The Blurred Nerds: Episode II


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We discuss some Adele, Mockingjay Part 2, Jessica Jones, the etiquette of talking at the movies, what we’re thankful for, Black Friday shenanigans, some dog wrangling, and the joy of being a geek!

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Nerd Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaage!!!!!


Hiya nerds and geeks! Selles here, bringing you another installment of my exquisite brand of geeknanigans. Today’s blog is sponsored by nerd rage!!!!! We as nerds all know about nerd rage, don’t we? Yes, we do. You know what I’m talking about.

I will go all Bolo Yeung on your neck right now I’m in such a nerd rage!!!!

No? Lemme tell you. Nerd rage is usually something that manifests itself when ‘Normals’ (i.e., non-nerd douchebags) say or do something that is an affront to all of your hard edged and honed nerd sensibilities, or the establishment fucks with or destroys something you love. This blog was written with the help of my geek menagerie, The Geekvengers. Never will you find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy! I asked them for ideas and things that make them dream of beating people about the head and neck with their Hulk hands.

If the Hulk gets that pissed over running out of toilet paper, douchebags should run for their lives.

 

No, actually, they’re nice people. Except that one guy with all the action figures. I don’t trust him. Anyway, down to the list……

This kid’s book sold for about 2.5 million dollars recently. Good thing the owner didn’t listen to their parents, huh?

1. “Comic books are for kids!” -As an avid comic book collector for the past 25 years, I have heard this common refrain quite enough to make me want to bash people over the head with one of my comic boxes. Stuff like, “Why do you read those?”. Listen, some of the most intriguing, compelling, emotional, gripping, and amazing stories ever written or drawn have been between the pages of those so called kid’s books. Every superhero movie you’ve ever seen is based on those kid’s books. Regular people like those movies, heck, they may even love them, so why hate on the source material? That Dark Knight Trilogy that everyone is lining up to suck on its awesome teat? What do you think it is based on? I could name all the graphic novels that those movies pull from, but your head might explode from all the knowledge. Why do I read comic books? Because they are fucking art. It takes great artists and great writers a month to put together one issue that takes you 10 seconds to dismiss? Grow a pair and man up. Read a comic. It’s ok to look at the pictures. Some smart ass motherfuckers read comics. You should too.

Stormtroopers get bitches.

2. “It’s silly to dress up!”– Look, I’m not one to do this myself, but I have numerous friends who do and they love it. I can see into their souls, and their souls are dressed up as a stormtrooper or Kaylee or Jayne Cobb (yes, with the hat!). I enjoy seeing that type of devotion to something. I don’t mock a chick for slathering on too much makeup, wearing something that makes people focus on their tits as if they were a red-assed baboon, stripper heels, and enough perfume to choke the ozone. Isn’t that dressing up too? What makes what nerds and geeks do different? Is it because people have deemed what we do as socially unacceptable? Because it makes you uncomfortable? ‘Normal’ folks think we are somehow damaged or broken, which in my experiences is as far from the truth as possible. They are some of the finest people you could ever meet. The joy it brings out in my friends shows on their faces every time they have an opportunity to do it. Why would you shit on that? So it isn’t your thing. So what?

3. “You’ll grow out of it.” Some people do, I won’t lie. That kid who went to see Star Wars on opening day could have grown up to be a normal, regular adult who doesn’t own action figures or whose walls aren’t adorned with signed photos or framed art or posters. Most likely they grew up and got into sports and have a favorite team or three, or they got into music, or they like to build things, or race cars, or whatever other hobby you can think of. So why then do people say such dumb shit like, “When are you going to grow up and get rid of all this kid’s stuff”?! I answer with, “My bad ass Bane statue says to go fuck yourself.” EVERYONE has things that they still like but really probably shouldn’t. It’s an escape from the everyday life. Nerds and geeks have jobs, we pay bills, we raise kids, we have pets, we can do all the normal crap you do, we just to get to come home to our awesome nerd shelves and our rocking DVD collection. We also run your IT department, so keep watching porn at work. Go ahead. I dare you.

Nerds made this while they were busy not growing up.

4. Posers. Said with dripping disgust and ire. Unfortunate that I have to use an 80’s term, but I feel that it fits. They may also be known as their government name…hipsters. You know the ones of which I speak? The jackass that wears the Punisher t-shirt and has no fucking idea who the Punisher is, why he punishes, or that Frank Castle is a bad motherfucker who has taken on Spider-Man, Daredevil, and whoever else he feels needs a beat down. Ahem…sorry, nerd rant. They wear shit ironically because the design is “Cool, bro” or because they’re trying to make it popular. Sorry to break it to you hipster douchecannons, but all that nerd shit you wear would have gotten you a beating when I was in school. NO ONE WORE NERD ANYTHING for risk of being dunked in a toilet and given an atomic fusion 10 megaton wedgie. Now I can’t go five feet without seeing someone wearing a Tardis t-shirt or Superman’s crest on their chest. Why does it piss me off? Because you didn’t EARN IT. You didn’t grow up loving these properties and suffering through the dark ages like I did!!!!! When all you had was your imagination and free time. When you finally get to see Bane in The Dark Knight Rises on the big screen portrayed as you always had dreamed since Joel Suckmorecher made him a knuckledragging mongol beast and some taintnugget mutters, “Dude, who is this guy?! I can’t understand him!”, I wish I had mental powers so I could melt the guys head out from under his knit cap. It’s fucking SUMMER, guy!!!! Take it off!!! Real nerds and geeks wear what we do because we know what the deuce it’s about. We get it. When you get that knowing nod as you pass another nerd it makes it worth it. No, you can’t be in the club.

A handy visual! You know who doesn’t like visuals? Hipsters.

5.  Hollywood. This isn’t so much a single particular thing as a broad blanket cast over the institution of moviemaking. Hollywood can get it right with movies such as The Dark Knight Trilogy, X-Men: First Class (except for it’s lack of color), and Watchmen. However, most often they get it waaaaaaaaaay wrong. Like X-Men Origins: Wolverine wrong. Michael Bay’s Transformers transforming your childhood into salty tears you cry into your Optimus Prime pillowcase wrong. We all understand that changes have to be made to make these properties attractive to the mainstream audiences, but when you fundamentally change who a character is so the “new, hot star” can play them, you’re doing it wrong. Taylor Kitsch wrong. I’ll use him as an example. He played Gambit in the aforementioned shitty Wolverine movie. He wasn’t portrayed as cajun. Why? I don’t know. Most likely because Taylor in all his smoldering hotness (I’ve heard), cannot do a proper cajun accent. He was shitty. Handsome, but shitty. Another example is Bane from Joel Suckasser’s (sorry, I refuse to utter that turdnuggets name) movie that sort of resembled a Batman movie, but sucked a ton. When one of your favorite characters is ruined by Hollywood’s need to give you their version and not the essence of the character from the comic books (There are those damned kid’s books again!) it sucks away a piece of your soul. You can’t explain your exasperation and your vitriol. Not to the normal people.

They got the invisible part right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. “No, that’s not how it happened! My brother saw the Spider Man movie and says…..” FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU! Be quiet. You tread into dangerous territory here. Do not correct a nerd or geek. Trust me. We will always know more about it than your brother who saw the Amazing Spider-Man. Unless your brother is a super nerd like me. If not, then just be quiet over there, listen, and you may learn something. Knowledge is power! A true geek knows the difference between artificial web-shooters and organic ones and that Gwen Stacy MUST DIE to make the new movies even close to legit. Bitch has gotta go. The rules. Not up for debate. We have forgotten more shit about nerd happenings and whatnot than you will ever know.

Unless you have blue or red lasers, you’ve already lost.

7. “Chewbacca? Oh, I love him! He’s from that Star Trek, right?” – There is no faster way to make me fantasize about kung-fuing the shit out of you like I’m Neo and you’re Morpheus than to add characters from one property into another. I seriously don’t know how you could possibly mix up Star Wars and Star Trek. The only similarities between the two is that they take place in space and have Star in their titles. When you’ve seen one or the other, you don’t mix them up. So when you utter dumb statements like that I know you haven’t seen either and are just trying to stay in a conversation in which you were hopelessly outmatched to begin with. Go back to your Kardashians gossip. Nerds prefer Cardassians, thank you.

Because, fuck you guys, that’s why.

Prequels: The Case of the Nerd Boner Killer


Hey there, fearless readers, it is I, Marselles, bringing you another epic glimpse into the geeknagerie inside my head. Any of you that have heard or witnessed me geek rant for any length of time know that prequels and I get along about as well as Stephanie Meyer and actual good writing. This blog was spurred on by my recent viewing of Prometheus last month. The people behind that movie swore up and down that it was, “Not an Alien prequel”. I thought, “Oh, ok, cool. That might be interesting!” Five minutes into the movie I was thinking, “Fuck you, Ridley, this is an Alien prequel!!!” It wasn’t the movie’s fault. Prequels just suck. It is unavoidable. Name one prequel movie that doesn’t suck. Go on. I’ll wait.

If you came up with “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” I applaud your super nerdery to even know that it is technically a prequel! Besides that, you can’t come up with much. Why? Cause they kill nerd boners. Here are five reasons why:

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Space Doctor: “Dude, our shit looks waay better that those gay ass colonial marines! Why is that again, android?”
Dave, the android: “You see, doctor, it has to do with the principle of…Shit, we just thought no one would fucking notice.”

1. The Technology Gap– You know how when you watched the Star Wars prequels and noticed that everything wasn’t just new and shiny, but the technology looked far fucking superior to the knobs and switches that permeated the original trilogy? You thought, “Nerd Sense tingling! Waitaminnit! This is incorrect!” That’s the first thing that turns me colder than Eskimo pussy right there. Take Prometheus as a current example of that. I don’t know if directors just forget there are decades between their movies and don’t feel the need to “make shit look ancient in the old movies that are really the new movies but are telling the story from before the old movies”, but what I do know is that when my eyes see flat screens, touch consoles, 3D hologram displays, an android that makes Bishop look like a dinosaur and ray guns occurring 87 years before they were still using projectile weapons in the space marines, my nerd taint folds in on itself as if there was a rip in the fabric of space-time.

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“Chewbacca, see me you do not. Tell your sister I was here, you will not.”

2. The “Oh, Isn’t that the Guy (Pearce) from the Other Ones?” Syndrome– Again, I use the Star Wars prequel as the prime example of shoehorning a character from a previous set of movies into the ‘prequels’. “They worked in the first ones, right? Let’s find an excuse to bring them back. Man, we’re gonna sell a lot of fucking toys!!!!! Chewbacca with prequel vine-swinging action is gonna kill!” “Boba Fett is only going to be 10? Fuck yeah! Who isn’t gonna want a toy of a kid that doesn’t do shit through a whole movie?!! Can we package him with Slave Anakin with authentic whining action?”  This applies to Prometheus and the Alien vs Predator films for trying their damnedest to stick us with a Weyland. They are forgettable, throwaway characters that fit every stereotype of insanely rich assholes. Hard for me to care for a character like that. So when they do that I know he or she is only there for one reason. To die. Like a bitch with ‘cock in ass’ as those fine folks in ‘Spartacus’ are so fond of saying.

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The Gods like anal. Kinky fucks

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“So, anyway, egg goo got into this dude, then he fucked this chick and she popped out a squid that fucked my boy in the face and he gave birth to a guy who lays eggs……You still listening?”

3. The Need to Keep it Complicated- Can’t follow the story as it is? Well, allow us to make it more complicated and unnecessarily vague and difficult to follow! A bio-weapon made by Space Jockeys to kill humans, gets into a human through the douche-bag sabotage of an android (Oh, no, the android is a dick? Who knew?!), he bangs his chick, puts his now mutated sperm into her barren space vagina, and five minutes later, she has auto surgery to remove the baby squid thing. Never mind that she cuts open her abdomen and staples that shit back together in a machine that amounts to an Apple iSurgery machine and is on her feet running in like 2 minutes! Focus here! This squid thing rapes its way into the mouth of one of the Space Engineer Jockey guys and quicker than you can say “Convoluted!” out pops one of the xenomorphs we know and love! Uh, why not just make the initial egg a damn facehugger, Engineers? Ridley? Come on, man. Simplify it, bro. There’s being complex and deep in your storytelling and then there’s unnecessary flaming plot loops. Facehuggers+chest bursting+running and screaming= intergalactic shenanigans!

“Who’s up for some Space Shenanigans?!”

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“Step right up! Get your Force powers here!!!!”

4. I Demystify Thee! I don’t care about what the Space Jockey’s really were all about. Stop destroying the mysticism of it. Sometimes, what you don’t know needs to be left like it is…a mystery. The Force bound all living things. Why? Fuck, it just does, ok?! It likes it and does it because…fuck you that’s why! So when you take something that used to have some mystery and secrecy to it and boil it down to a scientific anomaly or you make the most mysterious unknown alien beings in possibly the history of science fiction (besides where Yoda comes from and what he is) into pale bodybuilding freaks, you kill all the built up cache of your movies. Part of what made the first two Alien movies and the original Star Wars trilogy endure after all these years were because there was mystery! That even in these galaxies of advanced technology and power, there are still unknown questions and things that you do not understand and may never. Sometimes, you just don’t get to know. Or at least you shouldn’t. Don’t tell me that the night before Batman’s parents died tragically in front of his eyes, Thomas Wayne was railing Mrs. Wayne in her chocolate starfish while she screamed Alfred’s name. It may have happened, but don’t tell me cause it saps the magic!

Not seen here was the wreck Mrs. Wayne’s butthole was. Thomas really attacked it hard.

5. You Know How The Ride Ends– The very nature of a prequel is the story before the story you know and love. You know that Ripley whups that xenomorph ass and rides off into the sunset! (Let’s pretend in our perfect nerd universe that this actually happened and not what we got in Alien 3 and Alien: Res-Erection Killer). So by that logic, you can deduce that whatever happened to the good Dr. Elizabeth Shaw from Prometheus isn’t good. She most likely died a terribly stupid death on a planet deep in space and no one ever heard from her or her theories again. If anyone on Earth actually found out what the deal was, the events of the subsequent movies never would have happened! There isn’t any suspense with the story. No one who was on-board the Prometheus were ever mentioned again in the history of ever. You would think a science mission, sent by the wealthiest corporation, to find the god damned meaning of life, the universe, and everything going missing and never being heard from again would, you know, have someone asking questions somewhere!!! That’s the inherent problem with these stories and trying to connect them to the original stories. The sheer amount of time between them allows for too many plot holes and gaps that just can’t be explained. You go, “Oh, look, there is a character I know! They must live cause they’re in the sequels!! Originals?!! Whatever, they don’t die.” then you say, “So all the rest of these fucks I don’t know must eat it before the end of this sumbitch!” You know who lives, who dies, where, and when. The only question maybe is how. Turns out it’s always with cock in ass.

I hope you enjoyed reading about my reasons for why prequels make my nerd wood flaccid. Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this is any way, shape, or form, please feel free to subscribe or follow me and my merry band of GeekVengers on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, and coming soon, our very own website! Cause we’re nerds, geeks, and un-repentant media whores who need your love to make us whole.

Superhero Black Out


If you’ve read any of my previous blog posts you have come to two realizations:

1. I am a serious geek.

This is my actual coffee table.

2. I have far too much free god damned time on my hands. See the above picture.

This blog is of a geek nature but within it there is a real social message. I watch a shit-ton of movies and read an equally shit-ton of comics and science fiction-ey books. While they are all mostly good and all that, there is a theme running through many, if not all, of them. Or lack thereof. Black heroes. Yes, I’m talking about black people. Where are they? What the fuck? I guess I should say where are all the upstanding, non-stereotypical portrayals of black people in comics, movies, and books. Black people make up like 1.3 billion of the world’s 6.7 billion people. By black I mean anyone of a dark chocolate or milk chocolate skin tone. With that many of us you would think that there would be some tall, dark, and bad-ass superheros and shit, right? You’d be super wrong. Let’s examine shall we?

1. You argue that one of the Green Lanterns is black. John Stewart. Sure, he’s bad-ass and has great powers and was gifted with a power ring and entrusted with the protection of Earth’s sector of space, buuuuuuuuut he was the god damned 3rd string Green Lantern after Hal Jordan and Kyle Rayner. Two white guys. Also, Stewart has a belligerent attitude towards authority figures. Just like a common stereotype of black men. Why the black dude gotta have issues? Everyone does! Let’s give everyone a problem, not just the scary black dude.

Seriously, The Green Lantern movie would have been better black. 🙂

2. Luke Cage. A man with invulnerable skin and super strength is awesome right? Hell yeah he is! Of course he can’t be too awesome because, well, he’s black and we can’t have black guys looking more heroic than their caucasian counterparts can we? Let’s make him a convict who volunteers for a top secret program to give him his Shaft-like BAMFYness! Then when he escapes from jail or whatever, have him become a hero for hire! Because lord knows those darkies won’t do anything for altruistic reasons! They like money too much! Uhh, give him a shitty catchphrase too! “Sweet Christmas?” “Perfect, let’s go to print!” “Susan, we need more cocaine!!!”

This was his original costume. Hey it was the 1970s. The drugs were good and plentiful.

3. The Falcon. Sam Wilson started out as a social worker determined to help inner city youth when he adopted a falcon anddonned a silly costume that let him fly. He has no powers other than being able to talk to birds or something. When you’re more shitty than Aquaman, there’s a problem. This back-story and intro was apparently too upstanding for the mainstream folks so they decided to retconn (retroactively going back and changing a character’s past or origin) it into him being a former thug and a pimp who was ‘angry at the world’ cause his mother was shot and killed. So he said, “Fuck this helping people noise, I’m gonna go get some bitches and make them earn dollas, fo sho!!” What the deuce?! Bruce Wayne’s parents are shot and killed by a mugger and he becomes the GOD DAMNED BATMAN!!! A black guy though? He turns criminal after one really bad break? Of course with the help of the terminally white Steve Rogers (Captain America) Wilson becomes a hero! So the black guy has to get help and be rehabbed by the incorruptible white man? Come on guys!! We aren’t all pimps and thugs.

Bitch, when I get back from superhero'n, you betta have my money.

4. Bishop. Lucas Bishop is a mutant from the future who goes back in time and joins the X-Men to possibly change the past  to prevent the terrible future he comes from. One where all mutants have been rounded up and put into concentration camps. That’s where he grew up, the little scamp! Since he’s black, he fails. Not once, not twice, but like three times. Then he decides to fuck it all and goes bad, becoming one of the X-Men’s main villains. Of course, he’s a loud, angry antihero. Maybe this is more from where he comes from and his experiences, but I don’t buy it. Why can’t you portray the minority as a stand-up good man? We exist, trust me.

Brutha, you seem easily upset....

5. Geordi LaForge. Star Trek: The Next Generation. It doesn’t just happen in comics, it happens in tv and films too. You might think a black chief engineer on the greatest fucking starship known to man would be the whizbang, and it would be if they hadn’t made that negro blind! Sure he got a visor that allowed him to see and shit and eventually got cyber eyes, but why do that to him in the first place? You’ll argue “Well, Picard had an artificial heart!” and I’ll counter-argue “Well that Frenchman got into a fucking barfight and was stabbed thru the heart!” That sure is a better ‘gettin’ bitches’ story than “I was born blind”. They couldn’t even make his disability cool. The one time he got close to scoring a chick? She was a holodeck recreation of a real scientist chick he had a crush on. He almost hooked up with the hologram too. Then he met the real chick and thought she would be all on his space nuts like a tribble, but then guess what? She rejected him. So he got cockblocked twice by the same chick essentially. Come on, they let the fucking android get some pussy! Not the darkman apparently.

This was just too cool to not put in here. This is how pimpin' LaForge should have been.

These are just a few examples that come to mind, but there are so many more out there. Take some time to sit and think about a black character that you would consider great like Superman, Batman, Captain America, or Capt. Kirk, Spock, or any of a number of sci-fi legends. When I was little I thought Darth Vader was black. Nevermind that Luke and Leia were white kids. I just assumed that nigga got with a white woman and had some light skinned chilrens. Then Return of the Jedi came and lo and behold…he was an old, white guy. Dammit!!!! Lando Calrissian was the shit, but the only black man in a whole galaxy? Really? Sure we got Mace Windu, but George Lucas muted everything that was fucking cool about Samuel “Motherfucking” Jackson by making him play Mace like he was Ed Begley Jr. Then there is Jar Jar Binks. The most annoying stereotype of a black man ever. He looked weird, talked weird, acted weird, was dumb as a box of rocks, and did I mention completely useless? Also, he was voiced by a black man, Ahmed Best. That says it all right there.

This was the only way this asshole was going to appear in my blog.

Look at the most recent X-Men: First Class for further proof that Hollywood has not learned and still sees minorities as secondary, throwaway characters. Without being too spoilery for those who haven’t seen it…they kill the half Latino-half Black mutant first. He’s named Darwin. Real name Armando Munoz. Seriously, a guy with a nickname that reeks of survival of the fittest……was killed FIRST. Was his power something super stupid and lame? No. He could adapt his body to survive most any environment or threat. Yet…..they find a way to kill him in the movie. In the comics he’s actually a cool character and does so much more than this throwaway role in the movie. The other minority character, Angel Maldonado, known as Angel (not the Warren Worthington one unfortunately) starts out as a stripper and then eventually becomes a villain. Quit whining, I’m not spoiling anything! If you are reading these geek shenanigans, odds are you have already seen the movie. So the remaining hero characters are all white and save the day. Two of the villains look physically menacing and different so they cannot hide their mutations. So the different looking, darker colored mutants are obviously the meanies? Of course. Let’s give one of them horns and a tail!!! The black man is the devil!!!! BOOOOOO!!!!! This movie takes place in a fictional version of the early 1960s. An era full of social and racial upheaval and you couldn’t at least let the brutha survive to the end of the movie?!!!

The X-Men before affirmative action.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love Pulp Fiction and Jules Winnfield. That nigga is the shit, but he’s still a bad man. The difference was he was so damned cool about it!!! Anybody who can rock a jheri-curl, spout out fake bible verses, and have a wallet with BAD MOTHERFUCKER on it is a straight up…well…..bad motherfucker. Again, the character was written by a crazy white dude. Albeit Tarantino grew up around black folks so his portrayal of black people was colored by his experiences around black people. Stereotype or not, anyone who has grown up or lived in the ghetto knows at least one scary black dude. My point is that these are the only ones that we get to see in popular entertainment these days. I guess I’m as guilty as anyone of perpetuating this situation by still watching, reading, and playing these properties. I just notice it more lately than I used to.

Nigga, what'd the fuck you say about my curl?

This subject I’m going black angry geek on was touched upon much better and funnier in “Chasing Amy.” Best part of that film, besides Jay and Silent Bob. I just was thinking about this subject and had to get it out of my system.  While playing a video game. I thought, “Why aren’t there any black or latino men or women portrayed as the hero of games. The main playable character? He or she is usually always Caucasian. If there is a black character, he is the sidekick or comic relief or cannon fodder. Is this blatant, purposeful racism? Nah, most times no. The majority of people who make movies, games, comics, books, and the like are white men. You create what you know and are familiar with and relate to so they write, create, draw, and digitize white dudes that have traits they most think they would have were they the character in the game. Stuff they think is cool. Women aren’t protrayed much better in science-fiction either. Either butched up man-haters or femmed up fighting in high heels and tight spandex. Either way they always have big tits and tight asses. Women and minorities are getting the shaft here! What gives, man?! Seriously, the real problem is there aren’t enough minorities within these jobs that would portray minorities as the great hero and maybe…one day…….a black person will make it to the end of a horror movie and be the survivor!

"Just give me all the darkies and I'll let the dumb white girl go."

Lawd knows I’m tired of it being the pretty white girl all the motherfucking time!!!

Unless my black ass gets to bang her first.

The Geek Commandments


1. Han shot first. There is no debate. Only assholes and douchebags think otherwise. Any other way it changes the very essence of who Han Solo is and lessens the impact of his character growth through the original trilogy. I don’t give a flying kung-fu fuck what George Lucas says to pull his ass out of yet another mistake he made in shitting all over his work. He’s wrong.

2. Thou shall see at least 3 midnight-showings a year. Any less and you’re just the tag along girlfriend/sibling/clueless friend/unfortunate parent/etc. You must also include a rousing group of ne’er do wells for the utmost level of geek tomfoolery and shenanigans. Costumes are encouraged. If you can actually get women to still come along after all that, you will be considered the ‘geek pimp’ of the group. Also, going to the midnight shows cuts way down on the ‘screaming baby’ and ‘douchebag jabrony’ chances by a factor of 10.

Wouldn't you rather be in a theater with these peeps than a bunch of screaming babies?

3. Thou shall suppress thine fanboyism. No one likes an over-obsessive fanboy who cries in his C-3PO cereal about the direction that the new Superman reboot is taking or that Spider-Man’s costume in the new-new reboot isn’t how it’s supposed to be or that Thor doesn’t have the silly little wings on his helmet in the movie like he does in the comics or that Chris Evans will suck as Captain America. You will give yourself an aneurysm so stop it. Nothing will live up to your expectations. Things will be changed or tweaked. As long as they don’t dick with things that completely change the whole nature of the thing (see commandment #1) then just enjoy it if it’s good or hate it on the basis that it sucks donkey nuts. Hate ‘Daredevil’ the movie because Ben Affleck sucks not because the Kingpin was black and not white like in the comics.

They can't be bargained with, they can't be reasoned with, they've never felt a real woman's boobies, and they absolutely will not stop, until your experience is ruined!


4. Thou shall restrict the geek talk to like-minded individuals. Nothing is worse than carrying on a geekversation with yourself…out loud. Just because someone asks you, “How strong is Superman?” doesn’t mean that is an invitation to assail them with an extended dissertation about his powers and where they are derived from. Be simple. Explain simple. “He’s really strong and shit.” is acceptable. Anything more and a regular person’s eyes will glaze and they will drift away back to normalworld.  How can you tell who is a like minded-individual? The dude wearing the ‘Han Shot First’ tee shirt is a safe bet. The fat guy behind the counter at any comic shop is another.

They really do exist. Trust me.

5. Thou shalt not belittle someone for liking shit you don’t. This is a rule I stick by religiously. There is stuff out there that even I, Uber-Geek of the Order of the Nerd, think is entirely too fucking nerdy. Things like ‘Magic the Gathering’ or ‘World of Warcraft’ or having a mock funeral for a fictional Star Wars character. People I know have done that last one. Really. No shit. However, I will not ridicule the person for liking to do these things. They are just not for me. Twilight is gay and retarded. The people who like it are not. They just are misguided. Kidding! Seriously, though…it sucks. Justin Bieber is a complete tool, but 13 year old girls fawn for that shit like grown geek men do for Battlestar Galactica. Does that make them bad and to be hated? No, it just makes them tasteless. 13 year old girls have no taste. That’s just the way that is, but they like what they like. I don’t hate on them for it. I blame that Bieber thing.

So...yeah.

6. Thou shall not ignore comics and books. Found a bad ass tv show that you like or a seriously rocking movie has become your new fave? Odds are it existed in book form first. ‘The Walking Dead’ tv show is fierce and all kinds of awesome. The comic series is ten times as good and more in depth. There are magically awesome things out there in print that will blow your mind. Didn’t like the ‘Watchmen’ movie? Read the graphic novel instead. Better. ‘Wanted’ the movie ate chunks? Read the graphic novel instead. Better. From ‘Preacher’, ‘Y: The Last Man, ‘World War Z’, to ‘100 Bullets’, and on and on. Go to your local book store or comic shop and just grab a few issues or ask the fat guy behind the counter. Odds are he’s been jonesing since lunch to vomit his opinion all over you about how awesome something is. Don’t show fear. They smell fear…..

You know you wanna read. It's good for you! There are pictures.

7. Thou shall not be ‘that geek’. What do I mean? I mean don’t be that person who looks down their nose at someone because they don’t know that there are seven forms of lightsaber combat (yes, there are seven. Sad that I know this) or they don’t know that Superman doesn’t need to eat food. He only does it because it makes him feel like people. Awwww! Generally, just try not to be a douchebag and ridicule someone when they say they’ve never seen ‘Star Wars’. Responding with, “Holy shit, you’ve NEVER SEEN STAR WARS?! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS?!!!” increases your chances of being bludgeoned by 50%.

WHAT?! BLASPHEMY!!!!!

8. Thou shall let thy regular friends be. We all have them, right nerds? You know, the ones who don’t understand why you had to see ‘The Dark Knight’ 4 times in 5 days or say “Chewbacca? Isn’t he in that Star Trek?” They probably would enjoy a good geek sci-fi flick or property, but they wouldn’t grasp the depth of the whole thing and appreciate it like you do. You can’t possibly explain to them why Farscape was one of the best shows on tv or that they need to be watching Fringe or even why the book is better than the movie. They’re too busy watching those Jersey Shore d-bags to really care. So stop trying to convince them to come to the geek-side and just accept their limitations for what they are.

A handy guide for people who have lives...

9. Thou shall find a geek haven and make it yours. Odds are you aren’t exactly swimming in the popularity pool if you have chosen the path of the geek. It is not always an easy road to travel, especially when you are younger. Adult geeks aren’t ridiculed as much, but you always have to watch out for the standard Cobra Kai wanna be from time to time. So all geeks need a ‘Hall of Justice’ or a ‘Watchtower’ where they can proudly let their geek flag fly. It could be a comic shop, maybe a movie theater, or even a bookstore. Wherever you choose, make it somewhere that other geeks frequent and that makes you feel comfortable and able to ‘nerd out’ all you want. Me personally I love Alamo Drafthouse movie theaters. The one I love has a comic shop attached to it!!!! All it needs now is a strip club and I’m set.

Yes, just like this.

10. Thou shall band together. Watch out for your fellow geek. Stand up for them. Be the voice. Speak up. We have power. We can crush with knowledge. We can cut with words. We are legion for we are many. Make people understand that being a geek will…

A. Get you made

b. Get you paid

c. Get you laid.

You think Christopher Nolan was the cool kid in school? You think Bill Gates got to bang the cheerleader? Probably not. Before Mark Zuckerberg created Facebook, how much trim do you think he got? After? Well, I damn well bet it’s more than he did before. You have to work at it, but you can parlay your geekiness into some awesome shit that will get you swimming in money, geek street-cred, bitches(manly geeks for you ladies), and..did I mention money?

He's laughing at you. Not pictured...his bitches. Also not pictured....his 7 billion dollars. Now go back to Farmville.


Comic-Con will get you laid. Having an insane amount of money also works.


LEGION!

Now, before you say anything about my use of language or have an issue with my non-PCness. Fuck off. I don’t care. This is my blog. I’m a geek. Proud of it. I am the one that many of my fellow geek friends look to for guidance. Cause, you know, I’m awesome. 🙂