Selles 2.0


Hello all five of you! I don’t blog much anymore because, shit, my life got hella busy and I really don’t have time to sit and create awesome stuff like I used to. I think since the last time I wrote anything I have gotten a job! Yah! Yes, I am now gainfully employed again after 18 months of being destitute and on social security disability. You haven’t lived until you make less than 12,000 dollars a year! YEAH!!! They should make that into a board game or an Iphone app or something! Call it Angry Poor People. The object of the game is to fling your mounting bills at the fat, rich pigs safely ensconced behind gilded walls. You never win because eventually they repo your slingshot.

 

How did you do it, Selles?! How did you change things? What is your secret?!!! Well, it all started one day in late August 2011. I was at the movies with my friend Lisa watching Captain America for the 3rd time (WHAT?! I LIKE IT.) when I just came out and said. “Fuck it, I’m joining a gym. I’m gonna work out.” She was , I’m sure, skeptical. Heck, I was skeptical. Every time I’ve said this before I make it 2 or 3 weeks then I fade back into obese-laden procrastination and malaise. I was most likely 300 pounds at the time with 41 percent body fat. This was 7 months ago. I am 259 pounds now with 28 percent body fat and dropping. Going 4 days a week every week since. What made this time different?

 

Two words….crushing relationship failure. Ok, that’s three words, but I’m terrible at the math. Anyway, I was involved with a lovely woman and without going into intimate detail, let’s just say it was complicated and got even more so as things went on. We had a great time while it lasted but by the end I felt terrible pangs of guilt and the karmic fruit I was reaping was pulling my life apart piece by excruciating piece. Within 2 years my father had died, I lost two jobs, I went on disability, developed debilitating arthritis, my roommate moved out, and my relationship ended. Oh, and I had two lovely stays at the hospital! WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! It was my choice to end it. I did it because I really didn’t have any other choice. I did it for my self worth. I had to learn to love myself and respect myself before I could truly show that to others. I wasn’t doing either of us any good. I wasn’t good.

 

I was a shattered man. I was trapped in my apartment, barely able to move and be functional. I was barely surviving on 1159 dollars a month and by the grace of close friends who I can NEVER REPAY FOR THEIR KINDNESS AND PATIENCE WITH ME. On one of the rare days I felt good, I went to the movies. Why did this epiphany happen during Captain America? Maybe I felt like a fat Steve Rogers, watching others around me find success and be strong and living beautiful lives while I sat weak and powerless in the corner. How could I show my true strength? What was my super-soldier serum?

 

I was. It was me. It’s been me all along. People ask me what I did, what my motivation was, why I was so dedicated. I tell them every time that there isn’t a secret. Just do it. I just got fed up and truly tired and disgusted with what I looked like and the course my life had taken. So I did something with the one thing in my life I could control directly…I took my sad, fat bag of beaten bones and began to go to the gym. I started slow at first, lifting weights that a 10 year old girl would scoff at. Curling 30 pounds at first, doing 10 minutes on the treadmill at 2.0 miles an hour. Baby steps. Fuck did it hurt like a bitch! The voice in my head saying, “Heeeeeeeey, fuck this, let’s get a pizza, play some video games, jerk off, then go to sleep, fatty.” I resisted. Every time I had the urge to stop, I kept going. Every time I thought about skipping a day, I went. When I hurt, I went. When I was sad, I went. Angry? I went. Bad day? I went. I remember being at the gym one day doing my leg workout and stopping for a moment and just crying. This was back in November I think. I was feeling the loss of both of my parents really strongly at the time. I was overcome with a deep feeling of loss. I didn’t want to die young like they did. I didn’t want to die alone, without knowing true, healthy love. I had to give myself the opportunity for it and I had to stop hiding myself under Fat Selles. I was fun on the outside, but I was so sad inside.

 

Anyway, 41 pounds later, I feel great. My heart is strong and my body feels good. The damage is already done, but with exercise I have reclaimed my life and claimed something I was missing before. Happiness. I never realized the power of it before. I’m calmer. More able to adjust to terrible things. My karma is great. Good fortune has shined on me. I have a job, I have new roommates, I have better health and a great outlook. I’m not saying I haven’t had challenges since then. My beloved 84 year old great uncle Charles is in the hospital ICU as of this writing fighting for his life. He’s battling pneumonia and kidney failure and he almost died this past Friday. I also lost a dear, close friend to a heart attack not even three weeks ago. Miss ya Jeff! These events have only added to my resolve and made me even more determined to improve myself for them. So when my uncle recovers I can be there for him like he was all those years for me. So I can live my life like my buddy Jeff always did..with a smile, faith in himself, his god, and a great attitude. Make friends, love and care for family, do your best at work, and enjoy the time you get in this existence.

 

I have noticed the physical changes of course, but what I notice most is the change I see in how people respond to me and how they see me. I can scarcely believe it. It’s intoxicating. I’m 36 and for the first time I have women telling me I am handsome and that I look great. You don’t realize the power to change someone’s day that has. I see people differently because I feel like they see me now. I’m learning to love myself. Finally.

 

Not bad for a guy who just wanted to be less fat 7 months ago. I can’t wait to see what the next 5 months will do for me. 🙂

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Just How Much Do We Control?


I was feeling in a particularly nerd mood today so I decided I was going to go out and pick up season 1 of the Walking Dead on blu ray. While driving home with the window down, enjoying the now sprung spring weather here in Texas, I spontaneously decided that I wanted to see a movie. The choice was between Hall Pass and The Adjustment Bureau. I could either laugh heartily at grown men getting a week off from marriage and try to score chicks but then realize they really love their wives after 2 hours of titties and strange or I could see Matt Damon run around New York City and try to score some strange from Emily Blunt. I chose the latter. Hey, the Adjustment Bureau was from a Philip K. Dick short story. I like Dick…the writer. Isn’t everything from a Dick short? Dick Short….*snort* That’s my new porn name by the way. This is also a kind of review of the movie so if you haven’t seen it, it’s best you don’t really continue to read this. Just stare at the pictures or something.

Even as a fat ass, his life is better than yours.

Anywhoooooooo, the whole story was focused on a man striving to reach greatness; to fill a hole within himself that seemed bottomless. Well, he meets a woman, she’s hot, he’s horny and all sad and shit, and they hit it off. His hole is filled by the desire to fill all of hers. Unfortunately, before he can do that, man loses girl, finds out world is really run by men dressed like extras from Mad Men, has his mind blown, then immediately goes back to thinking about Emily Blunt’s tight body. Really, what hetero man wouldn’t? Come on, she’s British hot. All pale and accented. Everything she says sounds like she wants to hump you mercilessly and with immediacy.

She’s a merciless humper. Damn you John Krasinski.

Where was I? Uh, right….the movie at its core is about choices and how much we really control through the course of our lives. Matt’s character in the movie, David something-or-other, has a run in with the titular organization in the movie. Yes, you guessed it, The Adjustment Bureau. They do just what it sounds like they do. They tweak things in your life to keep your destiny on what seems like a preset path. Steer you towards meeting someone, steer you away, having you get hit by a bus; you never know.  This had me thinking the whole time about how much of our lives do we really control. All David wanted to do was hook up with Emily’s character, Elise, cause his balls kept telling him “Do It.” I guess he loved her too and some shit. The dudes in silly hats didn’t want it to happen because the plan said it wasn’t supposed to. What heinous organization would ever want you to stay away from Emily Blunt?! Bastards.

Bastards I say.

The agents with the Bureau aren’t ever explicity outed as aliens or angels, but there is a spiritual flavor to the whole affair. You get the feeling that the whole thing is run by God or something like it. It tastes of that, but not in a preachy way. It’s explained that these otherworldly agents and the “chairman” tried to give us free will, but when they did, we went and shit all over it and proceeded to club each other over the head and bomb each other with reckless abandon. So they jumped in and took away our free will. So David does what every man who is being cock blocked does. He ignores the consequences and tries to score anyway. Cause, you know, it’s love at first boner.

Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce are cock blocking you.

This made me think- Do we really control our life and the path we take through it? Did I meet a woman and fall in love,  lose my job, then my health, then her, and end up on disability because a higher being has a plan for me? Does that make it better than it just being a series of shitty events? Is there some guy in a silly hat with a book going, “Ahhh, Marselles, yeah he’s supposed to be broke and disabled n’ shit. Let’s just tweeeeeeeak this here and that there annnnnnnnnnd…voila! Poverty with a side of disability!”? I have no idea, but I can picture it. Maybe we aren’t really driving the life car. Maybe God just lets us play with the radio and roll down the windows once in a while but we’re just passengers along for the ride for our own good. This also had me thinking, “What does the “chairman” tell those unfortunate souls whose lives PURPOSELY were planned to not amount to shit? “Well, you see Steve, we have good news and bad news. The bad news is your path was pretty simple…slow kid in school, drug habit by 15, janitor by 19, babydaddy by 20, wife leaves you for a woman by 23, you lose your testicles in a freak door accident at 26, annnnnnnnnd homicidal rampage through a KFC by 30. The good news is you did that all and died in a hail of gunfire at 27 waaaaaay ahead of schedule!! Also, you kept one nut so there’s that.”.

Look how pretty Steve! Sooooooo, we have a spot for you downstairs…

See how hard it is to sell that? Imagine if you were to find out that you had no control over what becomes of you? What would be the point of life? You’d just walk through it like a zombie and not give a shit. Would that change things? I’d like to think that life is like a ‘choose your own adventure’ book. The beginning and the end are the same, but you have the power to control some parts in the middle. Probably best you just not know I suppose.

“Look, I don’t mind you touching the radio, but no Justin Bieber shit.”