“No Spoilers!”


 

“No spoilers!!” Yeah, we all know that one person or group of people that moan about spoilers for shows and movies they haven’t watched. They usually see your Facebook or Twitter post about something they haven’t seen and they just can’t resist clicking on it like a heroin addict chasing the dragon. Then they loudly type, “NO SPOILERS!!! I HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET!!!!”.

There are legit times in which to proclaim your fear of spoilers, but this blog isn’t about that. This blog is about the people who call NO SPOILERS about shit they have no right to still be claiming no spoilers on. I always have to resist my desired reaction when I hear no spoilers.

Person: “No Spoilers!!!”

Me: (Punches person) “There. Were you surprised? Hell of a twist, right?!”

Batman doesn't spoil.

Batman doesn’t spoil.

 

So, this is when you can’t claim NO SPOILERS:

1. When the show or movie is years old. Just because YOU haven’t seen the cartoon, movie, or tv show in question and EVERYONE else has, doesn’t mean you can jump into the conversation and cry about being spoiled. Fucking catch-up, you lazy bastard! You’ve had YEARS. Either move into that cave you’ve been eying or join us in the 21st century and fucking Netflix, Amazon, Hulu, or Youtube that shit. Borrow your friend’s collection. Whatever.

Person: “Holy shit, did you know that Vader is Luke’s father?!!!!”

Me: “Where the fuck you been, dude?!!!”

WHAAAAAAA? I had no idea!!!!!

WHAAAAAAA? I had no idea!!!!!

 

2. When you have no intention of watching whatever it is that is being talked about. I listened to my friends go on about Doctor Who and other shit that I was actively not watching and was in no danger of watching. Not once did a desire rise in me to chastise them for discussing it in my presence on the small percent chance that I would decide to start watching and remember that one specific conversation and be crestfallen as my experience would be completely ruined!!! “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  The whole show is now ruined for me because I know about that one thing that happened that one time!!!!! RAAAAAAAGE!!!!!”

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE TITANIC SINKS?!!!!!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE TITANIC SINKS?!!!!! Thanks for ruining the movie for me, guy!!!!

 

3. When you are not part of the conversation. Whether it be on the internet or in person, it is not ok for you to shoehorn your C ass into an A and B conversation. It’s like people get the shakes when they hear other people’s conversations about geek shit and can’t……keep……out…of…..it. Just keep away and find something constructive to do. When you are surfing the internet, don’t click the link when it says things like, “Holy shit Breaking Bad!!!!”, “Can you believe Dexter?!!!! Deb is craaaaazy!!!!”, or anything else of that nature. You will be spoiled in that thread and when that happens, it is only you that is to blame. That’s like you running into a burning building and then bitching about when you catch on fire.

FUUUUUUUUCK!!!! FIRE BURNS!!!!! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?!

FUUUUUUUUCK!!!! FIRE BURNS!!!!! WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME?!

 

4. You have actively chosen to spoil yourself. This should be self explanatory and sheer common sense, but we’re geeks and we just can’t resist. You might think this is just like #3, but it isn’t. #3 was all about jumping into someone else’s convo while this is all about you and your personal willpower and responsibility. No one is twisting your arm or talking near you about it. You just can’t stop yourself. I have a dear close friend of mine who devoured every tidbit of information about Star Trek Into Darkness. The plot, the character arcs, the whole fucking thing. Guess what happened? Yes, he hated the movie and at least once a day tells me how much he hated it. I just laugh and tell him, “B..O..O H..O..O.” I, on the other hand, was pleasantly oblivious about the movie and loved every damned second of it. What’s the lesson? DON’T FUCKING SPOIL YOURSELF! DUH. You do it and you develop specific expectations for the movie that always end up letting you down. Your dreams are dashed upon the Rocks of Nerd Doom. Wait for the show or movie and be surprised, for good or bad. Things are really more fun that way. You have no right to vacuum up everything about a show/movie you haven’t seen yet and then bitch about all that stuff. Just wait until you’ve seen the finished product before you don your Firefly t-shirt and begin your fanboy protests.

Gather the gang, we're storming Stan Lee's house!!!!!!

Gather the gang, we’re storming Stan Lee’s house!!!!!!

 

 

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I Hate Loving You, Batman.


While I procrastinate and make a decision on whether I should buy some adult underoos, I thought it would be nice to give some other suckers fine upstanding friends of mine an opportunity to guest blog here. So without further ado and before the mental imagery of me in underoos sinks in too deep, I give you Mark Castillo’s wonderful take on his love/hate affair with The Dark Knight Rises….

Shhhhh, the bad man didn’t mean to hurt you.

 

 

Do witty status updates make for interesting blogging? I doubt it, but I invite you to be the judge. What follows is a Batman fan’s rant about the The Dark Knight Rises:

 

            The Darkness fell on me during the summer of 1997. I was promised an all star spectacle of a Batman movie, one that would include the Man that broke the Bat. God, what was I thinking? You know that feeling you get when you’re about to make a bad decision? You know when you see that hot chick dancing by herself at the bar making eyes at you? You know the one that screams that something’s not right, but you go over and talk to her because she’s the only one making eye contact with you (geeks, this rarely happens so I had to take every chance to be with the female species! Well back in the day…lol.). Yeah my gut was screaming at me, but curiosity and a misplaced infatuation with Alicia Silverstone over rode my better judgement.

May we always remember the pain, so we never go back.

 

            Geeks, nerds, fellow weirdos, you know what followed. It was one of the worst movies of that year, if not that decade. Clooney was terrible, Ahhh-nuld was super hammy and way overpaid, Uma was her normal un-sexy self playing a character that is supposed to ooze sexuality (chemically induced or not), and that guy that was supposed to be Bane, why would any writer take such a perfect character and reduce him….to that? Batm….no I shan’t even refer to it by name, because it hurts so much. That shitty movie killed my favorite comic movie franchise for eight long, dark years. Making me feel like I had awoken the morning after meeting a crazy hot chick, only to discover I was in a tub of ice and one kidney was missing.

This is less traumatic than that Joel Cuntpuncher movie.

 

            Then there was hope, in ’05 Batman was reborn into the world and given a spin that only a great visionary could give him. I was happy, but depressed, because there was no way the Nolans could top that movie. Boy was I wrong, but I digress, this geek’s rant could go on for pages singing the praises of Batman Begins and the Dark Knight. That’s not why I’m sitting here clicking keys on the work laptop pretending to be working on emails. I have a problem, and it bugs me because it has caused a rift in my geek nature. TDKR is that hot crazy chick all over again, because I love and hate The Dark Knight Rises.

 

            The comic geek in me hates this movie. How in the blue hell do you go from being a recluse and sitting around the mansion sulking for eight years, and just jump back into being the most bad ass super hero on the planet? I mean there was no conditioning or training montage, so what the heck? One little high tech knee brace and you’re back in the game? “I think not!” says my inner geek. Yes, “He’s the God Damn Batman”, but the hook to Nolan’s Batman was that he was supposed to be more realistic, more grounded. That’s why he showed us all the details of becoming Batman in Begins. So that is and isn’t a valid argument here.  Bruce Wayne just jumps back into being the Batman the way you or I would just go out for a walk in summer air. That just seems unrealistic.

TRAINING MONTAGE?! I’M THE GOD DAMNED…oh, you get it.

 

            Fine, so at its core it is supposed to be a comic book movie. You’re supposed to be able to allow some fantastic elements. So let’s fast forward past some of the movie, and get to the pit. Bruce is beaten and broken, and Bane just decides to take a couple of days to put him in the same hell hole he came from. Sigh….fine. So of course there just happens to be a bad ass chiropractor in jail with him, and patches up Mr. Wayne. *Grumble*. Sure, push ups and anger really gets one back in shape in what is supposed to be the passage of several months. I disliked the Dark Knight Rises for most of the same reasons that my best friend hated the movie. Conveniently leaving the cops alive, “Robin” John Blake just figuring out who Batman is, the list could go on and on. However, all of this in my mind was easily forgivable because of something my wife said.

 

            The casting of Marion Collard screamed Talia, I knew that she would betray Batman, but my wife was caught off guard. “That was an awesome twist! Did you have any idea that she was the daughter, the child that escaped the prison!?”, she said as we left. “Well yeah, from the second she was cast…”, I muttered nonchalantly. “Wow, too bad you couldn’t have seen that through my eyes.”, she said and then I thought, “Yes, that is too bad..”

Re-enactment of actual events.

 

            So then instead of letting my inner geek rant, I stopped and thought about what I loved. Bane was finally done justice and made into the master tactician and awesome villain that he is supposed to be. Sure his accent wasn’t quite right, but hey, when he squared off against Batman in the sewers, it was great. It was the brutal, heart stopping fight I had read over and over again. Taunting and toying with the man that had once thought himself the master of martial arts with no equal. He didn’t just beat Batman, he literally broke him. Nolan brought this to life beautifully on screen, so much so that I almost crushed my wife’s hand at the climax of the fight.  When Batman is at his best, he entertains, and enthralls. I felt the boyhood satisfaction of seeing the Batman effortlessly take down thug after thug all with what I assume is the normal Bat-scowl that I’ve come to emulate when trying to intimidate my children at bedtime. Gordon dealing with the weight of the secret he knows, Alfred trying to stop Bruce from getting himself killed, and of course Mr. Freeman playing Lucius Fox just the way I’ve come to know and love.  These were all the things that I liked and loved. What made the movie more than just good, but great.

Come at me, bro.

 

            The final conflict seemed busy, but then again, realistically I’m sure that an urban war would be much the same way, and when all was said and done I was entertained and enthralled for the last act of the movie, unrealistic parts and plot holes included. However, it is in that last act that I felt the most betrayed, because it was here that Nolan ended his saga, and with one mighty fusion driven blast the Batman became the everlasting symbol of truth and justice that Gotham needed and deserved.  With one final act of heroism the Batman saves the day, at least until the cafe scene, anyway. There we see what we can argue is either Alfred seeing what he wants to believe or what he is actually seeing. Either way, it is something that a Batman fan would consider a slap in the face. Bruce is sitting there with Selena supposedly having escaped the blast by completing the missing autopilot programming and somehow escaping the blast radius. Yes, it makes for movie happy ending material, but when you’ve read the comics like I have, you just can’t accept a version of Batman that is okay with not being Batman any more. I mean, in the comics the guy practically if not actually refers to himself as Batman in his inner monologues. So really, Christopher Nolan, really? That’s how you bring your awesome saga to an end!? It’s, it’s…realistic. Despite the glaring plot hole of how he could have escaped it works. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t give me indigestion, but it works. No matter how much I would want to be the Batman until I’m dead. Realistically I know that not even the most capable man is able to support being the Batman for more than a few years, a decade at most. So even though I hate the ending, it makes sense.

My Bat-401k portfolio is looking good.

 

            So there you have it folks, I love and hate this movie. What more can I say? Was it the best of three movies? No, but that’s my opinion, and definitely not what my first blog entry is supposed to be about.  My night with TDKR left me feeling whole and strangely satisfied the next day, and sure maybe my wallet was gone, but hey, the ride was worth it.

 

Ladies and gents, Mr. Castillo was the first guy I ever met that knew as much as I claimed to know about comics and nerd properties. We spent many an insufferable workday at Hell, I mean QVC, ranting about Star Wars, comics, chicks, and why our boss at the time had the grip strength of Robocop. So when I say he knows his shit, I mean it. Hope you enjoyed this! Up next, my new friend Kimberly Hall shares with us her take on what geek love is and how it differs from the regular person variety. As always, please visit us at The Geekvengers or Geekvengers.com and share with your brethren if you are so inclined!

Prequels: The Case of the Nerd Boner Killer


Hey there, fearless readers, it is I, Marselles, bringing you another epic glimpse into the geeknagerie inside my head. Any of you that have heard or witnessed me geek rant for any length of time know that prequels and I get along about as well as Stephanie Meyer and actual good writing. This blog was spurred on by my recent viewing of Prometheus last month. The people behind that movie swore up and down that it was, “Not an Alien prequel”. I thought, “Oh, ok, cool. That might be interesting!” Five minutes into the movie I was thinking, “Fuck you, Ridley, this is an Alien prequel!!!” It wasn’t the movie’s fault. Prequels just suck. It is unavoidable. Name one prequel movie that doesn’t suck. Go on. I’ll wait.

If you came up with “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” I applaud your super nerdery to even know that it is technically a prequel! Besides that, you can’t come up with much. Why? Cause they kill nerd boners. Here are five reasons why:

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Space Doctor: “Dude, our shit looks waay better that those gay ass colonial marines! Why is that again, android?”
Dave, the android: “You see, doctor, it has to do with the principle of…Shit, we just thought no one would fucking notice.”

1. The Technology Gap– You know how when you watched the Star Wars prequels and noticed that everything wasn’t just new and shiny, but the technology looked far fucking superior to the knobs and switches that permeated the original trilogy? You thought, “Nerd Sense tingling! Waitaminnit! This is incorrect!” That’s the first thing that turns me colder than Eskimo pussy right there. Take Prometheus as a current example of that. I don’t know if directors just forget there are decades between their movies and don’t feel the need to “make shit look ancient in the old movies that are really the new movies but are telling the story from before the old movies”, but what I do know is that when my eyes see flat screens, touch consoles, 3D hologram displays, an android that makes Bishop look like a dinosaur and ray guns occurring 87 years before they were still using projectile weapons in the space marines, my nerd taint folds in on itself as if there was a rip in the fabric of space-time.

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“Chewbacca, see me you do not. Tell your sister I was here, you will not.”

2. The “Oh, Isn’t that the Guy (Pearce) from the Other Ones?” Syndrome– Again, I use the Star Wars prequel as the prime example of shoehorning a character from a previous set of movies into the ‘prequels’. “They worked in the first ones, right? Let’s find an excuse to bring them back. Man, we’re gonna sell a lot of fucking toys!!!!! Chewbacca with prequel vine-swinging action is gonna kill!” “Boba Fett is only going to be 10? Fuck yeah! Who isn’t gonna want a toy of a kid that doesn’t do shit through a whole movie?!! Can we package him with Slave Anakin with authentic whining action?”  This applies to Prometheus and the Alien vs Predator films for trying their damnedest to stick us with a Weyland. They are forgettable, throwaway characters that fit every stereotype of insanely rich assholes. Hard for me to care for a character like that. So when they do that I know he or she is only there for one reason. To die. Like a bitch with ‘cock in ass’ as those fine folks in ‘Spartacus’ are so fond of saying.

Image

The Gods like anal. Kinky fucks

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“So, anyway, egg goo got into this dude, then he fucked this chick and she popped out a squid that fucked my boy in the face and he gave birth to a guy who lays eggs……You still listening?”

3. The Need to Keep it Complicated- Can’t follow the story as it is? Well, allow us to make it more complicated and unnecessarily vague and difficult to follow! A bio-weapon made by Space Jockeys to kill humans, gets into a human through the douche-bag sabotage of an android (Oh, no, the android is a dick? Who knew?!), he bangs his chick, puts his now mutated sperm into her barren space vagina, and five minutes later, she has auto surgery to remove the baby squid thing. Never mind that she cuts open her abdomen and staples that shit back together in a machine that amounts to an Apple iSurgery machine and is on her feet running in like 2 minutes! Focus here! This squid thing rapes its way into the mouth of one of the Space Engineer Jockey guys and quicker than you can say “Convoluted!” out pops one of the xenomorphs we know and love! Uh, why not just make the initial egg a damn facehugger, Engineers? Ridley? Come on, man. Simplify it, bro. There’s being complex and deep in your storytelling and then there’s unnecessary flaming plot loops. Facehuggers+chest bursting+running and screaming= intergalactic shenanigans!

“Who’s up for some Space Shenanigans?!”

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“Step right up! Get your Force powers here!!!!”

4. I Demystify Thee! I don’t care about what the Space Jockey’s really were all about. Stop destroying the mysticism of it. Sometimes, what you don’t know needs to be left like it is…a mystery. The Force bound all living things. Why? Fuck, it just does, ok?! It likes it and does it because…fuck you that’s why! So when you take something that used to have some mystery and secrecy to it and boil it down to a scientific anomaly or you make the most mysterious unknown alien beings in possibly the history of science fiction (besides where Yoda comes from and what he is) into pale bodybuilding freaks, you kill all the built up cache of your movies. Part of what made the first two Alien movies and the original Star Wars trilogy endure after all these years were because there was mystery! That even in these galaxies of advanced technology and power, there are still unknown questions and things that you do not understand and may never. Sometimes, you just don’t get to know. Or at least you shouldn’t. Don’t tell me that the night before Batman’s parents died tragically in front of his eyes, Thomas Wayne was railing Mrs. Wayne in her chocolate starfish while she screamed Alfred’s name. It may have happened, but don’t tell me cause it saps the magic!

Not seen here was the wreck Mrs. Wayne’s butthole was. Thomas really attacked it hard.

5. You Know How The Ride Ends– The very nature of a prequel is the story before the story you know and love. You know that Ripley whups that xenomorph ass and rides off into the sunset! (Let’s pretend in our perfect nerd universe that this actually happened and not what we got in Alien 3 and Alien: Res-Erection Killer). So by that logic, you can deduce that whatever happened to the good Dr. Elizabeth Shaw from Prometheus isn’t good. She most likely died a terribly stupid death on a planet deep in space and no one ever heard from her or her theories again. If anyone on Earth actually found out what the deal was, the events of the subsequent movies never would have happened! There isn’t any suspense with the story. No one who was on-board the Prometheus were ever mentioned again in the history of ever. You would think a science mission, sent by the wealthiest corporation, to find the god damned meaning of life, the universe, and everything going missing and never being heard from again would, you know, have someone asking questions somewhere!!! That’s the inherent problem with these stories and trying to connect them to the original stories. The sheer amount of time between them allows for too many plot holes and gaps that just can’t be explained. You go, “Oh, look, there is a character I know! They must live cause they’re in the sequels!! Originals?!! Whatever, they don’t die.” then you say, “So all the rest of these fucks I don’t know must eat it before the end of this sumbitch!” You know who lives, who dies, where, and when. The only question maybe is how. Turns out it’s always with cock in ass.

I hope you enjoyed reading about my reasons for why prequels make my nerd wood flaccid. Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this is any way, shape, or form, please feel free to subscribe or follow me and my merry band of GeekVengers on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, and coming soon, our very own website! Cause we’re nerds, geeks, and un-repentant media whores who need your love to make us whole.