“No spoilers!!” Yeah, we all know that one person or group of people that moan about spoilers for shows and movies they haven’t watched. They usually see your Facebook or Twitter post about something they haven’t seen and they just can’t resist clicking on it like a heroin addict chasing the dragon. Then they loudly type, “NO SPOILERS!!! I HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET!!!!”.
There are legit times in which to proclaim your fear of spoilers, but this blog isn’t about that. This blog is about the people who call NO SPOILERS about shit they have no right to still be claiming no spoilers on. I always have to resist my desired reaction when I hear no spoilers.
Person: “No Spoilers!!!”
Me: (Punches person) “There. Were you surprised? Hell of a twist, right?!”
So, this is when you can’t claim NO SPOILERS:
1. When the show or movie is years old. Just because YOU haven’t seen the cartoon, movie, or tv show in question and EVERYONE else has, doesn’t mean you can jump into the conversation and cry about being spoiled. Fucking catch-up, you lazy bastard! You’ve had YEARS. Either move into that cave you’ve been eying or join us in the 21st century and fucking Netflix, Amazon, Hulu, or Youtube that shit. Borrow your friend’s collection. Whatever.
Person: “Holy shit, did you know that Vader is Luke’s father?!!!!”
Me: “Where the fuck you been, dude?!!!”
2. When you have no intention of watching whatever it is that is being talked about. I listened to my friends go on about Doctor Who and other shit that I was actively not watching and was in no danger of watching. Not once did a desire rise in me to chastise them for discussing it in my presence on the small percent chance that I would decide to start watching and remember that one specific conversation and be crestfallen as my experience would be completely ruined!!! “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! The whole show is now ruined for me because I know about that one thing that happened that one time!!!!! RAAAAAAAGE!!!!!”
3. When you are not part of the conversation. Whether it be on the internet or in person, it is not ok for you to shoehorn your C ass into an A and B conversation. It’s like people get the shakes when they hear other people’s conversations about geek shit and can’t……keep……out…of…..it. Just keep away and find something constructive to do. When you are surfing the internet, don’t click the link when it says things like, “Holy shit Breaking Bad!!!!”, “Can you believe Dexter?!!!! Deb is craaaaazy!!!!”, or anything else of that nature. You will be spoiled in that thread and when that happens, it is only you that is to blame. That’s like you running into a burning building and then bitching about when you catch on fire.
4. You have actively chosen to spoil yourself. This should be self explanatory and sheer common sense, but we’re geeks and we just can’t resist. You might think this is just like #3, but it isn’t. #3 was all about jumping into someone else’s convo while this is all about you and your personal willpower and responsibility. No one is twisting your arm or talking near you about it. You just can’t stop yourself. I have a dear close friend of mine who devoured every tidbit of information about Star Trek Into Darkness. The plot, the character arcs, the whole fucking thing. Guess what happened? Yes, he hated the movie and at least once a day tells me how much he hated it. I just laugh and tell him, “B..O..O H..O..O.” I, on the other hand, was pleasantly oblivious about the movie and loved every damned second of it. What’s the lesson? DON’T FUCKING SPOIL YOURSELF! DUH. You do it and you develop specific expectations for the movie that always end up letting you down. Your dreams are dashed upon the Rocks of Nerd Doom. Wait for the show or movie and be surprised, for good or bad. Things are really more fun that way. You have no right to vacuum up everything about a show/movie you haven’t seen yet and then bitch about all that stuff. Just wait until you’ve seen the finished product before you don your Firefly t-shirt and begin your fanboy protests.
While I procrastinate and make a decision on whether I should buy some adult underoos, I thought it would be nice to give some other
suckers fine upstanding friends of mine an opportunity to guest blog here. So without further ado and before the mental imagery of me in underoos sinks in too deep, I give you Mark Castillo’s wonderful take on his love/hate affair with The Dark Knight Rises….
Do witty status updates make for interesting blogging? I doubt it, but I invite you to be the judge. What follows is a Batman fan’s rant about the The Dark Knight Rises:
The Darkness fell on me during the summer of 1997. I was promised an all star spectacle of a Batman movie, one that would include the Man that broke the Bat. God, what was I thinking? You know that feeling you get when you’re about to make a bad decision? You know when you see that hot chick dancing by herself at the bar making eyes at you? You know the one that screams that something’s not right, but you go over and talk to her because she’s the only one making eye contact with you (geeks, this rarely happens so I had to take every chance to be with the female species! Well back in the day…lol.). Yeah my gut was screaming at me, but curiosity and a misplaced infatuation with Alicia Silverstone over rode my better judgement.
Geeks, nerds, fellow weirdos, you know what followed. It was one of the worst movies of that year, if not that decade. Clooney was terrible, Ahhh-nuld was super hammy and way overpaid, Uma was her normal un-sexy self playing a character that is supposed to ooze sexuality (chemically induced or not), and that guy that was supposed to be Bane, why would any writer take such a perfect character and reduce him….to that? Batm….no I shan’t even refer to it by name, because it hurts so much. That shitty movie killed my favorite comic movie franchise for eight long, dark years. Making me feel like I had awoken the morning after meeting a crazy hot chick, only to discover I was in a tub of ice and one kidney was missing.
Then there was hope, in ’05 Batman was reborn into the world and given a spin that only a great visionary could give him. I was happy, but depressed, because there was no way the Nolans could top that movie. Boy was I wrong, but I digress, this geek’s rant could go on for pages singing the praises of Batman Begins and the Dark Knight. That’s not why I’m sitting here clicking keys on the work laptop pretending to be working on emails. I have a problem, and it bugs me because it has caused a rift in my geek nature. TDKR is that hot crazy chick all over again, because I love and hate The Dark Knight Rises.
The comic geek in me hates this movie. How in the blue hell do you go from being a recluse and sitting around the mansion sulking for eight years, and just jump back into being the most bad ass super hero on the planet? I mean there was no conditioning or training montage, so what the heck? One little high tech knee brace and you’re back in the game? “I think not!” says my inner geek. Yes, “He’s the God Damn Batman”, but the hook to Nolan’s Batman was that he was supposed to be more realistic, more grounded. That’s why he showed us all the details of becoming Batman in Begins. So that is and isn’t a valid argument here. Bruce Wayne just jumps back into being the Batman the way you or I would just go out for a walk in summer air. That just seems unrealistic.
Fine, so at its core it is supposed to be a comic book movie. You’re supposed to be able to allow some fantastic elements. So let’s fast forward past some of the movie, and get to the pit. Bruce is beaten and broken, and Bane just decides to take a couple of days to put him in the same hell hole he came from. Sigh….fine. So of course there just happens to be a bad ass chiropractor in jail with him, and patches up Mr. Wayne. *Grumble*. Sure, push ups and anger really gets one back in shape in what is supposed to be the passage of several months. I disliked the Dark Knight Rises for most of the same reasons that my best friend hated the movie. Conveniently leaving the cops alive, “Robin” John Blake just figuring out who Batman is, the list could go on and on. However, all of this in my mind was easily forgivable because of something my wife said.
The casting of Marion Collard screamed Talia, I knew that she would betray Batman, but my wife was caught off guard. “That was an awesome twist! Did you have any idea that she was the daughter, the child that escaped the prison!?”, she said as we left. “Well yeah, from the second she was cast…”, I muttered nonchalantly. “Wow, too bad you couldn’t have seen that through my eyes.”, she said and then I thought, “Yes, that is too bad..”
So then instead of letting my inner geek rant, I stopped and thought about what I loved. Bane was finally done justice and made into the master tactician and awesome villain that he is supposed to be. Sure his accent wasn’t quite right, but hey, when he squared off against Batman in the sewers, it was great. It was the brutal, heart stopping fight I had read over and over again. Taunting and toying with the man that had once thought himself the master of martial arts with no equal. He didn’t just beat Batman, he literally broke him. Nolan brought this to life beautifully on screen, so much so that I almost crushed my wife’s hand at the climax of the fight. When Batman is at his best, he entertains, and enthralls. I felt the boyhood satisfaction of seeing the Batman effortlessly take down thug after thug all with what I assume is the normal Bat-scowl that I’ve come to emulate when trying to intimidate my children at bedtime. Gordon dealing with the weight of the secret he knows, Alfred trying to stop Bruce from getting himself killed, and of course Mr. Freeman playing Lucius Fox just the way I’ve come to know and love. These were all the things that I liked and loved. What made the movie more than just good, but great.
The final conflict seemed busy, but then again, realistically I’m sure that an urban war would be much the same way, and when all was said and done I was entertained and enthralled for the last act of the movie, unrealistic parts and plot holes included. However, it is in that last act that I felt the most betrayed, because it was here that Nolan ended his saga, and with one mighty fusion driven blast the Batman became the everlasting symbol of truth and justice that Gotham needed and deserved. With one final act of heroism the Batman saves the day, at least until the cafe scene, anyway. There we see what we can argue is either Alfred seeing what he wants to believe or what he is actually seeing. Either way, it is something that a Batman fan would consider a slap in the face. Bruce is sitting there with Selena supposedly having escaped the blast by completing the missing autopilot programming and somehow escaping the blast radius. Yes, it makes for movie happy ending material, but when you’ve read the comics like I have, you just can’t accept a version of Batman that is okay with not being Batman any more. I mean, in the comics the guy practically if not actually refers to himself as Batman in his inner monologues. So really, Christopher Nolan, really? That’s how you bring your awesome saga to an end!? It’s, it’s…realistic. Despite the glaring plot hole of how he could have escaped it works. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t give me indigestion, but it works. No matter how much I would want to be the Batman until I’m dead. Realistically I know that not even the most capable man is able to support being the Batman for more than a few years, a decade at most. So even though I hate the ending, it makes sense.
So there you have it folks, I love and hate this movie. What more can I say? Was it the best of three movies? No, but that’s my opinion, and definitely not what my first blog entry is supposed to be about. My night with TDKR left me feeling whole and strangely satisfied the next day, and sure maybe my wallet was gone, but hey, the ride was worth it.
Ladies and gents, Mr. Castillo was the first guy I ever met that knew as much as I claimed to know about comics and nerd properties. We spent many an insufferable workday at Hell, I mean QVC, ranting about Star Wars, comics, chicks, and why our boss at the time had the grip strength of Robocop. So when I say he knows his shit, I mean it. Hope you enjoyed this! Up next, my new friend Kimberly Hall shares with us her take on what geek love is and how it differs from the regular person variety. As always, please visit us at The Geekvengers or Geekvengers.com and share with your brethren if you are so inclined!
We have a hate, love, hate relationship with movie reboots.
Hiya nerds and geeks! Selles here, bringing you another installment of my exquisite brand of geeknanigans. Today’s blog is sponsored by nerd rage!!!!! We as nerds all know about nerd rage, don’t we? Yes, we do. You know what I’m talking about.
No? Lemme tell you. Nerd rage is usually something that manifests itself when ‘Normals’ (i.e., non-nerd douchebags) say or do something that is an affront to all of your hard edged and honed nerd sensibilities, or the establishment fucks with or destroys something you love. This blog was written with the help of my geek menagerie, The Geekvengers. Never will you find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy! I asked them for ideas and things that make them dream of beating people about the head and neck with their Hulk hands.
If the Hulk gets that pissed over running out of toilet paper, douchebags should run for their lives.
No, actually, they’re nice people. Except that one guy with all the action figures. I don’t trust him. Anyway, down to the list……
1. “Comic books are for kids!” -As an avid comic book collector for the past 25 years, I have heard this common refrain quite enough to make me want to bash people over the head with one of my comic boxes. Stuff like, “Why do you read those?”. Listen, some of the most intriguing, compelling, emotional, gripping, and amazing stories ever written or drawn have been between the pages of those so called kid’s books. Every superhero movie you’ve ever seen is based on those kid’s books. Regular people like those movies, heck, they may even love them, so why hate on the source material? That Dark Knight Trilogy that everyone is lining up to suck on its awesome teat? What do you think it is based on? I could name all the graphic novels that those movies pull from, but your head might explode from all the knowledge. Why do I read comic books? Because they are fucking art. It takes great artists and great writers a month to put together one issue that takes you 10 seconds to dismiss? Grow a pair and man up. Read a comic. It’s ok to look at the pictures. Some smart ass motherfuckers read comics. You should too.
2. “It’s silly to dress up!”– Look, I’m not one to do this myself, but I have numerous friends who do and they love it. I can see into their souls, and their souls are dressed up as a stormtrooper or Kaylee or Jayne Cobb (yes, with the hat!). I enjoy seeing that type of devotion to something. I don’t mock a chick for slathering on too much makeup, wearing something that makes people focus on their tits as if they were a red-assed baboon, stripper heels, and enough perfume to choke the ozone. Isn’t that dressing up too? What makes what nerds and geeks do different? Is it because people have deemed what we do as socially unacceptable? Because it makes you uncomfortable? ‘Normal’ folks think we are somehow damaged or broken, which in my experiences is as far from the truth as possible. They are some of the finest people you could ever meet. The joy it brings out in my friends shows on their faces every time they have an opportunity to do it. Why would you shit on that? So it isn’t your thing. So what?
3. “You’ll grow out of it.” Some people do, I won’t lie. That kid who went to see Star Wars on opening day could have grown up to be a normal, regular adult who doesn’t own action figures or whose walls aren’t adorned with signed photos or framed art or posters. Most likely they grew up and got into sports and have a favorite team or three, or they got into music, or they like to build things, or race cars, or whatever other hobby you can think of. So why then do people say such dumb shit like, “When are you going to grow up and get rid of all this kid’s stuff”?! I answer with, “My bad ass Bane statue says to go fuck yourself.” EVERYONE has things that they still like but really probably shouldn’t. It’s an escape from the everyday life. Nerds and geeks have jobs, we pay bills, we raise kids, we have pets, we can do all the normal crap you do, we just to get to come home to our awesome nerd shelves and our rocking DVD collection. We also run your IT department, so keep watching porn at work. Go ahead. I dare you.
4. Posers. Said with dripping disgust and ire. Unfortunate that I have to use an 80’s term, but I feel that it fits. They may also be known as their government name…hipsters. You know the ones of which I speak? The jackass that wears the Punisher t-shirt and has no fucking idea who the Punisher is, why he punishes, or that Frank Castle is a bad motherfucker who has taken on Spider-Man, Daredevil, and whoever else he feels needs a beat down. Ahem…sorry, nerd rant. They wear shit ironically because the design is “Cool, bro” or because they’re trying to make it popular. Sorry to break it to you hipster douchecannons, but all that nerd shit you wear would have gotten you a beating when I was in school. NO ONE WORE NERD ANYTHING for risk of being dunked in a toilet and given an atomic fusion 10 megaton wedgie. Now I can’t go five feet without seeing someone wearing a Tardis t-shirt or Superman’s crest on their chest. Why does it piss me off? Because you didn’t EARN IT. You didn’t grow up loving these properties and suffering through the dark ages like I did!!!!! When all you had was your imagination and free time. When you finally get to see Bane in The Dark Knight Rises on the big screen portrayed as you always had dreamed since Joel Suckmorecher made him a knuckledragging mongol beast and some taintnugget mutters, “Dude, who is this guy?! I can’t understand him!”, I wish I had mental powers so I could melt the guys head out from under his knit cap. It’s fucking SUMMER, guy!!!! Take it off!!! Real nerds and geeks wear what we do because we know what the deuce it’s about. We get it. When you get that knowing nod as you pass another nerd it makes it worth it. No, you can’t be in the club.
5. Hollywood. This isn’t so much a single particular thing as a broad blanket cast over the institution of moviemaking. Hollywood can get it right with movies such as The Dark Knight Trilogy, X-Men: First Class (except for it’s lack of color), and Watchmen. However, most often they get it waaaaaaaaaay wrong. Like X-Men Origins: Wolverine wrong. Michael Bay’s Transformers transforming your childhood into salty tears you cry into your Optimus Prime pillowcase wrong. We all understand that changes have to be made to make these properties attractive to the mainstream audiences, but when you fundamentally change who a character is so the “new, hot star” can play them, you’re doing it wrong. Taylor Kitsch wrong. I’ll use him as an example. He played Gambit in the aforementioned shitty Wolverine movie. He wasn’t portrayed as cajun. Why? I don’t know. Most likely because Taylor in all his smoldering hotness (I’ve heard), cannot do a proper cajun accent. He was shitty. Handsome, but shitty. Another example is Bane from Joel Suckasser’s (sorry, I refuse to utter that turdnuggets name) movie that sort of resembled a Batman movie, but sucked a ton. When one of your favorite characters is ruined by Hollywood’s need to give you their version and not the essence of the character from the comic books (There are those damned kid’s books again!) it sucks away a piece of your soul. You can’t explain your exasperation and your vitriol. Not to the normal people.
6. “No, that’s not how it happened! My brother saw the Spider Man movie and says…..” FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU! Be quiet. You tread into dangerous territory here. Do not correct a nerd or geek. Trust me. We will always know more about it than your brother who saw the Amazing Spider-Man. Unless your brother is a super nerd like me. If not, then just be quiet over there, listen, and you may learn something. Knowledge is power! A true geek knows the difference between artificial web-shooters and organic ones and that Gwen Stacy MUST DIE to make the new movies even close to legit. Bitch has gotta go. The rules. Not up for debate. We have forgotten more shit about nerd happenings and whatnot than you will ever know.
7. “Chewbacca? Oh, I love him! He’s from that Star Trek, right?” – There is no faster way to make me fantasize about kung-fuing the shit out of you like I’m Neo and you’re Morpheus than to add characters from one property into another. I seriously don’t know how you could possibly mix up Star Wars and Star Trek. The only similarities between the two is that they take place in space and have Star in their titles. When you’ve seen one or the other, you don’t mix them up. So when you utter dumb statements like that I know you haven’t seen either and are just trying to stay in a conversation in which you were hopelessly outmatched to begin with. Go back to your Kardashians gossip. Nerds prefer Cardassians, thank you.