You’re Much Shittier Than I Expected


As a hardcore geek, my blood boils over on a great many nerd things. Hollywood ruining my childhood, The Kingpin being portrayed as a black guy in Daredevil: The Affleckining, fat guys dressed as Batman at comic conventions, Han Solo not shooting first..you know, important, world changing things!!! One thing, though, pisses me off enough to take time from my important Netflix binge-watching (Hey, all those episodes of Fringe aren’t going to watch themselves, you know!) and that is…..

The endings….

Of television series. Some really awesome shows had wonderful runs and were just laid to waste by incomplete, rushed, or just plain bad endings. I, like you, devote years of my life to delve deep into my favorite shows. I spend countless hours absorbing the back-story and all the minute details. Then, when the inevitable happens, and the show runs its course and must end, I expect there to be AN ULTIMATE EPISODE OF EPIC MAGNITUDE. A MAJESTIC CLOSURE! All the story-lines get wrapped up neatly, the guy gets the girl, the girl gets the guy, the guy gets blown, the bad guy gets died, everyone gets high and lives happily ever after. Boom. MIND BLOWN.

Scanners_head_explode_screenshot

Alas…more often than not, this fails to happen. Why? I don’t know. Bad writing? The mythology got so huge that they forgot half of the shit they invented in the first place? Not writing the ending first? Not having a five year plan for the show? Most likely though, the show got canceled and there was no time to write a proper geekturbatory send-off to your obsessed-over favorite time-suck of a show. Sucks for you that you liked a show that no one watched. Yes, I’m talking to you, Browncoats. 🙂

mal reynolds tightpants

Not even your tight pants were enough to save the show. Also, Wash is still dead.

These are just American shows and not a complete list. These are just five examples off the top of my head…..

1. Star Trek: Enterprise-‘These Are the Voyages…’ Sooooo, after I invest time into getting to know great characters like Archer, Reed, Phlox, Klingon #3, and T’Bang, errrr, T’Pol you’re going to give me an ending involving Old Fat Riker and Sorta Still Hot Counselor Troi on THE FUCKING HOLODECK?! Like you’re telling me the entire struggle of the first Earth ship to explore space and make first contact, their year-long fight to save Earth from the Xindi (still sounds like an alien stripper to me), and Captain Archer’s crucial role in the formation of the Federation was all just a computer generated program on the holodeck that it extrapolated from history texts?! The show couldn’t even get a proper ending?! The cook was fat-ass Riker the whole time? You kill Trip Tucker in the last episode on some half-assed, poorly executed “Save my daughter, Enterprise!!!” story? Would you like some weak sauce with your fail fries? They couldn’t even give us Archer’s speech. All we got was how important it was. It was like if you heard about Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address from everyone, but no one actually had a copy of it for you to read. See for yourself….

So much fail. It’s still too painful.

2. Lost-‘The End’. I loved this show. I didn’t get what the fuck was going on, but I loved it! Right until the very end, when they decided to just chuck a deuce on even trying to make sense and gave you….nothing. After years of building mystery on top of mystery they copped out and didn’t explain shit. The smoke monster, the numbers, the hatch, the electromagnetic island that time travels, the telepathic kid, and the FUCKING POLAR BEAR were just conveniently forgotten to bring us a bunch of really happy dead people meeting up in purgatory. Perhaps you liked the show too and I offer my condolences. I learned a hard lesson. Never trust Damon Lindelof to write ANYTHING. Prometheus, anyone?

3. The Sopranos-‘Made in America’.  I was fascinated to watch Tony Soprano and his mob shenanigans! The beatings! The killings! The robbings! The strippers! The gabagool! Baba-boom bada-bing, fuggedaboutit! Watching this show, you expected Tony was going to get a couple of bullets to the skull. I was waiting for it. We cut to the final scene in the diner. The family was all together in a rare Rockefeller-type moment, enjoying each others company. THAT was a perfect time for…..the screen to go to black and the credits to roll. What the fuck, man?! THAT’S the one murder you can’t show? Give me the gunshots, give me Tony face down in his onion rings with his blood and brains staining the table! Heck, gun down the whole family. Nobody liked AJ anyway. Fuck it. Sometimes you can be too cute and creative for your own good, David Chase.

Heck, I would have taken this over the nothing we got.

4. St. Elsewhere-‘The Last One’. You whippersnappers may not remember this great television show about the goings on at a fictional Boston teaching hospital, St. Eligius. Let me educate. The hospital was dilapidated and in the ghetto! There was drama, lives saved, lives lost, comedy, romance, and life lessons learned! St. Elsewhere was the ER of the 80’s. Besides that, it had a cast of Hollywood bad-asses such as Denzel Washington, Mark Harmon, Ed Begley, Jr., Ronnie Cox, Alfre Woodard, and even Howie Mandel. A hardcore audience followed the lives, professionally and personally, of the staff and patients. There was only one problem…..it was all the imagining of an autistic kid named Tommy Westphall. Excuse me, what? So, all that shit didn’t really happen on the show? Well, fuck me. This was such a big “shit on the audience” moment that there is actually a Tommy Westphall Universe Hypothesis. Click the link and look for yourself.

Also, there was a cute cat that always showed in the intro and end credits named Mimsie. Because there wasn’t enough mind-fucking going on in the final episode, they said, “Let’s kill Mimsie, too!!!”

5. Dinosaurs-‘Changing Nature’. There is so much mind-cramping going on with this show that it’s hard to pick on the ending. It was the 90’s. Don’t judge. Times were different. Basically, this show, catering to mainly children, was half Flintstones and half acid-trip with dinosaurs thrown in. The characters were Jim Henson puppets. Picture the Simpsons as dinosaurs and you’ve essentially got it. We all know dinosaurs all died when a huge asteroid played chicken with Earth and nearly missed. This being a show whose merchandise was marketed to children, it was pretty hardcore for them to end it’s run by basically telling everyone that the dinos fucked up and ENDED THE WORLD. The end was a thinly veiled commentary on global environmental issues and how mankind’s (or dinokind’s) greed and stupidity ruined it all. It was heavy subject matter for a show about some fucking muppets, man.

Hey, Baby, so….you ready to die?

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So What’s in a Title Sequence, Anyway?


Hey there people. If you’ve found this blog you either meant to come here because you are a Geekvenger or you stumbled upon this accidentally. Like in those horror movies where they find Ted’s head in the toilet? Someone screams and yells, “MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?! LET’S GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE?!”

No one ever does that though. They all stay and die terribly, except the pretty white girl. You’ll stay and read. I promise not to kill you. The judge was very specific on that. I do promise to entertain you and educate you on some more nerdtastic things. Today’s subject?

Intros. Yes, intros. You know, the beginning part of your favorite television show before the credits and all the awesome happens? Perhaps you are one of those poor saps who likes reality television or some other shitty program that doesn’t have an awesome introduction monologue or song. I weep for you. I weep for humanity. My salty tears are crying tears of their own. There is going to be video! Pictures! Awesome! I know my audience. Who wants to read a lot of stupid words?

Why do I feel that intros are important? Well, for one, a good introduction can tell you the backstory of the show’s main protagonist. Gives you a little history and adds some meat to the show. It helps new viewers figure out what the deal is!

Like, for example…..

See, now you know that their Pretender ran away! He must have hated pizza day in the cafeteria. Shame that he couldn’t pretend to have a good haircut. Also a shame that this assnugget makes you watch this video on Youtube. Anyway, we continue!

Intros can tell the tragic tale of how the character you are supposed to care about came to be in the predicament or shape that they are currently in. Like my man Steve Austin! No, not that Steve Austin, this Steve Austin….

Yeah, you’re doing the NANANANANANANANANANANA now, aren’t you? Don’t lie. For my generation of geeks and nerds, Six Million Dollar Man was the fucking business. If you disagree, you’re wrong, so shut-up.

Sometimes, a show intro just basically tells you exactly what you are going to get in every episode of the show. It keeps things simple. This is usually reserved for one trick shows that don’t involve a lot of depth, character development, or class. Some of my favorite television! Liiiiiiiiiike…..

Did anyone else get a boner? No? Well, this is awkward. Inappropriate boners aside, I know you started singing along to the theme song. You couldn’t help it. It’s in your DNA.

Or…..

Ok, do you have a boner now? No? Come on! You guys are making me feel weird here. How can this hook not get you?

Both of these shows weren’t deep. They jumped a shit ton of cars and crashed even more. Bo, Luke, and Michael bedded women, drank, fought, and had an unhealthy and questionable relationship with their cars.

Many times intros are used to trick you. Make you think you are watching something serious and amazing and in reality you’re getting something cheesy and fluffy.

HOW DARE YOU CALL HERCULES CHEESY AND FLUFFY?!!!! MAY ZEUS SMITE YOUR PANTS!!!!!

By the awesome voice-over, you’d think this show was serious. There wasn’t a serious bone in this show’s body and we liked it! I watched every episode and think Kevin Sorbo is dreamy cool.  Hercules led toooooo….yes, you know where I’m going……

Now I know you have a boner!!! Ladies, you too. Cause Xena is so bad ass she can give women boners. I am slightly disturbed at the large amount of Xena and Gabrielle lesbian love scene tributes I had to dig through to find a good intro video, but these are the sacrifices I make to bring you folks hilarity and shenanigans. It was hard, but I survived.

Science fiction has always lent itself to really fucking awesome introduction sequences. Nerds like bad ass themes and music to go with their lasers, space fights, alien tentacles, and Prime Directive rule breaking!

FUCK THE PRIME DIRECTIVE!!!! THAT SHIT IS FOR PUSSIES! BRING ON THEM GREEN BITCHES!!!! – Capt. Kirk

Also…

Claudia Christian, call me!

Finally, we get down to the really good shit. The intros that give you goosebumps and make your knees weak. These are my favorites. They usually occur after the opening scene of the episode, right after you’ve said, “WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK?!” and taken another bong hit bite of your sandwich. Yes, we’re going there. Two of the best ever at this are…….

The baddest ass show in the history of television. You can disagree, but you are wrong, and you can eat a bag of dicks we can agree to disagree. This show is so deep, thought provoking, funny, heartfelt, and on the cutting edge of awesome! So awesome in fact that they actually change the intro sometimes based on the episode you are about to watch! Such as….

My eyes are crying happiness. One of the coolest ever! A retro, 1980’s style opening?!!! FUCK YEAH!!! NOSTALGIA, BITCH!!!!

and my personal favorite…..

If you aren’t immediately googling Fringe right now and trying to find where you can watch episodes online or buy the DVDs then you are dead inside and I can no longer help you.

Now, even though Fringe is my favorite, I would be remiss if I did not put everyone else’s favorite intro in this blog.

Believe……the truth is out there….

The best quality one I could find that wasn’t based on Mulder and Scully fan fiction/porn. Maybe it was the fact that I was incredibly high while I watched this show, but I remember it fondly as one of my 3 favorites ever and I have to say that the opening prologue and title sequence really got me pumped and into what I was watching. Both Fringe and the X-Files are complete immaculate perfection that I leave you with something wonderful…a mashup!

You’re welcome.

What are some of your favorite title sequences and intros? Let us know at The Geekvengers! Don’t be shy, we don’t bite.

We nerd, we geek, we give you what you seek.