Hey there, fearless readers, it is I, Marselles, bringing you another epic glimpse into the geeknagerie inside my head. Any of you that have heard or witnessed me geek rant for any length of time know that prequels and I get along about as well as Stephanie Meyer and actual good writing. This blog was spurred on by my recent viewing of Prometheus last month. The people behind that movie swore up and down that it was, “Not an Alien prequel”. I thought, “Oh, ok, cool. That might be interesting!” Five minutes into the movie I was thinking, “Fuck you, Ridley, this is an Alien prequel!!!” It wasn’t the movie’s fault. Prequels just suck. It is unavoidable. Name one prequel movie that doesn’t suck. Go on. I’ll wait.
If you came up with “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom” I applaud your super nerdery to even know that it is technically a prequel! Besides that, you can’t come up with much. Why? Cause they kill nerd boners. Here are five reasons why:
1. The Technology Gap– You know how when you watched the Star Wars prequels and noticed that everything wasn’t just new and shiny, but the technology looked far fucking superior to the knobs and switches that permeated the original trilogy? You thought, “Nerd Sense tingling! Waitaminnit! This is incorrect!” That’s the first thing that turns me colder than Eskimo pussy right there. Take Prometheus as a current example of that. I don’t know if directors just forget there are decades between their movies and don’t feel the need to “make shit look ancient in the old movies that are really the new movies but are telling the story from before the old movies”, but what I do know is that when my eyes see flat screens, touch consoles, 3D hologram displays, an android that makes Bishop look like a dinosaur and ray guns occurring 87 years before they were still using projectile weapons in the space marines, my nerd taint folds in on itself as if there was a rip in the fabric of space-time.
2. The “Oh, Isn’t that the Guy (Pearce) from the Other Ones?” Syndrome– Again, I use the Star Wars prequel as the prime example of shoehorning a character from a previous set of movies into the ‘prequels’. “They worked in the first ones, right? Let’s find an excuse to bring them back. Man, we’re gonna sell a lot of fucking toys!!!!! Chewbacca with prequel vine-swinging action is gonna kill!” “Boba Fett is only going to be 10? Fuck yeah! Who isn’t gonna want a toy of a kid that doesn’t do shit through a whole movie?!! Can we package him with Slave Anakin with authentic whining action?” This applies to Prometheus and the Alien vs Predator films for trying their damnedest to stick us with a Weyland. They are forgettable, throwaway characters that fit every stereotype of insanely rich assholes. Hard for me to care for a character like that. So when they do that I know he or she is only there for one reason. To die. Like a bitch with ‘cock in ass’ as those fine folks in ‘Spartacus’ are so fond of saying.
3. The Need to Keep it Complicated- Can’t follow the story as it is? Well, allow us to make it more complicated and unnecessarily vague and difficult to follow! A bio-weapon made by Space Jockeys to kill humans, gets into a human through the douche-bag sabotage of an android (Oh, no, the android is a dick? Who knew?!), he bangs his chick, puts his now mutated sperm into her barren space vagina, and five minutes later, she has auto surgery to remove the baby squid thing. Never mind that she cuts open her abdomen and staples that shit back together in a machine that amounts to an Apple iSurgery machine and is on her feet running in like 2 minutes! Focus here! This squid thing rapes its way into the mouth of one of the Space Engineer Jockey guys and quicker than you can say “Convoluted!” out pops one of the xenomorphs we know and love! Uh, why not just make the initial egg a damn facehugger, Engineers? Ridley? Come on, man. Simplify it, bro. There’s being complex and deep in your storytelling and then there’s unnecessary flaming plot loops. Facehuggers+chest bursting+running and screaming= intergalactic shenanigans!
4. I Demystify Thee! I don’t care about what the Space Jockey’s really were all about. Stop destroying the mysticism of it. Sometimes, what you don’t know needs to be left like it is…a mystery. The Force bound all living things. Why? Fuck, it just does, ok?! It likes it and does it because…fuck you that’s why! So when you take something that used to have some mystery and secrecy to it and boil it down to a scientific anomaly or you make the most mysterious unknown alien beings in possibly the history of science fiction (besides where Yoda comes from and what he is) into pale bodybuilding freaks, you kill all the built up cache of your movies. Part of what made the first two Alien movies and the original Star Wars trilogy endure after all these years were because there was mystery! That even in these galaxies of advanced technology and power, there are still unknown questions and things that you do not understand and may never. Sometimes, you just don’t get to know. Or at least you shouldn’t. Don’t tell me that the night before Batman’s parents died tragically in front of his eyes, Thomas Wayne was railing Mrs. Wayne in her chocolate starfish while she screamed Alfred’s name. It may have happened, but don’t tell me cause it saps the magic!
5. You Know How The Ride Ends– The very nature of a prequel is the story before the story you know and love. You know that Ripley whups that xenomorph ass and rides off into the sunset! (Let’s pretend in our perfect nerd universe that this actually happened and not what we got in Alien 3 and Alien: Res-Erection Killer). So by that logic, you can deduce that whatever happened to the good Dr. Elizabeth Shaw from Prometheus isn’t good. She most likely died a terribly stupid death on a planet deep in space and no one ever heard from her or her theories again. If anyone on Earth actually found out what the deal was, the events of the subsequent movies never would have happened! There isn’t any suspense with the story. No one who was on-board the Prometheus were ever mentioned again in the history of ever. You would think a science mission, sent by the wealthiest corporation, to find the god damned meaning of life, the universe, and everything going missing and never being heard from again would, you know, have someone asking questions somewhere!!! That’s the inherent problem with these stories and trying to connect them to the original stories. The sheer amount of time between them allows for too many plot holes and gaps that just can’t be explained. You go, “Oh, look, there is a character I know! They must live cause they’re in the sequels!! Originals?!! Whatever, they don’t die.” then you say, “So all the rest of these fucks I don’t know must eat it before the end of this sumbitch!” You know who lives, who dies, where, and when. The only question maybe is how. Turns out it’s always with cock in ass.
I hope you enjoyed reading about my reasons for why prequels make my nerd wood flaccid. Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this is any way, shape, or form, please feel free to subscribe or follow me and my merry band of GeekVengers on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, and coming soon, our very own website! Cause we’re nerds, geeks, and un-repentant media whores who need your love to make us whole.