Black Jesus Returns


     Brad was traipsing along one day, absentmindedly checking his phone when he scrolled across some distressing news!!!

     “Maaan, they made Ariel black?! That’s bullshit!!!”, he exclaimed loudly to no one in particular. “God damned social justice warrior bullshit! Fucking snowflakes! Jesus Chri…”, and before he could even finish that sentence, the sky opened up and a beam of light shone down from on high and on that beam was the Lord Savior, Jesus Christ of Nazareth, motherfuckers!!!

     Jesus was resplendent in his simple robes and his dope Nike sandals. “You called, bruh?” Brad was shocked. He wasn’t shocked because he was standing in the presence of God, he was shocked because Jesus was as brown as dark stained wood with a curly fro that was the most perfect he’s ever seen. “Wha…who are you?” “I’m Jesus, my dude! Why you trippin’ about a fictional character?” Jesus was curious to hear Brad’s answer. “Wait, Jesus is white! You’re blaspheming!!” Brad retorted. Jesus gets this a lot. “Naw, homey. Why would you expect someone born in the Middle East, in what is modern day Israel, to be Caucasian? How many crackas you know from there?”

     “I don’t believe you. You’re just fucking around! Wentworth? Is that you, dude? Blackface is wrong, guy!” Brad chuckled like someone who didn’t really think blackface is wrong. Jesus saw through his lie. “Fuck you, Brad. I’ve seen your Facebook profile. Those party pictures lead me to believe you love blackface. Blackface IS wrong, by the way.” Brad was offended. “Jesus doesn’t curse!! My profile is set to friends only!!!” Brad has begun to sweat ever so slightly, as if he is being judged, and he isn’t sure he’s getting a good score so far. Jesus noted his discomfort, and got up to his neck in Brad’s ass. “FUCK YOU, BRAD. I’M JESUS, MOTHERFUCKER. I CAN DO WHATEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE!”, Jesus said, his voice echoed, booming with the deepness of James Earl Jones and the swagger of Samuel L. Jackson. He calmed himself and continued. “Now, why you drinking so much Hater-aid? You done given yo self haterbetes!!! 

     Brad chose his words carefully. “Uh, well, cause she’s always been white. It’s integral to the character.” Jesus’ dark eyes rolled until you could see the whites clearly. “Brad, she’s fictional half fish, half human. Her color ain’t got shit to do with anything. Now, if she was say, Black Panther or someone playing Martin Luther King Jr., then sure, color would be integral to the character. This is not one of those situations.” Brad decided to get brave. “Hollywood and other people are just doing diversity for the sake of diversity!!! Women and woke snowflakes are ruining it!”

     Jesus got out his golden pic, which he did when he was really trying to make a point, puffed out his magical afro, then spoke. “So, let me get this straight. The Caucasian man has been overwhelmingly represented in all forms of media, history, and religion forever. You have played people of color such as African and native Americans and portrayed them as racist stereotypes mind you. You have forced your religion on people who were happy as they were. You have written history books in your own image making the white man the hero when, much of the time, they were the villain. You continue trying to hide behind the law to try and force your religious and moral views on women who are quite content and capable of making decisions about their own bodies. You blame your inability to find jobs on brown immigrants who are, without complaint, doing the jobs you refuse to do then in the same breath you call them lazy criminals who are a burden on the system. You are born with a built in opportunity to receive every privilege there is, yet you are pissy and moany about everything! I have a theory: Maaaaaaaaybe you feel threatened that your majority and self granted, in your mind superiority is quickly eroding. By 2050, white people will not only be a physical minority, but a vocal one. If you want to cry ’bout that go ahead. Your fate was sealed over 250 years ago when slave massa couldn’t keep his white cockship Enterprise out of all those black holes. Your people have enslaved and subjugated just about every non-white race on Earth and even some of your own people!!! So….YOU DON’T GET TO BITCH ABOUT A GOD DAMNED FICTIONAL MERMAID’S COLOR….NIGGGGGA.”

     Lightning struck close-by with a rolling rumble of deep, bone rattling thunder as if for emphasis. “Ooops, sorry Dad! I forget every time.”

     Brad listened this supposed Jesus’ rant and doubled down on stupidity. You never ever double down on stupidity. “I’m just saying white men are under attack for no reason. All this #MeToo shit and social justice agenda has me not knowing how to act is all I’m saying.” Jesus had it. “YOU DON’T ACT LIKE AN ENTITLED, MISOGYNISTIC, SEXUALLY ASSAULTING, RACIST DOUCHEBAG!!! You know what?” Jesus cracked his knuckles, “You gon learn today!!! BLACKNESS!!!!”, Jesus intoned, and there was a dark cloud that began to swirl around Brad. His skin began to turn the color of dark chocolate, his naturally wavy blonde hair curled up tightly and became like black wool, and he grew 4 solid inches….in height. “There, now you black!!! Now you will know all about how minorities live their lives in fear.”

     Brad, now black as a windowless room with the lights turned off, continued his run towards the stupidity hall of fame. “Oooooh, can I say nigga, now?” As soon as the word left his mouth a police cruiser pulled up and flashed it’s lights. WOOP WOOP! The officer got out of the car. “Hey, you live around here? Let me see your ID.” Brad had never been stopped walking before. “Of course. Sorry, officer, I was talking to Jesus here….?” Jesus had faded away like a sweet jumper and was nowhere to be found. “Jesus, huh?”, the officer said, obviously unconvinced. “Is Jesus one of your mexican gangbanging homies?” Brad was still approaching the situation as if he was white. “No, officer. Why are you stopping me? I’ve done nothing wrong. Why do you need to see my license?!”

     Now the cop was getting riled. “Look, boy, don’t question me when I ask you to do something!!! Show me your FUCKING LICENSE!!!” Brad relented, still giving attitude. “Fine! Calm down. Here is my license.” Brad hands the cop his license. The cop takes it and looks at it with a puzzled look on his face. “Is this a fucking joke? Whose license is this?!” “Mine!”, Brad chirped, his voice betraying the fact that he just now remembered that Jesus turned him black but his driver’s license still shows a white dude’s photo. Things are not going well. “I mean, uh, Jesus turned me black, but I promise that’s me. officer!” The cop remained highly skeptical. “Are you one of those crazies? Too much of the crack cocaine, boy?!!! Huh?!” The cop reached for his radio to call dispatch to prepare for an ambulance to take Brad to a hospital for psych eval. Brad’s heart was in his throat. Why was this happening? He moved towards the officer to explain…

     “DON’T YOU TAKE ANOTHER STEP, MOTHERFUCKER, OR I’LL FUCKING DROP YOU!!!”, the officer screamed as he pulled his service weapon from its holster and trained it on Brad. “WOAH!! PLEASE DON’T SHOOT, MAN!!! I DON’T WANT TO DIE!!!”, Brad cried as he covered his face and curled up in total crippling fear. Just then there was another lightning crack and thunder roil. Brad looked up at the officer and in his place was Jesus, picking out his ‘fro again, laughing. “Hahahahahaha, you should have seen your face, Brad! You went ashy as fuck, dude!” Jesus pulled a fat joint from the nether, lit it, and took a long drag. Brad stood up and dusted himself off. He looked at his hand and noticed it was white again. He was white again!!! “Jesus….”, Brad started, but Jesus interrupted. “That’s Black Jesus, bitch. You give a shit about a white mermaid princess now?”

     Brad, shaken and thankful to be alive and returned to his normal state, measured his words and spoke, “I mean, making her black is just pandering to the PC left media….” BOOM!!!!! There was a bright flash of light! When it subsided, Brad was gone. There was nothing but a pile of ash next to a pair of smoking boat shoes. Jesus got on the radio in the cruiser. “Yeah, Uncle Beezy? What up, my smokey nigga?!!! I got another one for Hitler’s work detail.”

     Thank you for reading. I am rusty and this was meh, but it’s a story. I have been promising forever to do more stories. Now that I have a new gifted laptop, there will certainly be more of my satire and twisted sense of humor.

Sincerely,

The Geekfather

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Plenty of Fish Will Make You Hate People


Have you ever tried online dating? It’s really hit or miss. Those eHarmony, Match.com, and other commercials are just blowing smoke up your sad, lonely ass. Why? Because people are terrible. We all think we’re the hero who is just waiting for our fated love and all we need to do is put up a kick-ass profile and wait. In reality, we are all the villain driving interested people away and then crying about why we never find anyone good while we cry into our peach vanilla ice-cream as we plot the downfall of mankind. What? I like peach-vanilla ice cream. Don’t judge me.

 

Now, I have tried a few different websites and have had decidedly sub par luck in finding a nice woman. Online dating will make you hate people if you let it. I did have the best luck with eHarmony. They did do a good job of matching people for the most part, but no one has yet to master that intangible element of relationships that is the most important- being in each other’s company. You can look like motherfucking Olivia Munn, be intelligent and funny like Tina Fey, know every nerd fact like Felicia Day, but if you come off as crazy like Amanda Bynes on coke when I meet you then we can’t be doing thangs.

article-bynes5-0523

This is the kind of shit you’ll come across often on POF. Hot messes abound!

 

 

I liked eHarmony, but that shit is expensive. I felt like I was paying someone to smile at me while they were punching me in my groin. Every rejection was a gouge in my soul!!!! Not really, but it will make you question yourself and to drink heavily. So I canceled my account there because I’m 1.) POOR AS SHIT and 2.) POOR AS FUCK. I didn’t want to quit trying though because I like boobies and I can at least learn to tolerate the ladies they are attached to. So I aimed a little (okay, a lot) lower and went with Plenty of Fish. We all know POF. It’s like the ghetto of dating sites. It is free so you get the clientele that free usually attracts. The quality tends to suffer. That’s not to say that there aren’t amazing people on there and that you won’t meet someone fantastic, but you will have to wade neck deep through some stank wrong people to get at the awesome ones.

There's a lot of wading...

There’s a lot of wading…

 

I resorted to online dating because I was on the verge of becoming a hermit. It’s like shopping. The effort of field work and ‘boots on the ground’ in the trenches is taken out of the equation. So you sit there, in your underpants eating Frosted Flakes, rifling through boob shots with taglines such as “I’m more that just a pair of boobs!”, “Men are Bullshit!!!!”, and “Are there any honest, good men out there?!!!” The irony, it hurts. Ladies, if you put up pics of your cleavage, you will attract men, however, you will attract ALL THE MEN. Even the ones you don’t want. Breasts are a weapon of mass destruction. They are like thermonuclear bombs. Your target will be hit, but you will also annihilate the surrounding area.  There are creepers who will comment about your tits if you put them on display. You will always suffer creepers, but you will suffer less if you maybe ease up on the pics of your breasts exposed almost to the nipples. If you’re trying to land a man worthy to date, you should maybe downplay your melons. You aim low, you’ll hit low. You know what I mean? Make us boys work for them titties!!!! Sorry, I like saying titties. Fun word. Wow, 10 references to breasts (11!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!) in this paragraph. That has to be a personal best for me.

As a man, when you see this, you cannot help but have thoughts not fit to udder in public. See what I did there?

As a man, when you see this, you cannot help but have thoughts not fit to udder in public. See what I did there?

 

I think I’m not a bad catch. I have manners!!! I behave!!!! I’m a good dude!!!! I keep my weird behavior on the quiet until you’re in love with me, then it’s too late!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Am I perfect? Noooo, but my good outweighs my bad I’d like to think. Unfortunately, women on dating sites are likely bombarded with so many creepy, tracksuit-wearing, tribal tattooed, Dwayne Johnson wannabes that their defenses are up so high that they miss when an actual good man shows them respect, intelligence, and most important…interest. Women and men on these sites are entirely too picky and restrictive in their criteria. That includes me. You have the right to be, but be aware of your restrictive finickiness (is that a word?) before you say “There aren’t any good men/women!!!!” while you delete all those messages unread because the person sending it doesn’t fit your narrow guidelines. You ever see a hot guy/girl with someone who you think is not? How do you think that happened? Lots of charm, conversation, and at least one of them taking a chance. At least read the messages and be polite, because you never know.

Why would my momma lie to me?

Why would my momma lie to me?

 

And guys, for the love of Cupid, don’t act like an asshole. Messages like “Hey baby.”, “Damn gurl, you lookin’ foooin’!!”, “Can I get at you? Holla atcha boi!”, and the always popular “Look at dem titties!!” aren’t really helping. Well, at least don’t use that shit for your introductory message unless you are on Fuckdate.com. No workout pics or dirty mirror pics either!!! Keep your god-damned shirt on! Show yourself doing something. Be out and about!! Show pics of your pets if you have them. Chicks love that shit. Makes their vaginas hum. Show your kids. They like seeing that you are a loving, responsible dad. Many women are into that. Show some class!!! There will be plenty of time later for you to let yo freak out. Trust me. 

This kind of encompasses all the douchebag at once.

This kind of encompasses all the douchebag at once. You can just hear him calling you ‘Babygurrrrl’ can’t you?

 

My point is this:

Plenty of Fish sucks. I probably should stop using it.