To Aquaman


I found this handwritten letter while cleaning my apartment. I had forgotten I wrote this. This was on the day one of my friends, Jonathan Vela, passed away. These were my thoughts at the time. Please be respectful in your comments.

To Jonathan,

I wish I knew you better. I should have known you better. We were classmates. We attended so many of the same geek events. I had every opportunity to get to be a true friend to you. You were a greater man and human being than any I’ve ever known, save for my mother. Your selfless attitude and passion for helping others knew no limits. You had a level of bravery unmatched by even the most legendary warriors. You would dress up as Aquaman and people would ridicule you and make fun, but you always shook it off with a smile and a disarming charm. I grew to admire your unwavering dedication to and love for your community. Humanity, really. The example you set for us all can never be eclipsed. The world was far too undeserving a place for the likes of you.

To know that you are gone makes me very sad and incredibly angry; angry at a universe that would allow such a terrible end befall such a beautiful, soulful human. Why you? Why in the prime of your life? What could you have possibly done in your short life to be saddled with such a tragic and unfair ending to your story? Why are others, evil others, rewarded for their cold actions against mankind? Why do they live and you do not? The only thing I can think is that there is no intelligent design and we are on this blue orb, hurtling through the black void, alone and rudderless. Maybe the universe is completely fair in its complete unfairness.

All I do know is that the world, San Antonio, cosplay, geekdom, and most of all the Velas, have lost a man of immesurable beauty and good. We all look for heroes in the world. I can say with certainty that we lost one today. We lost a legend. Rest in peace and take solace in a job well done, Aquaman.

You will always be my friend, Jonathan.

Aquaman

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Holey Grail Phallacy


Huh?

 

You are probably wondering about that title. What the deuce is Chocolate Machismo talking about now? I’m talking about….

Cute? Check. Adorkable? Check. Quirky? Check. Hot tits and a vagina that is powered by a flux capacitor? I can only hope.

 

Zooey Deschanel. Ok, not her specifically. She didn’t do anything other than be hot and infinitely boneable. What I mean by a holey grail phallacy is that she has become a poster girl for guys chasing the geek dream….a geek woman. You know the type. Hot, cute, funny, likes the same nerd shit you do, and most importantly, she wants to get without clothes with you and makey the nerd beast with you while wearing your Hulk hands. Every nerd man who loves women hopes to find a girl like this. They exist, but you’re already too late.

 

Like you haven’t thought about this, you nerd.

Sure, there are really hot nerd women out there that look like Olivia Munn and Zooey Deschanel, but they end up with guys like you and I never. Why not?! What’s missing?!

Dolla dolla bills, y’all!

Oh, right, money.

 

Now this isn’t doom and gloom here. You geek men can find wonderful nerd women who will blow your Iron Man socks off. We just need to pay attention to the ladies that pay attention to us. Stop looking for your own nerd holey grail. Stop looking for your own Tricia Helfer who HAS TO BE EXACTLY WHAT YOU ALWAYS DREAMED YOU WANTED, and open up to the potential of all the really horny and lonely nerd women who you most likely dismiss regularly. Does this mean you should settle? Noooo. Just stop looking for the fantasy version of what you want. You might even find a…GASP….regular chick. WHAAAAAAAT?!

 

This isn’t Fringe. Olivia Dunham doesn’t exist. So get off that wall, let your balls descend, and get out there and talk to a real woman you might not normally talk to.

 

Do it…….

Cause you don’t look like this. If you do, then god bless you cause you aren’t reading this stupid blog, and you’re probably out having lots of sex.

 

But I’m betting you don’t so get to it! Why the title Holey Grail Phallacy? Come on guys, you have penises. Figure it out. And if any ladies are reading this, I hope to God you don’t have a penis. It’s such a curse!!!!!! All that peeing standing up is terrible!

 

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I’m lying. Having a penis is the fucking business! I can’t even pretend that it isn’t awesome.

All Your Base Are Belong to Love


The series of guest bloggers continues with one of my new geek friends, Kimberly Hall, and her take on what geek love means and why it can differ from muggle love. Shit, that sounds like the name of a band. “Coming to the stage…please welcome… MUGGLE LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!!” So please take some time to read this quickie. As always, come check us out at The Geekvengers or Geekvengers.com. We have a group on Facebook and yes, you may join if you feel that you are nerdy enough. Now, from what I have seen of Kimberly and her relationship with her other nerd half, it’s all very disgustingly sweet, loving nerd love. It could give you diabeetus.

And…away….we……GO….

 

I googled geek love and this came up. God, if I could get a woman to do this, I would shit bricks of rainbows and puppies. Now, if I could just get a woman…..

 

 

Geek love? When two nerds stumble upon each other and fall into the nerdy goodness that is love. What’s more nerdy than being in love? Nothing! At its core, being a nerd is being unafraid of showing extraordinary enthusiasm and adoration. It’s about being vulnerable and silly and without limits. Sounds like love to me.

Someone set us up the bomb! Bomb being sweet, sweet, nerdy luuuurrrrrrrv.

 
Geek love isn’t about finding another nerd who geeks out about the same stuff you do. It’s about finding someone who revels in all that is nerdy, geeky, and goofy with you. For example, I don’t read a lot of the superhero style comics (i.e. your Spider-Man, your Green Lantern, etc…). It’s just not my thing. However, when my own nerd of choice gets a new Thor costume in the mail, what other response could I have than OMFG PUT IT ON RIGHT NOW LET’S TAKE PICTURES!!! YOU EVEN HAVE ENOUGH BEARD TO PULL OFF THOR! YOU’RE TOTALLY A NORSE GOD! Because that’s what nerds do. They delight in the extraordinary. They have no problem with suspending reality and enjoying play.

I shall show her my Mjolnir later and we will rejoice!!! VERILY!!! FORSOOTH!!!!

The best part of geek love is the comfort you have in each other and the joy that comes from the union of two playful people. You don’t think twice about running up to the cardboard cut out at the movie theater and excitedly handing your phone to your partner to get your picture with Theodore the Chipmunk, because he reminds you to make sure you get the Theodore beanie baby you have in your purse in the shot. You don’t hesitate suggesting a Mega Man rock opera concert date because your geek darling would never turn down a costumed spectacle show NOR a rock opera, even if she knows nothing about Mega Man.

Yes, there are indeed enough drugs for this to happen.

It’s the mutual agreement of “Yes! Let’s do it!” that comes in so many forms. OF COURSE the cat needs a Batman costume. How could we NOT join hundreds of other people dressed as zombies and swarm the Alamo?!?! We MUST google this movie/director/actor trivia RIGHT EFFING NOW. Not that geek love is perfect or without the same issues other kinds of couples face. It’s not. I just happen to be biased and think that nerds, who care more about a lot of things deeply to the point of the mystification of non-nerds, have a really great capacity for love.

BECAUSE. WE. FUCKING. CAN. THAT’S WHY.

 

 

Thank you, Kimberly! That was very poignant and heartfelt. The part about dressing up the cat is a little odd, but we all do crazy things for love! Geek love, especially.

IT’S A TRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP! A LOOOOOOOVE TRAP.

 

And who doesn’t wanna be in the kind of love that let’s you dress as motherfucking Admiral Ackbar on your wedding day?!!!!!

 

 

I Hate Loving You, Batman.


While I procrastinate and make a decision on whether I should buy some adult underoos, I thought it would be nice to give some other suckers fine upstanding friends of mine an opportunity to guest blog here. So without further ado and before the mental imagery of me in underoos sinks in too deep, I give you Mark Castillo’s wonderful take on his love/hate affair with The Dark Knight Rises….

Shhhhh, the bad man didn’t mean to hurt you.

 

 

Do witty status updates make for interesting blogging? I doubt it, but I invite you to be the judge. What follows is a Batman fan’s rant about the The Dark Knight Rises:

 

            The Darkness fell on me during the summer of 1997. I was promised an all star spectacle of a Batman movie, one that would include the Man that broke the Bat. God, what was I thinking? You know that feeling you get when you’re about to make a bad decision? You know when you see that hot chick dancing by herself at the bar making eyes at you? You know the one that screams that something’s not right, but you go over and talk to her because she’s the only one making eye contact with you (geeks, this rarely happens so I had to take every chance to be with the female species! Well back in the day…lol.). Yeah my gut was screaming at me, but curiosity and a misplaced infatuation with Alicia Silverstone over rode my better judgement.

May we always remember the pain, so we never go back.

 

            Geeks, nerds, fellow weirdos, you know what followed. It was one of the worst movies of that year, if not that decade. Clooney was terrible, Ahhh-nuld was super hammy and way overpaid, Uma was her normal un-sexy self playing a character that is supposed to ooze sexuality (chemically induced or not), and that guy that was supposed to be Bane, why would any writer take such a perfect character and reduce him….to that? Batm….no I shan’t even refer to it by name, because it hurts so much. That shitty movie killed my favorite comic movie franchise for eight long, dark years. Making me feel like I had awoken the morning after meeting a crazy hot chick, only to discover I was in a tub of ice and one kidney was missing.

This is less traumatic than that Joel Cuntpuncher movie.

 

            Then there was hope, in ’05 Batman was reborn into the world and given a spin that only a great visionary could give him. I was happy, but depressed, because there was no way the Nolans could top that movie. Boy was I wrong, but I digress, this geek’s rant could go on for pages singing the praises of Batman Begins and the Dark Knight. That’s not why I’m sitting here clicking keys on the work laptop pretending to be working on emails. I have a problem, and it bugs me because it has caused a rift in my geek nature. TDKR is that hot crazy chick all over again, because I love and hate The Dark Knight Rises.

 

            The comic geek in me hates this movie. How in the blue hell do you go from being a recluse and sitting around the mansion sulking for eight years, and just jump back into being the most bad ass super hero on the planet? I mean there was no conditioning or training montage, so what the heck? One little high tech knee brace and you’re back in the game? “I think not!” says my inner geek. Yes, “He’s the God Damn Batman”, but the hook to Nolan’s Batman was that he was supposed to be more realistic, more grounded. That’s why he showed us all the details of becoming Batman in Begins. So that is and isn’t a valid argument here.  Bruce Wayne just jumps back into being the Batman the way you or I would just go out for a walk in summer air. That just seems unrealistic.

TRAINING MONTAGE?! I’M THE GOD DAMNED…oh, you get it.

 

            Fine, so at its core it is supposed to be a comic book movie. You’re supposed to be able to allow some fantastic elements. So let’s fast forward past some of the movie, and get to the pit. Bruce is beaten and broken, and Bane just decides to take a couple of days to put him in the same hell hole he came from. Sigh….fine. So of course there just happens to be a bad ass chiropractor in jail with him, and patches up Mr. Wayne. *Grumble*. Sure, push ups and anger really gets one back in shape in what is supposed to be the passage of several months. I disliked the Dark Knight Rises for most of the same reasons that my best friend hated the movie. Conveniently leaving the cops alive, “Robin” John Blake just figuring out who Batman is, the list could go on and on. However, all of this in my mind was easily forgivable because of something my wife said.

 

            The casting of Marion Collard screamed Talia, I knew that she would betray Batman, but my wife was caught off guard. “That was an awesome twist! Did you have any idea that she was the daughter, the child that escaped the prison!?”, she said as we left. “Well yeah, from the second she was cast…”, I muttered nonchalantly. “Wow, too bad you couldn’t have seen that through my eyes.”, she said and then I thought, “Yes, that is too bad..”

Re-enactment of actual events.

 

            So then instead of letting my inner geek rant, I stopped and thought about what I loved. Bane was finally done justice and made into the master tactician and awesome villain that he is supposed to be. Sure his accent wasn’t quite right, but hey, when he squared off against Batman in the sewers, it was great. It was the brutal, heart stopping fight I had read over and over again. Taunting and toying with the man that had once thought himself the master of martial arts with no equal. He didn’t just beat Batman, he literally broke him. Nolan brought this to life beautifully on screen, so much so that I almost crushed my wife’s hand at the climax of the fight.  When Batman is at his best, he entertains, and enthralls. I felt the boyhood satisfaction of seeing the Batman effortlessly take down thug after thug all with what I assume is the normal Bat-scowl that I’ve come to emulate when trying to intimidate my children at bedtime. Gordon dealing with the weight of the secret he knows, Alfred trying to stop Bruce from getting himself killed, and of course Mr. Freeman playing Lucius Fox just the way I’ve come to know and love.  These were all the things that I liked and loved. What made the movie more than just good, but great.

Come at me, bro.

 

            The final conflict seemed busy, but then again, realistically I’m sure that an urban war would be much the same way, and when all was said and done I was entertained and enthralled for the last act of the movie, unrealistic parts and plot holes included. However, it is in that last act that I felt the most betrayed, because it was here that Nolan ended his saga, and with one mighty fusion driven blast the Batman became the everlasting symbol of truth and justice that Gotham needed and deserved.  With one final act of heroism the Batman saves the day, at least until the cafe scene, anyway. There we see what we can argue is either Alfred seeing what he wants to believe or what he is actually seeing. Either way, it is something that a Batman fan would consider a slap in the face. Bruce is sitting there with Selena supposedly having escaped the blast by completing the missing autopilot programming and somehow escaping the blast radius. Yes, it makes for movie happy ending material, but when you’ve read the comics like I have, you just can’t accept a version of Batman that is okay with not being Batman any more. I mean, in the comics the guy practically if not actually refers to himself as Batman in his inner monologues. So really, Christopher Nolan, really? That’s how you bring your awesome saga to an end!? It’s, it’s…realistic. Despite the glaring plot hole of how he could have escaped it works. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t give me indigestion, but it works. No matter how much I would want to be the Batman until I’m dead. Realistically I know that not even the most capable man is able to support being the Batman for more than a few years, a decade at most. So even though I hate the ending, it makes sense.

My Bat-401k portfolio is looking good.

 

            So there you have it folks, I love and hate this movie. What more can I say? Was it the best of three movies? No, but that’s my opinion, and definitely not what my first blog entry is supposed to be about.  My night with TDKR left me feeling whole and strangely satisfied the next day, and sure maybe my wallet was gone, but hey, the ride was worth it.

 

Ladies and gents, Mr. Castillo was the first guy I ever met that knew as much as I claimed to know about comics and nerd properties. We spent many an insufferable workday at Hell, I mean QVC, ranting about Star Wars, comics, chicks, and why our boss at the time had the grip strength of Robocop. So when I say he knows his shit, I mean it. Hope you enjoyed this! Up next, my new friend Kimberly Hall shares with us her take on what geek love is and how it differs from the regular person variety. As always, please visit us at The Geekvengers or Geekvengers.com and share with your brethren if you are so inclined!