So What’s in a Title Sequence, Anyway?


Hey there people. If you’ve found this blog you either meant to come here because you are a Geekvenger or you stumbled upon this accidentally. Like in those horror movies where they find Ted’s head in the toilet? Someone screams and yells, “MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?! LET’S GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE?!”

No one ever does that though. They all stay and die terribly, except the pretty white girl. You’ll stay and read. I promise not to kill you. The judge was very specific on that. I do promise to entertain you and educate you on some more nerdtastic things. Today’s subject?

Intros. Yes, intros. You know, the beginning part of your favorite television show before the credits and all the awesome happens? Perhaps you are one of those poor saps who likes reality television or some other shitty program that doesn’t have an awesome introduction monologue or song. I weep for you. I weep for humanity. My salty tears are crying tears of their own. There is going to be video! Pictures! Awesome! I know my audience. Who wants to read a lot of stupid words?

Why do I feel that intros are important? Well, for one, a good introduction can tell you the backstory of the show’s main protagonist. Gives you a little history and adds some meat to the show. It helps new viewers figure out what the deal is!

Like, for example…..

See, now you know that their Pretender ran away! He must have hated pizza day in the cafeteria. Shame that he couldn’t pretend to have a good haircut. Also a shame that this assnugget makes you watch this video on Youtube. Anyway, we continue!

Intros can tell the tragic tale of how the character you are supposed to care about came to be in the predicament or shape that they are currently in. Like my man Steve Austin! No, not that Steve Austin, this Steve Austin….

Yeah, you’re doing the NANANANANANANANANANANA now, aren’t you? Don’t lie. For my generation of geeks and nerds, Six Million Dollar Man was the fucking business. If you disagree, you’re wrong, so shut-up.

Sometimes, a show intro just basically tells you exactly what you are going to get in every episode of the show. It keeps things simple. This is usually reserved for one trick shows that don’t involve a lot of depth, character development, or class. Some of my favorite television! Liiiiiiiiiike…..

Did anyone else get a boner? No? Well, this is awkward. Inappropriate boners aside, I know you started singing along to the theme song. You couldn’t help it. It’s in your DNA.

Or…..

Ok, do you have a boner now? No? Come on! You guys are making me feel weird here. How can this hook not get you?

Both of these shows weren’t deep. They jumped a shit ton of cars and crashed even more. Bo, Luke, and Michael bedded women, drank, fought, and had an unhealthy and questionable relationship with their cars.

Many times intros are used to trick you. Make you think you are watching something serious and amazing and in reality you’re getting something cheesy and fluffy.

HOW DARE YOU CALL HERCULES CHEESY AND FLUFFY?!!!! MAY ZEUS SMITE YOUR PANTS!!!!!

By the awesome voice-over, you’d think this show was serious. There wasn’t a serious bone in this show’s body and we liked it! I watched every episode and think Kevin Sorbo is dreamy cool.  Hercules led toooooo….yes, you know where I’m going……

Now I know you have a boner!!! Ladies, you too. Cause Xena is so bad ass she can give women boners. I am slightly disturbed at the large amount of Xena and Gabrielle lesbian love scene tributes I had to dig through to find a good intro video, but these are the sacrifices I make to bring you folks hilarity and shenanigans. It was hard, but I survived.

Science fiction has always lent itself to really fucking awesome introduction sequences. Nerds like bad ass themes and music to go with their lasers, space fights, alien tentacles, and Prime Directive rule breaking!

FUCK THE PRIME DIRECTIVE!!!! THAT SHIT IS FOR PUSSIES! BRING ON THEM GREEN BITCHES!!!! – Capt. Kirk

Also…

Claudia Christian, call me!

Finally, we get down to the really good shit. The intros that give you goosebumps and make your knees weak. These are my favorites. They usually occur after the opening scene of the episode, right after you’ve said, “WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK?!” and taken another bong hit bite of your sandwich. Yes, we’re going there. Two of the best ever at this are…….

The baddest ass show in the history of television. You can disagree, but you are wrong, and you can eat a bag of dicks we can agree to disagree. This show is so deep, thought provoking, funny, heartfelt, and on the cutting edge of awesome! So awesome in fact that they actually change the intro sometimes based on the episode you are about to watch! Such as….

My eyes are crying happiness. One of the coolest ever! A retro, 1980’s style opening?!!! FUCK YEAH!!! NOSTALGIA, BITCH!!!!

and my personal favorite…..

If you aren’t immediately googling Fringe right now and trying to find where you can watch episodes online or buy the DVDs then you are dead inside and I can no longer help you.

Now, even though Fringe is my favorite, I would be remiss if I did not put everyone else’s favorite intro in this blog.

Believe……the truth is out there….

The best quality one I could find that wasn’t based on Mulder and Scully fan fiction/porn. Maybe it was the fact that I was incredibly high while I watched this show, but I remember it fondly as one of my 3 favorites ever and I have to say that the opening prologue and title sequence really got me pumped and into what I was watching. Both Fringe and the X-Files are complete immaculate perfection that I leave you with something wonderful…a mashup!

You’re welcome.

What are some of your favorite title sequences and intros? Let us know at The Geekvengers! Don’t be shy, we don’t bite.

We nerd, we geek, we give you what you seek.

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Prequels: The Case of the Nerd Boner Killer


Hey there, fearless readers, it is I, Marselles, bringing you another epic glimpse into the geeknagerie inside my head. Any of you that have heard or witnessed me geek rant for any length of time know that prequels and I get along about as well as Stephanie Meyer and actual good writing. This blog was spurred on by my recent viewing of Prometheus last month. The people behind that movie swore up and down that it was, “Not an Alien prequel”. I thought, “Oh, ok, cool. That might be interesting!” Five minutes into the movie I was thinking, “Fuck you, Ridley, this is an Alien prequel!!!” It wasn’t the movie’s fault. Prequels just suck. It is unavoidable. Name one prequel movie that doesn’t suck. Go on. I’ll wait.

If you came up with “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” I applaud your super nerdery to even know that it is technically a prequel! Besides that, you can’t come up with much. Why? Cause they kill nerd boners. Here are five reasons why:

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Space Doctor: “Dude, our shit looks waay better that those gay ass colonial marines! Why is that again, android?”
Dave, the android: “You see, doctor, it has to do with the principle of…Shit, we just thought no one would fucking notice.”

1. The Technology Gap– You know how when you watched the Star Wars prequels and noticed that everything wasn’t just new and shiny, but the technology looked far fucking superior to the knobs and switches that permeated the original trilogy? You thought, “Nerd Sense tingling! Waitaminnit! This is incorrect!” That’s the first thing that turns me colder than Eskimo pussy right there. Take Prometheus as a current example of that. I don’t know if directors just forget there are decades between their movies and don’t feel the need to “make shit look ancient in the old movies that are really the new movies but are telling the story from before the old movies”, but what I do know is that when my eyes see flat screens, touch consoles, 3D hologram displays, an android that makes Bishop look like a dinosaur and ray guns occurring 87 years before they were still using projectile weapons in the space marines, my nerd taint folds in on itself as if there was a rip in the fabric of space-time.

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“Chewbacca, see me you do not. Tell your sister I was here, you will not.”

2. The “Oh, Isn’t that the Guy (Pearce) from the Other Ones?” Syndrome– Again, I use the Star Wars prequel as the prime example of shoehorning a character from a previous set of movies into the ‘prequels’. “They worked in the first ones, right? Let’s find an excuse to bring them back. Man, we’re gonna sell a lot of fucking toys!!!!! Chewbacca with prequel vine-swinging action is gonna kill!” “Boba Fett is only going to be 10? Fuck yeah! Who isn’t gonna want a toy of a kid that doesn’t do shit through a whole movie?!! Can we package him with Slave Anakin with authentic whining action?”  This applies to Prometheus and the Alien vs Predator films for trying their damnedest to stick us with a Weyland. They are forgettable, throwaway characters that fit every stereotype of insanely rich assholes. Hard for me to care for a character like that. So when they do that I know he or she is only there for one reason. To die. Like a bitch with ‘cock in ass’ as those fine folks in ‘Spartacus’ are so fond of saying.

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The Gods like anal. Kinky fucks

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“So, anyway, egg goo got into this dude, then he fucked this chick and she popped out a squid that fucked my boy in the face and he gave birth to a guy who lays eggs……You still listening?”

3. The Need to Keep it Complicated- Can’t follow the story as it is? Well, allow us to make it more complicated and unnecessarily vague and difficult to follow! A bio-weapon made by Space Jockeys to kill humans, gets into a human through the douche-bag sabotage of an android (Oh, no, the android is a dick? Who knew?!), he bangs his chick, puts his now mutated sperm into her barren space vagina, and five minutes later, she has auto surgery to remove the baby squid thing. Never mind that she cuts open her abdomen and staples that shit back together in a machine that amounts to an Apple iSurgery machine and is on her feet running in like 2 minutes! Focus here! This squid thing rapes its way into the mouth of one of the Space Engineer Jockey guys and quicker than you can say “Convoluted!” out pops one of the xenomorphs we know and love! Uh, why not just make the initial egg a damn facehugger, Engineers? Ridley? Come on, man. Simplify it, bro. There’s being complex and deep in your storytelling and then there’s unnecessary flaming plot loops. Facehuggers+chest bursting+running and screaming= intergalactic shenanigans!

“Who’s up for some Space Shenanigans?!”

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“Step right up! Get your Force powers here!!!!”

4. I Demystify Thee! I don’t care about what the Space Jockey’s really were all about. Stop destroying the mysticism of it. Sometimes, what you don’t know needs to be left like it is…a mystery. The Force bound all living things. Why? Fuck, it just does, ok?! It likes it and does it because…fuck you that’s why! So when you take something that used to have some mystery and secrecy to it and boil it down to a scientific anomaly or you make the most mysterious unknown alien beings in possibly the history of science fiction (besides where Yoda comes from and what he is) into pale bodybuilding freaks, you kill all the built up cache of your movies. Part of what made the first two Alien movies and the original Star Wars trilogy endure after all these years were because there was mystery! That even in these galaxies of advanced technology and power, there are still unknown questions and things that you do not understand and may never. Sometimes, you just don’t get to know. Or at least you shouldn’t. Don’t tell me that the night before Batman’s parents died tragically in front of his eyes, Thomas Wayne was railing Mrs. Wayne in her chocolate starfish while she screamed Alfred’s name. It may have happened, but don’t tell me cause it saps the magic!

Not seen here was the wreck Mrs. Wayne’s butthole was. Thomas really attacked it hard.

5. You Know How The Ride Ends– The very nature of a prequel is the story before the story you know and love. You know that Ripley whups that xenomorph ass and rides off into the sunset! (Let’s pretend in our perfect nerd universe that this actually happened and not what we got in Alien 3 and Alien: Res-Erection Killer). So by that logic, you can deduce that whatever happened to the good Dr. Elizabeth Shaw from Prometheus isn’t good. She most likely died a terribly stupid death on a planet deep in space and no one ever heard from her or her theories again. If anyone on Earth actually found out what the deal was, the events of the subsequent movies never would have happened! There isn’t any suspense with the story. No one who was on-board the Prometheus were ever mentioned again in the history of ever. You would think a science mission, sent by the wealthiest corporation, to find the god damned meaning of life, the universe, and everything going missing and never being heard from again would, you know, have someone asking questions somewhere!!! That’s the inherent problem with these stories and trying to connect them to the original stories. The sheer amount of time between them allows for too many plot holes and gaps that just can’t be explained. You go, “Oh, look, there is a character I know! They must live cause they’re in the sequels!! Originals?!! Whatever, they don’t die.” then you say, “So all the rest of these fucks I don’t know must eat it before the end of this sumbitch!” You know who lives, who dies, where, and when. The only question maybe is how. Turns out it’s always with cock in ass.

I hope you enjoyed reading about my reasons for why prequels make my nerd wood flaccid. Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this is any way, shape, or form, please feel free to subscribe or follow me and my merry band of GeekVengers on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, and coming soon, our very own website! Cause we’re nerds, geeks, and un-repentant media whores who need your love to make us whole.