A Random Tuesday in Heaven

God: “I can’t believe this!!! JESUS!!! JESUS?! JESUS H. CHRIST, I’M CALLING YOU!!!”

Jesus: “Dad dammit, I heard you. What is it?”

God: “You ever watch this Charlie Sheen guy? Did I really make him that much of a douchebag? I couldn’t have. WINNING?! Did I accidentally give him tiger’s blood for real? Cause that would make him retarded I’d think.”

God's shameful mistake....


Jesus: “Well, sometimes people turn out that way DAD. He’s done a mountain of cocaine and porn stars. It’s a hell of a drug. Makes you crazy! Don’t you know this? I thought you were OMNIPOTENT…OMNISCIENT! INFALLIBLE.”

God: “You ungrateful little jackass! I’m your father! You show some respect!”

Jesus: “Ooooh, like you showed me?! Hey…uh…Jesus…sorry to tell you this, buuuuut I’m gonna have to have you sacrifice yourself for the Jews. And they’re going to turn their back on you. But they’ll still like me….”

God: “Look, stop doing that! You are mocking me and I don’t like it!”

Jesus: “What you gonna do big guy? Send me to my death?”

God: “Damn, would you just let that go? It’s been like 2000 years already!! I SAID I WAS SORRY!”

God felt really bad.


Jesus: “Yeah, I got nailed to a cross that I was made to carry while the Romans were whipping me. Now I know how the slaves felt..”

God: “Awww, shit, who are you now? Kunta Kinte? You should be proud!”

Jesus: “All that time, since I was a little kid, I had to bear the knowledge that my absentee dad was planning to have me killed for some assholes that don’t even think I exist. I’m sooooo proud.”

God: “Now we’re on that subject are we? Look, I told you, I couldn’t be around. I had to run things up here.”

Jesus: “Right. Like the angels couldn’t run things!”

God: “Those guys? Are you insane? If I left them alone there would be anarchy. They are still pissed that they have no genitals! You saw what Satan tried to do. I had to put him down.”

Jesus: “So THAT’S why they’re always so cranky?! Wow. Whatever! You were never there for me!”

God: “Ugh, you had Mary and Joseph. What do you want?!”

Mary and Joseph....raising God's illegitimate chillins since 0 A.D.!


Jesus: “Joseph? He wasn’t my daddy! He was always asking me to turn water into wine so he could drink it!”

God: “You liar, he was not!”

Jesus: “He hit me.”

God: “No he didn’t!”

Jesus: “Well….he thought about it. I could hear him thinking….That fucking son of God kid…always telling me who his daddy is…God this, God that, he destroyed Sodom & Gomorra, I have to die for people’s sins…blah blah blah..”

God: “Look…okay, maybe he wasn’t the best guy, but your mom was hot. She had such a tight…”

Jesus: “Daaaaaad!!! So you just knocked her up because you could eh? Did you really love her?”

God: “I love everybody.”

Jesus: “Hmmmpp. You sure have a crappy way of showing it.”

God: “Damn, quit busting my holy jewels would you? Don’t you have to prepare for The Second Coming?”

Jesus: “Are you gonna have me be born to a virgin girl with a heart of gold again?”

God: “Why not? It worked the first time!”

Jesus: “You old fart…it’s the 21st century. There are no virgins anymore! Even geeks are getting laid! Well…except for that Selles dude. How about having me be born to a heroin addicted hooker from Detroit or something?”

God: “WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND PROSTITUTES?! You just can’t let that go, can you? Do you know how many Popes I had to bribe so they would cover up that Mary Magdalene fiasco? That DaVinci Code shit nearly fucked it all up.”

Jesus really has a thing for hoes. Really, it's become kind of a problem.

Jesus: “Oh, and you don’t like impregnating virgins?”


Jesus: “Pffft. When I’m in charge…”

God: “Ooooh, watch out, Jesus is gonna run this joint in his Birkenstocks and sissy robe!”

Jesus: “Yeah, that’s right, mock me all you want. You wait! I’ll show you…”

They'd made fun of his sandals for the last time....