Where is the Dr?”

Beaker: “MEEE MEE MEEEEE MEEEEE MEEEEEEEE MEEEE.”

Kermit: “I’m sorry, do you speak English? I don’t understand gibblish.”

Beaker was obviously frustrated with never being understood. It gave him bad thoughts. Thoughts of wanting to….do bad things again….like he did with Camille…did TO Camille. He wanted to show Kermit the bad things. NO!!! He had to get him to Dr. Honeydew. No killing now. The killing would be for later, if he was good.

Beaker: “MEEEEE MEEE MEEEEE. M.E.E.E. Meeee?”

Kermit: “Uhhh, look, I’m just not getting it. Can you write it down?”

Beaker suppressed his desire to amputate Kermit’s legs and fry them up…eat them with perhaps a nice rice pilaf…some vintage wine….does red go better or white? He was getting excited thinking about it….

Silence of the Beaker….

Kermit, noticing Beaker’s blank, glazed stare became a bit unnerved. “HEY! You in there? Write it down!”

Beaker snapped to reality. “Meeee meeee.” Beaker scribbed something on a notepad he was carrying and showed it to Kermit.

(Meeeeee meeeee meeeee meeeee, meeeee mee me mee meee miiiiii. Meee meeeee mimimimimi. Me.)

Kermit’s face scrunched into one of his patented expressions, displaying exasperation with Beaker and his gibblish. “Let’s just fucking get in the car and you can drive me to the doc, ok?”

Beaker, hiding his displeasure, agreed. “Me.”

They walked from the tarmac to the awaiting car. Kermit settled into the back seat and made himself a drink from the ample bar that adorned the interior of the limo. Beaker looked back and saw what he wanted…Kermit drinking.

Beaker: “Miiiiiiiiiiiii….MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Kermit was perplexed. He felt heavy…groggy…..he wanted to close his eyes. Had he understood gibblish, he would have known that Beaker was telling him all along that the doctor had plans for him. Big Muppet plans. Kermit passed out….the last thing he saw was Beaker’s dead eyes.

Kermit was at their mercy!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Kermit’s eyes opened (Do they even have eyelids? Let’s just go with it shall we?) onto a strange sight….a creature that LOOKED like Miss Piggy but her body was kinda hot. She had bigger tits, but her face….yes, she had butterface. Her body looked stronger, like she had been given HGH or something. Bolts stuck out of her neck. There were wires attached to them and she was strapped to a table with what looked like steel wires and shackles. Her eyes focused intently on him. They had the same look they did three years ago…when she tried to kill him. Her hair stood straight up and had a shock of white running through it. He felt his whole body shiver with fear. He tried to get up to run, but realized he was restrained as well.

In his peripheral vision he noticed a shadowy figure standing in front of a large console with multiple monitors. The console looked evil. Lots of large red buttons and switches. Anyway, the figure spoke. “Ahhhh, good, you are awake Kermit! I can now monologue to you my entire evil plan to use your precious Miss Piggy to take over the Muppet world!”

“Dr. Honeydew! You evil bastard! You know when Big Bird finds out about this he’s gonna send Statler & Waldorf to fuck you up!!!” Kermit spoke with anger at the betrayal.

Just then Beaker came into view and POWWWWWW!, he struck Kermit in the face, knocking one of his eyes googly. “MIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!” Beaker screamed into Kermit’s face. Piggy shifted ever so imperceptibly at the sight of Kermit being struck, her dead looking eyes fixated upon him somehow.

“I’m going to fucking gut you Beaker. You’re gonna pay…” Kermit said with anger.

“Don’t be so melodramatic Frog! Let me apologize for my assistant. He’s…special. Too many electrocutions I suspect. One time I found him masturbating with electrodes attached to his dick. He’s fucking crazy, but a damn good henchman. Do you know how much a good henchman runs these days? Medical insurance, 401-k, paid vacation. It’s ridiculous I tell you. I pay Beaker in….well, let’s just say he gets to enjoy private time with my experiment subjects when I am done with them. You remember Camille don’t you? She was delicious after Beaker was done with her. I just didn’t know you could make chicken so tender and juicy. Really was something.” Honeydew had the mad scientist look down. Lab coat, crazy hair, spectacles, evil grin, no eyes; all that shit. “You see Frog, I need you for….”

“You’ll never get away with this Honeydew. Big Bird will…” POWWWWWWW!!! Beaker struck Kermit again, this time in his stomach. Kermit groaned with the pain. “WAAAAAAARGGGGHHHH!!!” Beaker was excited now. A felt boner was becoming visible in his muppet pants. Miss Piggy stirred again…strained against her bonds. No one seemed to notice.

“DON’T INTERRUPT ME AGAIN YOU MOTHERFRAGGLE!!!!” Honeydew screamed at Kermit. “I’M MONOLOGUING!!!!” Honeydew calmed down, which was even spookier. He spoke in a calm, monotone voice. “Don’t you know it isn’t polite to interrupt a megalomaniacal genius when he’s about to share his evil genius plan for world domination? That’s just rude and in poor taste.”

“You’re insane Honeydew!!! Big Bird will stop you!” Kermit struggled against his shackles.

Honeydew looked at Kermit’s writhing and laughed. “MWA HAHAHAHA!!! You can’t be serious??!!! Big Bird was the one who gave you up Frog! You gave him Fraggle Rock and he sold you out. He was always jealous that you became the famous one with the tv show and the movies. All he got was that one shitty movie and a show on PBS!!! PBS??!!!! The embarrassment!!!! And Snuffy?! Who wants a shaggy elephant?!!! He never got a hot pig bitch to slob on his bird pecker!!! He wanted Piggy so much and you..YOU…killed her. He made up this elaborate plan to jail you, then get you to me. He knew you would feel guilt and want her back and he knew I…ONLY I…had the power to resurrect Miss Piggy! So he subtly suggested that you see me. HEHEHEHE!!!” Honeydew was smug and more than pleased with himself.

“That….fucking yellow bird!! When I get out of this I’m gonna kick the living felt out of you…and your crazy assistant.” Kermit stared at Beaker directly. Beaker looked back with a stone killer’s 1000 yard stare as if he was taunting Kermit, saying “Come on frog, do it.” or more properly, “Mi mi mi meeeee, mi mi.”

“Oh please Kermit, you’re the biggest pussy ever!” Honeydew retorted.

“I killed that fat crazy bitch Piggy!” Kermit was stunned with what came out of his mouth. Perhaps maybe he didn’t need her. Maybe it was up to him all along. Piggy’s eyes twitched at what he had said. They looked even more intensely at him now. Almost as if she knew what he said and was looking to put her pig hoof in his frog ass.

“And I have brought her back! Better, faster, stronger, a little uglier, but she has great tits soooooo…you know….Butterface. Her body is banging, but-her-face…..butterface. REGARDLESS, she’s my minion now!!!!” Honeydew laughed, an insane glint sparkled in his..well, it would if he had eyes. You know what I’m trying to say.

“Noooooo!!!!!!” Kermit screamed, tears rolling down his face. He began to really move around, trying to break his chains. Beaker struck Kermit again with glee. He was fully erect now and daydreaming of frogs legs and wine.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…..

Miss Piggy….she was fully writhing now. The chains were straining to hold her gargantuan yet super hot for a pig frame. Kermit looked over and saw her moving violently and began to get really worried. More worried than he of course already was, you know. Being tied down in the dungeon of an evil crazy genius and being bitch slapped by his serial killerish henchman with an inappropriate boner and all was bad enough. A raging Frankenpiggy would really be a double downer. Kermit looked over at Honeydew…”Uhhhhhh, doctor, you DO see your monster moving, don’t you?”

“It’s of no use frog, you can’t trick me! You see, I need you for your brain. FRANKENPIGGY is almost ready, but she’s stupid.” As Honeydew continued to drone on with his back now turned from Kermit and Piggy and his attention on his mega screen of death displaying schematics, Piggy broke one of her shackles. CLINK! “She’s a dunce you see. Just dumber than a box of rocks. I mean just as retarded as a special olympics last place finisher.”

“You mind not insulting her?! She never liked that! She’s breaking free!” KLANK!! Frankenpiggy had now busted one of her foot shackles and only one hand and one foot were restrained. Kermit now felt a warm stream of liquid run down his leg and puddle onto the floor. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit…” Beaker was now smiling like Buffalo Bill at Kermit, or he would be if that were possible for his mouth to do that. He was completely ignorant to the fact that a pig monster was very close to breaking out of her chains.

Honeydew wasn’t listening at this point, just jabbering on about his legendary greatness and how he was going to win evil genius of the year which would be a first for a muppet. “…..Forrest Gump could beat her in a game of chess she’s so dumb….” Frankenpiggy heard this and her eyes….they became wild with raging anger. Beaker stopped stroking his hard-on through his pants long enough to see Piggy finally shatter the last of her bindings. CLAAAAANG!!!!!!

“MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!” he squealed in abject terror, trying to alert the doctor to the fact that she was free and reeeeeeeeeeally fucking mad. Beaker pulled out his bowie knife that he used to gut Camille with and rushed Piggy, intent on filleting her too. He already had chicken…now he would dine on pork chops…maybe with a good apple glaze and a nice salad. Piggy was enraged and so powerful. Her gown barely contained her frame. One of her tits was out even. Even so, she was still filled with the violent intent to dismember everyone in the room. She was, indeed, not dumber than a box of rocks. She was…FRANKENPIGGY! Beaker swung his knife toward Piggy and plunged it deep into her exposed tit; a blank look on his face as always hiding his extreme arousal. Piggy grabbed the knife and slowly pulled it out, no blood or felt coming from the wound, only a spurt of what looked like water. He had inexplicably hit one of her new saline breast implants. She looked at Beaker…. “Mi mi.” Beaker said with a matter of fact resignation that this pig was gonna fuck him up.

It looked a lot like this except with a knife sticking out and blind, murdery rage in her eyes.

She screamed “NOW I’M GONNA BE LOPSIDED!!!! HIIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!” and tore away the electrodes from the bolts in her neck and shoved them into Beaker’s very large and creepy eyes. “FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!” he screamed, which surprised him as much as it did a now petrified Kermit still strapped to the table. She flipped the rather large switch on the wall labeled ‘For evil electrical torture, brain swapping or reanimation, pull this’. Beaker’s body was now riddled with like 1.21 gigawatts of electricity or something. Whatever it would take to kill him or whatever. “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” Beaker screamed for a few seconds before his head exploded in a puff of felt and plastic eye fragments.

“I knew that creepy muppetfucker spoke english!!!!” Kermit blurted out much to his surprise. “Good job Piggy! I knew you weren’t…”

“FUCK YOU FROG!!! AFTER I PULL HONEYDEW’S HEAD OUT THROUGH HIS MUPPET ASS, YOU’RE NEXT YOU PUSSY!” Piggy was still herself, but now so much more powerful…and ugly. Kermit was now shitting himself. He was still chained down and not at all looking forward to having his head pulled through his ass. And her tit was still out.

Honeydew saw this all unfold before his non-existent eyes and acting quickly, he pressed the auto-destruct button on his evil console. It was larger and much redder than all the other buttons. Plus it said ‘GO BOOM!!!’ on it. A soft female voice that sounded a lot like Janice chimed, “Like, you have, like 15 minutes….until detonation or something. Please use the emergency exits man and depart the island in an orderly and calm manner for sure.” He knew he designed Frankenpiggy to be an unstoppable monster. He had to destroy his entire base to stop her raging madness. “You may have escaped my impossibly unescapable trap you fucking retarded Pig monster, but you won’t escape this island. You see, I have rigged this base with a 100 megaton nuclear bo….”

Honeydew stopped mid sentence as Beaker’s bowie knife that Piggy had thrown impaled him in the chest. Honeydew looked at Kermit and Piggy, then the knife. “Does this mean I won’t get evil genius of the year?”, then he slumped down in front of his evil console, dead. “That’s for calling me retarded you muppet cockgobbler!!!” Piggy said with insane satisfaction.

Just one of Dr. Honeydew’s evil plans for Kermit. Beaker would have cooked those legs up! Gooooooood eatin’!

Piggy turned to Kermit “Now, for you Frog…” Her tit was still out and was really making the situation even more awkward.

“You know, like, you’ve got like 12 minutes and stuff to get away for sure. Cause stuff is gonna be really explodey here and bright and stuff. Big boom maaaan.” Janice’s voice continued over the speaker system. Kermit was still tied down and now covered in his own muppet pee and shit. He was shaking violently and certain he was now going to die a violent and painful death.

Piggy lumbered towards him, her tit still out and leaking saline. “I’m gonna so fucking enjoy this.”

Kermit tried to shrink away from her approaching form. This was it…..

(To be continued…some more)

Wow, this turned into waaaay more than I originally intended. Why did I work on this for 3 days to have 5 people read it? Someone tell me please!  The 4th and hopefully final part coming soon!

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The Re-Haminator


My old readers, if any of you still exist, might remember the original inspiration for this blog. Something about Kermit, Miss Piggy, and a..uhhhh…dispute. In honor of that I bring you the follow-up story of the frog and his lost ham. For those of you who have read my weird muppet humor before, you will know what’s up. The rest of you I apologize to ahead of time for the 15 minutes you will waste reading this. On to the show…..

Kermit and Miss Piggy in happier times……..

It had been nearly three years since that day. The day that changed everything. He had not been the same since he had done the unthinkable. It had been nearly three years since Kermit had shot Miss Piggy to save his life. He knew she was going to fuck him up like the swine flu had he let her, but he still felt horrible, muppet crushing guilt. He had expected maybe she would have taken a trip down to Alabama and someone would have thought she was Hogzilla and shot her, and turned her into ham n’ bacon for months. It never happened. She stayed with him and guided his career to one success after another. Sesame Street, The Muppet Show, all the Muppet movies, even the shitty Muppet Babies made him money. Piggy was golden pork. She was his charm. Anything he did with her by his side was an immediate hit. Until that day when he blew her felt all over the room with Clint Eastwood’s .44 magnum.

Big Bird made sure to dispose of her body so no one would ever trace it back to the frog…

It all happened so fast. He feared for his life. He had flashes of that great lily pad in the sky. She had her hands around his throat. He was turning white. Then he grabbed the gun…a shot rang out..BANG…and she was Fraggle food. His career spiraled out of control after that nightmare. First was the video of him on Youtube singing “Hurt”. There was some…questionable content in the video that his new agent, Scooter assured him would catch the edgy, 21st century crowd. It did nothing but backfire. To console himself, Kermit began hanging out with the old crew he used to run with. The Felt Pack. The Swede was the one who turned him back onto drugs. Back in the seventies it was tons of coke snorted off of Janice’s tits at Studio 54, now in 2009 it was meth, weed, and steroids. He would sell the ’roids to major leaguers for profit to buy more drugs. Kermit used to do a little here, and a little there..no problem. Then he started getting bold and gambling too much with everything. Money, women, friends, career, and on many nights, his life.

He knew things would have to change after he was busted by LAPD with over 100 pounds of marijuana, in his meth lab, snorting coke, and fucking Bert. Bert had left Ernie and Kermit was waaaaay fucked up and being adventurous, but that’s not important now. What was? Kermit getting back on top, not of Ernie, but of the world. To do that he needed HER. The only one he knew who could make someone come back from the dead was Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his loyal, trusty, and apparently unable to kill apprentice, Beaker. Yes, Kermit would find Dr. Honeydew and have him return his little hamsteak to him. Kermit just had to get out of jail first. He was shipped up to San Quentin on a hard bid of 25 years for what he did to Bert’s ass.

Kermit: “Guard?! I would like to make a phone call!”

Guard: “Kermit, you know I can’t do that.”

Kermit: “You like all that muppet porn I score you, motherfucker?”

Guard: “Yes, I….”

Kermit: “You nothing, bitch, just get me that phone call or I tell your kids you beat your tallywacker to Bert & Ernie!”

The incriminating dirt that Kermit had on the guard was..disturbing.

 
Guard: “Yes, sir..”

The guard brought the phone to Kermit. He called the one man who could find Dr. Honeydew….no, the one bird. Big Bird.


For you see, Piggy would have to be brought back from somewhere she should not return. She would have to be reconstituted. She would have to be…rehaminated.

For that, you need…..

THE RE-HAMINATOR!

(to be continued…..)

 

Much better on WordPress I must say, isn’t it? 🙂