10 Signs You May Be Ghetto


We all can recognize when we have ventured too far across the tracks and ended up in the ghetto. The billboards are no longer in English. The ratio of pawn shops to Starbucks has flipped. There are jaliscos/check cashing places on every block. What we may not notice is when WE ARE ghetto. That’s why I’m here! This handy checklist will allow you to see the signs and realize if you have gone ghetto.

Turn around Marge….I think we’ve gone too far.


10. You car is a pile of shit. Mismatched body panels, three blinging rims and one regular rim, a bad bubbled tint job with your family name on the back window, and you drive an Oldsmobile cutlass- doesn’t matter what year. Also, if your rims are larger than a person, stop drinking the ghetto juice.

Yes playa, there is such a thing as too much.


9. You know the formula for grape Kool-Aid from birth. If you are truly ghetto, you buy the cheap knock-off mix or even the pre-made shit. For those who don’t know the formula it is as follows:

Shitload of sugar+shitload of grape mix= GRAPE DRAAAAAAANK!!!!

GRAPE DRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!!!

Only the ghetto know the exact ratio. It’s just a gut feeling. Hardwired into your ghettofied DNA. Some of you are nodding with a knowing smile right now. You’re ghetto. The others of you who are puzzled- you are not. Go back to your coffee.

 

 

8. Every carbonated beverage in existence is a Coke, even when you mean something else. Say you stop at the corner store and your friend offers to hook you up with a beverage. They ask, “What would you like?” You say, “A Coke.” You wait patiently in the car dreaming of the delicious goodness of a (insert favorite regional carbonated diabetic bomb of a drink here) and your friend comes back with an actual Coca-Cola. You are disappointed! Your friend should have known what you meant! Fucker! If you are laughing out loud right now…you’re ghetto.

See, America is just ghetto as shit!!!


7. When you go to the grocery store….it’s a family event. Grandma in her scooter chair, all your cousins, Ray-Ray, Lil’ Puppet, Pooky n’ them…..they ALL GO. Whether they’re needed or not. Also, none of the kids are wearing proper clothes. Some may be barefoot. The babies are just in Pampers. Grandma is packing a pistol. You’ve seen them. If you haven’t…then it’s your group.

Everyone in this picture is related. Anybody seen nana?

 

6. The furniture adorning your domicile is terribly mismatched. Your couch is cloth and beige, but your recliner is pleather and dark green. Your kitchen table is a card table with folding chairs. You’ve inherited every piece of furniture you own from someone else. Ghetto time!!! Welcome to Thunderdome, bitch!!!!

You wish your shit was this good.

 

 

5. There is a non working vehicle somewhere on your premises. Whether you live in an apartment complex, duplex, or actually have a home (which is some major feat with your shitty ghetto credit) there is a thing that vaguely resembles a vehicle rotting in your driveway or parking area. It has already died, leaving the telltale blobbed stain of oil on the asphalt or concrete, but dammit…you had good times in that motherfucker!!! You conceived your first chilren in dat ride with your first babymomma/daddy. This leads me too….

Don’t assume the one under the tarp is the non-working one. They’re all equally busted.

 

4. You have a babydaddy/babymomma. Non ghetto people tend to, you know, be married to the people they procreate with or at the very least be in a committed relationship with the person who has provided half of the genetic material to your offspring…but not ghetto people!!!! We never let having a pack of feral, bad ass kids get in the way of banging as many hood rats or gangstas as possible!

Somebody got with this….willingly. Drunk or not, this is scary.

 

3. You have MULTIPLE babydaddies/mommas. Impressive as it is to have 4 children by the age of 22, it’s even MORE impressive if those 4 kids are from 4 different parents! The family barbecues/fish frys/birthday parties are always good drama! Watching someone get drunk at a kids’ party and forget who junior’s daddy/momma is? Now that’s great entertainment.

Y’all wanna hear something funny? Y’all know Craig? See, what had happen was….

 

2. Your credit it shit. I don’t mean “Oh shoot, my score went from 750 to 680!” I mean, “God daaaaamn!!! My shit’s almost in single digits!”. You have credit so bad that loan sharks are really your only option. Payday loan places close up shop when they see you coming. Credit so jacked up that the only offers in the mail you get are for cards with an APR so high, your grandkids will still be paying off anything you might buy with it.

Y’all got layaway?

 

 

1. You’re a grandparent before you turn 40. The average age for most people becoming a grandparent is 50 for women and 52 for men. In the ghetto though, errrrbody is in a hurry so no one waits that long!!! You must be craaaaaazy!! Fuck school!!! Let’s make babies we can’t afford to take care of!!! Condoms?! Hell no, that shit ruins the feeling yo!! You have kids by 16, they have kids by 16. You’re 32 and taking care of your grandbaby while your child finishes up with their GED. So you have to wait until they’re done so you can get your GED. Then you’re 48 watching your great-grandkids with your 32 year old child (who still lives at home by the way) while your grandkids get their GEDs. Terribly vicious cycle.

Not pictured…their mother’s heads exploding.

 

 

If you’ve gotten this far and are in any way offended…you’re ghetto-er than a muuuufucka man!!!! You recognize some of these signs. Doesn’t make you a bad person at all. Be proud! Drink your juice and eat your fried baloney n’ cheese sammitch with joy!!! Now go cash yo’ gubment check and don’t forget to pick up some more Kool-Aid. You’re almost out.*

 

*This is meant as satire. Really, if you didn’t figure that out by now, there is no help for you.

 

Anyone can have ghetto ass tendencies.

 

Ghetto doesn’t discriminate. It crosses all races and regions cause it’s fucking hood like that!

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The Geek Commandments


1. Han shot first. There is no debate. Only assholes and douchebags think otherwise. Any other way it changes the very essence of who Han Solo is and lessens the impact of his character growth through the original trilogy. I don’t give a flying kung-fu fuck what George Lucas says to pull his ass out of yet another mistake he made in shitting all over his work. He’s wrong.

2. Thou shall see at least 3 midnight-showings a year. Any less and you’re just the tag along girlfriend/sibling/clueless friend/unfortunate parent/etc. You must also include a rousing group of ne’er do wells for the utmost level of geek tomfoolery and shenanigans. Costumes are encouraged. If you can actually get women to still come along after all that, you will be considered the ‘geek pimp’ of the group. Also, going to the midnight shows cuts way down on the ‘screaming baby’ and ‘douchebag jabrony’ chances by a factor of 10.

Wouldn't you rather be in a theater with these peeps than a bunch of screaming babies?

3. Thou shall suppress thine fanboyism. No one likes an over-obsessive fanboy who cries in his C-3PO cereal about the direction that the new Superman reboot is taking or that Spider-Man’s costume in the new-new reboot isn’t how it’s supposed to be or that Thor doesn’t have the silly little wings on his helmet in the movie like he does in the comics or that Chris Evans will suck as Captain America. You will give yourself an aneurysm so stop it. Nothing will live up to your expectations. Things will be changed or tweaked. As long as they don’t dick with things that completely change the whole nature of the thing (see commandment #1) then just enjoy it if it’s good or hate it on the basis that it sucks donkey nuts. Hate ‘Daredevil’ the movie because Ben Affleck sucks not because the Kingpin was black and not white like in the comics.

They can't be bargained with, they can't be reasoned with, they've never felt a real woman's boobies, and they absolutely will not stop, until your experience is ruined!


4. Thou shall restrict the geek talk to like-minded individuals. Nothing is worse than carrying on a geekversation with yourself…out loud. Just because someone asks you, “How strong is Superman?” doesn’t mean that is an invitation to assail them with an extended dissertation about his powers and where they are derived from. Be simple. Explain simple. “He’s really strong and shit.” is acceptable. Anything more and a regular person’s eyes will glaze and they will drift away back to normalworld.  How can you tell who is a like minded-individual? The dude wearing the ‘Han Shot First’ tee shirt is a safe bet. The fat guy behind the counter at any comic shop is another.

They really do exist. Trust me.

5. Thou shalt not belittle someone for liking shit you don’t. This is a rule I stick by religiously. There is stuff out there that even I, Uber-Geek of the Order of the Nerd, think is entirely too fucking nerdy. Things like ‘Magic the Gathering’ or ‘World of Warcraft’ or having a mock funeral for a fictional Star Wars character. People I know have done that last one. Really. No shit. However, I will not ridicule the person for liking to do these things. They are just not for me. Twilight is gay and retarded. The people who like it are not. They just are misguided. Kidding! Seriously, though…it sucks. Justin Bieber is a complete tool, but 13 year old girls fawn for that shit like grown geek men do for Battlestar Galactica. Does that make them bad and to be hated? No, it just makes them tasteless. 13 year old girls have no taste. That’s just the way that is, but they like what they like. I don’t hate on them for it. I blame that Bieber thing.

So...yeah.

6. Thou shall not ignore comics and books. Found a bad ass tv show that you like or a seriously rocking movie has become your new fave? Odds are it existed in book form first. ‘The Walking Dead’ tv show is fierce and all kinds of awesome. The comic series is ten times as good and more in depth. There are magically awesome things out there in print that will blow your mind. Didn’t like the ‘Watchmen’ movie? Read the graphic novel instead. Better. ‘Wanted’ the movie ate chunks? Read the graphic novel instead. Better. From ‘Preacher’, ‘Y: The Last Man, ‘World War Z’, to ‘100 Bullets’, and on and on. Go to your local book store or comic shop and just grab a few issues or ask the fat guy behind the counter. Odds are he’s been jonesing since lunch to vomit his opinion all over you about how awesome something is. Don’t show fear. They smell fear…..

You know you wanna read. It's good for you! There are pictures.

7. Thou shall not be ‘that geek’. What do I mean? I mean don’t be that person who looks down their nose at someone because they don’t know that there are seven forms of lightsaber combat (yes, there are seven. Sad that I know this) or they don’t know that Superman doesn’t need to eat food. He only does it because it makes him feel like people. Awwww! Generally, just try not to be a douchebag and ridicule someone when they say they’ve never seen ‘Star Wars’. Responding with, “Holy shit, you’ve NEVER SEEN STAR WARS?! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS?!!!” increases your chances of being bludgeoned by 50%.

WHAT?! BLASPHEMY!!!!!

8. Thou shall let thy regular friends be. We all have them, right nerds? You know, the ones who don’t understand why you had to see ‘The Dark Knight’ 4 times in 5 days or say “Chewbacca? Isn’t he in that Star Trek?” They probably would enjoy a good geek sci-fi flick or property, but they wouldn’t grasp the depth of the whole thing and appreciate it like you do. You can’t possibly explain to them why Farscape was one of the best shows on tv or that they need to be watching Fringe or even why the book is better than the movie. They’re too busy watching those Jersey Shore d-bags to really care. So stop trying to convince them to come to the geek-side and just accept their limitations for what they are.

A handy guide for people who have lives...

9. Thou shall find a geek haven and make it yours. Odds are you aren’t exactly swimming in the popularity pool if you have chosen the path of the geek. It is not always an easy road to travel, especially when you are younger. Adult geeks aren’t ridiculed as much, but you always have to watch out for the standard Cobra Kai wanna be from time to time. So all geeks need a ‘Hall of Justice’ or a ‘Watchtower’ where they can proudly let their geek flag fly. It could be a comic shop, maybe a movie theater, or even a bookstore. Wherever you choose, make it somewhere that other geeks frequent and that makes you feel comfortable and able to ‘nerd out’ all you want. Me personally I love Alamo Drafthouse movie theaters. The one I love has a comic shop attached to it!!!! All it needs now is a strip club and I’m set.

Yes, just like this.

10. Thou shall band together. Watch out for your fellow geek. Stand up for them. Be the voice. Speak up. We have power. We can crush with knowledge. We can cut with words. We are legion for we are many. Make people understand that being a geek will…

A. Get you made

b. Get you paid

c. Get you laid.

You think Christopher Nolan was the cool kid in school? You think Bill Gates got to bang the cheerleader? Probably not. Before Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook, how much trim do you think he got? After? Well, I damn well bet it’s more than he did before. You have to work at it, but you can parlay your geekiness into some awesome shit that will get you swimming in money, geek street-cred, bitches(manly geeks for you ladies), and..did I mention money?

He's laughing at you. Not pictured...his bitches. Also not pictured....his 7 billion dollars. Now go back to Farmville.


Comic-Con will get you laid. Having an insane amount of money also works.


LEGION!

Now, before you say anything about my use of language or have an issue with my non-PCness. Fuck off. I don’t care. This is my blog. I’m a geek. Proud of it. I am the one that many of my fellow geek friends look to for guidance. Cause, you know, I’m awesome. 🙂