Have you ever tried online dating? It’s really hit or miss. Those eHarmony, Match.com, and other commercials are just blowing smoke up your sad, lonely ass. Why? Because people are terrible. We all think we’re the hero who is just waiting for our fated love and all we need to do is put up a kick-ass profile and wait. In reality, we are all the villain driving interested people away and then crying about why we never find anyone good while we cry into our peach vanilla ice-cream as we plot the downfall of mankind. What? I like peach-vanilla ice cream. Don’t judge me.
Now, I have tried a few different websites and have had decidedly sub par luck in finding a nice woman. Online dating will make you hate people if you let it. I did have the best luck with eHarmony. They did do a good job of matching people for the most part, but no one has yet to master that intangible element of relationships that is the most important- being in each other’s company. You can look like motherfucking Olivia Munn, be intelligent and funny like Tina Fey, know every nerd fact like Felicia Day, but if you come off as crazy like Amanda Bynes on coke when I meet you then we can’t be doing thangs.
I liked eHarmony, but that shit is expensive. I felt like I was paying someone to smile at me while they were punching me in my groin. Every rejection was a gouge in my soul!!!! Not really, but it will make you question yourself and to drink heavily. So I canceled my account there because I’m 1.) POOR AS SHIT and 2.) POOR AS FUCK. I didn’t want to quit trying though because I like boobies and I can at least learn to tolerate the ladies they are attached to. So I aimed a little (okay, a lot) lower and went with Plenty of Fish. We all know POF. It’s like the ghetto of dating sites. It is free so you get the clientele that free usually attracts. The quality tends to suffer. That’s not to say that there aren’t amazing people on there and that you won’t meet someone fantastic, but you will have to wade neck deep through some stank wrong people to get at the awesome ones.
I resorted to online dating because I was on the verge of becoming a hermit. It’s like shopping. The effort of field work and ‘boots on the ground’ in the trenches is taken out of the equation. So you sit there, in your underpants eating Frosted Flakes, rifling through boob shots with taglines such as “I’m more that just a pair of boobs!”, “Men are Bullshit!!!!”, and “Are there any honest, good men out there?!!!” The irony, it hurts. Ladies, if you put up pics of your cleavage, you will attract men, however, you will attract ALL THE MEN. Even the ones you don’t want. Breasts are a weapon of mass destruction. They are like thermonuclear bombs. Your target will be hit, but you will also annihilate the surrounding area. There are creepers who will comment about your tits if you put them on display. You will always suffer creepers, but you will suffer less if you maybe ease up on the pics of your breasts exposed almost to the nipples. If you’re trying to land a man worthy to date, you should maybe downplay your melons. You aim low, you’ll hit low. You know what I mean? Make us boys work for them titties!!!! Sorry, I like saying titties. Fun word. Wow, 10 references to breasts (11!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!) in this paragraph. That has to be a personal best for me.
I think I’m not a bad catch. I have manners!!! I behave!!!! I’m a good dude!!!! I keep my weird behavior on the quiet until you’re in love with me, then it’s too late!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Am I perfect? Noooo, but my good outweighs my bad I’d like to think. Unfortunately, women on dating sites are likely bombarded with so many creepy, tracksuit-wearing, tribal tattooed, Dwayne Johnson wannabes that their defenses are up so high that they miss when an actual good man shows them respect, intelligence, and most important…interest. Women and men on these sites are entirely too picky and restrictive in their criteria. That includes me. You have the right to be, but be aware of your restrictive finickiness (is that a word?) before you say “There aren’t any good men/women!!!!” while you delete all those messages unread because the person sending it doesn’t fit your narrow guidelines. You ever see a hot guy/girl with someone who you think is not? How do you think that happened? Lots of charm, conversation, and at least one of them taking a chance. At least read the messages and be polite, because you never know.
And guys, for the love of Cupid, don’t act like an asshole. Messages like “Hey baby.”, “Damn gurl, you lookin’ foooin’!!”, “Can I get at you? Holla atcha boi!”, and the always popular “Look at dem titties!!” aren’t really helping. Well, at least don’t use that shit for your introductory message unless you are on Fuckdate.com. No workout pics or dirty mirror pics either!!! Keep your god-damned shirt on! Show yourself doing something. Be out and about!! Show pics of your pets if you have them. Chicks love that shit. Makes their vaginas hum. Show your kids. They like seeing that you are a loving, responsible dad. Many women are into that. Show some class!!! There will be plenty of time later for you to let yo freak out. Trust me.
My point is this:
Plenty of Fish sucks. I probably should stop using it.