Teenage Mutant Ninjacking Turtle!


*DISCLAIMER* THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING. YOU WON’T LOOK AT NINJA TURTLES THE SAME IF YOU READ THIS. IF YOU CHOSE TO CONTINUE, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. YOU’LL EITHER LAUGH YOUR ASS OFF OR NEVER COME HERE AGAIN.

 

 

 

 

Michelangelo was in his room relaxing after yet another tough street fight with the Foot Clan. He and his brothers fought Shredder and tore him a new turtlehole as usual. He retreated like a punk bitch as usual. While on the way home, Rocksteady and Beebop thought they could take advantage of the situation, but those fools got schooled too.
“No chance.” Mikey mumbled out loud to himself. Mikey was so awesome during that fight, literally yelling out “I’m righteous wicked, dude!!!!” He was chilling out waiting for the pizza guy to show (why they allow the pizza guy to see their hidden underground lair was beyond him) when his thoughts drifted to April O’Neil, the crack field reporter. She was always there on the scene, getting footage of them, helping in their fight, and inevitably needing their protection. His room was adorned with a disturbing amount of pictures of her, especially involving her ample breasts.
Mikey realized his little turtle was out of its shell. He was a teenager and the hormones were strong, even more so enhanced by the green radioactive ooze. Daredevil went blind and got enhanced senses and sonar, while all Mikey got was becoming a teenage mutant ninja turtle that got the most inappropriate monster boners. Right now was one of those times. “I got time before the pizza gets here! I can’t deny the TURTLE POWER!!!!!”
He found himself staring at all his April pictures on his wall like a horny teenager…who happens to be a six foot seven, 450lb turtle. Leo, Raph, and Donnie all thought he was crazy for being hot for a human woman. Raph was always saying “Turtles can’t bone people, ya numbskull!!! There are laws!” Well, he was a dreamer! Those titties of hers were always straining against her stupid yellow jumpsuit. “How many of those fucking things does she own?” Mikey thought to himself. Those thoughts led him to pull out “The Box” under his bed. The one that had the ‘more adult’ stuff he had of hers, which included a pair of her panties. Mikey had lifted a pair from her dresser when they were scouting her apartment after they first met her. Raph said it was to make sure she was “Cool n’ shit.” The panties were yellow. All of her panties were yellow. “What’s her deal with yellow, anyway?” He figured she wouldn’t miss a pair.
“Oh, April, let me help you out your jumpsuit…oh what I’m going to do to you…” Mikey was now in full furious stroke when April burst into his room..
“MIKEY!!! WE GOT A LEAD ON…..HOLY SHIT, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!!!!” April was mortified.
Mikey recoiled in shock and embarrassment. He fumbled with her panties and was trying to put his monster back in the shell.
“THE FUCK, MIKEY?! HOW DID YOU GET A PAIR OF MY PANTIES?! WHY WERE YOU MASTURBATING WITH THEM? GOD, WHY DOES YOUR PENIS LOOK LIKE THAT ALIEN GOO SNAKE FROM ‘PROMETHEUS’?! Even in absolute horrific shock, April still asked a ton of questions.
Mikey paused, still holding her yellow panties, “Uhhhh, what answer would get you to not tell Master Splinter about this? I mean, I borrowed a pair from your dresser when we were scoping your pad, dude. They were all yellow! I didn’t think you’d miss one pair! As for my penis, I’m a turtle. I have a turtle dick. You ever see a turtle dick?”
“NOOOOOOO!!!!! EWWWW!!!! WHY WOULD I LOOK FOR TURTLE DICK ON THE INTERNET?!” April was fuming now
“Curiosity? Once you go green…..”
“AHHHHGGGGHHH!!!! NOOO!!! THOSE WERE MY FAVORITE PAIR!!!! April interrupted.
Mikey was puzzled. “How can you tell?”
“I…JUST KNOW! DON’T JUDGE ME!!! MASTER SPLINTER!!!!! COME HERE!!!” The judgment in April’s eyes was unmistakable. Her eyes narrowed. “You’re so busted.”
Master Splinter appeared as if out of nowhere into the doorway, looking very grim and serious as always. “What….is the problem, my dear April?”
“I caught MICHELANGELO plaaaaaaying with himself while fondling and sniffing my panties!!!”
Splinter looked away from April and directly at a very guilty Mikey. “Yes….your favorite yellow ones…” Splinter whispered softly to himself with a wistful glint in his eye.
April shot a glare at Splinter. “What?!” Splinter recovered like a ninjitsu  master. “Oh, nothing, nothing.” Splinter rose, back straight, “MICHELANGELO!!!!! YOU HAVE BROUGHT SHAME UPON THIS HOUSE!!! APOLOGIZE AT ONCE FOR YOUR DEVIANT BEHAVIOR!!!!”
Mikey was still trying to shrink his boner now hidden under his Incredible Hulk bed sheets. He was still staring at her breasts, which seemed to heave to and fro and almost throb on their own. How did her top remain closed. It was like she was wearing a smedium on purpose. “I’m sorry, April. I hadn’t ever planned for you to catch me ninjacking…”
“LOOK AT HER EYES!!!!” Splinter commanded. He was staring at her chest too, but he was better at hiding it. He missed being a human at times like this so much. Mikey raised his eyes to meet April’s. “I’m sorry. Do….you…want your panties back, dude?”
“EWWW, NOOOO!!!! BURN THOSE!!!!” April yelled. Then, composing herself, said more calmly “It is ok, I GUESS. Just…give me a lot of space. I don’t want to see you near my stuff again!”
Mikey looked over at Splinter, who returned his gaze with a look of stern disapproval. The stare burned through Mikey’s soul. “Ok.” Mikey said with the tone of a child who disappointed his parent.
“April, I apologize for my student’s actions. I will reprimand him accordingly. He will learn his lesson well.” Splinter was shrunken now in his standard slumped posture, as if asking for April’s forgiveness.
“Good! I’m…going to go now and pretend I never had this experience.I don’t know why I thought a turtle dick would look like a human dick.I need a drink.” The words trailed off as she rushed out the door.
Splinter stared at Mikey for what seemed like a 1,000 years before he finally spoke. “Michelangelo, what is the lesson to learn from this?”
Mikey thought hard for a moment then offered his answer, “Don’t masturbate, Master Splinter?”
“NO!!!” Splinter bellowed. “LOCK. YOUR. DOOR.” Splinter looked at him more softly now. “Now, put away your weapon and wash your hands. The pizza is here. Don’t touch mine, please.”
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Mystery Dick Theater: Cock’s Last Day


This blog is about dicks; not figurative dicks, but literal dicks.

“Uh, ok.” I can hear you say it now, but bear with me. I had posted an article on my Facebook profile a few days ago about NBA player and doofus Draymond Green “accidentally” posting a picture to his entire Snapchat TL of his penis. My dear friend Elizabeth Anne Hamilton and I entertained ourselves immensely and gloriously lewdly posting comments about it as if his penis was getting a performance review from the boss.  Here now, is how, if his dick was being reviewed like they do in the workplace, I think it would go….

Big Dick (President and founder of Big Dick Pics): “Cock! Cock Johnson! Cum in here!”

In strolls Cock to Dick’s office, erect, excited to receive a stroking. “What’s up, Big Dick?! You yelled for me?”

Big Dick: “So we need to talk about your performance….”

Cock: “Damn straight! You like that Dick Pic I dropped on that girl’s Snapchat?! I was all oiled up and shiny, like a boss!” Cock was pleased with himself as he gently throbbed.

BD: “Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that CJ. That pic went to EVERYONE’S TL, you penis! Which would be salvageable, but, well….you were looking listless and droopy. The Lighting was poor!  I really think you could do better. Have you considered further training?”

CK: “I don’t understand BD. I flog everyday!!! Never skip a day!!!  I’m like a rock!”

BD: “Well, by the looks of this pic, more like a soft pebble. Maybe you’re jacking too hard? Maybe you need some help? Viagra? Your medical plan covers it. You should look into it. You know how us older penises get. I take it, there’s no shame there.”

CK: “Fuck that, BD! I don’t use performance enhancers!!! That’s for those bullshit movie penises! I’m a real phallus! I go all natural.”

BD: “Can you maybe get more erect?”

CK: “Dammit boss, I am ballin’ so hard! I’m one of your best members! I mean, I know I’m not as big as Mandingo Jones, but I got moves! I work what I got.”

BD: “Mandingo is our star right now, Cock. He’s like a battering ram. He’s curiously frightening, which is good. You’ve fallen off. We hired you because of your plucky spirit and you were always ready to go at a moment’s notice. The hint of cleavage, a wisp of panty line, a breeze…and you sprung into action.  Now….you’re soft.  I’m afraid I’m going to have to write you up for a poor attitude. Please bear in mind you have been warned. The next time we catch you sleeping on the job, you’re sacked.”

Cock Johnson begins to throb faster now. Part anger and part sadness, he bursts into tears. “I’m…I’m not 17 anymore…I….I’ve been having trouble at home…and…..” The throbbing is now reaching a crescendo.

BD: Oh, no, stop crying……. OH GOD, THOSE AREN’T TEARS!!! WHAT IS THAT COMING OUT OF YOUR EYE? DAMMIT, COCK, YOU’RE FIRED!!! We can’t have that kind of a mess here! After that outburst, I’m afraid you’ll need to pack up your desk and leave the premises. We can’t have that kind of a mess here.

CK, between spurts: “Is there severance pay?”

BD: “WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT!!!!!” Big Dick hardens himself, “I’m afraid I can’t answer questions about unemployment insurance. You’ll need to contact HR about that. Also, I’m afraid our company will not be giving you a reference. Now, pack your things and security will help you pull out.”

Cock is now deflated. He feels half the size he was when he walked in the office. “I can’t believe I’ve been dicked. What will I do now?” Cock mutters to himself as he hangs a left down the exit hallway….

There you are. That’s where my brain went with that. Go find the original thread on my page. Until next time!

PILLOW, TIMMY!

A Random Tuesday in Heaven


God: “I can’t believe this!!! JESUS!!! JESUS?! JESUS H. CHRIST, I’M CALLING YOU!!!”

Jesus: “Dad dammit, I heard you. What is it?”

God: “You ever watch this Charlie Sheen guy? Did I really make him that much of a douchebag? I couldn’t have. WINNING?! Did I accidentally give him tiger’s blood for real? Cause that would make him retarded I’d think.”

God's shameful mistake....

 


Jesus: “Well, sometimes people turn out that way DAD. He’s done a mountain of cocaine and porn stars. It’s a hell of a drug. Makes you crazy! Don’t you know this? I thought you were OMNIPOTENT…OMNISCIENT! INFALLIBLE.”

God: “You ungrateful little jackass! I’m your father! You show some respect!”

Jesus: “Ooooh, like you showed me?! Hey…uh…Jesus…sorry to tell you this, buuuuut I’m gonna have to have you sacrifice yourself for the Jews. And they’re going to turn their back on you. But they’ll still like me….”

God: “Look, stop doing that! You are mocking me and I don’t like it!”

Jesus: “What you gonna do big guy? Send me to my death?”

God: “Damn, would you just let that go? It’s been like 2000 years already!! I SAID I WAS SORRY!”

God felt really bad.

 


Jesus: “Yeah, I got nailed to a cross that I was made to carry while the Romans were whipping me. Now I know how the slaves felt..”

God: “Awww, shit, who are you now? Kunta Kinte? You should be proud!”

Jesus: “All that time, since I was a little kid, I had to bear the knowledge that my absentee dad was planning to have me killed for some assholes that don’t even think I exist. I’m sooooo proud.”

God: “Now we’re on that subject are we? Look, I told you, I couldn’t be around. I had to run things up here.”

Jesus: “Right. Like the angels couldn’t run things!”

God: “Those guys? Are you insane? If I left them alone there would be anarchy. They are still pissed that they have no genitals! You saw what Satan tried to do. I had to put him down.”

Jesus: “So THAT’S why they’re always so cranky?! Wow. Whatever! You were never there for me!”

God: “Ugh, you had Mary and Joseph. What do you want?!”

Mary and Joseph....raising God's illegitimate chillins since 0 A.D.!

 

Jesus: “Joseph? He wasn’t my daddy! He was always asking me to turn water into wine so he could drink it!”

God: “You liar, he was not!”

Jesus: “He hit me.”

God: “No he didn’t!”

Jesus: “Well….he thought about it. I could hear him thinking….That fucking son of God kid…always telling me who his daddy is…God this, God that, he destroyed Sodom & Gomorra, I have to die for people’s sins…blah blah blah..”

God: “Look…okay, maybe he wasn’t the best guy, but your mom was hot. She had such a tight…”

Jesus: “Daaaaaad!!! So you just knocked her up because you could eh? Did you really love her?”

God: “I love everybody.”

Jesus: “Hmmmpp. You sure have a crappy way of showing it.”

God: “Damn, quit busting my holy jewels would you? Don’t you have to prepare for The Second Coming?”

Jesus: “Are you gonna have me be born to a virgin girl with a heart of gold again?”

God: “Why not? It worked the first time!”

Jesus: “You old fart…it’s the 21st century. There are no virgins anymore! Even geeks are getting laid! Well…except for that Selles dude. How about having me be born to a heroin addicted hooker from Detroit or something?”

God: “WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND PROSTITUTES?! You just can’t let that go, can you? Do you know how many Popes I had to bribe so they would cover up that Mary Magdalene fiasco? That DaVinci Code shit nearly fucked it all up.”

Jesus really has a thing for hoes. Really, it's become kind of a problem.

 
Jesus: “Oh, and you don’t like impregnating virgins?”

God: “DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO!”

Jesus: “Pffft. When I’m in charge…”

God: “Ooooh, watch out, Jesus is gonna run this joint in his Birkenstocks and sissy robe!”

Jesus: “Yeah, that’s right, mock me all you want. You wait! I’ll show you…”

They'd made fun of his sandals for the last time....

 


They’re Not After Our Scooby Snacks, Gang!


They're all smiling 'cause they just finished hot boxing the van.

 


The sun was hanging high in the sky, raining sunshine down onto the gang. They were cruising in their Mystery Machine, relaxing after another successful solving of a case. Shaggy was driving with Daphne riding shotgun and Fred, Velma, and Scooby-Doo hanging out in the back.

Shaggy: “Hey Scoob, pass me a sandwich man, cause I’m like, starving up here!”

Scoob: “Oray Raggy!!! Ru runt rayonnaise on it?!”

Shaggy: “Sure do Scoob! That sounds deeeeeelicious! Mmmmmm, nothing better than a peanut butter and mayo sandwich!!!”

Scooby hands Shag the sandwich and Shag proceeds to take a huge bite, slathering a mix of mayo and pb on his face. Daphne looks over at Shag and becomes visibly disgusted.

And you thought I was making this up.

 


Daphne: “Shaggy, that is gross!! You look like an idiot with that mayo on your face.”

Shag: “At least the white shit on my face is mayo and not jizz you vapid, horny skankbag. Right Scoob?!”

Scoob: “HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!! RIGHT!!! Rou rell her Raggy!!! Rucking Ritch!”

Daphne: “Fuck you, Norville! You and your fucktard dog can suck a dick. Shit, maybe you guys do already.”

With that comment, Shaggy reaches over and backhands Daphne.

Shag: “Don’t you ever call me Norville you cocktease! You’ve been teasing Fred for 40 fucking years now. His balls are so damned blue, they look like two Smurfs pressing their asses together.”

Daphne retreats from Shaggy, holding her cheek. Fred decides to come to the aid of Daphne.

Fred: Shaggy!!! Stop it. There was no need for that!!! You should apologize for what you’ve done!”

Shag: “Like, kiss my stoned ass Fred. Why don’t you take that sissy scarf of yours and your blue balls and give Velma a ride. Better yet, I’ll let Scoob fuck her. Maybe if she got manly Scooby-dick and not that number 2 pencil like yours she would come back from the land of the carpet grazers!!! Right Scoob?!”

Scooby: “Right Raggy! Ret me ruck her!!! I’ll rear rat ass out!!! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!”

Velma: “Go play in traffic Shaggy. You had your chance with me remember? All I can recall was a limp dick, you junky. I had to go get my jinkies off with Daphne after we busted Old Man Witherspoon.”

Daphne: “Uhhhhhhh…..”

Don't lie....you've thought about it.


The argument continued inside the Green Machine as they rocketed down the highway. They were so involved in their own fight that they didn’t notice 3 unmarked Suburbans following them. The agents inside were getting antsy, ready to make their move.

Agent Weed: “We’ve got them now, eh Agent Stoner?”

Agent Stoner: “Fuckin’ A. Let’s wait until we have our state trooper backup, then we’ll spring the trap. These drug smuggling motherfuckers are going down!!!!”

The van continued along for another few miles on an open and semi-crowded stretch of interstate, Shaggy kept hounding everyone in the van.

Shag: “…..And that’s why I think you all suck!”

Scoob: “HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!! Exrept re, right Raggy?”

…….

Scoob: “Raggy?

…….

Scoob: “Ruck rou then rotherrucker!!!! Rats ruh ras rime I rake rou a randrich!!!!!”

Scooby-Doo, being the smart, investigative Great Dane that he is, looked out the van’s rear window and noticed that they were being tailed by no less than 5 state troopers and 3 SUVs. He knew immediately who they were and why they were after the van.

Scoob: “RAGGY, RIT’S RUH RUCKING R.E.A.!!!!”

Fred: “Who?”

Scoob: “Ruh R.E.A.!”

Velma: “Damn Scooby, we can’t fucking understand you, you lispy dumb fuck!!!! Speak clearly!”

Scooby: “Raggy, rhet me rhill ris ritch? Rease?!!!”

Shag: “No, Scoob, we need her for negotiation!!! He said D.E.A. Velma! Now shut the fuck up so I can think!!! FUCK!!! How’d they find us?! I thought we cleaned out all our weed stashes and closed the meth-lab?”

Velma: “Negotiations? A METH-LAB?! What the hell are you guys doing while we are solving cases?!”

Fred & Daphne: “Yeah, what the hell?!”

Shag: “We’re making sure we didn’t run outta jack you retards!!! Like, you think ghostchasing pays the bills? None of you have ever had a job, yet you ride around in my sweet van eating my food and pissing me off!! Me and Scoob had to improvise.”

Daphne: “By selling drugs?!”

Shaggy: “I didn’t hear you complaining when I was supplying your ganj, bitch!”

Daphne: “I thought…..that was just for us…”

Shaggy: “Whatever you brickhead. Now get in the back on your knees and do what you are good at…nothing!”

Graphical representation of just how useless Daphne actually is.



By now, the SUV containing Agents Weed & Stoner were in the lead. Agent Stoner gets on the loudspeaker:

“ATTENTION!!!! WE HAVE YOU!!!! SURRENDER AND YOU WILL NOT BE HURT!!! STOP THE VAN AND COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS AND PAWS UP!!!”

Agent Weed: “Get ready Stoner, just in case they don’t give up.”

Fred, Velma, & Daphne: “Stop the van!!!”

Shag: “Okay, I’m gonna stop the van. Scoob, you know what to do?”

Scoob: “Ramn right. Ret’s rhet rum (let’s get some)!!!!!”

The Mystery Machine slows, pulls to the side of the road, and stops. All of the pursuing law enforcement vehicles stop and block the road. Agents Weed and Stoner exit their SUV and draw their weapons.

Agent Weed: “Give it up Rogers!!! We know you’re in there. We just want you and the dog. Don’t make this harder!!!!”

Shag: “You can’t get hard you pig!!!! Eat me fucker!!! Do it Scoob!!!”

Scoob: “Rokay!!!”

Scooby opens a hidden panel in the floor revealing M-16s, AK-47s, some RPGs, and a minigun. Scooby sets up the gatling cannon and kicks open the back door of the van………

Indescriminate Movie Cop with a Porn ‘Stache #1: “That fucking dogs got a God-damned MINIGUN!!!!!” Go for cover!!!!!”


Years on the road had made Shagg and Scoob hawwwwwwd motherfuckers. They just played dumb for the rest of the gang.


Scooby pulls the trigger and let’s loose a full burst of automatic gatling cannon fire like something out of a movie. The agents dive behind their vehicles for cover just as the rounds tear into their cars. The sound of the bullets shredding the cop’s and agent’s cars is only outdone by the buzzing roar of the gatling cannon.

Something from a movie…who doesn’t like Old Painless??!!!! Seriously

Scooby: “Rhet rum rockruckas!!!!” (Get some cocksuckers!!!)

Velma: “JINKIES!!!!!!”

Shag: “ZOINKS!!!!! Shut er down Scoob, we gotta get outta here!!!!”

Fuckin' jiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinkies!!!!!! Whew...ok, back to the story...


Scooby stops shooting and dumps the heavy gun, now out of ammo. He pulls out one of the M-16s with a 40mm tube launcher attached under the barrel. He aims for the lead SUV and pulls the launcher trigger….BLOOOOOP!!!

Scoob: “Ray rherrooooo roo my rittle rend!!!!!”

Agent Stoner and Weed run and barely get clear as the grenade impacts their suburban and explodes, sending the SUV flipping into the air, landing on top of Indescriminate Movie Cop with a Porn ‘Stache #1’s (we’ll call him IMCPS from here on) cruiser, causing it to explode thereby taking out a soccer mom mini-van nearby.

Agent Stoner looked so much like Harrison Ford it was uncanny.

 



Mrs. McGuillicutty!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Damn you meddling kids!!!!

 


Shag: “Yeah!!!! We’re outta here!!!!”

Daphne: “Guns, drugs, shooting cops….My God Shaggy, what’s next?!”

Velma: “I think it’s kind of hot. What can I do to help?”

Fred: “I think I pissed myself.”

The van’s tires squeal in protest as it rockets away from a dead stop, it hurtles down the road, trying to distance itself from the law that will most certainly pursue. Scooby, noticing the growing wet spot on Fred’s corduroy slacks, has to take a shot at him.

Scoob: “Russy. Rhet me root him Raggy…..”

Now wanted felons, the gang modified how they operated just a little....


Frankenpiggy


Kermit had just called the one bird who could get him what he needed….

Big Bird.

BB: “Hello Frog, I was wondering when you were gonna call motherfrogger! How’s my frigga doing in the joint? You didn’t let any of them bad boys suck on your tadpole did you?”

Kermit: “No way B…well, except for Fozzie when he visited but I was in a weird place at the time….nevermind, I need your help B! I’ve got to get ought of here and I need Dr. Honeydew. We gotta get Piggy back!”

BB: “Frigga, you know you killed that slab of bad pork, right? She’s Spam now frog.”

Kermit: “I heard Honeydew had perfected a process to reanimate dead felt. Rumor has it he’s used it on Beaker.”

BB: “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, that crazy muppet hasn’t exactly perfected it….it has a bad habit of turning what it brings back into evil, twisted shells of what they used to be! He’s done it to that migga Beaker like 10 times and that mupperfucker is fucking craaaaaaaazy. Can’t even speak no mo…just a bunch of ‘ME ME ME MEEEEE MEEEEEE ME ME ME MEEEEEEEE’. I heard he killed Camille and ate that chicken bitch. Still, good minions are hard to come by and shit, so I can understand why a muppet would do some fucked up shit like that.”

Kermit: “I don’t care! I NEED Piggy! She’s the only one who can save me and my career!! You gonna help me or not Bird?! You remember how I helped you out when shit got fucked up with Snuffy? You owe me!”

Snuffy was quietly phased out of Sesame Street for a while after he showed Maria his…SPECIAL game.

BB: “STILL?! I covered up the fact that you Dirty Harry’d your fat pig wife you muppet son of a bitch!!!!! You STILL ended up in jail because you like giving the felt reach-around to unwilling muppets!!”

Kermit: “LOOK, BERT TOOK ALL THAT SHIT AND LIKED IT!!! Just help me out and I’ll make it worth your while. What you want?”

BB: “Fraggle Rock. I want to own that shit.”

Kermit: “Yeah, fuck them little cave muppets! Yeah, I can do that.”

BB: “Good. Consider it done. I’ll have you released and at Honeydew’s castle within a couple of days.”

Kermit: “Good! Finally, Kermit is gonna be back on top!!!”

…………………………………………………………………………….

After Big Bird gave up the location of the Swede for US law enforcement extradition President Obama was more than happy to pardon Kermit for his offenses. The Swede was a dangerous Muppet and drug trafficker. Getting his smack off the Sesame Streets was worth letting a pork killer like Kermit go free.

Finally, they would get their man!!!!

Kermit was secretly flown on board one of Big Bird’s G5s to an uninhabited island somewhere in the South Pacific. As the plane taxied and came to a stop at the low-key private terminal, Beaker, Dr. Honeydew’s prized 2nd in command, was there to greet him.

These are his actual business cards.

Kermit: “Good day Beaker!! Where is the Dr?”

Beaker: “MEEE MEE MEEEEE MEEEEE MEEEEEEEE MEEEE.”

Kermit: “I’m sorry, do you speak English? I don’t understand gibblish.”

Beaker was obviously frustrated with never being understood. It gave him bad thoughts. Thoughts of wanting to….do bad things again….like he did with Camille…did TO Camille. He wanted to show Kermit the bad things. NO!!! He had to get him to Dr. Honeydew. No killing now. The killing would be for later, if he was good.

Beaker: “MEEEEE MEEE MEEEEE. M.E.E.E. Meeee?”

Kermit: “Uhhh, look, I’m just not getting it. Can you write it down?”

Beaker suppressed his desire to amputate Kermit’s legs and fry them up…eat them with perhaps a nice rice pilaf…some vintage wine….does red go better or white? He was getting excited thinking about it….

Silence of the Beaker….

Kermit, noticing Beaker’s blank, glazed stare became a bit unnerved. “HEY! You in there? Write it down!”

Beaker snapped to reality. “Meeee meeee.” Beaker scribbed something on a notepad he was carrying and showed it to Kermit.

(Meeeeee meeeee meeeee meeeee, meeeee mee me mee meee miiiiii. Meee meeeee mimimimimi. Me.)

Kermit’s face scrunched into one of his patented expressions, displaying exasperation with Beaker and his gibblish. “Let’s just fucking get in the car and you can drive me to the doc, ok?”

Beaker, hiding his displeasure, agreed. “Me.”

They walked from the tarmac to the awaiting car. Kermit settled into the back seat and made himself a drink from the ample bar that adorned the interior of the limo. Beaker looked back and saw what he wanted…Kermit drinking.

Beaker: “Miiiiiiiiiiiii….MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Kermit was perplexed. He felt heavy…groggy…..he wanted to close his eyes. Had he understood gibblish, he would have known that Beaker was telling him all along that the doctor had plans for him. Big Muppet plans. Kermit passed out….the last thing he saw was Beaker’s dead eyes.

Kermit was at their mercy!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Kermit’s eyes opened (Do they even have eyelids? Let’s just go with it shall we?) onto a strange sight….a creature that LOOKED like Miss Piggy but her body was kinda hot. She had bigger tits, but her face….yes, she had butterface. Her body looked stronger, like she had been given HGH or something. Bolts stuck out of her neck. There were wires attached to them and she was strapped to a table with what looked like steel wires and shackles. Her eyes focused intently on him. They had the same look they did three years ago…when she tried to kill him. Her hair stood straight up and had a shock of white running through it. He felt his whole body shiver with fear. He tried to get up to run, but realized he was restrained as well.

In his peripheral vision he noticed a shadowy figure standing in front of a large console with multiple monitors. The console looked evil. Lots of large red buttons and switches. Anyway, the figure spoke. “Ahhhh, good, you are awake Kermit! I can now monologue to you my entire evil plan to use your precious Miss Piggy to take over the Muppet world!”

“Dr. Honeydew! You evil bastard! You know when Big Bird finds out about this he’s gonna send Statler & Waldorf to fuck you up!!!” Kermit spoke with anger at the betrayal.

Just then Beaker came into view and POWWWWWW!, he struck Kermit in the face, knocking one of his eyes googly. “MIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!” Beaker screamed into Kermit’s face. Piggy shifted ever so imperceptibly at the sight of Kermit being struck, her dead looking eyes fixated upon him somehow.

“I’m going to fucking gut you Beaker. You’re gonna pay…” Kermit said with anger.

“Don’t be so melodramatic Frog! Let me apologize for my assistant. He’s…special. Too many electrocutions I suspect. One time I found him masturbating with electrodes attached to his dick. He’s fucking crazy, but a damn good henchman. Do you know how much a good henchman runs these days? Medical insurance, 401-k, paid vacation. It’s ridiculous I tell you. I pay Beaker in….well, let’s just say he gets to enjoy private time with my experiment subjects when I am done with them. You remember Camille don’t you? She was delicious after Beaker was done with her. I just didn’t know you could make chicken so tender and juicy. Really was something.” Honeydew had the mad scientist look down. Lab coat, crazy hair, spectacles, evil grin, no eyes; all that shit. “You see Frog, I need you for….”

“You’ll never get away with this Honeydew. Big Bird will…” POWWWWWWW!!! Beaker struck Kermit again, this time in his stomach. Kermit groaned with the pain. “WAAAAAAARGGGGHHHH!!!” Beaker was excited now. A felt boner was becoming visible in his muppet pants. Miss Piggy stirred again…strained against her bonds. No one seemed to notice.

“DON’T INTERRUPT ME AGAIN YOU MOTHERFRAGGLE!!!!” Honeydew screamed at Kermit. “I’M MONOLOGUING!!!!” Honeydew calmed down, which was even spookier. He spoke in a calm, monotone voice. “Don’t you know it isn’t polite to interrupt a megalomaniacal genius when he’s about to share his evil genius plan for world domination? That’s just rude and in poor taste.”

“You’re insane Honeydew!!! Big Bird will stop you!” Kermit struggled against his shackles.

Honeydew looked at Kermit’s writhing and laughed. “MWA HAHAHAHA!!! You can’t be serious??!!! Big Bird was the one who gave you up Frog! You gave him Fraggle Rock and he sold you out. He was always jealous that you became the famous one with the tv show and the movies. All he got was that one shitty movie and a show on PBS!!! PBS??!!!! The embarrassment!!!! And Snuffy?! Who wants a shaggy elephant?!!! He never got a hot pig bitch to slob on his bird pecker!!! He wanted Piggy so much and you..YOU…killed her. He made up this elaborate plan to jail you, then get you to me. He knew you would feel guilt and want her back and he knew I…ONLY I…had the power to resurrect Miss Piggy! So he subtly suggested that you see me. HEHEHEHE!!!” Honeydew was smug and more than pleased with himself.

“That….fucking yellow bird!! When I get out of this I’m gonna kick the living felt out of you…and your crazy assistant.” Kermit stared at Beaker directly. Beaker looked back with a stone killer’s 1000 yard stare as if he was taunting Kermit, saying “Come on frog, do it.” or more properly, “Mi mi mi meeeee, mi mi.”

“Oh please Kermit, you’re the biggest pussy ever!” Honeydew retorted.

“I killed that fat crazy bitch Piggy!” Kermit was stunned with what came out of his mouth. Perhaps maybe he didn’t need her. Maybe it was up to him all along. Piggy’s eyes twitched at what he had said. They looked even more intensely at him now. Almost as if she knew what he said and was looking to put her pig hoof in his frog ass.

“And I have brought her back! Better, faster, stronger, a little uglier, but she has great tits soooooo…you know….Butterface. Her body is banging, but-her-face…..butterface. REGARDLESS, she’s my minion now!!!!” Honeydew laughed, an insane glint sparkled in his..well, it would if he had eyes. You know what I’m trying to say.

“Noooooo!!!!!!” Kermit screamed, tears rolling down his face. He began to really move around, trying to break his chains. Beaker struck Kermit again with glee. He was fully erect now and daydreaming of frogs legs and wine.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…..

Miss Piggy….she was fully writhing now. The chains were straining to hold her gargantuan yet super hot for a pig frame. Kermit looked over and saw her moving violently and began to get really worried. More worried than he of course already was, you know. Being tied down in the dungeon of an evil crazy genius and being bitch slapped by his serial killerish henchman with an inappropriate boner and all was bad enough. A raging Frankenpiggy would really be a double downer. Kermit looked over at Honeydew…”Uhhhhhh, doctor, you DO see your monster moving, don’t you?”

“It’s of no use frog, you can’t trick me! You see, I need you for your brain. FRANKENPIGGY is almost ready, but she’s stupid.” As Honeydew continued to drone on with his back now turned from Kermit and Piggy and his attention on his mega screen of death displaying schematics, Piggy broke one of her shackles. CLINK! “She’s a dunce you see. Just dumber than a box of rocks. I mean just as retarded as a special olympics last place finisher.”

“You mind not insulting her?! She never liked that! She’s breaking free!” KLANK!! Frankenpiggy had now busted one of her foot shackles and only one hand and one foot were restrained. Kermit now felt a warm stream of liquid run down his leg and puddle onto the floor. “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit…” Beaker was now smiling like Buffalo Bill at Kermit, or he would be if that were possible for his mouth to do that. He was completely ignorant to the fact that a pig monster was very close to breaking out of her chains.

Honeydew wasn’t listening at this point, just jabbering on about his legendary greatness and how he was going to win evil genius of the year which would be a first for a muppet. “…..Forrest Gump could beat her in a game of chess she’s so dumb….” Frankenpiggy heard this and her eyes….they became wild with raging anger. Beaker stopped stroking his hard-on through his pants long enough to see Piggy finally shatter the last of her bindings. CLAAAAANG!!!!!!

“MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!” he squealed in abject terror, trying to alert the doctor to the fact that she was free and reeeeeeeeeeally fucking mad. Beaker pulled out his bowie knife that he used to gut Camille with and rushed Piggy, intent on filleting her too. He already had chicken…now he would dine on pork chops…maybe with a good apple glaze and a nice salad. Piggy was enraged and so powerful. Her gown barely contained her frame. One of her tits was out even. Even so, she was still filled with the violent intent to dismember everyone in the room. She was, indeed, not dumber than a box of rocks. She was…FRANKENPIGGY! Beaker swung his knife toward Piggy and plunged it deep into her exposed tit; a blank look on his face as always hiding his extreme arousal. Piggy grabbed the knife and slowly pulled it out, no blood or felt coming from the wound, only a spurt of what looked like water. He had inexplicably hit one of her new saline breast implants. She looked at Beaker…. “Mi mi.” Beaker said with a matter of fact resignation that this pig was gonna fuck him up.

It looked a lot like this except with a knife sticking out and blind, murdery rage in her eyes.

She screamed “NOW I’M GONNA BE LOPSIDED!!!! HIIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!” and tore away the electrodes from the bolts in her neck and shoved them into Beaker’s very large and creepy eyes. “FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!” he screamed, which surprised him as much as it did a now petrified Kermit still strapped to the table. She flipped the rather large switch on the wall labeled ‘For evil electrical torture, brain swapping or reanimation, pull this’. Beaker’s body was now riddled with like 1.21 gigawatts of electricity or something. Whatever it would take to kill him or whatever. “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” Beaker screamed for a few seconds before his head exploded in a puff of felt and plastic eye fragments.

“I knew that creepy muppetfucker spoke english!!!!” Kermit blurted out much to his surprise. “Good job Piggy! I knew you weren’t…”

“FUCK YOU FROG!!! AFTER I PULL HONEYDEW’S HEAD OUT THROUGH HIS MUPPET ASS, YOU’RE NEXT YOU PUSSY!” Piggy was still herself, but now so much more powerful…and ugly. Kermit was now shitting himself. He was still chained down and not at all looking forward to having his head pulled through his ass. And her tit was still out.

Honeydew saw this all unfold before his non-existent eyes and acting quickly, he pressed the auto-destruct button on his evil console. It was larger and much redder than all the other buttons. Plus it said ‘GO BOOM!!!’ on it. A soft female voice that sounded a lot like Janice chimed, “Like, you have, like 15 minutes….until detonation or something. Please use the emergency exits man and depart the island in an orderly and calm manner for sure.” He knew he designed Frankenpiggy to be an unstoppable monster. He had to destroy his entire base to stop her raging madness. “You may have escaped my impossibly unescapable trap you fucking retarded Pig monster, but you won’t escape this island. You see, I have rigged this base with a 100 megaton nuclear bo….”

Honeydew stopped mid sentence as Beaker’s bowie knife that Piggy had thrown impaled him in the chest. Honeydew looked at Kermit and Piggy, then the knife. “Does this mean I won’t get evil genius of the year?”, then he slumped down in front of his evil console, dead. “That’s for calling me retarded you muppet cockgobbler!!!” Piggy said with insane satisfaction.

Just one of Dr. Honeydew’s evil plans for Kermit. Beaker would have cooked those legs up! Gooooooood eatin’!

Piggy turned to Kermit “Now, for you Frog…” Her tit was still out and was really making the situation even more awkward.

“You know, like, you’ve got like 12 minutes and stuff to get away for sure. Cause stuff is gonna be really explodey here and bright and stuff. Big boom maaaan.” Janice’s voice continued over the speaker system. Kermit was still tied down and now covered in his own muppet pee and shit. He was shaking violently and certain he was now going to die a violent and painful death.

Piggy lumbered towards him, her tit still out and leaking saline. “I’m gonna so fucking enjoy this.”

Kermit tried to shrink away from her approaching form. This was it…..

(To be continued…some more)

Wow, this turned into waaaay more than I originally intended. Why did I work on this for 3 days to have 5 people read it? Someone tell me please!  The 4th and hopefully final part coming soon!